SUCK in MEDICINE!!!

Gosh, i do wish it was that simple...

I DO SUCK in INTERNAL MEDICINE >>>>>>> BIG TIME!!!

I hate it to the max, no matter how much i read and read and read, it just don't get it. Im so sick of cardiology at this moment till i just wanna throw all my books out the window! Cardiology, one of the systems that i hate most, with respi med next in line. Guess what, my portfolio case covers BOTH THESE $*@# ing systems!

A patient just comes in the SOB, how difficult can that be? OH, wait till u see the other conditions that he has... COAD, MR, AF, HPT... It's crazy to just even figure out the diagnosis, coz everything that is proposed has to have an underlying reason. What if there is NONE, which i mean that it's god's will? Then, we in this profession would be out of business!

I've gone through the chaper on CCF in Harrisons tens of times, but, nothing seems to get into my head! I've spent the whole night analysing it sentence by sentence, figuring out WHY THIS, WHY THAT, WHY IS IT WRITTEN AS SO??? Trust me, by the end of next week if i ever decide to use this case as my portfolio, im the person that you should find if you have CCF... I'll go on dreaming about CCF, thinking about CCF, eating also affected by the fact that it has something to fo with CCF!

@ 0120, 30042008... going nuts...

Re-live-ing the past...

The past has come to haunt me once more. VC up next week with sban ppl, which includes 'red head'. Darn, i was sort of 'delighted' to migrate to BP, in view that i would not have to see her. But, it's just my luck, if she decides to show up on the day im presenting... That's it. Trust me, its going to be another one of those hilarious scenarios, where i make a fool of myself and she getting the last laugh.

Im so not looking towards vc next week. Im ill-prepared, with a case that i can't even make sense out of! Doing portfolios is just sickening, and i'll never understand the benefits what we get from it, other than causing you eyesight to deteriorate to 36/6, sleepless nights, shuffling through tonnes of journals, but ending up using none of them, squeezing every drop of neurotrasmitters out of the limited neurones for the learning issues... It's drives me crazy. Nevermind the submission, then going for the assessment is even worse! I'll have sleepless nights, total loss of confidence despite knowing the case through and through, going though the thing again and again and again till i drop dead on bed. That's exactly how i've been putting myself to bed on the days of 'impending portfolio assesment'!

Looking on the bright side, im almost half way through sem 10, which means that quater of the battle has been won. Im going to finish the 2 postings that i hate most in 1 1/2 weeks time, getting ready for the next dreaded O&G posting. At least i'll and with 1 that i truly enjoy, which it still better be so after all the rumours that i heard...

Sleep cycles now reversed to the worst. Missed wards this morning bcoz i just could not get up! Now im wide awake, which would last me till tomorrow morning, then i'll just collapse if i manage to get to the wards alive. I can't miss tomorrow's session, as there definitely will be a bedside session with Dr V, which i truly for once look foward to, especially in a specialty which i dislike...

@ 1758, 29042008... End of the month... So soon???

450 a month???

Worth every cent of it i tell you. Thank goodnes there is AIRCOND!!! I wouldn't have survived this weekend without it! Sun blazing hot outside the window, it's like 20 degrees inside. With spiking temperatures which it all decided to settle after i pumped in a double dose of PCM + naproxen at noon, everything seems crystal clear now after the drug overdosed unconsciousness just now. All gone... the headache, fever, dizziness... Except the usual lavages, of course. How i wish that it was all gone too, then my life would be perfect...

Better than nothing, im still at my best right now. Was thinking of going to the wards tonight, but, KY comes knocking on my door, asking if wanna join the others for steamboat dinner tonight. Perfect timing... You caught me at my best ever this entire weekend... Yup, i am going for it. Forget the wards, forget the portfolio, im just going to enjoy myself tonight. Those can wait, besides tomorrow is my turn to 'enjoy' the show that Dr V is going to put on... Muahaha.

@ 27042008, 1725......

