Finally finally finally... SIGH

I finally got to start blogging once more, and hopefully this time shall be without any more internet disconnections! The blardy streamyx has been acting up again this past few days, and it's been just so hard to stay online continously for 1/2 hour!

Survived a TBL session with DK just now. It was not as bad as i expected it to be, as i was hoping that he would not pick on me, but there were times when we just made eye-contact and he would expect an answer from me! That sarcastic old man's sessions are really fun if you do not take his sarcasm to heart, and would just be filled with giggles and laughter...

So dreading tomorrows cp with Prof Y. He has the tendency to go on & on & on & on for 3 hours non-stop! And thanks to some selfish idiot who plans to go be a 'busybody' attending some CME, the cp only starts at 9am! Get it finished the earlier the better ma! Then i can go home and catch up in snoozieland for the afternoon class at 2pm. Now, it looks like my plans are all jumbled up once more, and no more snoozieland nap for me! By the way, the same blardy idiot will be pesenting as well, and oh god, the combination of both Prof Y and him shall be a total disaster as it might as well go on till afternoon!

Had a TOTAL BRAIN SHUTDOWN yesterday, and believe it, i slept for more than 13 hours in a 24 hour period. The quality of sleep was affected though, but at least i was able to function this morning. Went to wards a little late, was praying and hoping not to meet anyone famliar along the way, bumped into 'my mother' 1st thing in the morning while waiting for the lift! Nevermind that, bumped into her again in the wards about 1 hour later. Talk about sheer coincidence!

Was rather emotionally affected when i clerked my patient today. I know that im not supposed to be emotionally affected while in this profession, but this is one that i'll never forget. This lady in her late 50's, came in with swelling & pain of her left upper limb. Upon asking more questions, she told me that she has breast cancer and was diagnosed a year back. She was offered surgery and chemotherapy but defaulted all subsequent treatments and followups after her diagnosis. When asked why, she admitted that she was scared that her future was uncertain. The immediate question that struck me at that moment was 'did the dr in charge actually sat down and explained everything to her till she could understand the whole situation, or did he/she just tell her the diagnosis?' Nevermind that issue, then seeing her in so much pain, i decided to examine her when i saw her again tonight. But then, i had the opportunity to observe wound dressing being done on her later in the morning. I was speechless, in a state of shock after what i saw! Her left breast was practically 'excavated' out of her chest wall, leaving a HUGE cavity, oozing with blood and pus, surrounded by sludge and necrotic tissue. The wound was the size of her entire left side of her chest, extending towards her axilla and half of her back! Her entire right breast had the 'peau d orange' appearance, which extended till her right hypochondrium, epigastrium and left hypochondrium regions! She was helpless while the nurses cleaned her wound, did not complain about pain even a bit, and all she could do was put on a smile. Later she told me that she hoped that they could remove her right breast, as well as clear up the messy remains of her left breast, then start her on chemotherapy as early as possible. I really do pray that the doctor's in the ward are about to do the same thing, but when i flipped the BHT, all was written as the plan of management was wound dressing and continue antibiotics! They DID NOT even have the courtesy to tell her it's already too late!

She has so many worries in life; her husband who is currently unwell & staying alone in their 'kampung' house, her 5 children, where one of them is jobless, how long more is she going to suffer the agonizing pain and physical disabilities... It's just so sad to see someone in that state. Although i just knew her for less than 15 minutes, i felt as though i knew her a long time. When i sat down to chat with her, i felt as though i was chatting with someone i've known all my life. Though she was miserable and suffering, she did not make our conversation as such. She tired her best to be on the positive side and even offered a few smiles throughout the entire conversation...

I shall be presenting her case for CP tomorrow morning, though emotionally affected, deep down i know that she will pull-though this ordeal. There is no win or loose situation for her now. No matter what happens, she shall be considered a winner, a hero, in combating this physically mutilating and psychologically disbilitating disease!

@ Just lost my appetite for dinner... 1931, 24102007

Alive...

