GUT...

This is indeed something that i wished i never had. Ever had an experience of excreting something 'unimaginable' from it every single day? Not once, twice or thrice, but a minimum of 5 times per day? Don't even think about it. That is indeed why i would one day RIP MY GUTS OUT! Its no more a figure a speech for me, as it has reached its threshold. Im so so sick of it being ill-behaved and spending/wasting so much time on either on the throne 'pouring my guts out' or on bed in 'fetal position'.

In 15 days i would take my next step in life. Whatever happens on that day would determine what happens for the few years to come. I'd better not screw it up, and indeed end up with a 'satisfactory'. The stress level is building up inside the chamber, yet, the laziness overpowers everything in the end of the day. The nearer the exams come, the lazier is get. I guess that's how my body reacts.

Nightly insomnias, early morning migranes, excruciating tummy aches which literally pull me out of bed... Gosh, stop the complaints already. Nothing could be worse than these. Oh, I was so wrong. ITS THE BLODDY JACKHAMMER which starts at 8am every morning, continously till 5pm! Thanks to some SELFISH, IGNORANT, TOO F@#KING RICH NEIGHBOUR, who'd rather demolish his house than BUY A NEW ONE! For a person who is insomnic at night and have migranes by day, its DRIVING ME TO SUICIDE.

Enough complaints. Guess that im just against everything and everyone in this world, even myself. Nothing can satisfy my temper nowadays, nothing than just the company of ted. When the affectionate and loving eyes make contact, i feel that im the luckiest person in this whole wide world...

@ 0112, 04112008...

Farewell...

At least this time round i had my chance of saying a 'proper' goodbye. Farewell i bid you, my friend. You were my company when i was alone, along with the 3 hour drive down south, someone there which kept me sane all this time when i was going nuts...

Never forget the day you came to live with us, when i picked you up from the cage in the petshop, you were hardly bigger than my little finger, squirmish, just wiggled your way through my fingers into the cage. How could i ever forget the look on bro's face when you were his 'early' chrismas present Never knew that you were the rodent with 1 missing hindfoot, a congenital abnormality i guess. Nevertheless, it was still a functional limb, where you would work out everynight without fail in your 'glow in the dark' wheel.

I pray that you would have a better life after this, and hope that you did enjoy this life being our pet rodent... SQUEAKS... may you rest in peace.

@ 2019, 27102008, this post is 3 days late...

Saying goodbyes...

How do you ever say goodbye to someone that you really love and treasure so much? It ain't easy, yet, when the time comes, it has to be done. Gosh, it's a 2 to 3 yearly affair, when its time to say goodbye, i'll swear that i'll not get another. But once the bereavement period is over, when everything is back to normal, there i'll go again, only to repeat the act, knowing pretty well that i'll have to say my goodbyes some time soon.

Im just 'crushed' now. Thus already with a MBBS degree, yet i still can't cure illnesses or alleviate pain and suffering. I feel so useless. What on earth am i going to do with a 'rodent' with PR bleeding, who is anaemic and dehydrated? Im such an idoit. Should i practice euthanasia or let it be? Im staring at my pet hopelessly. The only thing that i can do now is pray for the best -- i.e. get well soon or go ahead and die??? Even that i can't decide...

Attachment is a CURSE! Pulls me into DEEP SHIT yet i can't pull myself out of it. Again and again, i remind myself, no way am i going to be attached. In the end of the day, im just a total failure...

@ 1329, 22102008, thump thump, thump... KILL ME!!!

The NeVeReNdInG chase...

RATS!!!

That's exactly what we are, or what i am for that matter. Everyday in our lives, we chase, with the intention of getting the best selection of cheese as fast as possible. Im stuck in a live where the chase has already begun, currently at a halt now, which is to be continued. Honestly, part of me is 'sick and tired' of this whole race, yet the other half still has had NOT ENOUGH of it! At times like these, it makes me wonder, which is the half that's controlling my decisions and actions???

It is as if i've registered myself to join the NEVERENDING CHASE. Life goes by although you spend your days rotting at home, doing nothing other than... But... can't you see? There's sure a but in no matter what situation. Back to the point, But... I've always wondered where would i be in 6 months time. Where did i finally land myself at. What would i be doing then... These questions have crossed my mind a million times, yet, i can never get an answer, which i only would get it like 6 months from now.

I don't know what im up to these days. Guess the super-duperly loooong break that i really wanted before has gotten the 'best & worst' out of me. Yet, im still in my usual physical state... Gurgling gut, time-bomb head, niagara nose... Still in denial, as most of you would call it. Guess that im human after all, the typical type of patient who waits for a disaster to happen before accepting the truth. Too bad, as the saying goes... 'doctors ARE the worst patients'.

Back to my nocturnal cycles, daytime snoozieland. Just 2 hours of sleep is considered 'heaven' nowadays. It's that bad till i can't sleep continously for more than 2 hours before waking up with a throbbing head. The more i think of it, the more it FREAKS ME OUT!

@ 0028, 21102008, lack of sleep, yet insomnic...

Back on track...

See??? I managed to survive a non-blogging period for more than a month! Haha, mainly due to the 'lousiest internet connection' that one can get in my area. You'll be surprised why i said so, judging by where i live. Its not the connection that sucks, its because i get it for FREE!

So, how has life been the past 1 month? AS USUAL... Still surviving the usual colics and migranes. Staying alive by pumping in the concoxions. Don't start lecturing me just yet. Even the best ever dr that i can get my hands on has given up altogether.I've been to yet another dr, for the headaches this time... Changed the prophylactic drugs, im up to 5 cafergots per week, with cataflam in between. Yet, these headaches still drive me up the wall. Thank god that work is not starting anytime soon, coz i did not even apply for a job yet! Lets see how things go, on this side of the world...

Had an eye-opening experience recently. I still remember vividly those days where a conversation like this would take place...

'We are having CP later this morning...'

'What CP? All of you have cerebral palsy?'

That would be a retort by one of the greatest surgeons those days. He's never into abbrevations, always wanted us to speak and write in full words. But, after what i saw the other day, it ain't that bad having CP. Definitely not those that we see in the paeds wards all the time. Maybe they are a handful of problems when they are young, when they grow up, they seem to just function like all of us. Never underestimate a kid with CP. They are just like you and me, joking, giggling, teasing their counterparts. Behaviour wise, we are alike. It's just that they lack in motor skills, where most of them are wheelchair bound, yet, we can see them achiving in life. Its a shame to see beggars who are physically and mentally fit, begging on the streets. These kids actually showed me that with sheer determination, anything is possible. KUDOS to them all!

Can't wait to see those kids once more next week. Have the rest of this week all planned though, being mum's chauffer down KL this afternoon, stuck in library tomorrow, bro's bday this friday, loaded during the weekend... I guess that's what life is about these days, less being like those of a roller coaster which i used to have...

@ 08102008, 1039, life is indeed as beautiful as you make it...

That's where im going...

My journey in med school officially comes to an end today. Im finally heading home, where i belong. Packing ain't easy, though just being here for the past 5 months, the clutter that i've gotta pack, it's inspeckable.

Looks like im not the only one going home. There are two others who miss their families as much, who will not be staying here down south, one moving home, the other moving closer to home. I guess no matter how far or how long you leave your nest, no matter what you'll go back some day.

No matter what, i'll never forget the stuff that we did tonight. After staying here for 5 months, it's this particular night that left us in darkness, the night that we unintentionally 'tailed' someone home, the night that i said my final goodbyes to this place, the night thati discovered really good satay which i never bothered to try, the night that i say goodbye to being a med student...

For those out there who are trying to beat the dateline for portfolios, i wish you all the best. This could be the end of my journey here, maybe the end of blogging (unless i get a faster connection at home), but, i can't wait to end this journey, and begin a new one a fresh...

@ 0313, 25072008... that's all for now...

Is there a dr in the house???

After toiling for 5 years on medical school, i've made it through ALIVE!!! It's the end of medical school, welcome to the real world. Before i realized it, im going out there to 'heal' people. HAH, i can't even solve my own problems, how on earth am i going to solve others? It's something really hard to believe, but, that's going to be my life from now on.

Guess what? I finally fulfilled my childhood dream... Yes, to become a doctor. It has been my 'ambition' since young, year after year, whenever the school required us to fill up the yellow card, 'doctor' was definitely one of my 3 choices. Then, would come things like engineer, pilot, air-stewardess, teacher...the list goes on. Back then, i never ever imagined that it would come true, and till now, i still can't believe myself.

No matter what, i am STILL MYSELF. I've always wondered how doctors lead a normal, mundane life outside from their workplace. How they'd dress while going out with their family, how they'd behave themselves, how they'd just be themselves. Now, i sort of get it. Nothing has changed overnight. Im still the usual, t-shirt, short with slippers, shopping for groceries with mum, being my bro's chauffeur kindda person. It's just how others would address a person formally, other than that, nothing is different. We are still the same souls that roam this planet! Can't we be treated just like everybody else? We are human too, not god, still do make mistakes. I'll never forget a professor once mentioned before, 'a good doctor dosen't mean that that person has above average IQ, as many of us in this profession has below normal IQ's. It's a person with common sense that makes a good doctor'.

