I've blogged about the 5 stages of dying once, but life is really unfair when you can't go through all these stages at your own pace, but immediately reach the acceptance stage.
My life is just a mess at this moment. I'm just as a mess, inside-out. It's crazy going through life like as what im doing now, and yet, it's something that i gotta face. Oh, I don't know. For once, i've given up and unable to decide anymore!
After attending med school for these past few years, i've lost all my feelings. I feel no pity, no sympathy, no empathy, lost everything that ends with a 'thy'!!! Im emotionless, expressionless, with a blank mind & stare all the time. Life is indeed different to be at the other side of the door, when the doctors do their rounds, when you plead to talk to them, when you are at the other end of the bed. It's crazy. It's nuts.
Im not in a mood to blog about it now...
@ 31032008, 0049, last day of the month, there goes another... wish there were more to come...
Monday, March 31, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
Days... Nights...
Night 1
Everyone was in a state of shock. Mum did not know how to respond. Given the grave diagnosis of stroke and the possibility of paralysis for life, she froze as time passed. No one else knew how to react. I volunteered to stay back that night as I was the night bird of the family, partly was that I knew that if he was to improve, it would be in the 1st 24 hours. Deep inside I was indeed paying for a miracle. I knew that the prognosis was bad, after a glance through the CT scan. Almost 2/3 of the right brain was affected, and yet, the presentation was indeed weird. Bilateral lower limb weakness, slurring of speech, and yet, upper limbs were perfectly normal, reflexes, sensation all intact. How could anyone explain this??? Stayed awake throughout the night. Comforted him when he dreamt of ‘selling’ something. ‘Money? Where is the money?’
Day 2
Arrogant doc showed up in the morning. Given the diagnosis of a 50% stroke 50% tumour, immediately asked what we wanted to do. Oh, common, HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT LAY PEOPLE TO KNOW WHAT TEST THEY WANT TO ORDER? Get some sense la, you are talking to people who can’t even differentiate a boil from a bed sore! Finally made the decision of going for the MRI, the next step would then depend on the results.
Night 2
Post MRI, no review of results coz the doc-on-call was busy at home. Patient developed focal seizures involving right side of face, increasing in frequency and duration. Doc ordered epilin infusion via phone, didn’t even bother to show up to review the patient. Certain parties got pissed, commented that they wanted a second opinion. Sudden pyrexia, not relieved by paracetamol and tepid sponging. Nurses freaked out. Called doc again. This time nurses came back with the news of sending the patient to the ICU IMMEDIATELY. Without even giving the family members a reason. Volcanoes blew. After long distance travelling the night before, seeing a loved one barely conscious the entire day… PISSED… They screwed the doc via phone left & right. Finally was given an option of getting an opinion from an MO for RM280 for 1 consultation. Agreed. MO reviewed the MRI, gave a diagnosis of NPC with brain mets. Stage 4. All hearts sank, tears shed. Patient immediately sent to ICU. Everyone went home.
Day 3
Marched to the hospital 1st thing in the morning, with the hope to meet the arrogant doc, but avail. She’s smart enough to avoid all the lions, hiding herself in the ICU as ‘lions’ can’t gain access coz it was not visiting hours. Ward sister became the negotiator, poor lady was bombarded with questions left and right. The conversation was going nowhere. Why can’t this people let bygones be bygones? Try to look to the future, than re-living the past! I threw myself in the ‘hot pot of soup’ when I spoke up. Everyone was speechless. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I went to see the arrogant doc, she gave up. She was already in the process of writing the referral when I saw her. Neway, decided to get a second opinion. The best part was that I had NO CLUE what was going on, as I was not around when the MO explained. Whatever I knew then was all from the mouths of emotionally unstable beings, half of the time who did not even understand what they were telling me!