Survivied another dreaded cp session with DK this morning. Was full of sarcasm and sadism. Had fun actually, yet to consider of the cold sweat dripping off my forehead and drench in sweat... Kept staring at DK, and guess what? That poor old man was drenched in sweat too! Thanks to all the de-functioning brains surrounding him. This was the last CP session with him, gonna miss that old man for sure!



I've come to a conclusion that it's the time of the day that plays around with my feelings. Out of no good reason, i just blew up few seconds ago... Now i feel rather guilty after what i just did. Im so sorry, YS. I just could not control my feellings at that moment in time... That's why i always think that im a ticking timebomb waiting to explode.



Just so homesick. Not that i've not seen my family for ages... It's just a feeling that can't be put into words. The worst part is that it's only monday, a long week more to go. End of postings up next week, yet i feel as though im totally not prepared for it. I REALLY AM NOT. Everytime after each teaching session, i feel like a total idiot, a moron who does not deserve to be where i am now. Everything seems so new, but it's the stuff that im already supposed to know by now. I just don't know where to start, totally at a lost this time round.

@ HELP ME !!! 0114, 23102007

Mooooooooooody...

Back to mood swings. Happy for a second, then depressed for the next hour. Anyone out there better not tick me off this few days. Must be the hormones having its war in my mind, or is it just plain depression? If i'd refer to the DSM IV criteria to diagnose depression, i definitely fullfill it! Lets see the diagnostic criteria...

At least 5 of the following symptoms present for 2 weeks, one of which must be either depressed mood or loss of intrest :

• Mood - depressed (sounds so familiar...)
• Sleep - increased or decreased (insomnic since god know when)
• intrest - decreased (definitely, especially with exams coming up)
• guilt / worthlessness (not yet, and i hope that i will not reach this stage!)
• energy - decreased or fatigued (totally drained!)
• difficulty in concentrating or making decisions (nah, not there yet)
• appetite / weight increase or decrease (both with EXTREME REDUCTION!)
• psychomotor activity decreased or increased (reduced...)
• suicidal ideation (oh, it's a everyday norm for me, otherwise i would lead such a boring life)

So, i met 7 out of the 9 criteria. Not bad. Currently, im just not in the mood to be in a world with any other human being. I want to just shut myself out from everyone if possible. TOTALLY NO COMMUNICATION. Period.

@ Extremely moody... Don't you ever dare "step on my tail" these few days... 0121, 22102007

3 generations from earth, moon & mars

It just takes 1 whole week of living with both your parents and grandparents all under 1 roof to understand the generation gap in between. Different generations, different upbringings, different attitudes. Not being bias, but i sometimes do feel that these old people are just too much. It is one thing that you are at your golden age now, and it's time for the young guns to take over the tasks, but please, don't push it. Sometimes they are just too much, don't they ever know that we have a limit to things as well? Just because we are young is one thing, but asking for too much is something that im totally do not agree upon.

I expereinced the most unexpected the last night of my stay there. Imagine this scenario : you are in your 50's and came home at 10.30pm, and got screwed by your dad because it was 'very late' and everyone was worried! Who could accept that! Everyone has a life, including me! If you do not then it's your problem! I have my piorities in life, i have my own freedom. Not that i did not inform you where i was going (the best part was that i was volunteering somewhere!), not that this is my 1st time doing so (I go there every weekend!), and I AM ALREADY 5? years old! Its a pity that some people just fail to listen to explanations and want everything their way.

The old saying that the chinese community has a preference to the male gender is ABOSLUTELY TRUE in my family. But luckily that stopped at my generation, where both males and females are treated equal. I just fail to understand that why they are so 'into' males. Is it the testicle and penis thingy, or just because they are plain dumb? Come to think of it, it is the male gender which determines the gender of their offspring, not the females. So if you can't get a baby boy the next time, BLAME THE HUSBAND instead! Your son never came back when you needed his help. All he comes back for is your fortune, all he does is keep diggging and digging till you all go dry financially! There are so many other people out there who care for you, who take care of you on a daily basis, why not you just open your eyes wide and have a look around? It's still not too late to start appreciating whatever you have now, than keep waiting for the useless brat to turn up while releasing your temper on others...