Signing up for this profession comes with it's consequences. Being the 'first' person with a MBBS in the family is an even greater liability. I've yet to go out and meet my relatives. Honestly, I AM PETRIFIED. Even my dad starts asking questions these days, when he never ever bothered to ask before. And mum especially expects that detailed explanations for everything that she asks, whether she understands or not is besides the point, as long as you tell her...

Now, i am aimless, jobless, cashless, with everything that ends with a ...less! I've to go and get a job by end of this month, decide what i really want to do with my life, start being financially independent, earning the 'green notes'. I guess that i'll not have a 2 to 3 month holiday like everyone else, who are currently waiting to be 'summoned' to the government service. Nevertheless, till the convocation end of this month, i shall be spending my days by chauffering various people, from bro to granny. This would keep me occupied for the next 2 weeks...

@ 0247, 100808, bitten by the insomnic bug...

The ULTIMATE...

Life is full of surprises. At this moment in time, i feel as though i have reached the ULTIMATE PINNACLE, though down with the WORLD'S MOST OXYMORONIC MIGRAINE!!! Exam fever's over, down with results fever now.

I do believe our life is so well planned, that everything happens for a reason. 'Guardian Angels', do you ever believe in them? Oh, i definitely do. And there's one in particular who has been following me for almost 2 1/2 years now, and i am really thankful to that person. This person always appears at the time when i really do need him most. Only a handful out there takes him as a heaven sent soul, others just 'fear him'. I always wondered if he ever knew my name, as he gives me a smirk whenever we bump into each other. He's been the encouragement which pulled me through my 'darkest times'. I've learnt that knowledge is not what which makes you a GREAT DOCTOR, its attitude, its how you bring yourself, its how you are as a person... I've blogged about him before, and i'll never forget the 'dare' that was made 2 years ago, where one day i would just walk up to him and tell him that i would be his successor. Guess what? That day is coming soon... Just look out for it!

And for the ultimate exam, our lives crossed once more. When he already knew that i was the chosen victim of his 'slaughter house', when i was still so ignorant as the butterflies in my stomach nearly flew out my mouth, he smirked. Stared as i walked pass him that faithful morning, with that smirk on his face. I'm pretty sure there is a darn good reason behind why our lives crossed each other's on that Monday morning. Nevertheless, it went on smooth as usual, though when the times the 'cat got my tongue', he would just fill up the blanks for me, and we would finish each others sentences! He made me be myself the entire 30minutes, not someone else. We were so comfortable talking to each other, as if we were long lost friends. The other two in the room just stared on, with one in particular was smirking his way though. I went in there blank, as well as coming out blank. Only when i came out, i was in the state of shock, only then i realized that HE was my examiner, the one that everyone feared most, and i was the 'lucky scapegoat' of the morning!

I can't continue any further, i can't even sit upright for another 5 minutes, but, i still have so so much more to blog about. I feel queezy now. The entire room spinning around. It must be the cafergot that i just took. That's all for now, with more updates coming the end of this week...

@ 06082008, 1121, oh bed, here i come...

Counting down...

It not going for the exam that suck, its the waiting which sucks most. Im getting pretty impatient nowdays, which small matters would just flare me up in seconds. Nothing is improving though im back home, and i've been the moodiest since. I seem to be on the downside of things these few days, entire GIT inflammed, from the incisors till the anus, gut being ill-behaved as ever, tummy growling and grunting, churning inside out, cerebral vessels at the verge of rupturing... Im as lethagic as ever, at least im able to get proper shut-eye at home, that's the benefit.

I honestly have no idea how am i going to pull through next monday, and come out alive. It would take a miracle for it to happen. You'll never know, as miracles do happen. I've survived through times comparable to this, but, no matter what, this is the ULTIMATE PINNACLE, one and only chance to REDEEM myself, after being a nuisance down south for the past months!

@ 31072008, 1129, welcome, AUGUST...

24, yet still at home...

This is exactly where the countdown begins. I've less than 6 days to pump in whatever i can into my brain, yet, im just so so lazy to do so. And it's today that im 24, which really sucks because im getting older on the outside, but, inside i im just a mere 4 year old.

Been home for the past 4 days. Guess what i've been doing? Haha. In snoozieland most of the time. Im down with a really bad bout of URTI, the first ever so severe that kept me in bed continously for 48 hours.

Im just not in the mood to study anymore. I just want everything to be over as soon as possible. I've yet to start reading. Looks like the 5 days that i calculated earlier, its down to 3 days. I don;t know what i've been doing. I guess im just going to walk in there on monday morning, blabber my way through, and just pray extremelt hard that i'll pass...

@ 1235, 20072008... IM LAZY LAZY LAZY...

Almost there...

Im almost at the finishing line after toiling so so 'hard' for the past 5 years. At least im sort of 30% nearer, can smell the air of sweet success, but tis so near yet so far. Now, it all depends on how fast of slow time flies.

Finally completed the 200++ paged portfolios, submitted. At least that would be my least worries about beating the dateline for now. Its time to 'dig into the books', which i've yet to begun. Lets see here, i've got 6 postings to cover, i have like 5 days? (after deleting the travelling days, the proscratination hours, the hours spent on ted). SHARKS! How on earth can i ever finish filling up this 'resonant' brain of mine? I am in need of more time!

Oh whatever. Whatever comes, whatever may. Now the long case is entirely dependent on my 'luck' on Monday morning. This time round, im only given ONE chance. If i ever wanna screw it up, it better not be that faithful day...

@ 1009, 24072008... tired yet awake... DISASTER!!!

Surgeons vs Physicians

What would you do when you get a surgeon who 'thinks outside the box', and a physician whose brain works like a 'intel centrino core 2 duo processor'?

A MEDICAL STUDENT WHO IS GETTING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN AND GOING NUTS!!!

That's exactly what im going through now. Now, for once, i don't care whether i get a 'medical' or 'surgical' case for the upcoming final long case. Because??? IT DOSEN'T MATTER! No matter what i get, this blardy portfolio of mine will definitely be the topic for discussion, as it has both medical and surgical components. The best part is that the surgeons and physicians opinions are at 'loggerheads', and i can't decide who's opinion to follow. In the end of the day, ITS JUST A DIAGNOSIS, and THE MANAGEMENT IS IRONICALLY STILL THE SAME!

Im at the 'crossroad' now. I don't know who to follow. Which ever path i take, all i can do when the time comes is defend myself, and the is no one there to help me. I'd better have a blardy good reason for the decision i made, be it to the surgeons or physicians. Imagine me in the viva room, with BOTH the 'loggerheads' that gave me their different views... HAHA! That's the worst case scenario!!!

@ 2020, 23072008... I think too much... Better get my snoozieland nap...

Final 'HIGH'...

Currently experiencing my last dose of 'euphoria' in medical school. Finally got all the signatures needed to complete the logbook, and a pretty excellent way to end sem 10. Nothing near to how it started, when i got my went through the first logbook assessment... Started with a 'satisfactory', ended with an 'excellent'. Who could ask for more than that!

This would be my last 'high' moment here down south, as the next 2 days shall be drowned in portfolios, portfolios and more portfolios. Life has been pretty sick these few days, and i've yet to start studying. Everyone around me seems so stressed out, from studies i presume, yet, im still the jovial, happy but tired looking kinda soul, haunting the wards, clinic and scope room. It's not entirely my fault that im tired all the time, blame it on the drug side effects and the uncontrollable lavages that i have every single night. All i need now is a good good rest once this week is over. I can't wait for friday, when everything is settled, and i can crawl my way back home...

@ 1906, 22072008, another 3 days...

The end of med school...

It feels as though i just stepped into med school yesterday. Oh, OK, 1 year ago maybe. 5 years have passed and im down to my last 4 days of med school. For now, i guess everything is over, all the end of posting exams, end of sem exams, portfolio assessments, ward work... The only thing left now is for portfolio submission... then exit viva... That's all up on the agenda for the next 2 weeks.

I had my final portfolio assessment just now, went in with a 'blank' mind', at least i learnt a thing or two when i came out. 1 thing that i learnt was that 'NEVER BEAT AROUND THE BUSH' when answering questions. Just SPIT IT OUT! If you don't know, admit it. Don't pretend to, then irritate the examiner. With this, it would very well be applied to me, as i am the kind that would just spit things out 'into your face' kindda person. Sorry for those 'future politicians' who can't do so. Muahaha.