Finally the neurosurgeon showed up at noon. Perfect timing indeed. All big mouths were not around, only me & an aunt. The kind soul explained everything from the beginning, laid out the options. What a sweetheart. Never met a doc who was so professional, with the best bedside manners that you’ll ever imagine. I came to the conclusion that surgeons are kinder and more humane compared physicians, whether it comes to explaining to the relatives or bedside manners. At least they don’t treat you like a moron. They have the patience to explain to you what’s going on and how should we proceed. Provisional diagnosis was NPC with brain mets, but the differential was an abscess. No certainty could be obtained from the MRI, only a rigid endoscope and biopsy would be confirmatory.
Decision on palliative care was made, even without a confirmatory diagnosis. False hope is now burning through the hearts of the loved ones, mostly praying that it could be an abscess. Patient’s condition improved, transferred back to the ward for the night. My turn to do the night call tonight, as the day and night call schedules had to be drawn out while arrangements were made back home.
Day 3
Bright & sunny outside, as well as inside room 591. The dark clouds decided to show it’s silver lining today. Conditions are improving, praying hard that it’ll stay that way. He’s opening his eyes, talking in full sentences, asking questions, requesting to take orally! Haha, most probably thanks to the 48 hours of full, undisturbed sleep. It’s as if he reincarnated. I can’t find another word to describe… I’ve noticed something, it’s like when im around, everything seems to be so perfectly normal, but once I leave… Im not going to imagine it. Just received another mood elevating message from my buddy. CFCS portfolio dateline was just postponed to Thursday! Not that I’ve not finished it, just that it means I don’t have to rush back tomorrow. But, it’s all bcoz of the journal club presentation. Im due up tomorrow aft, if I can find someone to swap with me… I’ll try.
Hoorah, Some kind soul agreed to change with me. Comin back wed... Till then... See how it goes...
@ 1445, 24032008... Better get into snoozieland soon. On call tonight...
Everyone was in a state of shock. Mum did not know how to respond. Given the grave diagnosis of stroke and the possibility of paralysis for life, she froze as time passed. No one else knew how to react. I volunteered to stay back that night as I was the night bird of the family, partly was that I knew that if he was to improve, it would be in the 1st 24 hours. Deep inside I was indeed paying for a miracle. I knew that the prognosis was bad, after a glance through the CT scan. Almost 2/3 of the right brain was affected, and yet, the presentation was indeed weird. Bilateral lower limb weakness, slurring of speech, and yet, upper limbs were perfectly normal, reflexes, sensation all intact. How could anyone explain this??? Stayed awake throughout the night. Comforted him when he dreamt of ‘selling’ something. ‘Money? Where is the money?’
Day 2
Arrogant doc showed up in the morning. Given the diagnosis of a 50% stroke 50% tumour, immediately asked what we wanted to do. Oh, common, HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT LAY PEOPLE TO KNOW WHAT TEST THEY WANT TO ORDER? Get some sense la, you are talking to people who can’t even differentiate a boil from a bed sore! Finally made the decision of going for the MRI, the next step would then depend on the results.
Night 2
Post MRI, no review of results coz the doc-on-call was busy at home. Patient developed focal seizures involving right side of face, increasing in frequency and duration. Doc ordered epilin infusion via phone, didn’t even bother to show up to review the patient. Certain parties got pissed, commented that they wanted a second opinion. Sudden pyrexia, not relieved by paracetamol and tepid sponging. Nurses freaked out. Called doc again. This time nurses came back with the news of sending the patient to the ICU IMMEDIATELY. Without even giving the family members a reason. Volcanoes blew. After long distance travelling the night before, seeing a loved one barely conscious the entire day… PISSED… They screwed the doc via phone left & right. Finally was given an option of getting an opinion from an MO for RM280 for 1 consultation. Agreed. MO reviewed the MRI, gave a diagnosis of NPC with brain mets. Stage 4. All hearts sank, tears shed. Patient immediately sent to ICU. Everyone went home.
