Counting down...

It not going for the exam that suck, its the waiting which sucks most. Im getting pretty impatient nowdays, which small matters would just flare me up in seconds. Nothing is improving though im back home, and i've been the moodiest since. I seem to be on the downside of things these few days, entire GIT inflammed, from the incisors till the anus, gut being ill-behaved as ever, tummy growling and grunting, churning inside out, cerebral vessels at the verge of rupturing... Im as lethagic as ever, at least im able to get proper shut-eye at home, that's the benefit.

I honestly have no idea how am i going to pull through next monday, and come out alive. It would take a miracle for it to happen. You'll never know, as miracles do happen. I've survived through times comparable to this, but, no matter what, this is the ULTIMATE PINNACLE, one and only chance to REDEEM myself, after being a nuisance down south for the past months!

@ 31072008, 1129, welcome, AUGUST...

24, yet still at home...

This is exactly where the countdown begins. I've less than 6 days to pump in whatever i can into my brain, yet, im just so so lazy to do so. And it's today that im 24, which really sucks because im getting older on the outside, but, inside i im just a mere 4 year old.

Been home for the past 4 days. Guess what i've been doing? Haha. In snoozieland most of the time. Im down with a really bad bout of URTI, the first ever so severe that kept me in bed continously for 48 hours.

Im just not in the mood to study anymore. I just want everything to be over as soon as possible. I've yet to start reading. Looks like the 5 days that i calculated earlier, its down to 3 days. I don;t know what i've been doing. I guess im just going to walk in there on monday morning, blabber my way through, and just pray extremelt hard that i'll pass...

@ 1235, 20072008... IM LAZY LAZY LAZY...

Almost there...

Im almost at the finishing line after toiling so so 'hard' for the past 5 years. At least im sort of 30% nearer, can smell the air of sweet success, but tis so near yet so far. Now, it all depends on how fast of slow time flies.

Finally completed the 200++ paged portfolios, submitted. At least that would be my least worries about beating the dateline for now. Its time to 'dig into the books', which i've yet to begun. Lets see here, i've got 6 postings to cover, i have like 5 days? (after deleting the travelling days, the proscratination hours, the hours spent on ted). SHARKS! How on earth can i ever finish filling up this 'resonant' brain of mine? I am in need of more time!

Oh whatever. Whatever comes, whatever may. Now the long case is entirely dependent on my 'luck' on Monday morning. This time round, im only given ONE chance. If i ever wanna screw it up, it better not be that faithful day...

@ 1009, 24072008... tired yet awake... DISASTER!!!

Surgeons vs Physicians

What would you do when you get a surgeon who 'thinks outside the box', and a physician whose brain works like a 'intel centrino core 2 duo processor'?

A MEDICAL STUDENT WHO IS GETTING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN AND GOING NUTS!!!

That's exactly what im going through now. Now, for once, i don't care whether i get a 'medical' or 'surgical' case for the upcoming final long case. Because??? IT DOSEN'T MATTER! No matter what i get, this blardy portfolio of mine will definitely be the topic for discussion, as it has both medical and surgical components. The best part is that the surgeons and physicians opinions are at 'loggerheads', and i can't decide who's opinion to follow. In the end of the day, ITS JUST A DIAGNOSIS, and THE MANAGEMENT IS IRONICALLY STILL THE SAME!

Im at the 'crossroad' now. I don't know who to follow. Which ever path i take, all i can do when the time comes is defend myself, and the is no one there to help me. I'd better have a blardy good reason for the decision i made, be it to the surgeons or physicians. Imagine me in the viva room, with BOTH the 'loggerheads' that gave me their different views... HAHA! That's the worst case scenario!!!

@ 2020, 23072008... I think too much... Better get my snoozieland nap...

Final 'HIGH'...

Currently experiencing my last dose of 'euphoria' in medical school. Finally got all the signatures needed to complete the logbook, and a pretty excellent way to end sem 10. Nothing near to how it started, when i got my went through the first logbook assessment... Started with a 'satisfactory', ended with an 'excellent'. Who could ask for more than that!

This would be my last 'high' moment here down south, as the next 2 days shall be drowned in portfolios, portfolios and more portfolios. Life has been pretty sick these few days, and i've yet to start studying. Everyone around me seems so stressed out, from studies i presume, yet, im still the jovial, happy but tired looking kinda soul, haunting the wards, clinic and scope room. It's not entirely my fault that im tired all the time, blame it on the drug side effects and the uncontrollable lavages that i have every single night. All i need now is a good good rest once this week is over. I can't wait for friday, when everything is settled, and i can crawl my way back home...