Having my joys and sorrows while going to leave med school, i really wonder if i could survive being thrown out there, all alone in this cruel world. I guess life ain't like what we see on the surface on a daily basis. People are nasty most of the time, and not everyone can be trusted. Nevertheless, it's part of learning to be who you are, thus there's no escape to it.

Another briefing tomorrow, with our beloved ... I do hope this is the last. And no more after this. It has been a 'great' 5 month stay here down south. I've met all sorts of people down here, from all walks of life. The nasty, the fake, the good, and even the best at whatever they do. I shall not name names, to prevent trouble from surfacing soon anytime. No matter how they had treated me, lots of life-long lessons have been learnt, especially life is more complicated than i once thought. I can't wait for it all to end, to begin a life a fresh, as me myself...

@1815, 21072008... too soon, before you know it...

WHALE of a time...

I've never spent my weekends here to luvrutively. It's either a drive down to Melaka, or back to KL, or just stoning in my room entirely. Thanks to WJ, who decided to come to pay me a visit, I had a blast, and is continuing to have it now as well!

Spent time catching up on each other, our just our usual selves talking nonsense which only we are able to understand. And, it's just food, food and more food. Been having my BD meals (what a great accomplishment, haha), then, had our splurge on rambutans, with more to come tonight's dinner and tomorrow's lunch!

Ask me about it, the wonder drug has given up it's role in the gut. Im back to lomotil once more, which also seems NOT TO WORK at all! Gosh, i am indeed in deep shit now, if it still decides to pour out like that. I can't go on like that for the entire of next 2 weeks. I just renegerated from bed, after a 3 hour disturbed sleep. But then... Im back to my usual self now, after having a 'wonderful' 1st 2 days...

@ 1850, 20072008... I need another wonder drug...

Dead in bed...

This was the most luxurious sleep that i ever had in years! After being drugged, i slept like a 'baby' all night yesterday. Waking up drowsy, decided to take a day off, only to be interupted by 'some balrdy idiot' who calls at 0730 in the morning, just to ask which bed is whose! After that i get a wake up call at bout 0900, asking if im in the wards, then yet another at 1000++. What the hell??? Its always the day that i decided to pamper myself on my bed is the day that i get all these phone calls! I finally drove myself to wake up at about 1100, replied my emails, then went on snoozing till 1415! When the side effects of a drug is stated as lethargy, TRUST IT! Lethargy till TAK TERBANGUN-BANGUN! I could hardly function the whole day, in and out of consciousness, until late afternoon. This better not go on like that for the whole of next week, otherwise i'll never get things done...

Its amazing sometimes that just a small thing would produce such a large effect. Im super duperly euphoric this moment, definitely not in the depressive phase now. I guess that it would work wonders if im depressed, but, even without it, i've been rather happy these few days. Maybe it's due to the fact that im leaving this 'dump' soon, and going home for good. Im down to my last 5 days of being a 'medical student', then, it shall be a whole new world out there. I've yet to decide what im going to do in the future. I've not applied for a job locally, maybe i shall just laze at home all day long before deciding what to do with my life. I need a break from everything, including medicine. Though it's a field that i do enjoy doing on a daily basis, after these 5 years, i think i need a well deserved break. After all i've gone through, i need some time for myself...

@ 2235, 18072008, super 'high' & the weekend is here...

Killing 2 birds with a stone...

I sincerely pray that it's true. First time ever, when i went to pay this 'professional' an official visit, i was honest. I poured out everything, whatever im taking, whatever i've been taking, whatever problems i had. It just had to come out. Don't know why. Though it sounds funny, i was given something different this time, and hope that i'll work not for only 1 problem, but both simultaneously.

After pouring out the history and all, i guess that he's thinking along the lines of TB. But, never went depth into it though. This drug of choice was so that i could cut down on my lomotil dependence, but its side effect is unacceptable... LETHARGY... OMG. Im already tired enough all day long, with this side effet, i'd rather just DIE IN BED! It's suicide. But, if it really works, it'll do wonders...

Two sides of the coin, which should i choose? I'll have till tonight to make up my choice. It would be a god-sent if it does work for both problems, but, taking the side effect into consideration... I can't afford to sleep all day long, especially during crucial moments like these 2 coming weeks...

@ 1639, 170708... Decisions, decisions... what am i going to do???

Im done...

Yay! I've finally completed my last and final portfolio. Ironically my favourite most posting, and the shortest ever that i've typed out! I don't give a damn anymore. As long as it is all done now, its time to begin on the corrections and reading through the others. Gosh, im just so so lazy to even begin.

I think i deserve a good treat tonight, the problem is that i have no clue where to get it, when im stuck that this lousy place. I'll never know what i'll do. For all you know, i might even end up driving back to KL altogether. Im mising home so so much, though i just went back last weekend. It's the stress building up, the stress of completing all these before the dateline, the stress of thinking about shifting home, the stress about every single thing that occurs in my life. I am in need to be in my comfort zone.

Final long case is in 2 weeks time, and everyone around seems to be 'studying'! I am the only person alive still procrastinating all day long, yet to touch any of my books. By the way, what is there to study? Oh, psychiatry maybe. But other than that, internal medicine itself is so wide, and we can get anything under the sun, be it common or rare. I just don't see the point in doing so. When the time comes, it all boils down to what i've learnt for the past 5 years, that's it. I don't think that some last minute brain cramming sessions would help.

I guess everyone else around me do not think so. When everyone is so stressed up about studying, i am stressed up about procrastinating! Muahaha, maybe that's just how the complicated brain of mine works...

@ 1257, 17072008... it could be pizza tonight, and cartoons for sure... i deserve this break...

Learn...

Though 'zonked', i can't stop wondering how are you getting along right now. I've been through there, trust me, it ain't a simple journey. Life is all about learning, learning and learning. That's it. In the end of the day, that's what which makes you a better person...

You've gotta learn to...

1. fight for your right

2. stand up for what's right

3. give and take

4. communicate

5. share

6. avoid when necessary

7. face the truth when the time comes

and never forgetting,

8. BE ALONE.

Easy to say, but really tough when you go through it. At times it is indeed lonely, no matter what, there is surely a silver lining in every black cloud. You've just gotta find it yourself. The 'little wonder' in 'everything' is just waiting to be discovered and unleashed, so, find it. When you get it, everything shall be 'smooth sailing' once more...

@ 1805, 16072008... Hang in there...

Zonked...

It's just Tuesday, and im already totaly 'zonked' out. Long days, short nights. That's all i can say. At least most of the 'important' events in my life are almost over, just left with completing the remaining of portfolios, and another visit to 'kluang' next week, and that's the end of surgery.

Time is crawling past everyday. This is the best time for it to fly by, as i can't wait for it all to end. The sooner the better. Im pretty sick with my pathetic life right this moment. I just want to go home, spend all the time in the world, on myself, and myself only. Ain't i selfish? Oh, i don't care. I am so indeed of a break. A break from everything, a break from medicine per se, a break from everyone. Relationships seem to be heating up nowdays, with everyone so stressed and zonked out after being together for a continous 5 months here down south, away from civilisation...

Im giving myself excuses not to type out my last portfolio, which ironically is my favourite specialty. That's why i decided to blog! I've nothing better to do nowdays, other that face the notebook and type portfolios. My brain is just to tired to process and organize the history, as BIG 'D' said, it's 'fleeting' all over this very moment. If it does, then i'll produce a portfolio that no one can make heads or tails out of the history!

@ 2200, 15072008... 11 days to go... i just can't stop counting the days...

Final countdown begins...

In 14 days time, i'll be leaving this depressing place down south for good, hopefully. It's the end of the journey of 5 years of med school, the start of a new journey in the cruel world out there. Nothing beats the journey that i had the past 4 months, as it is equivalent to whatever i went through the past 4 years of med school. The lowest periods that i ever had in my life, the saddest moments, the journey of 'making' a competent 'doctor' (which i still not dare claim that title till now), it all shall come to and end, soon enough.

It's this last 2 weeks that everything has to be settled, especially those left 'half hanging in the air' portfolios. It's time to finilize every single detail, the last chance to 'make the necessary changes' before going in for the viva. Im so dreading to go through them again and again, as i always have the tendency to want it to be perfect. It's going to be a uphill task the next few days. With another one more to complete (not yet begun for that matter), and 9 waiting in line to be corrected. Even by just thinking about it makes me sick to the tummy.

So, whats going to be like after the exams? Guess what, my mum has already made 'big' plans, i.e. like going for a brain scan for starters? All i just want is to have a good rest at home, snooze day in and day out, or just stone in front of the idiot box. I really miss those holidays. Since entering clinical school, i've never had time to spend on the things that i really like, never had a holiday long enough to get bored at home. I think i deserve one right this moment, or at least after all these is over...

@ 2218, 13072008, mixed feelings, i want it to end ASAP, yet, i do not want it to ever come to an end...

Bye bye holiday...