Lazy, lazy, lazy...

Just not in the mood to do anything rather than laze around doing nothing. Just got out of bed, after visiting snoozieland at 6 this morning. Spent the entire night watching 3 episodes of House MD, with loo breaks in between (that's why it took me so long...). Im bored sick here. Decided to stay back this weekend, with the intention to finish up my sencond medicine portfolio, but im just so lazy to go to the wards to follow up that patient! The sun is scrouching hot outside, im so comfy in my air-cond room, with ted and all my pillows, forget it man, im not going to step outside there! Tonnes to read up for medicine, yet not picking harrisson's up. Maybe i'll just take a well deserved break today, doing absolutely nothing, other than just lazing around in my room...

@ 1247, 26042008, back to snoozieland... heavenly...

PP...

Finally it's over. No more sessions with PP. Super Duperly relieved am i. No more stoning for 3 straight hours, no more hearing her 'yakking' all about her past, no more whinning and nagging... NO MORE ALL OF THESE NONSENSE! At least this time round the portfolio assessment ended not like i expected, nevertheless, in the best way that i could never had dreamed of. We had it in the library, which i so happened bumped into her when i went to check the notice board out. She was pretty grumpy initially, but was really nice to me towards the end. She did not even make me read it out aloud like all the others had to! No major corrections, no major comments, it went as smooth as i could wish for. At least this time she signed my logbook, with remarks of 'hardworking and studious'! She even gave me a 'good' for overall performance! Thank heavens...

Down with one, the other due some time soon. Yet to even find a suitable case. Life here is so boring, it revolves about ward rounds, portfolios, bedside teachings, blood taking, journal surfing... It's really sick! If not for the portfolios, this world would definitely be a much better place...

@ 2105, 24042008... Another loooong day tomorrow at some place far far away...

Jin...

That's all i have to say about you. Oh common, if you already knew it earlier, why not have the courtesy of informing us earlier! Im just so pissed with you people. One person says one thing, then the other does another. It sucks having to figure out what are you people's next step, what you people are thinking of, what impression or assupmtions you people make all the time! If not because of the person that i would like to be his successor, i wouldn't be bothered to show up later. If not because of trying my very best to keep my logbook 'clean', i wouldn't bother to show up. If not because i have to 'show' the 'good' side of me, i wouldn't bother to show up. It's all about showing your face now, with these people not knowing you inside out, making assumptions of their own about you... Most of the time, it's just the wrong timing! So happens lady luck decides to sit on their shoulder that particular day, then your entire impression is destroyed. It's just crazy trying to be in their good show, pretending to be someone who you are not, wearing a mask all day long. It's the life that i should lead, but im not going to. Somehow, i'll try to work things out, rather than play pretend all day long...

Goodbye's...

It's human nature to always takes things for granted. I always take things for granted. For instance, saying goodbyes. I learnt this lesson the hard way, and trust me, it's a lesson that i'll remember for life. You only have 1 chance in life when it comes to saying your last goodbye, and you'll never know when. So, why not make every one as if its the last one?

Honestly, I never expected that to be my last goodbye. I don't even remember if i said the word 'goodbye'. All i remember was that i was in tears when i said it then...

It's just unbelieveble that things happen with a blink of an eye. One moment im counting down the hours to meeting you, then next im there praying to you. Although i tried my best to prepare myself for the worst, deep inside i can't fool myself what im feeling this moment. I am still unable to accept the truth despite showing to others that im able to. I just don't know how to express all the frustration, anger, guilt, sadness, regrets, whatever that's going on in there...

The past few days has been hell. Never knew that even when a person dies, its such a big deal. Although everything has been laid out and just to excute the orders, when loggerheads come together, its a disaster. In the end of the day, the show still went on as it was planned, just as enjoyment for the outsiders. Inside, the 'siew hei's' were quarelling with the 'hot tempered'. Oh, this battle has yet to begin, its just the tip of the iceberg now, wait till it gets deeper, when no one wants to pick up the responsibilities but just want the money, when the others are not willing to give in, when the past is dug up to the surface... Just wait...