@ 1906, 22072008, another 3 days...

The end of med school...

It feels as though i just stepped into med school yesterday. Oh, OK, 1 year ago maybe. 5 years have passed and im down to my last 4 days of med school. For now, i guess everything is over, all the end of posting exams, end of sem exams, portfolio assessments, ward work... The only thing left now is for portfolio submission... then exit viva... That's all up on the agenda for the next 2 weeks.

I had my final portfolio assessment just now, went in with a 'blank' mind', at least i learnt a thing or two when i came out. 1 thing that i learnt was that 'NEVER BEAT AROUND THE BUSH' when answering questions. Just SPIT IT OUT! If you don't know, admit it. Don't pretend to, then irritate the examiner. With this, it would very well be applied to me, as i am the kind that would just spit things out 'into your face' kindda person. Sorry for those 'future politicians' who can't do so. Muahaha.

Having my joys and sorrows while going to leave med school, i really wonder if i could survive being thrown out there, all alone in this cruel world. I guess life ain't like what we see on the surface on a daily basis. People are nasty most of the time, and not everyone can be trusted. Nevertheless, it's part of learning to be who you are, thus there's no escape to it.

Another briefing tomorrow, with our beloved ... I do hope this is the last. And no more after this. It has been a 'great' 5 month stay here down south. I've met all sorts of people down here, from all walks of life. The nasty, the fake, the good, and even the best at whatever they do. I shall not name names, to prevent trouble from surfacing soon anytime. No matter how they had treated me, lots of life-long lessons have been learnt, especially life is more complicated than i once thought. I can't wait for it all to end, to begin a life a fresh, as me myself...

@1815, 21072008... too soon, before you know it...

WHALE of a time...

I've never spent my weekends here to luvrutively. It's either a drive down to Melaka, or back to KL, or just stoning in my room entirely. Thanks to WJ, who decided to come to pay me a visit, I had a blast, and is continuing to have it now as well!

Spent time catching up on each other, our just our usual selves talking nonsense which only we are able to understand. And, it's just food, food and more food. Been having my BD meals (what a great accomplishment, haha), then, had our splurge on rambutans, with more to come tonight's dinner and tomorrow's lunch!

Ask me about it, the wonder drug has given up it's role in the gut. Im back to lomotil once more, which also seems NOT TO WORK at all! Gosh, i am indeed in deep shit now, if it still decides to pour out like that. I can't go on like that for the entire of next 2 weeks. I just renegerated from bed, after a 3 hour disturbed sleep. But then... Im back to my usual self now, after having a 'wonderful' 1st 2 days...

@ 1850, 20072008... I need another wonder drug...

Dead in bed...

This was the most luxurious sleep that i ever had in years! After being drugged, i slept like a 'baby' all night yesterday. Waking up drowsy, decided to take a day off, only to be interupted by 'some balrdy idiot' who calls at 0730 in the morning, just to ask which bed is whose! After that i get a wake up call at bout 0900, asking if im in the wards, then yet another at 1000++. What the hell??? Its always the day that i decided to pamper myself on my bed is the day that i get all these phone calls! I finally drove myself to wake up at about 1100, replied my emails, then went on snoozing till 1415! When the side effects of a drug is stated as lethargy, TRUST IT! Lethargy till TAK TERBANGUN-BANGUN! I could hardly function the whole day, in and out of consciousness, until late afternoon. This better not go on like that for the whole of next week, otherwise i'll never get things done...

Its amazing sometimes that just a small thing would produce such a large effect. Im super duperly euphoric this moment, definitely not in the depressive phase now. I guess that it would work wonders if im depressed, but, even without it, i've been rather happy these few days. Maybe it's due to the fact that im leaving this 'dump' soon, and going home for good. Im down to my last 5 days of being a 'medical student', then, it shall be a whole new world out there. I've yet to decide what im going to do in the future. I've not applied for a job locally, maybe i shall just laze at home all day long before deciding what to do with my life. I need a break from everything, including medicine. Though it's a field that i do enjoy doing on a daily basis, after these 5 years, i think i need a well deserved break. After all i've gone through, i need some time for myself...

@ 2235, 18072008, super 'high' & the weekend is here...

Killing 2 birds with a stone...

