Unconditional love between 2 lifelong partners… Can’t be described using plain words. Gloomy atmosphere, daylong chantings, peace, serenity, repeats itself every 24 hours. Looks like the silver lining is hiding itself once more, for the better I suppose. It’s not been showing itself for the past 2 days. Physically deteriorating, general condition worsening, drifting consciousness levels which varies throughout the day. Automatisms (lip smacking, chewing, scratching), delusions, dysphasia, episodic fevers, precognition…features as of everyday. Curious to know what it means? Go find it out yourself. At least there is no pain the picture, thanks to DF 118 which does its job well.
Things now seem to be taking its toll on everyone. Blaming & accusing each other for minute things, still unable to accept the truth. It sucks when people refuse to face reality, blaming the worsening condition on the drugs, instead of the illness itself, self acclaiming doctors, deciding when to stop and when to give the meds. Tempers flare, jealousy in the air, leaving the old folks quiet and lonely. At times tears just flow uncontrollably, with moments of silence. At times like this, people show the part in them that we never knew existed. They do things that they never did in their entire life. A slow and painful death, is more suffering than ever. Deteriorating day by day, physically wasting away.
Everyone have their own coping mechanisms in situations like this. Some shed tears, others try to make jokes, minority just keep everything to themselves. Nevertheless, everyone is going through the same emotional roller coaster, mostly downs, rarely any ups these 2 days.
If I ever know when I would die, I do not want a slow and painful death. Looks like my only option is to commit suicide, but with the certainty that I die on my first attempt. No second chances though. Nothing comes cheap these days. Even to die you need money! And a large amount too. Why bother to plan a funeral after you are dead? I don’t see the point in it. Im already dead, I can’t experience a thing, whereas my loved ones who attend it are sad & depressed due to their loss. Why bother to rub more salt into their already weeping wounds? With the chantings and all during the entire process prior to cremation or burial, with the hope that I go to a better place when I die. Talking about cremation and burial, I don’t think either one is an option for me. Im claustrophobic, you see. So the use of a coffin is a NO WAY for me. Oh, why not surprise me? I don’t really care what is going to be done after death. As long as you do not keep any grudges or those kind words till the day of my funeral. Whatever bygones are bygones, everyone is forgiven. For whatever you want to say to me, please do it as soon as possible, coz im still alive at this moment in time. Just because you are attending my funeral you are not obliged to say everything nice about me. Why not just be yourself and say whatever you want? Don’t worry, I’m not going to haunt you down if you spoke of the truth.
As for the music, why not put up something that I like, some IL Divo or Josh Groban songs maybe? If you all insist that the chantings must go on, after that than I should have a selection of my choice. It dosen’t matter whether I die young or old, everyone should be well dressed for this occasion. No black suits, cloaks, or entirely white uniform. Where whatever you want, as colourful as you can find. It’s a celebration, where I finally get to go to a better place. You people should be happy instead of sad. Laugh, joke, shed tears of joy, go on, do whatever you people want, as long as it makes you happy…
@ 2229, 03042008, darker days are coming...
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