PED...

It's been more than 3 days since my last paper... Back in KL currently, busy chauffering as usual, running errands, spending the rest of my time with ted... I've still not gotten over it. The exams, i mean. Whatever that i experienced keeps playing in my mind again and again and again, like a broken record player. Major depression is coming my way, after all i've gotta pack up my bags and leave to Batu Pahat this weekend.

Life is NASTY! Problem after problem, nothing seems to be able to be resolved. Before one is solved, the other just pop's out. Be it with family, studies, physical or psychological... Never ending. Life's just full of puzzles...

Another day worth of travellling tomorrow. Im just so sick of driving. Im so sick of even thinking about going down futher south. Im so sick of leaving home. Im just so sick of life at this moment.

I need a break. 7 freaking days is DEFINITELY NOT ENOUGH, to recoupeate after the crazziness that i went through the whole sem 9. Hold on, it's not 7 days, let do the math together...

Sat : Extinction viva results out at 1300, rest of the days spent packing up, reached home at 1800, exhausted

Sun : Sent car to mechanic, lunch with parents, picked car up from mechanic, dinner with bro

Mon : KL-Sban early morning, back home by 1400, chauffered bro for tuition

Tues : Met up with WK for breakfast, stuck in the maid agency whole afternoon, currently typing this...

There goes my 4 days... The next few days... All planned out...

Wed : KL-Sban-BP... OMG!!! Travelling and packing up once more! I really DREAD IT!

Thurs : Gotta put my butt down to complete the CFCS portfolio!

Fri : CFCS portfolio to be submitted to BJ

Sat : Last day at home...

Sun : Goodbye home, welcome BP!

WHERE THE HELL DID THE HOLIDAYS GO??? Seems that they were NEVER EXISTENT!!!

@ 2315, 26022008, Hols... I need a break... Otherwise i'll break soon!!!

What should i do???

Post sem 9 exams, life is even tougher now. I wondered how i made it though alive. The best part was, when the results came out, i did not jump with joy. Not a single cell in my body was happy that i made it through. At that time, the only thought i had was that i could not go through it again in 6 months time. I do not know what is my next step. Im at the verge of breaking down soon. I can't handle anymore stress... Im at the verge of EXTINCTION!!!

Crossroads... Should i defer for an entire semester? Or should i just go on with this journey as it's already the last 6 months of my path to the MBBS degree...

I can't decide. I can't make up my mind. The thoughts of deferment came into my mind even before i sat for my OSCE's last week. I just felt that i could not take it anymore. At times, i just sat down & cried. Not that i studied for this sem 9 exams, i was totally unprepared when i went to sit for it. I've lost it i tell you. I've not been eating right, sleeping right, studying right, even behaving right this past 6 months. I just don't know WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!

To defer is an option for me. Im not bothered if my friends graduate 6 months ahead, start working earlier. To the extend that i don't even care about the rm 30,000 anymore. I feel that i really need a break from all the crazziness this time.I can't take it anymore. All im worried now is about myself. With all the ++ issues that comes with the package. Facing my parents as starters. How on earth am i going to tell them that i would like to defer? They'll think that i've gone nutters. My mum will definitely send me to a shrink. My dad would just collapse due to a MI. Then the issue of house rental in BP, all the arrangements has been made. It's too late to say 'no' now. Some parties would hunt me down & kill me, which indirectly would make my life a better, brighter one!

Chatted with my best friend this morning. She, being encouraging, is just so sweet. Really a zillion thenks for hearing me out. I guess you are the only soul out there that really understands how i feel right this moment. I've already made up my mind, it's just when is the perfect timing to execute the plans now. I don't think that the people around be are able to accept my decisions, but, what the &*@#! I don't give a damn anymore. For once, i shall be selfish and just think about myself!

@ 1033, 25022008, i really need help...

Excruciating...

All i have to do now is to be patient for another 4 more hours... Gosh, viva results will be out. The concern here is not not being to make it into the distinction list, but pray so so hard that i DO NOT MAKE IT into the EXTINCTION list! It's do or die. If you're in, it means that you are pretty bad, but the second chance given is just a ray of hope, where only the 'lucky' few made through it alive.

I totally screwed OSCE's this time round. Station after station, be it long or short. Try going into 5 to 7 continous stations without a rest where you brain does 180 degree flips with just a flick of a magic wand. TORTURE, i name it.

This whole morning i've been thinking hard. Not about studies, more about my unertain future. Was thinking about deferring for 6 months, just to pull myself together. Im in need of some time off from medicine. It's driving me nuts. Especially with the exams and all. The schedules are hectic, holidays short, posting after posting just flies by with a blink of an eye. Honestly, i don't think that im ready to graduate in August. Im not ready to face the working life world. My competency level is NIL. If some patient would just collapse on me right this moment, i would collapse as well!

Oh, i don't know. So many things in my mind right now. The week's break that's coming up next week is so fully booked. It's not going to be a holiday, as if it's another busy week in any postings. I can't go on like this anymore. I need to get a good sleep, i need time for myself, i need to get the hell out of this ONE HECK OF A LIFE!

