Roller coasters...

Upside down...

2012-02-07T02:15:00.001+08:00

Inside out, topsy turvy, life just ain't right at the moment. Gut's been behaving marvelously evil lately, not even giving me a break in between. Work has just gotten more stressfull, more and more and more responsiilities, head been pounding for almost a week now, getting worse by the day.

I so need a break from all the nonsense now. More madness to come this week, with malignant new people joining the department, working in a more stressful environment, tonnes of readings all piled up on my table, eod call at the end of this week... The list seems to go on and on and on!

@ 0215, 07022012, just closed oot...

Back to ot...

2012-01-10T08:39:00.001+08:00

Been in APS for an entire week, bak to ot once more. There goes my shopping rounds, there goes the lunch breaks. Surgical list today, with an awesome surgeon. Had my maiden oot call on saturday, awesome way to start it. The angels were playing their hearts out in the new airlock! 1 case in 24 hours, try beating that!

Life ain't that bad after all. Guess its gets better as time moves on.

@ 0838, 10012012, keeping my fingers crossed this saturday...

Screwed.....

2012-01-06T11:08:00.002+08:00

Dammit. Spinal headache, thanks to the spinal i gave on monday... Patient pula manjalitis, says feels miserable la, mo more headache but still neck pain la... All sorts of nonsense. Young patient's nowdays... All sorts of complains.

Although its a known complication of subarachnoid blocks, this is my 2nd time seeing it. I guess the is just too miserabe being in the ward for such a long time already... Referral only came 3 daysbst op, when symptoms has been there for 2 days already!

Its ok, see how it goes later...

@ depressed... 1125h, 06012012

2012...

2012-01-02T16:12:00.001+08:00

Post 24 hours too late. Postcall yeaterday, Oncall again today, do i have a choice?

Though being oncall now, still have the time to blog, how about that? Awesome, isn't it? Kickbuttowski angels doing an awesome job now, playing their hearts out in airlock... Nothing much more that i can ask for right now.

New year, time to renew the resolutions... Can't even remember what were my resolutions last year! Its definately here in this site somewhere... Let me find it and see hiw far i have gone...

@ 1612, 02012012... Chillin...

Regrets???

2011-12-31T23:50:00.001+08:00

Maybe not. Though been busy today, at least now we are having a blast. Awesome food, good company...

Life ain't so bad after all..

Last post of the year....

@ 2349hrs, 31122011... At work...

Miserable

2011-12-29T15:20:00.001+08:00

Back to one of thosedays again, where i'm just not in d mood for anyting for that matter. Lying in bed and hoping for the best. It sucks feeling like that all the time. When you do not want to know the truth, but its staring at your face blankly, whether you like it or not. ..

@ 1530hrs, 29122011, dammit...

Calls...

2011-12-28T00:53:00.001+08:00

That's quite my life nowdays... Oncall, post call off... Sleep... Call again... Get a life! Seriously, its time to get out there and get a life. Its crazy here. Well, it depends also. How can one ever sleep when they are oncall?

Its not that bad as it sounds. In 7 hrs time, i'll be on my way home, when everyone else is on their way to work. Regrets joining this department? Hell no...

@ resting the damn sprained knee... 0052h, 28 dec 2011

end of life...

2011-10-31T18:28:00.000+08:00

What does this sound like? What happens then when the outer shell of us decides to disintegrate and not support us anymore? Ever wondered???

Organ donor? Not organ donor? Are our organs that valuable? Why are human beings so greedy. Harvest everything that they can get their hands on, from the heart, lungs, liver, kidneys, bones, skin...

Life isn't everything. Life shouldn't be taken for granted. Life is SHORT. Expect the unexpected. Nothing always turns out as it was supposed to be. Or maybe the existance of parallel universes just makes things more complicated.

So what am i supposed to say or do when the time comes. How am i supposed to face the truth when the time comes? I absolutely have no idea to face it.

How do people who already know that their time is already up face it? How do they take things in prespective when the time is right? Is there ever a right time to finally accept it all? Will i ever know when the time comes?

