Pyrexic

Spiking temperatures day and night, cold peripheries, lethargy, generalized muscle ache, inappetence, pounding headache... Dosen't that sound familiar???

Argghh, i coming down with a 'god-knows-what-syndrome'. Im equally sick of paeds. Throughout the whole day, i just couldn't concentrate on whatever i was doing. Totally been under the weather for the past few days, in addition to all the stressors from the paeds SAQ this friday... Honestly, i really really hate paeds. I just can't grasp the whole concept of kids. Or, is it that i can't grasp the whole concept of medicine? Darn! Then im in the wrong profession!!!

Im just not a brain person. I hate using my brains, literally. Especially when you gotta use them to memorize stuff that you don't even understand! Why make life so complicated? If that's the problem, then just remove the cause la! As simple as that!

If i think paeds is already a pain in the ass, oh my, wait till i start int med NEXT WEEK! That's going to be much much more of a DISASTER! Im SO NOT looking foward to it at all. Dreading all the sessions that we'll be having, and guess what? We're starting with 'Princess' session on monday! It's going to be a hell of a loooooonnnnnng day. Though glad to be rid of paeds once & for all, im going to miss all the weekdays where we are off ...

@ 2201, 28112007, going to explode soon...

Dub...Dub...Dub...Dub...

The brain of mine is 'acting up' once more... Banging it's contents against it's titanium casing, stubbornly waiting to be a 'jack-in-the-box'. Im really really tired. All my adrenaline stores are currently in it's critical levels, and i guess my adrenals are just exhausted. Aching muscles & bones, non-functioning grey & white matter, but that hyperactive gut of mine decided to be 'extra-hardworking', currently doing it's job way too well... Arggghhhh...

With a reduced oral intake, i would expect the gut to be better behaved. Oh, I was so so absolutely wrong! For the past 36 hours, i've only taken 2 glasses of fresh milk, 4 pieces of 'rich tea' biscuits, 200mls of ribena, 250mls of chocolate milk, and unknown litres of water. With just that, my gut can do wonders by producing a 'non-stop' flow of waste products! During those days that i have my appetite, it would keep on churning and grinding itself inside out, till the colic at times becomes unbearable. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Im just going to make my way to snoozieland for now. No hitting the books tonight as i can barely function both physically & mentally. Let the books hit me on my head tomorrow then!

@ 2356, 26112007... TIRED...

Heaven sent...

Thanks a zillion for the angel on my shoulder this morning. I really needed it after all the s*** i've been through last weekend. Lucky to get a simple case, with a combination of the 'angel of paeds', wow, the conditions were perfect!

Freaked out after knowing that seminar was brought foward from 1430 to 1130 this morning. All because i was presenting a topic that i read up weeks ago! I totally had no clue what i presented just now, just reading it out from the slides i prepared. Prof M was kind enough to let me scoot free without any 'screwing'...

What a relief that long case is over, and the whole BP issue just fell into place. Im not going to be bothered bout any matters as such anymore, till i finally get my butt there next March. For now, im just going to enjoy my ast few days of paeds posting at home...

@ 1347, 26112007, gosh, i miss u ted...

Exams... Tests... Assesments...

3 weeks had passed with just a blink of an eye, and now, facing the dreaded long case exams once more. Argghhh, this time is paeds... Absolutely not a posting that i truely like or enjoy, but as life goes on, i still have to go through it no matter what...

Less than 8 hours to go, i really do pray that it goes smoothly, without any foul up's like what i usually do during exams. At least this time i know who my examiner is, and i really do hope that she'll be the 'angel' of paeds.

Totally exhausted after having a 'never-ending' weekend... Zillions of stuff to blog about, but right now, im just to tired to do so. Im totally drained and really need a well deserved rest. Been having lousy quality of sleep for the past week, the longest un-interrupted shut eye that i ever got was 3 HOURS! Never felt refreshed after every snoozieland session, and the fatigue keeps accumulating as time goes by. Every single muscle in my body is aching, brain spinning in a 'merry-go-round', gut tossing and twisting in my tummy, eyes in ptosis mode, just the adrenaline pumping that's keeping me alive... Im really overworking my adrenals, and they better not 'wear out' soon enough as i need them to survive through this and next semester!