I sincerely pray that it's true. First time ever, when i went to pay this 'professional' an official visit, i was honest. I poured out everything, whatever im taking, whatever i've been taking, whatever problems i had. It just had to come out. Don't know why. Though it sounds funny, i was given something different this time, and hope that i'll work not for only 1 problem, but both simultaneously.

After pouring out the history and all, i guess that he's thinking along the lines of TB. But, never went depth into it though. This drug of choice was so that i could cut down on my lomotil dependence, but its side effect is unacceptable... LETHARGY... OMG. Im already tired enough all day long, with this side effet, i'd rather just DIE IN BED! It's suicide. But, if it really works, it'll do wonders...

Two sides of the coin, which should i choose? I'll have till tonight to make up my choice. It would be a god-sent if it does work for both problems, but, taking the side effect into consideration... I can't afford to sleep all day long, especially during crucial moments like these 2 coming weeks...

@ 1639, 170708... Decisions, decisions... what am i going to do???

Im done...

Yay! I've finally completed my last and final portfolio. Ironically my favourite most posting, and the shortest ever that i've typed out! I don't give a damn anymore. As long as it is all done now, its time to begin on the corrections and reading through the others. Gosh, im just so so lazy to even begin.

I think i deserve a good treat tonight, the problem is that i have no clue where to get it, when im stuck that this lousy place. I'll never know what i'll do. For all you know, i might even end up driving back to KL altogether. Im mising home so so much, though i just went back last weekend. It's the stress building up, the stress of completing all these before the dateline, the stress of thinking about shifting home, the stress about every single thing that occurs in my life. I am in need to be in my comfort zone.

Final long case is in 2 weeks time, and everyone around seems to be 'studying'! I am the only person alive still procrastinating all day long, yet to touch any of my books. By the way, what is there to study? Oh, psychiatry maybe. But other than that, internal medicine itself is so wide, and we can get anything under the sun, be it common or rare. I just don't see the point in doing so. When the time comes, it all boils down to what i've learnt for the past 5 years, that's it. I don't think that some last minute brain cramming sessions would help.

I guess everyone else around me do not think so. When everyone is so stressed up about studying, i am stressed up about procrastinating! Muahaha, maybe that's just how the complicated brain of mine works...

@ 1257, 17072008... it could be pizza tonight, and cartoons for sure... i deserve this break...

Learn...

Though 'zonked', i can't stop wondering how are you getting along right now. I've been through there, trust me, it ain't a simple journey. Life is all about learning, learning and learning. That's it. In the end of the day, that's what which makes you a better person...

You've gotta learn to...

1. fight for your right

2. stand up for what's right

3. give and take

4. communicate

5. share

6. avoid when necessary

7. face the truth when the time comes

and never forgetting,

8. BE ALONE.

Easy to say, but really tough when you go through it. At times it is indeed lonely, no matter what, there is surely a silver lining in every black cloud. You've just gotta find it yourself. The 'little wonder' in 'everything' is just waiting to be discovered and unleashed, so, find it. When you get it, everything shall be 'smooth sailing' once more...

@ 1805, 16072008... Hang in there...

Zonked...

It's just Tuesday, and im already totaly 'zonked' out. Long days, short nights. That's all i can say. At least most of the 'important' events in my life are almost over, just left with completing the remaining of portfolios, and another visit to 'kluang' next week, and that's the end of surgery.

Time is crawling past everyday. This is the best time for it to fly by, as i can't wait for it all to end. The sooner the better. Im pretty sick with my pathetic life right this moment. I just want to go home, spend all the time in the world, on myself, and myself only. Ain't i selfish? Oh, i don't care. I am so indeed of a break. A break from everything, a break from medicine per se, a break from everyone. Relationships seem to be heating up nowdays, with everyone so stressed and zonked out after being together for a continous 5 months here down south, away from civilisation...

Im giving myself excuses not to type out my last portfolio, which ironically is my favourite specialty. That's why i decided to blog! I've nothing better to do nowdays, other that face the notebook and type portfolios. My brain is just to tired to process and organize the history, as BIG 'D' said, it's 'fleeting' all over this very moment. If it does, then i'll produce a portfolio that no one can make heads or tails out of the history!

@ 2200, 15072008... 11 days to go... i just can't stop counting the days...

Final countdown begins...

In 14 days time, i'll be leaving this depressing place down south for good, hopefully. It's the end of the journey of 5 years of med school, the start of a new journey in the cruel world out there. Nothing beats the journey that i had the past 4 months, as it is equivalent to whatever i went through the past 4 years of med school. The lowest periods that i ever had in my life, the saddest moments, the journey of 'making' a competent 'doctor' (which i still not dare claim that title till now), it all shall come to and end, soon enough.