Day 3
Marched to the hospital 1st thing in the morning, with the hope to meet the arrogant doc, but avail. She’s smart enough to avoid all the lions, hiding herself in the ICU as ‘lions’ can’t gain access coz it was not visiting hours. Ward sister became the negotiator, poor lady was bombarded with questions left and right. The conversation was going nowhere. Why can’t this people let bygones be bygones? Try to look to the future, than re-living the past! I threw myself in the ‘hot pot of soup’ when I spoke up. Everyone was speechless. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I went to see the arrogant doc, she gave up. She was already in the process of writing the referral when I saw her. Neway, decided to get a second opinion. The best part was that I had NO CLUE what was going on, as I was not around when the MO explained. Whatever I knew then was all from the mouths of emotionally unstable beings, half of the time who did not even understand what they were telling me!
Finally the neurosurgeon showed up at noon. Perfect timing indeed. All big mouths were not around, only me & an aunt. The kind soul explained everything from the beginning, laid out the options. What a sweetheart. Never met a doc who was so professional, with the best bedside manners that you’ll ever imagine. I came to the conclusion that surgeons are kinder and more humane compared physicians, whether it comes to explaining to the relatives or bedside manners. At least they don’t treat you like a moron. They have the patience to explain to you what’s going on and how should we proceed. Provisional diagnosis was NPC with brain mets, but the differential was an abscess. No certainty could be obtained from the MRI, only a rigid endoscope and biopsy would be confirmatory.
Decision on palliative care was made, even without a confirmatory diagnosis. False hope is now burning through the hearts of the loved ones, mostly praying that it could be an abscess. Patient’s condition improved, transferred back to the ward for the night. My turn to do the night call tonight, as the day and night call schedules had to be drawn out while arrangements were made back home.
Day 3
Bright & sunny outside, as well as inside room 591. The dark clouds decided to show it’s silver lining today. Conditions are improving, praying hard that it’ll stay that way. He’s opening his eyes, talking in full sentences, asking questions, requesting to take orally! Haha, most probably thanks to the 48 hours of full, undisturbed sleep. It’s as if he reincarnated. I can’t find another word to describe… I’ve noticed something, it’s like when im around, everything seems to be so perfectly normal, but once I leave… Im not going to imagine it. Just received another mood elevating message from my buddy. CFCS portfolio dateline was just postponed to Thursday! Not that I’ve not finished it, just that it means I don’t have to rush back tomorrow. But, it’s all bcoz of the journal club presentation. Im due up tomorrow aft, if I can find someone to swap with me… I’ll try.
Hoorah, Some kind soul agreed to change with me. Comin back wed... Till then... See how it goes...
@ 1445, 24032008... Better get into snoozieland soon. On call tonight...
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
On calls...
It is a waste of time if do it in the paeds ward. What do we do there other than stone at the nurses station? Hardly any admissions at night, patients all asleep. If it isn't a waste of time i don't know what it shall be known as. No proper place to sleep, better i go home and sleep on my bed! Honestly i don't mind staying up, as long as there is something to do! I'd rather stay at home typing up my portfolio than waste time doing nothing. Nowadays, it's all about making your presence felt. As long as you show your face regularly, then 'these people' sort of 'think' that you are doing your job, but actually, all i do is stone!
It's raining cats and dogs out there now. Just taken my bath, I DON'T WANT TO GET WET! Im just so lazy to get my butt out of this chair. Leaving in 1/2 hour time, it'd better stop raining. Otherwise i'll think twice before going...
@ 1918, 18072007, how i wish... that i could just stay at home tonight... ARGGHHHH.....
It's raining cats and dogs out there now. Just taken my bath, I DON'T WANT TO GET WET! Im just so lazy to get my butt out of this chair. Leaving in 1/2 hour time, it'd better stop raining. Otherwise i'll think twice before going...
@ 1918, 18072007, how i wish... that i could just stay at home tonight... ARGGHHHH.....
Monday, March 17, 2008
Weird...
Double weird... Something is going on here. The post that i just posted this afternoon, appeared before a post that i posted last week. The dates are all wrong, or is it something to do with the connection???
@1918, 17032008, lets see where this appears instead..
@1918, 17032008, lets see where this appears instead..
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
LIfe is...