@ 0029, 26112007, dead tired, but gotta face the 'lion-ess' 1st, then it's snoozieland...

Freedom of speech...

Oh, wait, the title has been 'mis-labelled'. It would be more appropriate if it is labelled as 'FREEDOM OF BLOGGING'. I just fail to understand certain people out there, why do they take to heart what other's blog about, and YES, THEY REALLY DO!!!

Received a few e-mails the other day, all asking the same IRONIC question... IS IT ME? Why should u even bother who on earth i was referring to, if you are guilty, im sure deep down you know it. Unless, you can be such 'an a**' till you 'make-believe' whatever that's non-existent!!!

If you are not happy with whatever i blog about, THEN DO NOT EVEN READ IT! I DID NOT FORCE YOU TO READ IT IN THE 1ST PLACE.. and you know what, I DID NOT ever mention to you all out there that I HAD A BLOG!!! It's u ppl that found out yourselves!!!

Whatever choice you make, i seriously DO NOT GIVE A DAMN! It's not my concern that you feel hurt or sad or dissapointed after reading from this blog, because you have the right to feel whatever you want. That being said, I ALSO HAVE THE RIGHT to BLOG WHATEVER I WANT, moreover since THIS IS MY BLOG!!!

Different people express their feeling through different channels, and for some of them, blogging is their way out of misery. Many of us who blog do so since we are non-verbal, non-communicative kind of human beings, we are those that 'live in our own world'. But, in the end of the day, this is an outlet for how we deal with our daily feelings and emotions...

Enough being said, if you get it, good for you, otherwise, i wish you all the best in 'YOUR LIFE which is FULL OF SADNESS & MISERY'...

@1311, 25112007, im so 'polyuric' till i'll be getting chronic renal failure soon...

BOO-ism

Just finished my dose of 'boo-ing' for the rest of my life. Im really going to miss that GREAT TEACHER, coz never in my life i've ever been so inspired by her teachings! Though going through the agony of a continuous 4 hour session, it was worth every second of toiling the aching body, heavy yet pyrexic brain, partial ptosis of eyelids, cold peripheries...

Arggh, going for 'idiot's' class in 15 minutes, so totally not looking foward to it. It rather be BENEFICIAL, otherwise im just going to WASTE my precious snoozieland time!

@ 1328, 23112007, im so tired...

DEADLY ASSUMPTIONS!!!

The 1 thing in life that i learnt the past few days is NOT TO ASSUME ANYTHING! If you are unsure about something, ASK! It's a fatal error to assume things that are not true, especially if the message conveyed is not meant for you...

Hey, every single post that has been published on this blog is labelled as 'readers discretion', read & interpret it 'AT YOUR OWN RISK'. Its your choice how you interpret it as, what you believe in, and NO HARD FEELINGS, as everything stated is all so general. Common, this is so there shall be suspense to be built up before we hit the climax!

For those who really think that they are the victims of 'blogging abuse', that's your problem. For privacy reasons, there were no names ever mentioned in relation to all these events that have been occuring over the past few days, with the main reason of preventing any further misunderstandings between you all out there. Last but not least, whatever that is not mentioned here shall be remained so, as my privacy shall be kept as it is...

Please, can you people out there ever give me a break? Life has not been a 'bed of roses' for the past few days, and thorns are just sprouting out from 'god knows where' continously. I have my own reasons for acting so weird recently, and i'll never be able to share it any time soon...

@ 2004, 22112007, have been 'boo-ing' the whole afternoon, to be continued tomorrow morning!

'TUMPAT'...

'Tumpat' in BM, when translated means DENSE!!! So freaking dense till sure to reach the bottom when submerged in the most dense fluid available to man. It's just a metaphorically, sugar coated statement.

Don't you people out there get the message? Im just so fed up with life at this moment. People seem not to listen to ME, but insistingly want things to go their way. It's just so so irritating and impossible to live with them! Common, give me a break! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

It was seriously a waste of time today in wards. Poor Porf B started bleeding in her eye right before CP, hence she had to attend to that 1st! Then the next seminar was cancled (coz it was supose to be conducted by her as well!). At least the Grand Ward Round will still be as scheduled whether she turns up or not. Followed by bed-clerking tonight so that i'll be prepared to face Prof B tomorrow morning...