It's this last 2 weeks that everything has to be settled, especially those left 'half hanging in the air' portfolios. It's time to finilize every single detail, the last chance to 'make the necessary changes' before going in for the viva. Im so dreading to go through them again and again, as i always have the tendency to want it to be perfect. It's going to be a uphill task the next few days. With another one more to complete (not yet begun for that matter), and 9 waiting in line to be corrected. Even by just thinking about it makes me sick to the tummy.

So, whats going to be like after the exams? Guess what, my mum has already made 'big' plans, i.e. like going for a brain scan for starters? All i just want is to have a good rest at home, snooze day in and day out, or just stone in front of the idiot box. I really miss those holidays. Since entering clinical school, i've never had time to spend on the things that i really like, never had a holiday long enough to get bored at home. I think i deserve one right this moment, or at least after all these is over...

@ 2218, 13072008, mixed feelings, i want it to end ASAP, yet, i do not want it to ever come to an end...

Bye bye holiday...

Gosh, time flies when you are on holiday. I've not done a thing the entire day, and its back to routine once again tomorrow. Wards, wards and more wards! Im sort of sick of the entire routine, i need change. I need something different to make my life more exciting. Where am i ever going to get it in this place?

I've just been under the weather lately. Im tired, im drained, im just not in a mood to do anything. With the workload piling up each day, everything left half-hanging to be completed. The amount of 'stuff to be completed' are piling on my desk. Soon, i can't even see myself under all those papers. One after the other, they just keep pouring in. I guess this is what you get when you are at the end of your 5 year journey of med-school, the transition to the world out there.

My migranes seem to be of killing nature lately. I've been taking any kind of NSAID that i can get my hands on, 3 hourly. I've finished my supply of naproxen and celebrex. Now, solely dependent on PCM. Nothing seems to work, but at least the cocktail seems to allow me to get some sleep. I've lost all my appetite, but am indeed hungry. Im back to my old pathetic self, lavaging both ways when i consume anything under the sun, even plain H2O. I've lost all my energy to do anything. I've lost intrest in anything. I just want to stay in bed all day, do nothing, sleep my way through the next few weeks, with no worries...

@ 2343, 090708, i've caught the bug...

The last lesson...

"The mediocre teacher tells.

The good teacher explains.

The superior teacher demonstrates.

The great teacher inspires."

- William Ward -

Today was my last lesson with one of the 'greatest' teachers of all times. The next time we meet would be the determining point if these past 5 years have been worth it. Never i had a teacher as he was, and i would like love to continue to be his student if i ever have the opportunity in the near future. He's not that kind of a person where you could just walk up to and ask questions. As he puts it 'you do not ask the questions, only I ask the questions'. But, the session today was entirely different. We saw through a 'great fellow', the 'real' him. We finally had the chance to 'ask' the questions, where for once, we were not intimidated by his looks and smirks. And guess what? He is INDEED a Type D! (Direct, decisive, driving, dominant, demanding, determined, authority, sees the big picture, and definitely an instinctive leader!) Haha, maybe that's what which brought him to where he stands today. All the success he ever achieved, all the respects that he earns.

I am indeed going to miss all the sessions that we ever had in his company, all the classes which he ever 'conducted'. It's always only towards the end we appreciate the sessions we had together. I am proud to be one of his students, and would always be. And guess what? I am indeed going to walk up to him, and tell him that 'i would be your successor one day'!!!

@ 1916, 080708, 'getting a MBBS is just the begining of a new journey...'

Big 'D'

Everything seems to be related to the 'D'...

1. Survived through 'D' day and is still alive
2. being a type 'D' person
3. spent time with someone who is a 100% 'D'

Im just drained. There goes losing another night of luxury sleep. At least im relieved that both my portfolio cases are accepted, just that i've to sit down and figure one out. It's makes a vast difference when you discuss it with a GREAT and normal person. This 100% D brain just function differently. Which is what that makes him the best at everything he does.

After everything tomorrow, i'll just lay dead in bed. I can't wait for the time to come. I can't even walk straight, think straight... All i need now is sleep and i can't get it tonight once more. The good thing about everything is that now only the corrections have to be made, no more doubts if i had chosen the correct case, and hopefully, everything turns out right by the end of this week.