When your other half passes on to the other life, you are left lonely. Watching what is going on now, i am certainly considering of staying single for the rest of my life. After being attached to your other half for more than half a decade, how are you ever going to go on with life alone? How are you going to re-learn independence overnight? What purpose more do you have in life, other than wait for your turn? Who is going to share the happiness, love and grieve with you? Though silent, all these questions are definitely there. Most importantly, can you accept the lost in the first place?

It's understanable if you can't accept it, because i can't accept it myself. After seeing people dying as part of my daily life, seeing your loved one passing on is an entirely different picture. It just can't be put into words.

Im so not looking foward to the crazy life that im going to lead for the next few weeks... 3 portfolio assessments up, 1 portfolio to complete, filling up of logbooks once more, travelling back home if im free, calls home more frequent to see how are things going on, with the unsound mind walking about...

@ 0058, 23042008, welcome back to 'hell'...

No regrets...

This is the end of the journey, or is it a begining of a new one?

No matter what it is, for the past journey that we went through it together, i have no regrets. Although the time we spent with each other was limited, now, i really do tresure it. I never got to know you when i was young, we were never close, we hardly talked. I respected you as a great figure in my life, i was always intimidated when i approached you, even when i addressed you. I respected you big time, i wanted badly got really get to know you, to get close to you, and even hug you. But the last few weeks has been amazing. I finally felt that i was able to accomplish whatever i wanted to do for the past few years. I had a chance to take care of you, be with you, spend time with you, and even by just sitting there, looking at you sleep. It gave me personal satisfaction, and i sincerely thank you for it. Not everyone had this chance to do so, but, i was one of the lucky ones that had the opportunity.

Now, that it's all over in this lifetime, i pray that you have a better next. Being in a better place, enjoying all the 'fruits of your hard labour'. Although it's time to say goodbye, i know that you'll always be there, in another form, looking upon us as we move on with our daily lives.

It's been a rough time for everyone, espeially your other half. She's still dealing with the loss, the unconditional love that you both shared with each other for more than 1/2 a century. She's lost her best companion, but, i know that no matter what, you'll be there looking upon here 24-7. Attachement is a defaulment. No soul is lost forever, just being in another physical form. Time heals wounds... Lets just give take things one step at a time now.

@ 1302, 18042008, really going to miss you, may you rest in peace...

There we go again...

Repeatedly... Reversed (decreased would be more appropriate) sleep-wake cycles, uncontrollable lavages, grinding & churning insides, ticking time-bomb... Yet to consider the darn psy portfolio due this friday, tonnes to read up before PP's session tomorrow morning, yet to find a patient for tomorrow's teaching...

Going though another morning with PP tomorrow, worse when it starts at 9am, in MOPD! GOSH! She will go on and on and on and on and on... with phrases like 'why you people never listened to me... how come you don't know anything... i've taught you before... why you people never remember whatever i've taught before...' EWWWWWWW!!!! Im so so SICK OF IT. Even now, i can hear her voice ringing in my ears!!!

I am so so tired (having only slept for 1 hour the past 48 hours). I've lost my appetite (even my favourite briyani kills it). I wish to shove a stopper down my oesophagus as well as up my ass-hole so that i would stop leaking for once!

@ 2345, 15042008, grand-mal-function...

Elated...

Believe it or not, im actually in super-duper good mood today. Don't ask me why, because if i ever knew the reason, i would like it to re-live this day EVERYDAY!


Started out moody in the morning, as i could not get out of bed this morning. Barely able to lift my arm to reach out to the blardy phone that could not stop buzzing, i decided to call in 'unwell' this morning. Anyways, i did not have any sessions with PP this morning, and it was just ward rounds. Slumped back till bout 1130, where i had to take ted for his 'morning' walk. Ended up in front of the pc with games till bout 1300, then got ready to go to for the dreaded psy class. Reached the hosp bout 1330, so i visited my 14 year old patient first. The lady at the next bed commented 'wah, ceria-nya doktor ini. Kan baik kalau semua pun macam dia?' LOL!!!