Gosh, time flies when you are on holiday. I've not done a thing the entire day, and its back to routine once again tomorrow. Wards, wards and more wards! Im sort of sick of the entire routine, i need change. I need something different to make my life more exciting. Where am i ever going to get it in this place?

I've just been under the weather lately. Im tired, im drained, im just not in a mood to do anything. With the workload piling up each day, everything left half-hanging to be completed. The amount of 'stuff to be completed' are piling on my desk. Soon, i can't even see myself under all those papers. One after the other, they just keep pouring in. I guess this is what you get when you are at the end of your 5 year journey of med-school, the transition to the world out there.

My migranes seem to be of killing nature lately. I've been taking any kind of NSAID that i can get my hands on, 3 hourly. I've finished my supply of naproxen and celebrex. Now, solely dependent on PCM. Nothing seems to work, but at least the cocktail seems to allow me to get some sleep. I've lost all my appetite, but am indeed hungry. Im back to my old pathetic self, lavaging both ways when i consume anything under the sun, even plain H2O. I've lost all my energy to do anything. I've lost intrest in anything. I just want to stay in bed all day, do nothing, sleep my way through the next few weeks, with no worries...

@ 2343, 090708, i've caught the bug...

The last lesson...

"The mediocre teacher tells.

The good teacher explains.

The superior teacher demonstrates.

The great teacher inspires."

- William Ward -

Today was my last lesson with one of the 'greatest' teachers of all times. The next time we meet would be the determining point if these past 5 years have been worth it. Never i had a teacher as he was, and i would like love to continue to be his student if i ever have the opportunity in the near future. He's not that kind of a person where you could just walk up to and ask questions. As he puts it 'you do not ask the questions, only I ask the questions'. But, the session today was entirely different. We saw through a 'great fellow', the 'real' him. We finally had the chance to 'ask' the questions, where for once, we were not intimidated by his looks and smirks. And guess what? He is INDEED a Type D! (Direct, decisive, driving, dominant, demanding, determined, authority, sees the big picture, and definitely an instinctive leader!) Haha, maybe that's what which brought him to where he stands today. All the success he ever achieved, all the respects that he earns.

I am indeed going to miss all the sessions that we ever had in his company, all the classes which he ever 'conducted'. It's always only towards the end we appreciate the sessions we had together. I am proud to be one of his students, and would always be. And guess what? I am indeed going to walk up to him, and tell him that 'i would be your successor one day'!!!

@ 1916, 080708, 'getting a MBBS is just the begining of a new journey...'

Big 'D'

Everything seems to be related to the 'D'...

1. Survived through 'D' day and is still alive
2. being a type 'D' person
3. spent time with someone who is a 100% 'D'

Im just drained. There goes losing another night of luxury sleep. At least im relieved that both my portfolio cases are accepted, just that i've to sit down and figure one out. It's makes a vast difference when you discuss it with a GREAT and normal person. This 100% D brain just function differently. Which is what that makes him the best at everything he does.

After everything tomorrow, i'll just lay dead in bed. I can't wait for the time to come. I can't even walk straight, think straight... All i need now is sleep and i can't get it tonight once more. The good thing about everything is that now only the corrections have to be made, no more doubts if i had chosen the correct case, and hopefully, everything turns out right by the end of this week.

@ 2235, 070708, is wednesday ever coming???

Well deserved break...

After toiling 3 consecutive nights, just to complete 2 portfolios, im leaving for a well deserved break in 3 hours time. Gosh, i've waited so so long for this day. At least im leaving this hell hole for 36 hours, FAR FAR AWAY from portfolios! Last minute, haha, that's so me. Why bother to rush? Did i ever forget to mention that the meeting with 'GOD' is on monday night? Hah, im so anticipating the sarcasm that would burst out...

Im down to the last 3 learning issues, which i am indeed so so sick of. I never understood the purpose and reason of the 8 outcomes, still do not understand them now after completing 9 portfolios, and i don't think that i will ever will! The most time consuming part of doing the portfolio is figuring what to do for learning issues, which i never seem to learn anything at all!

I miss home, i miss sleep! I'll drop dead after eveything is over on tuesday for sure! Thank goodness wed happens to be a public hol here down south. Finally, a MID WEEK BREAK. My plan is to just sleep through the entire 24 hours, or, just lazing around, doing nothing, at least nothing relevant to portfolios!

My eyelids are so heavy, i can barely lift them up. I practically slept through the entire seminar this afternoon, after the session, someone told me i looked like i just got 'punched in the eyes'. It's that bad, ain't it?

@ 0529, 05072008... I NEED SLEEP!!!

LEAVE ME ALONE...

I am indeed going to blow up soon. Why bother to be someone's labrat a.k.a busybody a.k.a. slave a.k.a. orang suruhan? It's obvious that something is going on here. The idiot who refuses to do the dirty job himself, to pick up the responsibilities that he agreed to, is asking you to clean up the mess that he has made. Aren't you an idiot? if you ever read this and understand it, good for you, if not, too bad coz your skull is too thick to be penetrated, or brain too dense for that matter. Guess what, you shall never be successful in whatever mission you are on, and you are going to fail miserable. All because of your ignorance, unable to see the whole picture of whatever that's going on now, selfish-ness and craziness to want to prove someone wrong! Grow up! Whatever is going on now, is getting 'hotter' by the second, and no one wants any volcanoes to ever erupt. Your best friend is starting to say things that are not making sense nowdays, and you are already in the same boat! Everyone knows what is going on, wait till all the truth spills out, then we shall see who gets that last laugh...

@ 1329, 02072008, just can't wait for what is going to happen next... life is full of 'dramas'...

'Grand-rounds'

What an experience, a total waste of time! Whatever they were doing in front, i have no clue, but this was a picture of whatever that was happening behind the scene.

'This idiot has been hogging him for so long. Should just ask him to hug him!'

'Better ask him to take him home!'

'Why not you pounce on one, i pounce on the other?'

'Hahahaha...'

'Is he ever going to stop?'

'Don't think so...'

'Darn sien. A total waste of time.'

'Those people are such busy-bodies.'

'They shouldn't be here in the forst place!'

'Dahlah crowded, samore kiasu. Stupid betul!'

These conversations went on and on till the so called ward-round ended. A total waste of time. Following like pavlov's dogs, can't hear a thing going on...

@ 1317, 02072008

'Grandfather' like...

Or as J usually puts it, 'GOD-like'. Oh, he IS indeed a 'GOD-like' figure in our community. Just a mention of his name, everyone would go like...Ohhhh. Sarcastic is his middle name. Nevertheless, i do enjoy his sessions. It's amazing that he asks you questions that never crossed your mind, which indeed is related to a particular patient. After a session, just feel AWESOME...

When put in the 'hot-seat', i would just begin to babble nonsense. Which i myself do not understand. An example...

'The diagnosis is renal colic secondary to renal calculi'

'Can you put it in a more precise way?'

'Left renal colic secondary to left renal calculi'

'You know what? If you listen back to what you just said, i think you would think that you were funny' 'So, can colic occur at other places than the ureters?'

'Emm...can, like in the gut?'

'No la, in the ureter. Can other causes than stones cause colic?'

'No.'

'So, if your answer is no, then what is the diagnosis?'

'Ureteric colic?'

'Thank you.'

'Welcome.'

LOL!!! I almost killed myself after i said that! It's spinal reflex when i answered, nothing ever when through my brain! Gosh, i would not like to repeat that ever again. No one dared to argue with him that it could be renal colic, as in his context, there is no such thing as renal colic.

That's just through the camera, i just can't wait for his presence 'live'...

@1243, 01072008, tired, tired, tired...

Enjoy now, suffer later???

That's exactly what you'll get for being a glutton. Actually, that only applies to me, in particular. After having such a super-duperly long and unproductive day, i was just tired, hungry, and sleepy. Straight to my favourite tom yam place in BP, 'ta pao-ed' a serving, got home, indulged with the company of 7-up. Heavenly indeed... till just 30 mins ago... There we go... out, out and only out... NONSTOP!!! Supposed to be fuel-ed up, ready for tomorrow, instead, i feel like DYING...

Im just going to snooze my way through the night, definitely try my best to do it. At times like this, i just wished that im home, in my confy bed, with a story book in hand, or just mum by my side, yakking nonstop. I really do miss those moments in life, especially, when you are alone at 'the end of the world' like place, depressed with life, tonnes of work to complete, datelines to meet... It's just ridiculous going through life like this everyday, which in the end, it would not matter, because all of us would just DIE!!! Ironically, everyone around is chaing their dreams, to the extent of 'killing' each other to get the best for oneself.

Currently, im just 'zonked' out! A new term that i shall be using more frequently, especially in the next month...

@ 2108, 30062008, last 3 hours of June, welcome, JULY...

'Jual ikan' anyone???