@ 1255, 22112007, What a life once i return to the 'HELLHOLE'...

SPLURGE......

Had a BLAST with wk today. Hey gal, thanks a zillion for your company. You really lifted up my spirits today. While we were 'drooling' over the stuff that pyramid had to over, i really enjoyed all the nonsensical conversations that we had throughout.

Finally got the watch that i've been feasting my eyes on for the past few weeks. Got it at a good bargain actually, for rm299. Ironically, there were 2 watch shops opposite each other, one offereing insanely for RM379, the other for RM299. Both the watches were IDENTICAL! This shall be the 1st and last time that i actually spend on myself at such an exorbident figure! That's the item im gonna really 'treasure' for the next 10 years. While purchasing it, we even jokingly said that it's today that i spend a bomb on this watch, and 10 years from now it shall be my BMW. Oh, who knows?

After insanely spending RM299 on a watch, i spent another RM100 on a pair of 'marks & spencer' jeans! Oh my, this perfect pair that i ever got. Love at 1st try, perfect cutting, perfect fit and even perfect length! The temptations were just too great to resist. In the end, instead of getting christmas presents for everyone else, i unconsiously spent RM400 in less than 1 hour!!!

At least i had some good news from sban today. The 24 y/o idiot finally got the namelist sorted out without my help and my clinical paeds exams will be on Monday morning, which means that after the exam i shall disappear throughout the whole week till the SAQ paper on friday! Muahaha, better be done with it as early as possible, rather than keep dragging it till last minute on friday!!! Just received more superb news from ys just now, regarding something with this mon's exam! Oh, nothing gets better than this!!!

@ 1948, 21112007, At least im still at home...

Titanium skulls...

Some people out there are just so so stuborn!!! Their skulls are just so freaggin thick till the most powerful electrical drill can't put a hole through it! How many hundred and thousand times do i have to repeat myself???

I hate people who keep going on and on and on and on about something till they are satisfied, at the same time irritating others. You have the satisfaction out of it, but how about the other party? Have you ever thought of their feelings throughout the whole inident? NO! All you care about is just yourself! SELFISH IDIOT!!!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! I'VE HAD IT!!! From now on, im not going to be bothered on whatever's going on anymore!!!

@ 0059, 21112007, PISSED... TOTALLY...

Deep thoughts...

These are the times that im just so so lazy, just to even pick up the 'sunflower book' and start digesting it's contents... I'd rather blog, though i've nothing to write about. Oh wait...

Im overwhelmed by frustrations and irritability... A feeling that has been buried in me for the past weeks, since i started sem 9. But it chooses now to show it's true colours, at least it's still not too late before i explode. I rank as high as 9 on the ritcher scale, any more percipitating factors will have me crossing the 10 mark, that time, there shall be no more tempers to control, no more silence as if nothing is going on, no more being 'goodie-goodie' to everyone out there. Just be patient, you shall see my TRUE COLOURS soon enough if i keep going on like that.

One thing that i really gotta thank is that home is only 45 minutes away from the 'hellhole', which means that i still can afford to retrun whenever i want. When i end up in BP from next March onwards, it's really going to be a BUMPY road for me. Not wanting to face it, but it shall pass. Loking at the bright side, it's only for 6 months, then i'll be posted to 'god knows where' in Msia...

Many times that i feel as if im running from reality, which happens to be absolutely true! Most of the time im in a world of my own, i don't give a damn to whatever's happening around me. Go ahead and kill yourself, I DON'T CARE! Why should i in the 1st place, and why do you all out there bother me???

There are different ppl out there, some who are sincere, many more who are fakes. We meet diffrent ppl with different attitudes throughout our life, but, there are only the handful that are sincere, those who are worthy of being called a 'friend', those who are earn a special place in your heart...

Even the thought to returning to the 'hellhole' tomorrow kills! For what? Just because some 24 year old idiot can't even get a namelist sorted out! Looks like tomorrow night shall be as depressing as it can be, and nothing beats that!!!