Stoned a total of 3 1/2 hours through psy. At times, i really felt that Dr Z was just staring at me! I really wondered why. At times i was elated, then i would just stone through the rest of it. Maybe she really felt something was wrong with me, but dare not say a word! Haha!

Got home at bout 1830, before the 'cats & dogs' started pouring. Chatted with my best friend, told her all about what i went through last week, and got a really hilarious response too! 'Be careful, my friend, you'll never know what he is up to!'

Ended up in wards right before 2000, hoping to find a case for PP tomorrow. Visited the opposite ward, got really unfriendly response, then decided to just stick with my 2 beds. Both my patients asked me why was i working late tonight, i just responded that it was because i felt good! The indonesian patient that kept muttering java-nese 2 days ago decided to pour all her feelings out to me tonight! I spent almost an hour by her bedside, she telling me stories about her employer and her working experience here and all i did was say 'yakah?'!

KFC tasted 'funny' today, or was it my taste buds? I seriously think that something has been wrong with my senses for the past few weeks. My night blindness was from bad to worse ( i barely could see the road on my way to the hosp just now!), tinnitus as if here is a mosquito in my ear, i smell stuff that people don't, my taste buds are acting wierd...

@ 14042008, 2345, currently in the manic phase as they would call it...

Wasting away...

What a pity for a person who is 'alright' to just waste and rot away while lying in his deathbed. In the end of the day, it all boils down to selfishness of a single party. It's a sad picture to paint when a person dies not because of the disease he is suffering from, but rather an infection which could be prevented in the first place. Human decisions and selfish acts, not taking into consideration of the patient's welfare and comfort, leading to a total disaster. Everyone yet to pass the denial phase, unable to accept the truth. This leaves the patient being in a world of his own, not knowing what is going on, not knowing what is going to happen next, selfless, clueless and aimless to keep staying alive, other than being a 'show-piece' to all the visitors.

It's rather stupid if you still want to save the money at this stage. All the money now was hard earned years ago, why not let him live in comfort for once? Why still scringe when he can't even bring it along with him to his grave? Matters and finances can be worked out when it is not enough. It's still not to late to let him bask in luxury for once in his life, most probably the last time now, before it's too late. Rather let him rot away, by lying 24-7 in bed!

Though being pissed now, i know very well when i get back there next weekend, tears would just swell up both my eyes when i get to see the true condition. It's bad enough facing sick people whole week long, patient's whose family members neglet them and bring them to the hospital to die, imaging going though the same thing at home! It's as if a lesson never learnt! Old people nowdays are taken as a burden to the young and working generation, left in 'retirement homes' to rot away. Preventable bedsores if adequate nursing is provided, the combo of TLC to make their last few days here comfortable... Whenever i see these examples, i promise myself that this scenario would never repeat itself in my family. Guess what? Im totally WRONG! Exactly the same this is happening in my family, yet, i can't do anything about it. Sacral sores getting bigger and deeper by the days (although some people are denying it by claiming that it's under control). Common, you are not talking to a moron! I've actually seen people dying due to septicaemia secondary to sacral sores! It does not improve no matter how well you take care of it, it just worsens when it's there! The only way is to prevent it from ever getting there in the first place!

Sigh, i just don't know what to do. Actually, im not even sure myself if i have a problem....

@ 2223, 13042008...

S*u* UP!!!

'Perhaps ways of interpersonal communication could be further refined, especially when working in a setting with inherent hierachy, and where receiving instructions takes preceedence over expressing opinions to avoid getting an erronous impression.'