It's scary. Honestly, i chicken out. Im would choose the path of NOT TO KNOW rather than TO KNOW. I'd rather have an instantanous death instead of a slow, suffering one. I'd rather someone or something to kill me in a split second. How i wish if that could ever happen.

Maybe as i battle this on then i'll finally understand how things work in its own mysterious ways. Maybe people tend to grow as they learn their disease better. Maybe we will wake up one fine day knowing what to expect. Maybe, maybe, maybe... It's just full of maybe's ......

Reincarnation... Maybe another day...

@ 1826, 31102011... Enough for today.... Next time...

Quarter life crisis...

2011-06-15T20:57:00.000+08:00

Mid-life crisis, as it is always known... How about quarter life crisis??? Something that came up recently. Depression and anxiety. Nightly insomnias. How could i take it anymore? Reminds me of those days in medical school... Where I couldn't sleep at night till i'll haunt the usual mamak corners of seremban. Life now is indeed different. Working during the day, supposedly to study at night. The sevoflourane is driving me nuts. Im blaming that as the cause of my insomnia. No other apparent reason.

Been down these few weeks. Actually almost a month now. Still unable to pin point the cause, Im at the verge of going to see someone, which i indeed hope that can sort my life out now, but most likely its impossible.

Loss of appetite, loss of interest in the usual stuff that i used to enjoy. I don't even enjoy being with furball now. Just one too many things on my mind.

As if i don;t have enough going on in my life, others just have to keep adding salt to the already infected wound.

I can't seem to catch up with life as the days pass by so fast. I can't even catch my breath. It's as if im running a never ending race, i don't think that i can make it to the finish line in time.

Please wait for me.......

@ 2056... Leave me alone.... Please???

Major depression...

2011-05-31T21:40:00.000+08:00

Just too many things happening at the same time... At this moment in time. Basically, its just missing my buddy. Missing talking to someone who shares your sorrow and feelings. Someone who just knows what actually going on without asking a word. Someone there to hug and hold when i need to. Maybe its just the wrong time of the month. The emotional one if you could understand.

Im just missing ted too much. As in REALLY missing him madly. Uncontrollable tears, unconsolable cries. I really do not know what to do. That bad till i don't even want to go home. Work is just occupying my time most of the day, which is helpful during daytime.

Everything has just gone wrong. I can't take it anymore. It's just not supposed to go all like that. It's more of nature taking its course than me controlling the situation. That's why its frustrating......

At times like this, i'll just cry, cry and cry. I miss his company. His presence when i really need him. Its been almost 1 1/2 years now. Adaptive mechanisms has still not kicked in. It's actually been some time that i've sobbed like that. I really do, really really miss him...

@ 2139, 13052011... Love you always, one and only...

Hooooooooooolidayz......

2011-05-16T10:48:00.000+08:00

Gone were the days where school holidays were always there and awaited for. These days there hardly are any planned holidays... Mainly ELs or mcs. End of posting leave... Finally. Never been back home for such a long period since work started. Done with oath then the last one to go... Hope that I'll like it... Anesthesiology.

Gut has been crazy as usual. The are days where its just well behaved, days that I feel like killing myself as theres no good reason to live.

Heading to penang in a days time. Just to chill out and basically do nothing. Hah! Finally. I so need this break.

@1049...at home, waiting for a phonecall.

Looooooong time.........

2011-03-29T21:27:00.000+08:00

Feels like a gazillion years since i last blogged. Anyways... Lots of updates... Happy new year, happy CNY, happy valentines day, happy labour day (which is like in a month's time...)

Life's been too short lately, Lost both BOBO abd Clipper in December. Both part of the ever expanding family. Missing ted dearly, still do cry at night. Little russ... Nonstop, up to mischieve 'monkey'. Zen's her usual calm self, up to mischief behind your back! Both kids at granny's place for the time being. Thanks to those stupid 'thieves' who wish to dognap both babies of mine. Happened few weeks back. Both grandparents going nuts in KL.

Work, Work, Work... Not that bad, shouldn't complain too much now, being in ortho, my true love. Having a blast, other than being in the 'spine team'. Last 2 months before this was really blast with the 'foot and ankle' team. Call's been great as always, superbly enjoyable OT calls as always.