@2130, 20112007, not sick of blogging yet...

Freeze.....

How i wish that time would just come to a stanstill immediately. It's already 4pm and today is going to end soon. Not wanting the day to end, but yet i am looking foward towards my meeting with someone special tomorrow...

Though it's impossible for this to happen, all i can do is just take each step as it comes along the way, spend every minute as if it's my last here. I lead a life of neverending excitements, but, after the call just now it all came to a freeze. It made me think of how valueble life it, how important it is to make full use of every moment in time that you have, appreciate every second in life. Was in the dumps earlier today, but just an act of kindness makes a difference. Just a single phone call from a loved one... Ironic, isn't?

Still far of being whoever i used to be, i really IN NEED of...

1. A BREAK from everything that's going on now

2. being away from the 'hellhole' as long as possible (which is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE now till christmas hols!!!)

3. getting my gut to be in standstill forever

4. re-setting the thermostat in my brain

5. spending more quality time with my parents & grandparents

6. more than 24 hrs a day

7. more time in snoozieland

8. EXORBIDENT amounts of NEURONES to get me through next weeks exams

9. & NEVER forgetting, a HUGE BEARHUG from anyone out there who is willing to give it sincerely...

@1631, 20112007, another post yet to come as long as im connected...

Beep beeep, beep beep... ARGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

It's extremely frustrating when your phone starts beeping at the wrong time of the day, especially when it is a text message by the WRONG PERSON!!! A wild guess that now everyone out there are cursing their lungs out at me, as i've not been replying any of the text messages that i've received in the past 12 hours! Call me whatever names you want, but at this moment in time, i'd care less whatever is going on in your lives !!!

I guess it all boils down to me being the idiot who keeps my phone switched on for 24 hours of the day. HEY! I DO HAVE A LIFE TO LEAD YOU KNOW??? There are IMPORTANT MESSAGES that im expecting to receive, NOT those of PETTY ISSUES that were created by MORONS FOR MORONS!

Im just NOT IN THE MOOD to talk to ANYONE at this moment! It's really tough to keep track of what is going on around you, and yet, you got tonnes of problems that are still left hanging in the air waiting to be resolved! Everything seems to be piling up on each other, and soon, the problem list will REACH THE MOON!

Currently, i can't be bothered by whatever's happening around me. I've got better things to worry about, quality time to be spent solving MORE IMPORTANT MATTERS, more time for myself, work to be done...

So, if i happen not to reply to your text, i hope you get THE MESSAGE!!!

@1424, 20112007... LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Irritability...

This is the state where you would not ever want to 'rub more salt' into the 'slow healing wound'. Currently, im at the verge of explosion, just waiting for the perfect time and person to blow my 'hat' off! Im rather thankful that im back home in KL now, not facing idiots who give lame excuses for stupid issues, which was not an issue until it is brought up due to sheer stupidity and 'over-using' your BRAIN!

The next 2 days shall be in 'sloooooow-motion', spent lazing around at home, not doing a single thing, just ted & I. I really earned this well-deserved break after experiencing 'stupidities' in sban. Im just totally SICK OF IT! SICK OF EVERYTHING and EVERYONE there! Oh, come on, if you happen to be reading this post, don't take anything to heart! If you really do, then too bad, you gonna a 'sad' and 'miserable' person all your life! SELF PITY, that's all i can say!

It's purely my luck that all these issues seem to be popping up at the WRONG TIME OF THE MONTH!

1. Paeds exams next week (totally not prepared!)
2. spiking temperatures all day long
3. my drug dealer is missing
4. totally dependent on lomotil & meteospasmyl
5. facing idiots on thurs again...

@ 2211, 19112007... ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

'Grandfather' standards...

The standards here seem to be the same no matter how well you do in your exams, as long as you get a 'grandfather' as your examiner. Mind you that they are from the 'extrodinary' realms of the universe, endless achivements in their lifetime which earned them this title. Sadly but true, nowdays you can even purchase the title with cash, like buying junkfood off the shelf in supermarkets! Needless to say, i sincerely think those that take us for exams are to be respected for whatever achievements that they have contributed to fellow mankind.