All these hullabunga can be summarised in the most simple and frequent 2 words used by mankind --- SHUT UP!!! From now on, i shall do so. Never knew that me being such a 'low profile' person in BP would get me into trouble as well. I din't ask for the attention you know, it's just that i get it no matter what! Im very well the kind that gives it to you right in your face, as long as i feel that im right, whether you like it or not. Common, im not going to be the 'mask-like' people that we mingle with on a daily basis. At times, the instructions received are just being un-reasonable. What do you expect me to do then? Just follow it?

I stand on my grounds firmly as long as i know that i've not done anything wrong. Im sure to defend myself if im right! Which moron would just sit there and let you 'titled' people screw for no apparent reason? Every action taken has it's own purpose. It's just that certain people just does not see it the way i do.

Maybe only 2 1/2 weeks is not enough to really get to know a person. Why not let time take it's course and we see what happens in July? Im surely anticipating future encounters which would bring the 'worst' out of me. Just wait & see...

@ 1641, 11042008, the show has yet to begin...

'I think i wanna defer this semester.'

'What? What did you fail?'

'No, i did not fail anything la. I dunoe. I just feel i shouldn't be here.'

'It's only another 3 more months. Be done with it! I think you had 'too long' a holiday. You're homesick.'

'Im not homesick. I just wanna go back to ipoh.'

'For what? To look after gramps is it? Gramps is in good hands. Don't you worry.'

'Im not worried. I just that i feel i should be there.'

'Common la, you know gramps. He wants you to pass all your exams and graduate as soon as possible. He's always praying for you. Now is your chance to pray for him.'

Oh crap! Now im having mixed feelings of sadness and anger. I just couldn't go on with the conversation. Hurricane arrived in BP. The rest of the conversation was 1 sided. All i did was say 'arh, ya, ok, aha'.

It is easy for you to say that it's just another 3 more months. Try being in my position for once, lets see how long you can survive. It's crazy going through life like this everyday. Where your mind is in Ipoh, soul on KL, body in BP. Everytime i see an elderly patient, my lacrimal gland just seems to be automatially stimulated. It's spinal reflex, beyond my control. Flashbacks occur, worries swarm through my mind, anticipating the bleak future, wondering when would be the time...

@2254, 10042008, i don't wanna go home, yet, i wanna go home...

Excessively friendly???

I don't think so. Maybe you happened to see the 'other' side of me! Haha. Never in my life that someone tell's me so. Im the most 'un-friendly' person alive. Try asking my peers. If you do not start the conversation, forget it! Im never going to talk to you. Not being disrespectful, but, i do take everyone at my level, be it you are the director of the hospital or king of the country. I have a believe that one's respect is earned, not because of the titles that are miles long behind your name!

'Have you deferred any sems before?'

'Have you repeated any sems before?'

'Have you been counselled by anyone before?'

'Have you been involved in the SRC?'

Haha, as if you do not know me enough. Common la, im sure that you read through my report before. Everything is in there. Unless you did not do so, then that's another story. Im still torn between decisions, but, a zillion thanks to your help today, at least i got some answers to the un-answered. Now, the decision is all in my hands. This is the part that i suck most, because the final outcome would only be revealed in June. I guess it would be a little too late by then, as it's like another 8 weeks from now. The critical thing now is time. It's valueble because nothing can replace the time lost now, before it's ever too late.

Another super duper long day has passed, with uncountable events, as well as all the anticipation is resolved! At least portfolio assessment is over, my turn for case presentation is over, EVERYTHING due for the week is finally over!!! Hooray, i finally can sleep in peace tonight. After an entire night of tossing & turning due to continous muscle cramps secondary to electrolyte imbalance, i'll just drop dead in bed tonight as long as the cramps do not get the better half of me!

@ 2109, 10042008, forget about PP for once, i've yet to get a patient for tomorrow!

Glucose hyperloaded...