Didn't ever your mother teach you never to 'sell-fish'? I just can't stand people who behave as so. Unfortunately, more than 50% of the people that we mingle with every single day are like that. What a sad state. Why, must you just keep the best for yourself, even it's just the tiniest matter ever, when it could benefit everyone else, without any harm to you? Would it kill you to just share whatever benefits with others?


Why can't you bring joy to this world? Where eveyone has an equal fair share of whatever it is? The part that i do not get is that you decide to share it with certain, particular people, who are never to be involved in the first place?

Oh, go on, call me a sore thumb, i don't give a damn. But, there are people out there who are. Anyways, i always believed that 'WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND'! In the end of the day, you can't win it all. It's never made so. So, i'll just watch the show that's 'playing in theateres' soon...

@ 2151, 23062008... oh, grow up!

Blues...

There we go again. Complaints about being depressed and homesick. I've caught the blues. Im downright sad most of the time, not even my favourite meals can cheer me up. I've been lethargic the entire day, snoozing for almost 14 hours, doing nothing other than procrastinating! I've wasted more than 24 hours, which time is supposed to be valueble to me nowdays.

Im just not being myself. Maybe the loss of my other half has taken a toll on me. I just miss him dearly. I mean, i don't think i can live without him. I can't stop thinking of him, wondering about what he's doing this very moment, if he has had his meals, if he has been sleeping well... GOSH, I AM GOING MAD!

I can't wait for the next few days to pass. I just can't wait to go home. I'll go nuts if i stay at this place for another week. I'm already at the verge of suicide, but, it's consequences seems to outweight it's benefits. At times, i do wish that i could just die this very moment, if life was that easy...

@ 1930, 22062008... It's the begining of the last posting tomorrow, where has my past 15 weeks gone???

Call from home...

'Whatya going to do if you do not get the offer?' That was the opening sentence. It was 0745, on a saturday morning, what do you expect me to do at that time, other than being in a sleepy state. It then went on and on and on... 'i talked to dad yesterday night... He feels this.... feels that... And ended with... Im so sorry that i woke you up. You had a late night yesterday? Oh, it's saturday, how come you're still in bed? No classes today?' LOL!!!

Al least she got everything off her chest (i hope that at least would last for the time being, till i get home next week). All i did in the entire conversation was grunting and answer ya ya ya. I could hardly hold the phone in my hand. If not because of that particular ring tone that i get when i receive a call from home, i wouldn't had even answered the call in the first place.

She's just worried. Worried sick if i would add to it. I know she meant well. At least hoping that it would all turn out to be the best for me. Though being brought up being independent and all, i know that they're still watching over my back all the time. It's fine by me, as long as the final decisions are still in my hands. But, at times, it's just so hard to explain things over and over and over again, when they just seem not to get the whole picture. All these craziness has ben going on for months now (since feb this year), was then interrupted in between, and yet, now it's back to haunt me.

Next week would not be an easy week for me. Trust me, there would be plentiful of discussion session, explaining matters over and over again. For the time being, im just drained and swarmed with all these...

@ 0952, 21062008, it's just begining of the weekend, feels like the end already... GOSH...

Ulcer???

'Eat to live, or, live to eat?'

Which would be more appropriate. Im the live to eat kindda person. Nowdays, it hardly makes a difference whether i do consume the so called 'food' or not. Whatever that goes in, definitely comes out. The best part is when whatever goes in, it causes a tummy ache which seems to be worse. I've a feeling in cumin down with an ulcer or something, coz it does hurt tremendously when i start eating, but if i don't, it hurts as well.

No worries. Im still alive anyway. As long as it does not decide to bleed or perforate, fine by me. But, please do give me a break sometimes. There are times that i would love to be 'pain free'. Meal-wise, since it hurts whether i take in anything or not, forget the TDS regime then. I'll just stick to my usual, EAT ON DEMAND...

@ 1421, 20062008, a whole day of briefings and de-briefings, another at 1500, DARN!

Dumps...

Im back into the dumps. Don't ask why. Just did not feel good after waking up just now. Im so lazy to even sit up to type in this post! There are so many things in my mind right now, im swarmed with ideas, information, problems, choices to be made...

Maybe im just homesick. I've yet to call home after a week to total 'non-communication' with anyone at home. Im longing to call home, yet, im reluctant to do so. Leading such an aimless life, i've given up in making decisions.

Im just not being myself. Lost my appetite altogether. Something is wrong. Deep inside. But, i don't know what. It drives me nuts when i get into the dumps, with no good reason behind it. Maybe i'll make the call home later, maybe i'll should just stop thinking, maybe i should just lead a simple life like others, maybe i should just be myself, maybe it's time to give up, maybe i should just talk to someone... Maybe, maybe, maybe... Never-ending of maybe's... Nevertheless, one thing is for sure, life is full of possiblities, which leads to the intractable number of choices to be made, leading to the uncertainty that we go through every day...

@ 1944, 10062008, maybe im just hungry...

Choices...

The sea of options are so vast. Overwhelming till im drowning. I've reached my breaking point till i don't even know what is my purpose in life. I don't even know what i want to do after i graduate. Plans, plans, plans... Never-ending plans. One after the other, if plan A dosen't work out, then move on to plan B. You know what? IM really SICK of thinking about it.

Had a rather intriguing conversation earlier. In the end of the day, it all boils down to 4 crucial factors...

1. income
2. workload
3. ease of securing a definite position
4. family

So, which comes first? Prioritisation, another aspect which i suck at big time. I don't think that income and workload would be a problem for me. Im definitely torn between family and the ease of securing a definite position. I DON'T KNOW. I don't know what's going on in my life this moment, i don't know what im thinking most of the time. Why can't i just be like everyone else, and get absorbed into the government system? Why can't i just lead a simple, un-intresting, un-stressful life? Why must there be so many decisions and choices to be made? Why? Why? Why?

In the end of the day, i do know that these would be the fruits of my labour. But, for now, i am really sick of listening to what other people say, especially from someone who plays an important role in my life. I don't think i can take it anymore. I felt that i should had deferred. Im really starting to regret it now. It's too late though, and i have to live with the consequences. I definitely do not want to make another similiar mistake in the near future. I don't think that im ready to go out there and face life now. I need a break... A long long long long long break......

@ 1344, 19062008, what would you do??? What should i do???

Makan makan...

Though 3 out of the 5 of us are outcasts, we all have 1 thing in common, i.e. makan-makan. Everyday, the conversations which takes place in the wards consists mainly on FOOD! Then, its sure to be followed by an early lunch break if we managed to 'escape' from the 'jail cell'.

Now, fully loaded with french fries and a banana pie, its time to pay snoozieland a visit. Im totally drained after pouring through the journals on IUGR yesterday night, and that was actually considered a portfolio with 'some minor corrections'! LOL! It took me another 6 hours to get it done! So called minor corrections. I wonder how long the others took to 'correct' theirs.

In the end of the day, it just boils down to me being the perfectionist. I can't rush through things. Even if i do so, i'll have to go through it again and again and again. It's just a bad habit which i seem not being able to shrug off. It's funny that i'll finally let it be when the time is up, but then only to start regretting of not doing a better job, when i've already tried my best. At times i feel that im just being too harsh on myself, but without the displine, i don't think i'll be standing here typing what im doing right now.

@ 1322, 18062008... another session at 1600, DARN!

What's worth? What's not?

I tend to get my dose of 'EUPHORIA' towards the end of every posting, especially when there's the portfolio review and feedback sessions. I've done it again this time, WELL... with minor corrections. Im just glad and relieved that all these are over, and most importantly, O&G is coming to an end. Can't wait to start surgery next week, last posting though, meaning these would be the last 5 weeks in my entire life being a medial student! I am so not prepared to be released into the world of 'real' medicine soon, wished that it woud take another 5 years, or more, i dont mind. Im no looking foward to go out there to work, especially in a world which would be unforgiving at times, surrounded by nasty people from all walks of life.

This would be the time to ask myself whether whatever i went thought the past 5 years was worth it. All the failures in the begining, tears shed most of the time, tantrums thrown while i get so so fed-up of reading all those stuff that never made any sense at that time. If you asked me, med school was never an easy journey for me, especially each time sitting for exams. I am so used of failing till i have lost almost all my confidence when i go in for exams. And guess what, the confidence that you see in me right before going to exams, well, that's definitely not me! Though smiling and giggly prior to it, deep inside, im strugling to keep my senses together. Defence mechanism, like what they call it. It's as if a stab wound that would never heal, after my first failure in sem 1. I'll never forget the moments that i went through after getting my results, had to re-study 'everything' in that 2 weeks, worrying about mum being in the hospital at that time. I was really lucky to manage to scrape through it, then when sem 3 with the viva, oh god. I never knew that i would had passed. I still remembered clearly that when i told my mum i had to go for viva, she din't even know that it was for borderline viva, which determines a pass of fail. You'll never imagine what i go through everytime before the viva list comes out from then on. It's as if im having a 'heart attack'. I hardly breath, with the diaphoresis and palpitations... UNIMAGINABLE...

