It's human nature to always takes things for granted. I always take things for granted. For instance, saying goodbyes. I learnt this lesson the hard way, and trust me, it's a lesson that i'll remember for life. You only have 1 chance in life when it comes to saying your last goodbye, and you'll never know when. So, why not make every one as if its the last one?
Honestly, I never expected that to be my last goodbye. I don't even remember if i said the word 'goodbye'. All i remember was that i was in tears when i said it then...
It's just unbelieveble that things happen with a blink of an eye. One moment im counting down the hours to meeting you, then next im there praying to you. Although i tried my best to prepare myself for the worst, deep inside i can't fool myself what im feeling this moment. I am still unable to accept the truth despite showing to others that im able to. I just don't know how to express all the frustration, anger, guilt, sadness, regrets, whatever that's going on in there...
The past few days has been hell. Never knew that even when a person dies, its such a big deal. Although everything has been laid out and just to excute the orders, when loggerheads come together, its a disaster. In the end of the day, the show still went on as it was planned, just as enjoyment for the outsiders. Inside, the 'siew hei's' were quarelling with the 'hot tempered'. Oh, this battle has yet to begin, its just the tip of the iceberg now, wait till it gets deeper, when no one wants to pick up the responsibilities but just want the money, when the others are not willing to give in, when the past is dug up to the surface... Just wait...
When your other half passes on to the other life, you are left lonely. Watching what is going on now, i am certainly considering of staying single for the rest of my life. After being attached to your other half for more than half a decade, how are you ever going to go on with life alone? How are you going to re-learn independence overnight? What purpose more do you have in life, other than wait for your turn? Who is going to share the happiness, love and grieve with you? Though silent, all these questions are definitely there. Most importantly, can you accept the lost in the first place?
It's understanable if you can't accept it, because i can't accept it myself. After seeing people dying as part of my daily life, seeing your loved one passing on is an entirely different picture. It just can't be put into words.
Im so not looking foward to the crazy life that im going to lead for the next few weeks... 3 portfolio assessments up, 1 portfolio to complete, filling up of logbooks once more, travelling back home if im free, calls home more frequent to see how are things going on, with the unsound mind walking about...
@ 0058, 23042008, welcome back to 'hell'...
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