After 5 continuous bouts of loo time, i konged till bout 1915, when my phone just could not stop buzzing. In between, i was replying text messages in my sleep, as usual, i started sending messages like 'noo proc, c u molo auu 3. thx.', which was meant to be 'no prob, see you tomorrow at 3pm. Thanks.' Gosh, I only realized it when i scrolled thru my sent items just now. Hope the person that received it could make out what i meant.

Dragged my lifeless body to the wards, to find a patient for tomorrow case presentation. Ended up talking to the daughter of this 90y/o lady, which i failed miserable to get blood from her this morning. (i only managed to fill 2 out of the 4 bottles, after 2 attemps. She kept yelling and squirming while i was trying my best to keep my cool, while her daughter was restraining her!) Later, sat down and clerked a case of CCF with mild renal impairment, who came in for SOB and generalized body swelling.

Now with an entire gut washout, i decided to load up with glucose to stay alive. Had a new discovery with my 'best friend'--SUGAR!!! Filled my cup with sprite, then added loads of nata de cocoa pudding and ice frozen jelly. After gulping the entire cup down, now i don't feel that well. Looks like my sore tummy is going to act up once again tonight. Just pray that i don't end up in A&E, that will do.

@ 2240, 09042008, dog tired. another looooong day tomorrow...

Again & again & again...

There we go AGAIN! Bleeding from the wrong orifice! It was supposed to come out where it should, but decided to come out the other way. No wonder im so so freaking tired today. I finally found out why once i got home. Argghhh. It just pisses me off when the problem reccurs once more. I was 65 days bleeding free, and now i have to start my re-count once more. It's crazy having to live like this, and the best part is that no one on earth knows what's the underlying cause! From GP's to surgeons to physicians, Im still diagnosis-less...

Been on the throne twice in the past hour. My entire system is getting a 'washout' of it's own. It feels as if i just had a bottle of clorox, and it's burning through the entire 8 metres of my GIT. The mouth watering briyani daging that i just had washed out the wrong way out, im losing fluids as if my aorta is severed, my brain is so volume depleted that i'll just collapse till tomorrow... I can't afford to do so, im having portfolio assesment tomorrow. There's plenty more to read up on just thalassaemia and blood transfusion alone.

@ 1640, 09042008, i truly need a miracle drug right now...

Running short...

Time is running out. Day & night passes as if there is endless tomorrows. Are there any right decisions to be made in the first place? Or, does it have a wrong component as well? Im clueless, be it the problems itself or the decisions to be made. All i want now is so that i'll not have any regrets in the future. I don't think i can live to regret when i knew that i could make a difference in the final outcome but i did not. I pray not to look back to this day saying that i should had made a different decision all together. I shall not re-live whatever life im going through this moment. In the end of the day, i just need reassurance that i made the right choice!

Im driving myself towards suicide if i should go on like this, but at this moment in time, it's as if i do not have a choice. Or is it that im still in denial failing to accept whatever that's happening? Losing the lum-sum to some rich company is definitely not an option, not giving it a try is not an option either. Since no matter what im going to loose it, why not i give it a try? But then, in this precious time, i could be able to make a difference.

It is as if my responsibilities alone is not enough to kill. I sincerely have no idea why i picked it up in the first place. Was it because nobody was willing to bare its consequences, or was it because everyone is still in their 'zombie land' state? It's crazy when you do not even have the right to make any decisions, but there is an entire load on my shoulders.

Deep down, im just a sad soul, till i can't even let out a cry. I've yet to reach the state that i'll just sit down and cry my feelings out. In the past 2 weeks, i hardly had the time to sit down and spend some time for myself. It was hell. But, now, being back to BP, i finally got my life back, time for myself. At the same time, i feel that im just wasting it away doing the things that i should not be doing. These precious moments should be spent somewhere else, than just on myself. Guilt just gushes over when im daydreaming, i feel that im being selfish, self centered...