It's impossible to change the mindset of these 'old people', but i sincerely hope that mine and future generations will not repeat the same mistakes and misfortunes in the future...

@ 1532, 21102007

Holidays.. Here I come!!!

Finally over with DK's CP. WHAT A RELIEF! Had my dose of being 'screwed' this morning. Half of the time i was just nodding my head and saying 'yes'. It's just so hard to understand his questions... He only seeks for particular word answers, which makes it even more challenging! I guess he had his 'fun' out of the whole thing. KY & I burst out laughing as usual, the other 3 were so so so freaking stressed up, put on their serious faces as if it was the 'end of the world'. What a joke! Nothing taken to heart, coz i actually agree with him 100% that the effort put in to cover our beds was his sake! Muahahaha... Another session to come right after the holidays, which shall be even more intresting, I hope. Tonnes to read up (thanks to DK), but its for our own good actually.

So anticipating to return to Ipoh for the whole Raya hols. Will be a complete holiday for me this time... No more being a chauffer... Im just going to repay my sleep debt as much as i can! I really deserve it after a long long 6 weeks of 'lousy' sleep! Glad that the house is finally ready to actually live in (complete with furniture and most importantly, the AIR CONDITIONER). No more overcrowding in granny place opposite, no more sleeping on 2 seater sofas (surely with a sore back when you get up), no more queing up just to use the bathroom... COMFORT AT LAST!!!

Leaving in bout 6 hours time, too bad the only missing thing there is the INTERNET CONNECTION! The place is so new till they do not even have fixed telephone lines yet! So i guess thats all before the hols, next post shall be when i return...

@ Finally it's here... 2043, 12102007

Insomnic, lethargic, pyretic, hyperemetic, hyperglycaemic...

Insomnic -- still WIDE awake at 3am

Lethargic -- physically drained out, been having sleepless nights for the past 1 1/ months

Pyretic -- freaggin hypothalamus acting up again, now PCM dependent

Hyperemetic -- everything that goes in surely to come out the same way it went in

Hyperglycaemic -- surviving on glucose laden drinks to maintain the required calorie intake

All of the above = ME!

An early CP comming up tomorrow with the 'world greatest surgeon', DK. It just give me the gitters seeing him walking into the wards. But when it comes to covering the bed the nights before, i would be the one who curses and swears the most! I don't see the point of covering all the beds in the wards the night before. It's not like we learn anything from that (i know that i don't), we are just doing it for the sake of doing it! What a waste of time. I'd rather be at home wasting my time doing nothing. To rub more salt to the wound is when everyone has to cover an extra 2 more beds (a total of 11 beds per person!), due to some bloody idiot who decided to take an early vacation! Grow up! It's your responsibility to do it, why not complete the task before you leave! So INCONSIDERATE! Can't wait for the next session with DK once more, to see how well you will get screwed then. Oh, revenge will be SWEET indeed!

Just can't wait for this week to end, for everything to be over by tomorrow morning. My heart and mind has already teleported to ipoh since wednesday, only the lifeless, brainless body left here to be physically present in sban. Anticipating for a relaxing, enjoyable raya holiday, then back to the hell-hole once more after that.

Decided to stay awake till after CP tomorrow, then i can sleep ALL I WANT. Not taking the risk of going to bed anytime soon, bcoz if i do, im sure to oversleep! It's almost 0330, only 3 hours to go, then can head to the wards to follow up on the patients before the CP. Will find something to do to occupy myself...

@ 0319, 12102007

Sleep, sleeping, sleepy, sleepiest...

Just noticed a particular thing about the photos posted on my blog. All the pets have 1 thing in common, in the sleeping, or sleepy state! The irony is that im having trouble sleeping myself!

@Life IS unfair!!! So wide awake now, will be on till 6 i guess... 0119, 11102007

Bz Bz Bz days...

Busy with what you may ask... That freaggin notebook that i just purchased last friday! Been to the shop 3 days in a row, but thank goodness i got my one to one exchange for absolutely free. Really my luck to get a one in a million faulty notebook. The particular one that shuts down automatically whenever it feels like...