Rather boring if anyone asked me. Morning in hosp, afternoon supposed to be in hosp, then nite spent at home, doing nothing. I've been rambling on and on and on about the mundane life that i lead here in BP right now, and trust me, things seem to be getting worse.
Week 2 into BP schedule, the first portfolio submission is due next week, the next a week later. The gotta get the journal club presentation done, CFCS portfolio submitted by end of the month... All life about here is typing, typing and more typing on the keyboard!
Go to wards and do what other than stone during rounds and incessantly covering our own beds? Honestly, i hardly learn anything here. The purpose of being in the wards to me is to 'find cases' for my portfolios. Now that i've reached this stage, so near yet so far towards becoming a doc, it makes me feel as though that im not doing what im supposed to. Not forgetting about the competency level... That's much much worse. I've lost all mt confidence, feel so incompetent all the time, and honestly, if someone just collapses in front of me, i would FREAK OUT!
Another video conferencing session up in 5 minutes time... Shall stone through it today, as im off the hook!
@ 1130, 12032008... Still blogging in library...SAD...
Week 2 into BP schedule, the first portfolio submission is due next week, the next a week later. The gotta get the journal club presentation done, CFCS portfolio submitted by end of the month... All life about here is typing, typing and more typing on the keyboard!
Go to wards and do what other than stone during rounds and incessantly covering our own beds? Honestly, i hardly learn anything here. The purpose of being in the wards to me is to 'find cases' for my portfolios. Now that i've reached this stage, so near yet so far towards becoming a doc, it makes me feel as though that im not doing what im supposed to. Not forgetting about the competency level... That's much much worse. I've lost all mt confidence, feel so incompetent all the time, and honestly, if someone just collapses in front of me, i would FREAK OUT!
Another video conferencing session up in 5 minutes time... Shall stone through it today, as im off the hook!
@ 1130, 12032008... Still blogging in library...SAD...
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Back to business..
Finally, im able to blog ALL I WANT in the comfort zone of my room and bed! After 2 consecutive weeks of 'hell' using the dysfuctional IMU computers, at the 'oddest' hours of the day, Im finally back to blogging whenever, wherever i want!
Getting reconnected means it's back to business for real, no more excuses about not completing the EBM part of portfolios and the learning issues. No more excuses for not replying emails, no more excuses of why i've been 'offline' for so so long.
Im just sick & tired this moment. The thought of typing portfolios kills, especially when you have a deadline to meet. After the 'mini lecture' given by prof R just now, 'portfolios are just a reflection of what you have been doing in the wards'. OH, YEAH RIGHT MAN! If it was ever that simple. Total bullshit. Does he even know how much neurons have to be sacrificed each time just to complete a portfolio?
Argghhh. The portfolio that i plan to hand up on wed is just half way through, while the other due next week is already done! Bad planning, i call it. Lousy TIME MANAGEMENT dato K calls it. It was a last minute decision. Not my fault entirely...
@ 1613, 17032008, back to work... after some games of course!!!
Getting reconnected means it's back to business for real, no more excuses about not completing the EBM part of portfolios and the learning issues. No more excuses for not replying emails, no more excuses of why i've been 'offline' for so so long.
Im just sick & tired this moment. The thought of typing portfolios kills, especially when you have a deadline to meet. After the 'mini lecture' given by prof R just now, 'portfolios are just a reflection of what you have been doing in the wards'. OH, YEAH RIGHT MAN! If it was ever that simple. Total bullshit. Does he even know how much neurons have to be sacrificed each time just to complete a portfolio?
Argghhh. The portfolio that i plan to hand up on wed is just half way through, while the other due next week is already done! Bad planning, i call it. Lousy TIME MANAGEMENT dato K calls it. It was a last minute decision. Not my fault entirely...
@ 1613, 17032008, back to work... after some games of course!!!
CoNnEcTiOn-LESS!!!
Day 10 here, yet, still connection-less! Oh crap, it really sucks being here if you do not have an internet connection. Im that desperate till i'll even settle for a dial out connection if there is one!