Anyway, last postings results were out today & i am actually satisfied and contented with whatever achievements that i got. At least i made it through in a single piece, and this time round there is no crying over spilt milk. I really have to thank my lucky angel sitting on my shoulder this time. Barely studied throughout the whole posting, spent the last 2 crucial weeks nursing my tummy either on the throne or in bed, the last 48 hours before exams totally bedbound... Getting the thrill of my life when i had the 'grandfather' of surgery as my long case examiner, IT WAS A TOTAL DISASTER!!!

Pulled through this time, better do next time as well. Paeds exams are only 2 weeks away, and i know nuts bout EVERYTHING in this posting. Struggling through the basic stuff, im not even anywhere near of being a final year student! DARN, it's not going to the easy this time round, and yet the lazy bug has infected me yet once again!

Insomnia has struck once more, this time from bad to worse. I'd try to go to bed by 4am, but wil just lie there tossing & turning till 6am. The worse is when im in deep sleep, my alarm will start buzzing! So totally lethergic as i gotta drag the mindless body to wards for CP's. When i do get any chance to catch a nap in the afternoons or evening, for sure my phone will start ringing or buzzing with messages! Is this a curse that has to be lifted or what???

Looking on the bright side, it's friday once more and i'll be home in less than 10 hours time. The, i can REPAY ALL MY SLEEP DEBTS! It's rather amazing that no one actually bothers to call or text me during the weekends, and THANK GOODNESS for that!!!

@ 0238, 16112007, pyrexic @ 38.50C for the past 14 hours...

Watery Sh*t...

Being frank, whatever im about to post here from now onwards shall not be for the faint hearted, especially for those of you who might just puke after reading this post...

Been to the loo 3x in the past 20 minutes, passing out generous amounts of copious, mucous laden, pus filled fluids, via the asss hole! DARN, this is a new record created, and thanks to the 'sour & spicy' soup that i had earlier today in the CRS... Someone there must have 'drug' me with laxatives this time for real...

This time round is much much worse than those long term episodes that i've been having for the past year. It's worse much worse than haematochezia, as if im peeing from my anus!

Arrrrgggghhhh... Tummy growling, grumbling & churning my guts inside out...

@2019, 14112007

Yum Yum...

Been really really lazy lately, still not awake from my dream in snoozieland for almost 2 weeks now. Most of the time i have no idea what's going through my mind. Stoning during CP sessions, the rest of the time spent procrastinating at home. Im just not in the mood to study, and the only freaking thing i know about paeds is on the respi system! (all thanks to Prof B coz i was to prepare a TBL on it) Tonnes and tonnes of topics waiting to be read up, god knows how much i do not know!

Recently addicted to Big-apple donuts. Had 4 last tuesday, 4 yesterday, planning to get more later! I've been a donut fan since young, just that i always went for the normal sugary coated one's that you can get from the bakery. This time round is something different, coz it comes in a variety of frostings that you can choose from. Yummmmm.

Found a place that serves palatable and digestable porridge this afternoon, at least i have a place to go to now when im in the craving for that. No matter what, nothing beats mum's chicken porridge at home! Beggars can't be choosers, as long as it taste's alright, it's fine with me.

Gotta go cover wards tonight, having a session with prof B tomorrow morning. Looking on the right side, i only have 2 BEDS!!! Muahahaha, just pray that the cases there are not complicated till i gotta crack my head!

@ 1425, 13112007, lazing around at home... Thank goodness no classes this afternoon...

Kids...

Survived another day of paeds, spent only 1 hour in wards just now, with the mission of finding a respi case for tomorrows presentation. Surprisingly, the 'witch' of the posting turned out to a a 'fairy god-mother' of paeds instead. At least the TBL session this morning was full of humour, sarcasm, but not the kind that would be taken to heart. She's just being frank, and 101% right when she stated that we do not know how to use our common sense.

Bad news for this thurs grand ward round, as 'that idiot' would be taking us instead of 'fairy god-mother'. Arghh, even the thought of it kills my intrest in learning! Im so so not looking fowards to it. The schedule this week is pretty lax, which means i still get to go and enjoy life as usual, as if there are intresting places here in sban...