@ 0521, 23022008...

Screwed, totally...

With less than 3 days more to go, im fighthing a losing battle. I've totally lost it. I've not been studying since the past paper (which happened to be OSPE, & i screwed almost 6 stations in a row!). So not looking foward to OSCE's on thurs & fri, but that would ever be my last chance to redeem myself after screwing up for MEQ's & OSPE's.

At home currently, would go out of my mind if i stayed back at 'hellhole'. Not been sleeping well though home with ted & my bed. Still having the wierdest dreams ever, with all the 'unexpected & uninvited' folks who pay me a visit in snoozieland. This better not go on after exams, coz it's already about to drive me nuts.

Exam season, supposed to be stressed right? NO! Honestly speaking, im not stressed out at all! This time round seems to be different. It's not like the usual emotional roller coaster that i take. A different ride this time. More of being 'bipolar'. Manic at times, depressed towards the end of the day. I fully understand the consequences of not surviving through it, yet, im still NOT STUDYING!

@ 0100, 18022008, awake as usual, stoning...

Gurglings...

Tummy seems to be rambling & shearing itself apart non-stop. Im hungry, but drained out. After the 4 continuous visits to the loo in the past 4 hours, it's enough to knock me out. But, I can't seem to be able to fall asleep. Im wide awake, yet, the 'over-worked' nerones aren't functioning. Physically tired, so not looking foward to the next loo visit. Hungry, but lost my appetite. Even the thought of going downstairs to get a glass of milk is brain draining. Been surviving on an endless supply of H2O, 3 litres in the past 4 hours?

What's next to come? Why not someone just take the pleasure of killing me now? Why bother to let me suffer on?

Im back to the bouts of depression once more, after days of mania. At times like this, im just so sick of myself. Questions like why am i like that keeps playing in my mind. Im easily agitated by the most minor stuff, even if a bug lands on my book. Suicidal plans come into play. Thoughts like going for a high speed crash along the highway repeats itself endless times. It wouldn't be complete without a note of saying goodbye to my loved ones, with the last request to them as not to miss my company. And for the inheritence of the only 'living' property that i ever owned, which is actually pulling me back. My buddy, best friend, soul mate...

@ 0510, 14022008

NIGHTMARES!!!

WEIRD, TOTALLY.

It's back to that time of the year once more.

Exam fever + weird dreams = stay awake???

Whether it's early morning, afternoon or even late evenings, as long as i fall asleep, that blardy brain automatically goes into 'hyperfunction' mode! Not the usual nightmares which consists of the 'boogey-man' in my closet, or being chased by 'man-eating' monsters, mind you, but nightmarish in a way that these 'people' seem to 'act funny' in my presence! Awakenings practically every hour, associated with cold sweat, chills & rigors!!! First, it was Dato K this early morning, then the other Dato K just now, eagerly waiting in line to hop onto the 'dream coaster' next shall be Dato S! Not forgetting the 'other passengers' in between, like Dr T, Dr L, the list goes on. It's so so real, as im not the third party, but definitely involved in the dream itself. Im done with getting a good nights sleep, after just finished being 'screwed' by Dato K just now. Im tired, i drained out, im physically & mentally non-functional, i really need a good rest...

@ 0052, 14022008, it's takes so long just to finish typing this post... i wonder why...

50%...

Down with 50%, another 50% to go. Just now's paper... Im speechless. Thank goodness it's over. Im never ever going though it again!

The 1st 1 1/2 hours was ok, i managed to survive though it in 1 piece. The next 1 1/2 hours... Was like going though hell! Not that the paper was tough, i almost collapsed... Hypovolaemic, hypoglycaemic, hypocalcaemic, hypokalaemic, hyponatreamic, hypo-everything-else... Was half way though the fam med question, i began to feel chilly, pulled down my long sleeves, then i broke out into cold sweat, shiverring, palpitations, the bardy gut of mine ripping into parts, stupid legs went into 'cramp' mode. I could hardly move in my seat. I still had to go on. I was already half through it, no matter what happened i had to finish it! Walked out the exam hall like a one-legged duck, rushed back home, attended to unfinished business immediately. No way i am going through it again. Lessons learnt :

1. never ever go for a 3 hour long exam with an empty stomach

2. glup down a can of 100+ before going for exams no matter what

3. invest of long sleeved white coats

4. get a good night's sleep before the exam

5. never give up no matter what happens, you'll make it out alive!

@ 1225, 13022008, next 10% up on friday...

Reality check...

T.U.E.S.D.A.Y.

Time flies when you are lazing around doing nothing other than sleeping & eating all day long. In less than 10 hour time, i'll begin to fight the battle that i so hope to win when the chances are super slim. I've given up, nothing seems to be able to penetrate the thick skull of mine. Im drained out, despite having slept through the entire CNY. Psychologically unstable, im going nuts.

What happened during CNY? Arh, as usual, moving from 1 granparent's house to the other. On the road, snoozieland, loo land visits, indulging in whatever there was to offer... To my amazement, though no schedule to follow, i did not touch my books at all. Time just passed as it would so superbly fast, harldy realized that it was 'D' day so soon.