Though life in clinical school was 'fun', a.k.a freaking tough! It was the reading and memorizing that's killing me now, as im more of a 'common sense' kinda person. Come to think of it, clinical school life in BP ain't that bad after all. I've somehow managed to regain my confidence which i've lost along the past 5 years, though at times i now feel that i should just 'shut up'. Life has been pretty nasty the past few months here, nevertheless, i should thank my lucky stars that i've pulled though it. Although the next few weeks would not be an easy ride as well, but, i'm sure i'll make it through ALIVE. I know i will. It's just that i'll never know the results of it yet, as it would all be revealed in August.

I guess for now life just goes on, as it is. I am certainly grateful to all the kind souls that i met along this journey, which we call them as 'guardian angels'. I do believe their existence, and everyone is at a particular place at a particluar time for a purpose.

@ 1720, 17062008... blogging overdose for now...

"A good set of bowels is worth more to a man than any quantity of brains" - Josh Billings

"Man should strive to have his intestines relaxed all the days of his life" - Moses Maimonides

"The colon is the playing field for all human emotions" - Cyrus Kapadia

Was flipping through one of the books, when i came across these quotes at the front page of the gastrointestinal system. I do agree with the quotes above, after having 'ill-behaved' bowels for such a long time, at times i would just like to 'yank' it ALL OUT! Im just not myself today, after having the day off yesterday, then back to wards once again after almost a week of break, im just being crappy.

But, i couldn't agree more with Cyrus. It's definitely true that how your bowels behave that particular day, that would be exactly how the person would. Maybe it's just not a good day for me today, i guess. Currently, its not only the bowels causing the mood swings, its more of the migranes which seems to be progressively getting worse each time i get it. Increasing in frequencies, durations and intensities. It's driving me nuts. I seem to be pumping in whatever i can get my hands on, from PCM to naproxen to celebrex. Im at the verge of going nuts with these pounding headaches. Most of the time its as if its going to explode, but, it just dosen seem to! Being short tempered and moody nowadays, anything small matter would just tick me off...

@ 1251, 17062008, i need a break, before i go nuts...

The 'un-EVENTFUL' wkend...

Drained... I am. After such a long long long weekend... At least we have today off. Thanks to some BLARDY BITCH, who did not confirm the existence of vc this morning, forced us to pull our butts out of bed, went there, got EVERYONE (including the leturer) PISSED, when there was so called 'MISCOMMUNICATION'! How much more irresponsible could she had been??? And there she goes, snoozing confortably in her bed, not knowing whatever that has happened, coz she was NOT IN THIS PARTICULAR GROUP. Wait till i get my hands on her neck tomorrow morning!

The super-duperly long and un-anticipating weekend has passed, now its back to portfolios and wards. Had pretty much fun though, not considering the side effects of un-describable fatigue and aches everywhere. Played my usual role, brough cheer to the kids there, made new friends, i sort of enjoyed myself. Indulged in continouos supply of 'kampong' delicacies, treated as if we were at home by the villages... Let the pictures do the talking...

@1153, 16062008, there are many more photos, but, its just taking too long to load up the photos...

Back from the dead...

Literally... Almost died after the 'longest day in my life'. It was as if never ending. One after the other, continuously, with only 'loo breaks' in between. Lost all appetite, hardly had the time to eat, actually. At least its partially over for now, only with more to come.

Depressingly back in BP, stuck here for the weekend. How i just wished to get an MC and 'get the hell out of here' right now! Thanks to a COMPULSORY TO ATTEND community project, which i would indefinetely fail this semester if i fail to participate in it. What to do, its not like i have a choice... DUH!!!

Anyways, i shall go there, be my usual self, and 'clown' around!! Haha, there we go again, i shall repeat what i did almost a year ago. Just hope that i still do remember how to 'twist those balloons'. Forgotten whatever i learnt last time round, tonight shall be last minute practice for me...

@ 1939, 13062008, argghh, a migrane is on the way... just can feel it coming...

Lub Dub Dub Dub...

That's all that i could hear the entire night! Pounding migrane, with an icepack covering my entire face, overloaded with painkillers, nose stuffed up till i could hardly breathe, tummy growling incessantly, how on earth could i sleep? I finally tired out at about 5am, where i jumped out of bed at 0730. Almost did not make it for clinic session, i could barely stand straight.

'Zombie look' as usual, managed to survive through the entire morning with prof N. Migrane is coming back, i can feel the 'aura' as it returns. Oncall once again tonight. Im so so sick of O&G. Maybe i shall just go there and sleep my way through the entire night, after all im preparing for the long drive tomorrow.

I just don't get my tummy these days. It seems to be behaving progressively worse! It just dosen't get satisfied with whatever its given, be it food or lomotil. It's 'immune' to almost everything that gets poured in, only then to 'spit' everything out once more. Im at the verge of losing my mind. Crazziness, which i call it, especially adapting to YOUR OWN TUMMY. Nowdays it's no more mind over tummy, but, TUMMY OVER MIND.

It's going to be snoozieland for now... If i manage to pass thru the first stage, which is FALLING ASLEEP...

@ 1520, 09062008... my head is going to blow!!!

Playful???

Was rather moody when i got up this morning. Nevertheless, this clip did cheer me up, because it reminds me of myself at times, when i find mischieve, in everything i do.

@ 1206, 08062008, darn, my cravings are back to haunt me!

Retail therapy...

It's KILLS! Especially when you are superbly depressed and had a really bad day. Went out with the intention of stocking up on Lomotil, instead of spending a mere Rm2, I ended up spending RM370! Gosh, its cut-throat i tell you. I've been keeping my eyes out for this particular kindda watch, and i found it at 15% off today. I just could not resists the temptations, and with a wallet loaded with cash, this is the consequence that i paid for...

I've spent almost half of my monthly allowance in just 1 hour. This means no more cravings satisfied, all meals at home, no more splurging on junk food! It's going to be a lesson learnt. But, knowing me, i'll end up in another spree next month when im depressed once more.

@ 1935, 07062008... Just could not resist it...

Cats & dogs...

Pouring outside, ted stuck in the room without his morning walk! What a pity that we snoozed till it started raining. Darn hungry, i just don't get my tummy these days. It keeps growling non-stop, be it empty or full, but a different kinda growl, of course. Im just not being myself. Cravings at unearthly hours, waking up with migranes and tummy aches, ending up eating nothing most of the time... I think my gut has had enough nonsense, for all it has gone through. I've a feeling soon my tummy is just going to give up and stop working altogether. How i wished that that moment would be right now.

Going to have a tough next few weeks, continuous activities, fully occupied weekends. One event after the other, till the exit viva in august, it shall be a 'roller coaster' ride. At least im not so so depressed this morning when i got up, and its all because ITS A SATURDAY and I DON'T HAVE TO STONE IN THE WARD! Thank heavens.

@ 1000, 07062008, shall i just let it go to waste???

Lousy, lousy...

Its just like any other morning where you wake up and not feel like yourself. Depressed, lousy, just not in the mood to do anything. All i want is just to leave this *%^ing place and GO HOME! My mood swings are back to haunt me, migrane getting worse than ever eventhough im getting more than enough sleep, bowels so haywire till nothing works anymore. IM STRESSED OUT! AT A BREAKING POINT!

From now on, these rantings shall go on and on and on, at least till the end of july, till almost everything has settled down, except for the 'one chance only' to pass exam in August. Oh, i don't know, every little thing just stressed me out nowdays (what time to go to the hosp, what to do there, if my beds are empty, whether there's a session later today, what im going to have for dinner, what time to take ted for a walk...)

Oh, I DON'T KNOW. I guess im just BURNT OUT after 3 weeks of O&G, or is it because the 'end' is so near yet so far? I feel as though i need to talk to someone, but yet, i can't seem to open up to anyone around. Be it a stranger or a friend, it dosen't work on me. It never does. I can't call mum to tell her what's going on with me right now, she would be worried sick, or she wouldn't be bothered much as she always thinks that 'i can handle things'. I honestly have no idea where she gets all the confidence that she has on me, when i DON'T EVEN HAVE IT MYSELF!

These are the times that i wished that life were that simple. Wake up, spend the entire day doing whatever i like, then go to bed with no worries in mind...

@ 0745, 06062008, i've had enough of life...

No second chances...

Was counting my days earlier this afternoon, realized something which i failed to realise long long time ago. Im just going to get 'one-shot' at it this time, no second chances. Im literally 'freaking-out' this moment, at the verge to contemplating suicide. Stress levels now are of the 'un-imaginable'. Regrets are starting to pour in, but of no use. It's too late now to cry over spilled milk. All i can do now is to 'make the best' out of whatever i have left, and PRAY EXTREMELY HARD!