Dreading another day tomorrow, case presentation in the wee hours of the morning, then gotta read up for wed's seminar & TBL, covering wards at night... The main thing is that i gotta go hunt my mum tomorrow... So dreading it...

Currently, im just so so lazy, not wanting to prepare for tomorrows presentation, not in the mood to read up on nephrotic synd and congenital heart disease, i just dont want tonight to end, but it's just getting late, and i've gotta start lifting my butt up and take a BATH!!! My roomie has been complaining that im pyrexic once again, but my peripheries are just stone cold!

@ 2323, 12112007, laaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyy.............

The 'other' world...

The existence of 'another world' out there has baffled scientist for decades, since the whole issue came up. What i mean is not another planet, or another universe out there. Im referring the the places known as 'heaven' & 'hell'... Or is there such a place???

The past weekend has be spiritually challenging. Born to a family that believes in prayers, the existence of heaven and hell, death as a taboo... My mind is exhausted... Currently, Im just in total shutdown mode.

The next few weeks is going to be a rough ride, for everyone in my family. I know it's not easy to loose a very loved one, especially when you already know that it's going to happen, but, i think that we have to accept it when the time comes. The worst part for me is that we know that it's going to happen soon, but the agony of waiting for the time to come is the part that kills.

Phases of grieve:

1. Shock
2. Denial
3. Bargaining
4. Guilt
5. Anger
6. Depression

It makes me sad to see my loved one is going through these phases. It's as though she has lost EVERYTHING in life, no purpose anymore, she just can't think straight... Most of all, i really wonder what is going to happen when the time comes, what would her final reaction be. I feel that i play a very important role to whatever is going on now, but at the same time im clueless on what im suppose to do and how to react. All i did the whole weekend was consolling her, telling her that she should be prepared mentally for it to come, all you can do now is just to spend more valueble time with her, that everyone dies eventually, let mother nature takes its cause.

The ironic part is that when a person is alive, you hate him or her so much, you hardly see him/her, you never appreciated the time spent together and the moments in life... When the person is about to pass on, you grab all the opportunities possible to spend with the person, you basks the person in 24 hr attention... Isn't that a really sad and dissapointing thing?

The thought of DEATH has always crossed my mind. I feel that im mentally prepared to face it when the time comes. Being clastraphobic and having the phobia of coffins (really, it's the box that freaks me out!), i've always wanted my body to be donated to the body farm (there's only 1 to date and it's in the US), so that i will not have to be either boxed up 6 feet under or be in the form of ashes. Despite all these 'fancy' plans, i think that in the end of the day i will be cremated like everyone else for the convenience of all. I am a strong believe in re-incarnation, where i will be reborn in the form of either of a human being once more, or as another lifeform. When the time comes, i should be ready to go without any regrets in all my actions, without any enemies, a totally 'clean' person...

But for now, the most important thing is that everyone should just 'hang in there' pretty thight to each other, letting go when the time comes, accepting whatever that comes along. Life''s tough and full of surprises, but it's how the mind and soul accepts it that counts.

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." - Abraham Lincon

@ 1426, 12112007, totally drained after a long weekend...

Paeds... D3...

Managed to pull through another day of paeds without any scarring... The de-moralising factor still is present, but i do feel much better now after a session with Dr L. Tried his very best to make paeds as intresting as possible, and i certainly do feel that is this kind of encouragement that i need badly.

Floated into wards at 9 this morning. Guess who was there to greet me as i walked in? Haha, that blardy idiot that i hate most. He was taking the juniors for bedside teaching, and smirked at me as i walked towards the cubicle. Would have avoided him if i saw him (he's really short, and looks exactly like one of us!), among all the white coats and crowd, he was barely visible! Nevermind that, ignored him and went on to see my patient, and i cooly left all my stuff on one of the tables. Later did i realize that he brought all the juniors there to have a sit and continue their discussion! DARN! I realy needed my notes then, put on my thick face and went there to pick up my stuff. Oh, he had another chance to show me that 'smirk' again! GROW UP! Got so fed-up where i grabbed my stuff and left. Dahlah i bencikan engkau, lagi want to rub salt into the wound! Real IDIOTIC!