Surprisingly there's nothing much to say today. Maybe i've not been blogging for too a long time...

@ 2125, 29032011... At home...

Resurrection...

2010-11-28T15:55:00.000+08:00

Ever wondered why it has been so so long since i last blogged? Haha, i actually thought that i lost this blog. Just couldn't open it for some time.

Updates, updates.

1. Done with O&G. Dosen't that sound superb? Anyways, life in medical is just so so. With ever crazy calls. Stuck in haemato for the next 2 weeks... Life could be worse if i was non-functional, or would it have been better?

2. Little russ ain't that little no more. Zen's back in KL, russ and clipper with me.

3. Gut's getting worse as the days go by. Ain't behaving itself as it was supposed to be. Been in and out a few times past few months.

4. Caught the bug that dosen't want to leave. First with the usual jazz of fevers and URTI, now without the voice. What's next in store? No idea but definitely not looking foward to it.

End of the year is here, december in 2 days time. Its going to be a year soon, since i've lost ted. Still miss his company dearly. That's one dog that i will never forget. I really have no idea how im going to survive this Sunday. Will try to keep myself occupied.

That's all the updates for now. Back to the loo...

@ 1556 @ 28112010... disney channel's showing some stupidly weird cartoon now... ouch, tummy hurts...

Updates on life...

2010-03-07T21:21:00.000+08:00

Been indeed a roller coaster ride after the last post. Started paeds, workload was sort of OK, just that i HATED the kids and badies so much. And the parents... don't get me started on that issue. People the that department are so far treating me well, despite all the rumours and gossips. Nevertheless can't jump into conclusions coz its stil early to say so. For once i got a boss who really cares about his employees. The environment here is just not the same. The superb part is that im almost 6 weeks into it now, so another 10 to go!

Rusty's grown in the months, zen zen gaining weight as well. Both monkeys up to their nonstop mischieve. Disastrously behaving at home when im at work. Just image in the mess i get when i come home daily, like a tsunami just passed through the house!

Thats all for now. Going for a feel good doggie weekend in cherating this weekend, so looking foward to it!

@ 2121, 07032010... Post call again...

Lonely...

2010-01-11T21:53:00.002+08:00

The weekend came and went. Back to loneliness once more. Can't wait for this week to pass. Going to do my last surgical call tomorrow night. Definitely going to miss the thenggaes in the surgical department. As a first poster, i was treated well, great in fact. No screwing, no scolding, just tonnes of guidance and teachings.

Life nowdays is indeed sad. Since the passing of my best friend. Im feel lonely most of the time. Eventhough there's rusty to keep me company, its just different. Its like trying to talk to someone who hardly understands you. He's still a pup, hardly understands what i say although i try my best to communicate with him as much as i can. But, there's just a limit to things. Maybe he just needs more time to get adjusted to life. Maybe its me who need more time to get adjusted to life, not him.

In many ways he's just like teddy, in other ways he's just not teddy. Definitely Tedy is ireplaceble, but nowdays i just need someone who understands me inside out to talk to. Its the time of the year that im down once more.

@ 2011, gotta optimize myself to tomorrows call. Photos of rusty next time. The stupid thing is taking ages to load now.

21 century...

2010-01-02T13:25:00.002+08:00

New year, new day, new aspirations, everything new. I had quite an eventful 2009, especially its last few days. Lost another family member on new year's eve. My aunt just dropped dead after she was rushed to the hospital on new year's eve. It's been hard on everyone in the family, especially my dad to loose someone that he cared and loved. He's still in a daze, trying to keep himself in reality, and yet, he's not there most of the time.

I shall repeat again what i've told meself again and again this year, LIFE IS SHORT. From now on, i shall live life the fullest every single day as if it would end the very next minute. Expect the enexpected, nothing whatsoever that you tell me now shall be a shock, after what i've been though the past year.

It's been a harsh 2009, with the unforgettable memories of both good and bad. I shall pray for a better 2010, hope that the sun behind the black cloud would show itself, as there's always a silver lining behind every dark cloud. Lets just hope for the best for everyone this new year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

@ 1357, 02102010. A sincere thanks to the entire NEURO team at HRBP, for being so kind and considerate. Thank you all loads.