Most of the things in life are a 'once in a lifetime' chance event. This time round, it's no different. Honestly, whatever 'life changing events' that are bout to happen these few months down the road, there would be 'no return ticket'. Whatever that's ever going to happen, is going to happen, just how that i would make the 'best out of it'. It's going to be an extremely 'short' next few months, with tonnes of critical decisions to be made, which would affect my future altogether. I sincerely hate these moments in life, never had to go through it before in this contexts. When everything is laid out and options given, it's not that simple to decide. There's no more 'going back' to where it all began. That staged has passed a 'long time' ago, and it's time to move on. No more procrastinating, no more being a kid, it's time to GROW UP!

Gosh, im so not ready to face life at this moment. Im driving myself nuts, i don't think that i can handle all these 'craziness' at this moment. Im still an immature soul, waiting to discover one-self. I've yet to pass through that phase. It's like i have to grow up in 2 months, after all i've not been 'growing up' for the past 24 years! Where the hell has it all gone to? Im definitely not ready to face whatever that's going to be thrown to me be it now, or in a couple of months time...

@ 2101, 05062008, i don't think i can take it anymore...

Change of heart...

Being in week 3 of O&G, it's causing me to have a change of heart. Don't get me wrong, IM NEVER SPECIALIZING IN O&G. After conducting deliveries for the past 2 weeks, it got me thinking that no matter what, everyone should be given an equal chance of survival. I've been given the golden opportunity to witness the 'gift of life' miracle, and yet, had the chance to see with my own eyes the totally different outcomes of a supposedly happy event awaiting antipication. From spontaneously 'crying their lungs out' babies, to babies born with an apgar score of 0 at 1 minute, 4 at 5 minutes and 9 at 10 minutes, to a term fetus ending up as a case of intrauterine demise. I guess this just completes the whole cycle of life & death, which seems to be never ending in this world.

I still have not given up on being an orthopod per se, but would now certainly consider an entire spectrum of a different speciality. Dealing with infants whom i deem as innocent and deserve a chance of being alive, anxious parents a chance of loving and nurturing a living child instead of taking it back for a funeral, miracles awaiting to happen. Nevertheless, it would be a speciality which outcomes would be not predictable most of the time, just do your best, and leave it in the hands of their kamma.

Other than being TIRED ALL THE TIME, wasting my mornings in the wards being a zombie, i am starting to enjoy myself. It's mainly the teaching sessions that i enjoy, as its rather beneficial, and although i am tired, i still gain something from these session. Doing overnight calls that require you to stand all the time is killing me, stoning in the wards in a standing position is killing me, in conclusion, BOTH MY LEGS ARE KILLING ME! They're aching bad, accompanied with nasty gastronemous cramps ocuring hourly, soles hurting like hell...

@ 1724, 03062008, i could go on complaining some more...

The countdown begins...

With a week to go, there i am back in square one once more. I've forgotten everything i tried to pump in in the past few weeks. Thanks to the 'crazy' portfolio marathons that i've been having the past 2 weeks. At least those are settled for now. Tonight onwards my nights shall be different, no more the 'procrastinating through games' all night longs, no more 'heaven in snoozieland'. I've got less that a week to pump in as much as i can. Time is running short!

Gosh, on call again tonight. Im really getting sick of this routine. It's all because i have better things to do than waste my time in the DS. It's pretty sickening if it is empty, but tiring if it is full. I guess nothing is best, other than just lazing at home doing nothing. NOTHING BEATS THAT FOR SURE!

@ 1908, 02062008... Leaving soon... IM so LAZY...

Never ending conversations...

All i did this weekend... Yak and yak and yakked my way through it! I've completed my quota for the next two weeks in a duration of 2 days!

Conversation 1: (this was in mandarin)

'Wah, you lost weight!'

'No la. How are you? Haven't met you for so long?'

'Really la, you lost weight since the last time i saw you.'

After the hug...

'How come you are so thin now???'

Conversation 2:

'So, i want it this way and that.'

'Cannot lah.'

'U sure bo? If canot then i don't want to friend you already!'

'Eh, since when i became like that? I've never seen this side of you before...'

Conversation 3:

'How's your diarrhea?'

'Mmm. Still like that la.'

'You meant the same, better or worse?'

'Same la. No difference. Still like that.'

'Eh, already more than 2 years already le. You should have got used to whatever you are doing now. It shouldn't be a problem.'

'Haha. Yeah.' I ended it with a grunt...

'Hey, it's not a laughing matter. If it's still like that after so long, you better find out what's wrong!'

So these are just parts of the conversations, which i could remember. I guess the rest of the time i was not doing the yakking. Im dog tired, dying to go to bed. Just finished up my second portfolio. About to print it out now for submission tomorrow. At least it's a half day for me, no VC in the afternoon! Hooray! Sadly, im oncall once again at night... Arggh. There goes another night's sleep lost...

@ 2219, 01062008, oh no, it's JUNE!

Clinicians vs academicians

It was only not long ago that i started to appreciate the work of clinicians. All the sessions with them, in the end of the day, it all boils down to 'how u think'. That simple! Had 2 rather intuiging session today, procrastinating through this morning's.

Was having a discussion session about ectopic pregnancies and all, when i came out with this 'enlightening idea'. I actualy blurted out:

'Can we take the fertilised egg from the tubes and implant it into the uterus?'

The respond given... 'where did you hear that story from?'

'Aaaaa, it was just an idea...'

'Common, im sure you heard it from somewhere before. I never knew that 'this news' was ever exposed to public before.'

She then told us the entire story whatever that happened in the medical field, that it was proven that it was 'imagined', and that his mind was of a madman.

A. turned to me and said 'OMG, you have a mind of ...'

'This is the result of LACK OF SLEEP!' I need to sleep, BADLY...

I shall not repeat myself but i can't help it, that I DO HATE O&G. It's just that i don't enjoy this posting a bit. I feel that it is a waste of time to 'go & stone' so early in the morning. I do not mind if i have something productive to do, but then... WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO THERE other than STAND at the bedside STONING? It's rude to stand in front of a patient for so long not talking to her, it's rude to sit the the specially allocated sofa's in the wards, it's rude to sit on the patient's chair next to her bed not talking to her, it's rude to 'hog' the nurse station or pantry... So, WHERE THE HELL are we supposed to be? Theoretically, OUT OF EVERYONE's WAY!

At times, i just do not get the system of wasting time. It goes on EVERY SINGLE MORNING. At least the late morning and afternoon sessions are rather beneficial. Today, we learnt how to put the pieces of a complex puzzle together, ensuring that there is a myriad possibilities to a achieve a diagnosis, and that medicine was NOT THAT STRAIGHTFOWARD at times after all.

A sigh of relief that it's finally friday tomorrow, AND IM GOING HOME! Superly duperly YAY! I need the break. Still half way through my 2nd portfolio, which the datelines happens to be delayed till monday. I've got all the info i need, im just so so lazy right now to put it into words. Gosh, it's 0422 and my cravings for hot milo and mamak goreng starts right now...

@ 0423, 30052008, end of the month... So soon???

Luck... Good or bad???

No idea how to put it. Post call today, went to wards at 0730. Walked in, 6 beds full. Ironic thing was that the patients that i had yesterday we all apparently 'transferred' to someone elses beds! I had a whole set of 'fresh' cases, ironically again all with GDM! Was just complaining to someone the other day that i never clerked a case of GDM, and viola, ALL 6 beds had GDM, on the same morning.

Did my rounds with 'super speed'. Hoping that prof N would not show up so early. That lady decided to come in at 0900, did her 'quick' rounds with the HO's and MO's, then with us. Of all cases... SHE PICKED MY BED!!! OMG! I freaked. My history was super duperly summarised, PE just a touch and go. Anyhow, i still presented. Honestly speaking, she was really nice. I've learnt tonnes from her (coz im the lazy kind who do not read up on anyting in O&G for that matter). So far im still not in trouble with her, hoping of staying away of it anyhow. She's dedicated to teach, which i can say for sure, open to questions anytime. It's more of application of what we already know, and how to put it into the context of each individual patient. At least i can't say that her sessions aren't beneficial...

Went for the 'extreme' tom yum for lunch, then post-call snoozieland in the afternoon. My instincts were right, i had a session with Dr K after Dr L's class! The best part is that i only knew it AFTER the session at 1730, only to receive a message... "Sorry not to tell you earlier that we had a session with DrK after the Kg angkat meeting. Anyway all the post call ppl did not show up, he din't ask. If he asks u tomolo pls tell him u r post call." HOW IRONIC! I almost fell off my bed when i read that text! Honestly speaking, if i knew about the session, i would not have gone. Im still so 'zonked' out at this moment...

@ 2158, 28052008...

Gila-kah???

Try doing 2 overnight calls in 4 days... 1 call every alternate day... Gosh... My feet are killing me. At least i had stuff to do tonight. Busy from 8pm till 1am, when things were just about to settle down... There the show starts again, picking up at 4am! Conducted 2 deliveries tonight, theoretically i've completed my quota of 5, practically only 4, coz my first ever, i was just an assistant (yet to get the signature for that from dr F), still 3 more calls to go, that can wait...