Let me make 1 thing clear, im not the kind that opens up to anyone, anywhere. if you do not specifically ask, my lips are zipped uptight. I do not go on day in and day out ranting about the same thing over and over again. I do not give a damn what other people do in their lives and whatever decisions that they make. I do not give a damn about the impression you people have about me. I do not give a damn what you people think. Go on, think all you want and make all the assumptions you want. Finally, im not ready to talk about anything at this moment.

I don't think i can go on anymore. I know that i should start opening up and talk to someone. I can't. I don't know where to begin. There are so many kind and concern souls out there... Oh, i don't know. I should start learning how to trust others. It's like learning how to speak again. Where you are speechless, and if you have the words, but it's all in a jumbled up state. Im even having difficulty finding the words and phrasing sentences in front of certain people. How am i going to begin???

@0242, 09042008, life still has to go on...

Can i make it???

After an entire day of sessions with Princess P, it's enough to kill my spirit for survival. Keeping in mind that this is only day 1 of 12 days! For all of you out there who were concern about my well being, THANKS A BILLION, and don't worry, I'M STILL ALIVE.

'So, you've decided to stay.'

'Yeah.'

'I don't think you should continue in this state of mind if you feel you can't cope. Why?'

'Coz i can't afford RM 30,000.'

Silence ensured. Then, I changed the topic. I sincerely do hope that this conversation ends here, and will not continue on thurs, when we do meet again. (If you ever read this, my apologies, im not being rude or anything like that, it's just that im not ready to talk about things right now.)

Trust me, if im ever given an option to defer for just 1 sem, i would. At a time like this, i'll do anything to 'get the hell' out of this position. It's just that i can't afford to do so. I can't drop everything now, knowing well that im going to burn through my dad's pocket for another RM 30,000. It does sound insane, but, being is in this position is worse. After the converstion above, i could not concentrate a bit during the entire session with PP (it's just an excuse, coz i never listen to her anyway). What kept playing in my mind was what if whatever he mentioned was true? What if i don't make it through this sem, i'll still have to spend the RM 30,000.

This is the point in life that im totally clueless of what im doing. I've been drifting about aimlessly the past 2 weeks. Now, back in BP, i drifted thru today like that as well. Honestly, im still in a daze. Im not ready to get back to routine. I don't know how im going to survive through the next 5 weeks if things were still continue l to be the same. Oh, i don't know how im ever going to survive through THIS WEEK! Crazy people arranging 3 oncall's per week, where i get it 2 consecutive days! Facing portfolio assessment and 'report card day' on thursday 'up close & personal', gotta get a complete case with patient in hand everyday before 11am, Friday afternoon stuck with PP, there goes my plans of 'dashing' back to Ipoh...

Life is insane, im about to meet my breaking point. Im a being split into 3 parts, which do not seem to work hand in hand. My mind is in Ipoh, soul back in KL, body in BP. Im oncall tonight, the thunder is roaring outside, the downpour yet to begin. Im a total mess inside, be it up or down. A tornado is full force deep down, plus an earthquake of 10 on the ritcher scale, a volcano about to explode ----- exactly what im made of now.

@ 1754, 07042008... Time is running out...

The darker days...

Unconditional love between 2 lifelong partners… Can’t be described using plain words. Gloomy atmosphere, daylong chantings, peace, serenity, repeats itself every 24 hours. Looks like the silver lining is hiding itself once more, for the better I suppose. It’s not been showing itself for the past 2 days. Physically deteriorating, general condition worsening, drifting consciousness levels which varies throughout the day. Automatisms (lip smacking, chewing, scratching), delusions, dysphasia, episodic fevers, precognition…features as of everyday. Curious to know what it means? Go find it out yourself. At least there is no pain the picture, thanks to DF 118 which does its job well.

Things now seem to be taking its toll on everyone. Blaming & accusing each other for minute things, still unable to accept the truth. It sucks when people refuse to face reality, blaming the worsening condition on the drugs, instead of the illness itself, self acclaiming doctors, deciding when to stop and when to give the meds. Tempers flare, jealousy in the air, leaving the old folks quiet and lonely. At times tears just flow uncontrollably, with moments of silence. At times like this, people show the part in them that we never knew existed. They do things that they never did in their entire life. A slow and painful death, is more suffering than ever. Deteriorating day by day, physically wasting away.