At least for now it is all over, so not looking foward to tomorow and friday. How i do wish that it's already the Raya holidays... I really do need a break from whatever life im going through now. I need time and proper rest to recouperate from all the stresses and 'extras' in life.

Still contemplating to whether i should go for ward rounds tomorrow morning. It'll all depend on how my gut behaves when i go to bed (if i ever will). It it decides to churn and grind inside out, then bye-bye ward rounds. If its well behaved and in an ileus state (which i so wish for it to be this moment), then im gonna anticipate an exciting & enjoyable day tomorrow.

Been pyrexic since tuesday morning, surviving on PCM's (my new found friend). At least now its been resolved for the past 6 hours, hope it stays like that. Can't go on with life like that anymore. Im going to start working in less than a years time (im so dreading it!), i cant afford to always depend on my bowel to function well during the day! I'll get the boot soon enough! Will do something about it soon, shall see.

So looking foward to this whole raya hols in ipoh next week. At least i get a break from medicine for a week, especially the 'non-existent' sban life then. Mood swings are back once more, homesickness, loneliness, moodiness... The whole complete package. Just got back from home less than 8 hours, and im already missing it so so much.

@ HOLS... I REALLY NEED THEM ASAP!!!!! 0114, 11102007

* 111 *

Im not superstitious or what, but this is post number 111. It was mere a coincience that i just visited the site where the number of posted posts is stated. Apart from that, this is my first entry from my new HP notebook. Finally got one after the months long of surveying, but its known to cause problems of 'its own kind' since i started using it yesterday night. Went back to the shop in vain, but the lousy thing was 'perfectly' well behaved there...

EXTREMELY exhausted after a long weekend, then an 'old buddy' of mine decided to pay an uninvited visit today. Rather weak after all the lavages, but i think my 'sky-rocketing' adrenaline levels are keeping me alive at the moment. Shall see how long it can last!

Darn! Im just so undecided at the moment as to should i seek help or not! Its rather fustrating in a way that im in a really really bad situation now, and yet my subborness HAS NOT gotten over me yet! It's just a phase where im desperate for help and yet im not ready to get it by myself. Just can't describe the emotions im going through right this moment. Just too many possibilities. Just not ready to accept the truth. Just not physically & psychologically prepared to go through 'it' once more...

There are times when i really think that i DO NEED HELP, i've got ALL THE HELP I CAN GET, but it has been NONE as helpful so far. All because that no cause can be found, and yet im having all these problems. Come to think of it, sometimes it does make me wonder if it is really psychologically induced!

I really don'y know what to think. Even the thought of going to sleep is rather stressful (after all the unsuccessful attempts to get a good night sleep previously). I would just like to be as normal as can be, fall asleep ASAP, without any dreams if possible, so that the brain in my head can just 'take a well deserved break'!

@ tired, suffering, worries, stubborn... 0246, 09102007

He's back...

Back to the old self, of being sarcastic and getting the fun out of screwing people!!! Screwing is 1 thing, but most importantly, he teaches you 'HOW TO USE YOUR DE-FUNCTIONING BRAIN'! Though totally drained out, it was rather worth all the effort of getting up early, abusing while dragging my lifeless and brainless body to wards this morning. Gotta to visit the 'hellhole' once more tonight, to get things straighten up before tomorrow.

I was his first victim of the day...

DK : Are you all suppose to have a discussion with me today?

Me : Arh... No. I think its the other group.

DK : Then where are they?

Me : (thinking aloud... HELLO! If they are not here then must be in the other ward la! LOL!)
The other ward.

DK : U know what, I decide which in ward I want to have the discussion at, which patient I want to choose. Your friends 'informed' me that they have chosen the ward and patient already. Isn't it that you people are always like that?

Me : (Eh, pls, why pick on me so early in the morning. Their punya pasal la, nothing to do with me also, im so 'mou ku')

Before i could answer him...

DK : So, are you going to help your friends? (giving me that sinister look)

I freaked. Stunned. Did not know what to do at that time. He kept glaring at me till there was no tomorrow... Finally i answered...

Me : I will go and call my friends over here right away.

(I scooted off as fast as both my legs could take me...)