Guess what? Im now back home in KL, also thanks to him! He decided to postpone this friday's session to the week after next! Darn, I was really dissapointed then, bcoz i wanted it to end as soon as possible. Looks like there would be another HORRENDOUS session in week 3 comming up!

My blog is soon to be a paeds diary... Somehow or rather i feel that it's dissapointing. But, you'll never know, there might be a 'dash' of excitement once a while, especially when it is least expected.

@ Finally end of the weekdays... 1852, 07112007

De-motivation...

MEAN... TOTALLY... That's all i can describe Dr. C... The one and only suitable word to perfectly describe him... Gosh, i do REALLY REALLY HATE paeds. After this afternoon's CP with him, i came home so de-moralized, in the dumps... Really am wondering HOW ON EARTH am i going to survive through the next 3 weeks...

So not looking fowards to the next session with him this coming friday. At least after that im Dr C free for the rest of my posting in paeds! Hooray, can't wait for that to happen. Another super duper long afternoon up tomorrow. TBL followed by CP by the same Dr. L, really wonder how he's gonna be like. He better be a kind soul tomorrow, as i am presenting the long case to him, and im like SO NOT prepared.

The bright side about this week is that this Thursday IS A PUBLIC HOLIDAY... Thanks to our hindu friends who will be celebrating the Festival of Lights. That's the only good thing about staying in this country, where there are multiple races with multiple celebrative festivals, which indirectly means multiple public holidays!!! YIPPEE!!!

@ Arggghhh, a case write-up waiting to be done... Im just so so lazy... 0033, 07112007

Just not me...

A sense of weirdness all surrounds me. Im just not feeling right. It's those days where you wake up with a sense of 'deja vu'. Hard to describe, it's something that you've gotta go through to actually know how it feels like...

In the end of the day, it all comes to 1 conclusion... LAZINESS... nothing else. I AM JUST SO FREAKING LAZY. Not in a mood to study, not in the mood to prepare for TBL, not even in the mood to think about paeds. This actually reflects how much I HATE PAEDS. Im giving myself 1oo1 excuses not to open the neonatology book, i.e. lavaging-lah, tummy-ache-lah, stomach empty-lah...

A looooooooong day ahead tomorrow, session with Dr C, so not looking foward to it.

@ Just feel weird... Arggghhh... 0043, 06112007

Noenates, children, aldolescents...

It's the 1st day of paeds, and yet time well spent blogging at home at this moment. The thought of going to the 'war zone' just kills the intrest of the topic itself. At least the A.K.A 'witch' sounded rather enthusiastic in teaching, which is a good sign. Hope that will be enough to let me survive through these next 4 weeks. Another end of posting up in the begining of week 4, this time it wont be such a breeze anymore. Im not in my confort zone, it's CRITICAL!!!

Back from the weekend, not fully regenerated yet. Decided to put the lomotil on hold today, BAD IDEA!!! The lavages just came pouring out as usual, a burst water tap. AIR PULA TAK ADE!!! What's this stupid place sban up to???

I totally have no idea how to survive through this week, NO WATER, NO MORE SURGERY POSTING, NO MORE PROCRASTINATING... Oh dear.

Have to go see 'my mother' this afternoon, otherwise i've to be answerable to my REAL mum back home later today! Im so dreading the phone call for an appoinment and the real meeting itself. Should i give her my bubbly self or the half dead look when i see her? What will she think of the idiot that cause her to 'loose' her 'unbeatable' reputation? The 1st ever idiot that she can't find a diagnosis? I just do not have a good impression of her, that's all. Honestly speaking, i don't feel comfortable even by looking at her, let alone the conversation! It just makes me feel that there is a vast distance between the doctor-patient relationship, the bedside manners is totally NIL. Nevertheless, she's the BEST OF THE BEST in this field, & I should feel lucky instead of all these mindless matters... It's not that simple just to get an appoinment to see her, and im surely to get one by just picking up the phone to call her. Im gonna pull myself together and face the truth when the time comes, there's no where to escape now after putting myself in my own grave...