Everyone have their own coping mechanisms in situations like this. Some shed tears, others try to make jokes, minority just keep everything to themselves. Nevertheless, everyone is going through the same emotional roller coaster, mostly downs, rarely any ups these 2 days.

If I ever know when I would die, I do not want a slow and painful death. Looks like my only option is to commit suicide, but with the certainty that I die on my first attempt. No second chances though. Nothing comes cheap these days. Even to die you need money! And a large amount too. Why bother to plan a funeral after you are dead? I don’t see the point in it. Im already dead, I can’t experience a thing, whereas my loved ones who attend it are sad & depressed due to their loss. Why bother to rub more salt into their already weeping wounds? With the chantings and all during the entire process prior to cremation or burial, with the hope that I go to a better place when I die. Talking about cremation and burial, I don’t think either one is an option for me. Im claustrophobic, you see. So the use of a coffin is a NO WAY for me. Oh, why not surprise me? I don’t really care what is going to be done after death. As long as you do not keep any grudges or those kind words till the day of my funeral. Whatever bygones are bygones, everyone is forgiven. For whatever you want to say to me, please do it as soon as possible, coz im still alive at this moment in time. Just because you are attending my funeral you are not obliged to say everything nice about me. Why not just be yourself and say whatever you want? Don’t worry, I’m not going to haunt you down if you spoke of the truth.

As for the music, why not put up something that I like, some IL Divo or Josh Groban songs maybe? If you all insist that the chantings must go on, after that than I should have a selection of my choice. It dosen’t matter whether I die young or old, everyone should be well dressed for this occasion. No black suits, cloaks, or entirely white uniform. Where whatever you want, as colourful as you can find. It’s a celebration, where I finally get to go to a better place. You people should be happy instead of sad. Laugh, joke, shed tears of joy, go on, do whatever you people want, as long as it makes you happy…

@ 2229, 03042008, darker days are coming...

Ageing...

Try being an 88 y/o for just one day. I think life does suck, as you grow older. You're partially blind, deaf, no teeth to chew, your feet can't even support you body, can't even walk without the help of walking aids... It makes me wonder what kind of 88 y/o i'll be next time (if i ever life that long)...

Today, i witnessed the unconditional love between 2 siblings, in 2 separate episodes, which gave me the same take home message. No matter what happens, blood is thicker than water, as long you share half of your 46 double stranded chromosomes with that one being... Even when you're at the end of the road, verge of dying, you are not alone. The effort, time, inconvenience caused (all these are part of a package), just to travel so far to visit a loved one, it's worth it, i tell you.

There are so many things going on in my mind at this moment, i don't even know where to begin. It's all messed up. The wrong words come out of my mouth, the brain seems to be malfunctioning, i don't seem to think right, i don't eat right, i don't sleep right, gut never been right, NOTHING SEEMS RIGHT!!!

Life is a mess at this moment. I do hope that things all 'cool off' soon. Everything that had happened, is hapenning now, and will happen is driving me nuts! I'll soon end up in an asylum if this craziness does not end soon.

For once today, i actually missed whatever that i've been doing for the past 2 years. Morning rounds, clerking patients, bedside teaching, the screwing sessions... I miss all those. Was daydreaming earlier and it all just gushed passed my mind. Suppose to be back to routine from next week onwards, but, im doubtful that im prepared to go back to the old routine. I don't know. I've lost all the confidence in myself. I feel as though i do not know what im doing most of the time. After what i've gone through the past 2 weeks, it's as though my body has unconsiously given up. Im barely awake at times, drifting off into 'dunoe what land' most of the time...

@ 2341, 01042008, welcome to my world... the world of the unknown...