Came back 3 minutes later, then informed him that the others were on their way down. I then left to continue clerking my patient. When the others appeared, he walked towards me and ask :

DK : So, are you going to help your friends or not?

I totally had NO IDEA what was he thinking about then, it was my reflex to just keep nodding my head, and i followed him to the end of the ward... This was when the 'real' case discussion begin...

What an eye-opener to start the day! At least throughout the whole CP after that he DID NOT PICK AT ME EVEN ONCE! I guessed he just ran out of his quota for the day...)

@ Just so tired... 1730, 04102007

Another sleepless night...

I totally have no idea how am i going to go survive the ordeal of going through the super duper long day tomorrow! Skipped tbl this afternoon, luckily managed to squeeze in bout 5 hours of INTERRUPTED sleep (phone buzzing, noisy neighbours...) Yet, im physically so exhausted, but still unable to sleep!

Been online playing games the whole night. Just lost the mood to study. I AM TOTALLY DRAINED, both physically & mentally. It's just a curse, or whatever else you call it.

@ I can't go on like that... 0300, 04102007

ZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZz......

I really do wish im in this state at this moment in time...

I do think i deserve it, for real! At least once this week... Everything always comes in a neat package.

Im always in a state of either one of the following:

1. insomnic
2. busy visiting the 'throne'
3. unbearable colic

@DARN! Ward rounds in 3 1/2 hrs time, followed by CP!!! DOUBLE DARN!!! 0327, 03102007

Tired and yet...

Cant get myself to go to SLEEP! Only got 3 hours sleep in the last 24 hours. Tonight shall be another sleepless night, then gotta bare with the anticipated, super duper long CP tomorrow morning (many thanks to Prof Y). As long as i can keep both my feet on the floor in a fixed position and don't get the Romberg's test positive. That's all that matters.

Not in the mood to hit the books. Had a really really loooooong day. Started as early as 0700 (was in wards by then), library at 1130 (for the 1st time i actually stayed there and read something for 2 whole hours), CP started 1/2 hour late, and ended in 15minutes (world record!), discussion with Mr SP (i learnt a thing or two, not a total waste of time), followed by bfast, lunch, dinner in pizza hut, and now... DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OTHER THAN STARING AT THE MONITOR!

Absolutely clueless not what to do next. Tesco is closing in an hour. Too lazy to drive there. No more places to hang out after that, where 'window shopping' can be done. Gosh, im just depressed now.

I really miss...

1. Home

2. Ted's company

3. Mum's nagging (never thought that i would really miss it so much)

4. Duchess' puppy dog eyes staring at whatever you put in your mouth

5. Squeaker's incessant spinning on his wheel

6. Dad stoning in front of the idiot box

7. That's blardy neighbour that cant stop stuffing his mouth with cigarettes!!!

Argh! Basically i miss everyone and everything at home!

@how i wish today is Thursday already ! homesick... 2111, 02102007

Back to routine...

Next 4 weeks... 0730 till 1630 days... Back to old routine as in selective days. Just started surgery posting today. Feel rather glad that finally im back to the wards, clerking patients, following wardrounds, informal teachings. At least its going to be a posting that i enjoy. Despite all these, the real 'screwing' is to begin tomorrow, during CP. Im all prepared to get it, as im supposed to present the case of oesophageal ca, but yet my history is still rather incomplete and im yet to do a thorough PE on the uncle.

Back to hitting the books, digging out the long lost knowledge which was gained in sem 6. Only god knows where i've kept it. If i ever did, i think its in too safe a place till it cant be 'retrived' and 'excavated' out. I feel as though i don't remember a thing... DARN!!!

Had a long weekend, travelling most of the time. Back to Sban & insomnic as usual! Arggh! At times im just so frustrated with this stupid, out of this world sleeping habits! Im supposed to be in bed by now, as im typing this entry, my roomie of mine has floated to snoozieland. Expecting a long day tomorrow and the day after and the next day till friday! Then another 'busy travelling weekend', before yet another super duper LOOOOOONNNNGGGG next week!

@feeling light-headed due to lack of sleep, & yet still awake... APA NI??? 0224, 02102007