@ tummy grumbling, tossing & turning... what did i do to deserve this... 1300, 05112007

Little Wonders...

Have been in the dumps the whole week, but there's someone out there who needs this more than i do... If you happen to be reading this, i hope it makes your day...

The time of my life...

It's just 15 minutes, that's all it takes to have a great impact on my life! ... It was purely unforgettable, the moment in time that i faced him, spoke to him, the look on his face, the amusement he got from me, the dissapoinment in his face when i screwed up between ANTERIOR RESECTION AND HARTMANN"S PROCEDURE! I'll never forget those 2! The encounter with the 'greatest' surgeon ever. Time froze as both of us stood face to face, one questioning professionally & the other gagging away like an idiot. It's not that i do not know my stuff, it just could not get out from my mouth. By the time he reached the anatomy of the rectum, i was exhausted, the churning and grinding tummy, the room spinning around, the lightheadedness... I was at the verge of collapsing. He was rather kind in a way, but i do hope that he does not judge me based on my performance today. It's just not my day, the case was simple enough (colorectal carcinoma), diagnosis was even given by the patient's relative (my 1st shock was when the daughter-in-law gave me a totally different history), given limited time, Mr S was really a complicated man with complicated medical conditions!!! His history was 'rojak' (or to say the history that i took was as so), was only formulating the chief complain when he came to start the questioning! Palpitations, cold sweat, lightheadedness, colic, SOB... It all came at once. I was so stressed out till i couldn't think straight!

Argggghhhh...... Im just so frustrated at the moment. I don't think that i performed the best of my abilities. I could have done better. Im so dissapointed with myself. Another paper up this afternoon, at least this time i do not have to face anyone, it's just me and the paper, that's all. The best part of that is only the eaminer who marks the sripts will know what i have written in it!

@ 1005, 02112007

Progression vs deterioration

Progression...

1. Time - it really does fly... done with surgery and starting paeds soon... DARN!

2. Diarrhoea -> mild -> moderate -> bad -> still bareable -> worst ever -> desperate for help!

3. Weight - progressively reducing... all the ppl out there do wish you keep losing the pounds, but that does not apply to me!

4. Responsibilities - the older you get, the more stuff you are held responsible for, even stuff that you never heard of before!

5. Expectations - the longer the time you spent in med school, the more mature & knowledgeble they expect you to be...

Deterioration...

1. Brain actvity - the lifespan of the neurones in my brain seeminlgy gets shorter and shorter nearing exams

2. Energy level - spent the past 46 hours in bed! The rest was on the throne... WHAT A LIFE!

3. Appetite - totally lost the intrest in eating these few days... the cravings seem to come the wrong time of the day (i.e. midnight)!

4. Blogging - gradual reduction in blogging frequencies these past week... Haven't been well, the other issue is the stupid connection which gets me so frustrated!

This is a summary of what that has been going on for the past 4 days... Everything and everyone around me seems to be progressing, or is it me who is deteriorating???

Down to the last few hours before surgery end of postings, finally had the strength to get out of bed. Praying hard that it all goes well tomorrow with a 'kind' examiner and a 'well behaved' bowel.

IM JUST BORED & HOMESICK!!! I can't wait to get home tomorrow. It's been a long and intresting week... from paying an unexpected visit to 'my mother' , to the A&E learing a lesson the hard way, and the finale of exams tomorrow! It's just hours before exams, im supposed to be drowing in my surgery textbooks, loading up as much info as i can, swallowing and absorbing every possible page of Bailey's... But look what im doing now, sitting in front of the notebook, typing this entry... As im doing this, my roomate is 'chanting' her way through 'ten teachers for gynae'. At least someone is still in the mood of studying, but too bad that it does not rub on me!

This is the time when im just so restless... frustrated... no use doing anything... i've just given up... A few more hours to go... mind and soul just not in the body anymore... not in the mood of doing anything... it's the time that i hate most... the waiting period... the feeling of my soul out of my body, wondering around aimlessly... no place to go... no meaning to go on in life...

@ 1830, 01112007