@ 2235, 070708, is wednesday ever coming???

Well deserved break...

After toiling 3 consecutive nights, just to complete 2 portfolios, im leaving for a well deserved break in 3 hours time. Gosh, i've waited so so long for this day. At least im leaving this hell hole for 36 hours, FAR FAR AWAY from portfolios! Last minute, haha, that's so me. Why bother to rush? Did i ever forget to mention that the meeting with 'GOD' is on monday night? Hah, im so anticipating the sarcasm that would burst out...

Im down to the last 3 learning issues, which i am indeed so so sick of. I never understood the purpose and reason of the 8 outcomes, still do not understand them now after completing 9 portfolios, and i don't think that i will ever will! The most time consuming part of doing the portfolio is figuring what to do for learning issues, which i never seem to learn anything at all!

I miss home, i miss sleep! I'll drop dead after eveything is over on tuesday for sure! Thank goodness wed happens to be a public hol here down south. Finally, a MID WEEK BREAK. My plan is to just sleep through the entire 24 hours, or, just lazing around, doing nothing, at least nothing relevant to portfolios!

My eyelids are so heavy, i can barely lift them up. I practically slept through the entire seminar this afternoon, after the session, someone told me i looked like i just got 'punched in the eyes'. It's that bad, ain't it?

@ 0529, 05072008... I NEED SLEEP!!!

LEAVE ME ALONE...

I am indeed going to blow up soon. Why bother to be someone's labrat a.k.a busybody a.k.a. slave a.k.a. orang suruhan? It's obvious that something is going on here. The idiot who refuses to do the dirty job himself, to pick up the responsibilities that he agreed to, is asking you to clean up the mess that he has made. Aren't you an idiot? if you ever read this and understand it, good for you, if not, too bad coz your skull is too thick to be penetrated, or brain too dense for that matter. Guess what, you shall never be successful in whatever mission you are on, and you are going to fail miserable. All because of your ignorance, unable to see the whole picture of whatever that's going on now, selfish-ness and craziness to want to prove someone wrong! Grow up! Whatever is going on now, is getting 'hotter' by the second, and no one wants any volcanoes to ever erupt. Your best friend is starting to say things that are not making sense nowdays, and you are already in the same boat! Everyone knows what is going on, wait till all the truth spills out, then we shall see who gets that last laugh...

@ 1329, 02072008, just can't wait for what is going to happen next... life is full of 'dramas'...

'Grand-rounds'

What an experience, a total waste of time! Whatever they were doing in front, i have no clue, but this was a picture of whatever that was happening behind the scene.

'This idiot has been hogging him for so long. Should just ask him to hug him!'

'Better ask him to take him home!'

'Why not you pounce on one, i pounce on the other?'

'Hahahaha...'

'Is he ever going to stop?'

'Don't think so...'

'Darn sien. A total waste of time.'

'Those people are such busy-bodies.'

'They shouldn't be here in the forst place!'

'Dahlah crowded, samore kiasu. Stupid betul!'

These conversations went on and on till the so called ward-round ended. A total waste of time. Following like pavlov's dogs, can't hear a thing going on...

@ 1317, 02072008

'Grandfather' like...

Or as J usually puts it, 'GOD-like'. Oh, he IS indeed a 'GOD-like' figure in our community. Just a mention of his name, everyone would go like...Ohhhh. Sarcastic is his middle name. Nevertheless, i do enjoy his sessions. It's amazing that he asks you questions that never crossed your mind, which indeed is related to a particular patient. After a session, just feel AWESOME...

When put in the 'hot-seat', i would just begin to babble nonsense. Which i myself do not understand. An example...

'The diagnosis is renal colic secondary to renal calculi'

'Can you put it in a more precise way?'

'Left renal colic secondary to left renal calculi'

'You know what? If you listen back to what you just said, i think you would think that you were funny' 'So, can colic occur at other places than the ureters?'

'Emm...can, like in the gut?'

'No la, in the ureter. Can other causes than stones cause colic?'

'No.'

'So, if your answer is no, then what is the diagnosis?'

'Ureteric colic?'

'Thank you.'

'Welcome.'

LOL!!! I almost killed myself after i said that! It's spinal reflex when i answered, nothing ever when through my brain! Gosh, i would not like to repeat that ever again. No one dared to argue with him that it could be renal colic, as in his context, there is no such thing as renal colic.

That's just through the camera, i just can't wait for his presence 'live'...

@1243, 01072008, tired, tired, tired...