Finally today was not a day for primids to come in. My first was a para 2, second a PARA 9! Super-grand-multi-para! My gosh, the baby just 'poped out' after i did the VE! The baby girl was so so cute, all the staff nurses fell in love with her, even volunteered to adopt her. Nevertheless, the mum mentioned that some aunt of hers already 'booked' the child!

IM so dreading tomorrow. Someone is back after 1 1/2 weeks of leave, which means we would definitely have a session with him in the afternoon. Darn! Im post call, i don't think i'll show up anyway. For once i can say that im starting to enjoy this posting, with Prof N's sessions and all. She's sort of a nice lady, but, if she has other intentions behind our back, that's another story. Looong day tomorrow, be in the wards by 0730, stone there till 1145, the back to imu for a session with prof N, session with dr L, then ...

@ 0617, 28052008... Another long day... Why are my nights so short???

Post...

Postcall... PostVC... Post-portfolio submission... Post-functioning in DS... PostCFCS...

Finally my 'superly-duperly' looooong week came to an end. Im just drained yet i can't fall asleep, im so tired till im nauseous most of the time, my migrane would be coming back anytime soon, feet killing, the stupid 'waterwerks' dysfunctioning again...

Im just full of complaints. List them out one by one and it'll never end. Just taking things at a time now. I NEED A BREAK! INDEED, THIS VERY MOMENT! Catching a movie later with KY, do hope that it would be a good one. We shall see what GSC in BP has in store for us.

Honestly, im deteriorating. Physically, functionally, psychologically, neurologically... EVERY-SYSTEM-cally... Or maybe it's known as ageing? Haha, don't dream. Nothing just happens overnight. It's time to go seek help, from my other half (if you ever understand what i mean). Seeking help from the other realm, which i actually do not believe in it the first place. Not that i do not believe in it's existance, but if it would be of any help at all! Maybe it's time to go seek 'professional' help? From those people which i happen to 'mingle' with on a daily basis? There are so many choices, which makes it even tougher to decide. Guess what? In the end of the day... I, as usual, would decide NOT to do anything about it, let it pass as if it never happened, only to haunt me once again when i flares up. Im so sick of it 'flaring up' whenever it likes to... Shouldn't it be my choice of when it should instead? WAIT & SEE POLICY? Don't worry, i won't 'DIE' so easily...

@ 1809, 26052008, just had to pass the time... DOING NOTHING, OF COURSE...

4 more to go...

Finally completed 1 in an 11 hour marathon. My butt hurts after having sitting down for so so long! It's crap doing on a topic that you hardly get the gist of it, furthermore it's on the subject that i hate most. At least its done for now...

Another to go for next week. Oncall once more tonight. I don't think i've recouperated enough since the last call, coz since then i've not been sleeping at night. Sleeping by day, how am i ever going to survive the entire next week? I'll be in prof N's ward, where we 'really' gotta cover all our beds, and she does her rounds every day! Oh gosh, there goes my opportunity of taking a break after being an entire week in the labour suite!

Im just drained for now. With the exams coming up pretty soon, yet to get the facts pumped into the thick skull of mine, time is running out!!!

@ 1426, 25052008, post portfolio marathon...

Primid's...

There's something going on with me and primid's. More of kiling two birds with one stone. Conducted an SVD in the morning, assisted in LSCS at night. Ironically, both were primid's. My feet are just killing me right now. Though totaly drained out, i can't seem to fall asleep. Im feeling as if now im the 'primid' going for a viva in 2 1/2 hrs time, and i know nuts about my patient. I just feel that this past 2 years went down the drain just like that. Not worth all the visits we paid him, all the effort we got him to see the doctor...

Been asking around how CFCS has been like, these are the responses:

1. Oh, it's just for formality purposes.
2. It's the first taste of how your exit viva would be like.
3. Everyone will surely pass, don't worry.
4. Everyone that went in Dr ??? room was giggling their way through.
5. Common, it's already pre-marked and pre-graded.
6. Nah, it's nothing la.

How i wish if it were that simple. My neurons sort of shut down almost 12 hours ago. It's all tangled up in a big mess. I can't even walk a straight line now. If i collapse on the bed, im sure to sleep throught the entire CFCS exam. I can't aforrd to take the risk. After all the effort i put in the past 2 years, it all boils down to this day...

@ 0558, 23052008, i better not be mumbling nonsense later...

Bundle of joy...

More of trouble, thorn sticking onto your flesh kind of thing. It's just day 2 of O&G, and IM REALLY SICK OF IT! I hate the whole routine of going to the labour room wee hours of the morning, hanging around like an idiot not doing a thing, then attending classes which i surely doze off in the afternoon, the not-so-looking-foward-to overnight call tomorrow, the stupid portfolios once again when i've yet to get a case...

The joy in the parents eyes when their child is born... An event in life too miraculous to be put into words. So far things have been going pretty well around the labour room these past 2 days, all SVD's (which includes abdominal CPR practically on every case) have been smooth. Most of the nurses there have been nice to us, including the doctors. Maybe im yet to meet the 'nasty' one that everyone is talking about.

I just hate this posting. I guess its just not my forte. Although the miracle of life and all, i don't seem to appreciate it all. Maybe im just drained out after the holidays. Im tired all the time, insomnic at night (hardly slept the past 2 nights, early awakenings, tossing and turning in bed...)!

@ 1332, 21052008, i just want all of these to end soon...

Another 10 weeks...

Welcome back to HELL!!! Stuck in a posting which i hate, with a super duper busy schedule the next month, another 5 more portfolios to go, yet another anticipation with 'red head' (IN PERSON) this thurs or friday, my 1st ever overnight call this thursday...

Back to reality. After living in the clouds for the entire past week. It my turn now to face the 'bullfrog'. At least this is only a 4 day week, thanks to the public holiday. And since today we are only expected to show up at 0830... Haha, which makes my lifespan in the labour room shorter!

Im so not looking foward to the life in O&G the next 5 weeks. One of the subjscts that i dislike most, but, still gotta pull through it. The 1 and only thing that im really looking foward to, is if the 'old man' shows up here in BP. The meeting would be sweet indeed! More of fun which i anticipate, with all the cracked up jokes that he makes, at everyone's expense. As long as you don't let it stab your heart, that would do.

CFCS back to haunt once more. The viva's are like in 48 hours time, and im still BLUR about whatever's going on! Honestly, i don't even know what to read up for! Had a chat with my 'partner' yesterday, and both of us are in the same pair of shoes, which we better now screw it up during the viva! Both equally blur, both no idea what to do, and to admit, both of us have NO IDEA how is Mr H doing right now! If one of us screws up, i guess the other would to, as 'teamwork' it's all about, since the very begining. This school of mine is weird, if they ever wanted it to be teamwork in the first place, why not let us choose our own partners? We definitely work better with the people which we choose, instead of them pre-allocating our partners for us. Which by the way they did a really good job out of it, as 'the pairs' were a perfect match, 'dr jackyl & mr hyde'. LOL!!!

@ 0746, 20052008... over the clouds no more...

Familiar???

Sweet smell of seremban air! I can't believe that im really typing this statement. I've missed it so so much for the past 10 weeks!!! Not the air, doink's. The environment. I've actually learned to like the IMU like setting there in sban for the past 2 years, without even realizing it! When i stepped out of my car this morning... Everything was just so familiar. The guards were as friendly as always, the cleaners were staring at me as if i was a ghost from the past or something, sister T was shocked to meet me at the elevator...

I missed eveything here, the people, the building, even the hospital. Nothing could be worse than being down south even more! Thank goodness im going to be there only for the next 10 weeks, after that, good riddence!

Managed to meet up with a few juniors along the way, much catching up to do. It seems like the teachings in sban are still yet the same, but those people are more intrested to know more about BP. I gave them a picture of 'hell' where there is nothing else to do other than stay at home and rot! Honestly, if you think sban is bad, BP is 1001% worse. The food sucks, the drivers suck, the weather suck, the imu building suck, the fascilities suck, i can't even name something good!

Hilariously, Dr Z was so intrested to know why i actually drived down all the way from KL just to get my portfolio. Repeatedly she asked me: 'Are you sure you are OK? Are you sure you do not have any further questions? You know what i mean, other than the portfolio...'

Ahem... Thanks for your concern but I AM OK. I have no idea what you have heard over the past 10 weeks, but, im FINE at the moment. If you really want to know what's wrong with me, the list is never ending. Im having a rather rough time now, coping mentally and physically. But, i think i really need a longer break. I think i deserve a longer break. Im not ready to go back to hell in 3 days time... Oh, HELP ME!!!

@ 1432, 16052008, curtesy of IMU library, sban clinical school...