So much to read, so little time. What's the solution? Close ALL books then go & sleep. Anyways, i still need a brain to function tomorrow, but that's of no use. There is hardly anytime to think. Whatever that will be written on that paper shall be a result of the so called 'spinal reflex', no 2nd chance, no going back, no mistakes at 1st try. This is what i hate so much about the IMU exam system. Oh come on, I am just an average homosapien here, trying to make a living out of something that i like to do. Im not perfect, i make mistakes (which the biggest happens to be not preparing for this exam!)...

I guess that's enough rantings for now. Just gotta get ready for the battle & face the truth tomorrow.

@ 2206, 12022008, pull yourself together mate...

Nothing beats...

BEING AT HOME, FOR SURE!!!

In an extremely elevated mood today, despite having a freakin bad migrane & the usual lavages. Doing things at my own pace, no schedules to follow, no datelines... Spending time with ted when im bored, just sit down & chat with mum when im stressed out, 'mocking' little bro when im just irritated. Life ain't worth to be lost to these treasures.

Studying... Haha, haven't touched any of those since i got back on friday. Exams up in bout a week's time, still have lots to cover, but yet to begin. Gosh, im just relying on whatever knowledge that i already know to pass them this time round. I've just given up on it, as if im fighting a losing battle currently. Will still try my best though, as i always do, so that there wouldn't be any regrets in the end of the day.

Is it worth putting in all these effort just to get the MBBS that i longed for since young? Now, it's not just chasing the dream of getting an MBBS degree, it's more greared up to getting the FRCS, that i've been dreaming on for the past 2 years. Im already so sure that im going to do surgery, no way that im going to be a physician & make use of the rusty brain of mine. Im not the kind that would like to sit in a chair all day long solving puzzles which are full of lab results or numbers.

@ 1423, 02022008, time to hit the books now, whether or not it goes in my head is another issue...

Cherries...

After fueling up with grapes, apples & tomatoes for the whole week, a whole box of cherries was awaiting my arrival on friday. A box, i meant 5kg's worth of fresh, succulent, juice sweet cherries in the fridge! Oh, heavenly... Thanks to 1 of dad's best friends, who seems to be the only person to send fruits to our family during the CNY. Last year it was apple mangoes, previously was washington apples & oranges.

The past 24 hours has been a 'cherry fiesta' for me. In out of the kitchen, cherries in my hand. Each & everyone of them has a different degree of sweetness, which makes it fun to taste everytime...

Yet to get hold of the mandarin oranges in my house. I do not fancy them, but Ted is their number 1 fan. If i ever start 'indulging' on them, it would be for ted's sake, otherwise i do not have an excuse to start peeling it for him!

@ 2029, 02022008, im finally home...

McD...

If not for the existence of 24 hour outlets, i would be long dead! (after just surviving on mamaks alone) Since im a fast food freak, i spend my nights (or midnights) at these places other than in the 'depressing' room of mine.

Initially there was only A&W, then came KFC. Now, thanks to the newly discovered McD in Senawang, i had a new place to hang out since last week. Great & all, with parking spaces to the place being quite 'empty' at times, though quite far from my place, but the trip there is worth it.

Only one problem, remember the post last week about the weird rash? Im getting another flare up again. Which happens to be another post trip to McD. I think im allergic to something they serve there, coz on both occassions i had the same food (a.k.a. Fillet-o-fish + fries + carbonated drink). So, it's either one out of the 3 that's causing it. The rash still had not totally cleared the last time round, and now, it's flaring up again. Imagine how itchy it is now! Darn! This is going to take at least another week to clear off. Then with CNY coming up, im sure to indulge in all the 'prawn & fish' crackers at granny's place (which i happen to be allergic to again), looks like this is going to stay with me for at least the next 2 weeks...

@ 0326, 01022008, as long as i don't die bcoz of an anaphylactic shock, that will do... scratch, scratch, scratch...

No regrets...

Enjoyment rushed through my entire vascular system as i was reading Burkitt's just now. Sheer joy if i would put it in words. The satisfaction & happiness that i got out of every word that i read was unmeasurable.

I finally get it why i decided to take this path 4 years ago. Had many other choices then, much simple one's which would never put me in the position i am in now. Easier ways out, making the big bucks by now. But, no, the stubborn me insisted that this was what i wanted, and only this would satisfy myself.

Been a bumpy journey for me since the begining. Had my fair share of both failures & success. All in all, im glad that i made it till today. If not for all the failures i had in the past, i would have never learnt from my mistakes. As for now, it finaly got into me that im meant to do whatever i am doing now.

Surgery... from going to the OT to just hanging in the wards or scope room. Whether im doing something or just observing, i do enjoy every second of it. That's one subject that i will not get bored of reading, though i've read the topics umteen times. It's the same freaking thing, but i still get the thrill out of reading it! How i wished that this was applicable to all the other specialties... Then i would not have a problem facing the upcoming exams!!!

@ 0306, 01022008... It's February already???