Can't complain much about the life im leading now, coz i signed up for it the moment i stepped into med school 5 years ago. It's unbelieveble that time really flies by when you are struggling through med school. My routine for the past week...
0545 : Up & out of bed to walk ted.
0700 : To the wards
0800 : Hand over rounds... aka sleeping/stoning time
0900 : Morning ward rounds
1130 : Bedside teachings / video conferencing (cool leh!)
1300 : Back home with the hope to catch a dag's nap
1400 : Afternoon sessions / ward work / snoozieland time
1800 : Ted's evening walk
1900 : Dinner? Lepaking either in BP mall, carrefour or summit
2200 : Continue to stone in my bedroom, open the books and laze on my bed, do nothing, watch DVD's...
That's my daily lifestyle here! What a life? Kindda boring if i may say so! No internet connection yet, what to do? It's not like something that i want.
Been totally out of civilisation for the entire 1 and 1/2 weeks here in BP. Yet to flip the newspaper open. No idea what is happening in the world around me. All my life revolves around now is just ted, the paeds ward, DVD's and my room! Sad, ain't it?
@2200, haha, gotta leave imu before they lock me in!
Can't complain much about the life im leading now, coz i signed up for it the moment i stepped into med school 5 years ago. It's unbelieveble that time really flies by when you are struggling through med school. My routine for the past week...
0545 : Up & out of bed to walk ted.
0700 : To the wards
0800 : Hand over rounds... aka sleeping/stoning time
0900 : Morning ward rounds
1130 : Bedside teachings / video conferencing (cool leh!)
1300 : Back home with the hope to catch a dag's nap
1400 : Afternoon sessions / ward work / snoozieland time
1800 : Ted's evening walk
1900 : Dinner? Lepaking either in BP mall, carrefour or summit
2200 : Continue to stone in my bedroom, open the books and laze on my bed, do nothing, watch DVD's...
That's my daily lifestyle here! What a life? Kindda boring if i may say so! No internet connection yet, what to do? It's not like something that i want.
Been totally out of civilisation for the entire 1 and 1/2 weeks here in BP. Yet to flip the newspaper open. No idea what is happening in the world around me. All my life revolves around now is just ted, the paeds ward, DVD's and my room! Sad, ain't it?
@2200, haha, gotta leave imu before they lock me in!
Thursday, March 6, 2008
STUCK IN HELL!!!
Whatever life im going through now, im not liking it a bit. How i wish im still at home in whatever, wherever im supposed to be, instead of being stuck in this stupid place so down south! Still without the proper internet connection, im wasting my days away. Supposed to be started on my 1st portfolio, yet, im snoozing my way through my first week.
Everything here sucks. The drivers suck, the early mornings suck, the long days suck, the weather sucks, the food sucks!!! Gosh, it's just so depressing. Even where im connected to the net here sucks. I have to put the keyboard ON MY LAP just to type this POST!!!
Whatever kind souls out there, please pull me out of this dump??? It so stupid having such long days and short nights. Whatever it is, i don't think that i can go on for the next 5 months!
Although done with end of posting exams, now it's just so being tied down with typing freaking portfolios! Worse when the net does not exist at home yet, where EBM searches can't be done!
Oh, i just hate my life right now. I just hate myself right now. I just wanna DIE!!!
@ 1551, 06032008... BATU PATHAT REALLY SUCKS!!!
Everything here sucks. The drivers suck, the early mornings suck, the long days suck, the weather sucks, the food sucks!!! Gosh, it's just so depressing. Even where im connected to the net here sucks. I have to put the keyboard ON MY LAP just to type this POST!!!
Whatever kind souls out there, please pull me out of this dump??? It so stupid having such long days and short nights. Whatever it is, i don't think that i can go on for the next 5 months!
Although done with end of posting exams, now it's just so being tied down with typing freaking portfolios! Worse when the net does not exist at home yet, where EBM searches can't be done!
Oh, i just hate my life right now. I just hate myself right now. I just wanna DIE!!!
@ 1551, 06032008... BATU PATHAT REALLY SUCKS!!!
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