2009...

2009-12-28T22:18:00.002+08:00

It came then it went. Time indeed flies when you are busy with life. This post is 3 days early (thanks to the EOD calls all lined up for this entire week, i doubt if i have the time to blog anytime soon). 2009 has indeed been an eventful year for me...

1. Getting my first ever pay check which its amout was something i never gotten before.
2. Making new friends (which i NEVER EVER do).
3. Losing 2 family members.
4. Accepting 4 new family members.
5. Back to being myself, despite of all the craziness in life that i go through everyday.

Lessons i learnt well this year...

1. Life IS SHORT! Enjoy life to the fullest everyday. You'll never know when your time comes.
2. Letting go and moving on. (im not even through the letting go part yet!)
3. There's never ever enough love to be spread around.
4. Love life, love yourself, love everyone around you, love everything around you.
5. Always be thankful and appreciate what you have.

Has indeed been a roller coaster ride this year. Especially the past few weeks. But whatever has happened has happened, life goes on. This shall be one of those years that would be hard to forget, if it would ever be forgotten. It's easy to say that life goes on, but it hardly does go on for me. Im not even half way through the letting go part.

People i've met throughout this year have been really nice to me, and i thank god for letting our lives meet. A million thanks to all those who have been my pillars of support and hope, those who lent me a crying shoulder, those who were there when i needed them most.

Im a loner, i sincerely admit this. After losing my best friend, life still aint the same yet, but i do hope that time heals all sores. I still do cry to sleep at night, i just miss you being next to me. It's different of you not being around, something is missing from my life. I miss you being there when i get home, i miss the pillow talks , i miss the sharing of food, i miss the 'lazing' sessions, i just miss you so so much.

Enough said. Goodbye 2009...

@ 1038, 28122009, miss you buddy...

Best Friend

2009-12-08T18:30:00.004+08:00

Lost my best friend on wee hours of saturday morning (5 December 2009), after battling lifehe most unwanted death certificate (brain cancer) for almost year. He's not just my best friend, but rather my other half. Been with each other for the past 10 years, i owe all my emotions to him. I've learnt most of life's lessons from him. It has been as if we were connected somehow. He was the one and only person that could read my mind, always knew what i was going through during my rough times, knew when i was happy, was there when i needed a heart to heart chat, was there to contain all my tears during my down days, was there most of the time in my life for the past 10 years.

It's hard to loose someone that you are so close to, someone that is the pillar of your life, someone who just knows what's going on in your life. He was there when i graduated from highschool, college and university. He was there when i celebrated 10 of my birthdays. He was there when i started working. He was there when i needed him most, always there no matter night or day, just there. Nevertheless, its time to let go. It is time for him to go to a better place. The last week of his life was just plain cruel. Moaning in pain although on 50mcg of fentanyl patch. It's a blessing that he does not have to suffer anymore. Gone to a better place. But no matter what. i shall never forget you, buddy. You'll always have a special place in my heard.

May you rest in peace, Teddy. Love you always...

@ 1849, 08122009. This post is 3 days late, thanks to EOD calls, end of posting presentation and assessment. Thank godness the at least the end of posting stuff are over now...

Maiden call...

2009-10-11T20:37:00.002+08:00

Barely 17 days old in this profession, and i was left all alone to handle it myself. Gosh, the number of butterflies in my stomach the enitre time was unbearable. Definitely one of my luckiest days of my life, a total of only 4 admission in16 hours, and no more admissions after 7pm! Thank god im a non-jonah, and hope that it'll be always like that from now on. Its indeed scary when you are left all alone to do the things that you take for granted on a daily basis. I was figiting like fish out of water and all the nurses could just see it in me. Nevertheless, i managed to pull myself together at times like that and made it through.

Next call is this coming friday, honestly, im not looking foward to it, but, its part of my life from now on. Was welcomed to this profession in the most intriguing way, and would never be forgotten. Although im dog tired, but i have no regrets to be in the profession that i chose. I actually enjoy doing what im doing on a daily basis, despite the long working hours, hard labour and being treated like a dog. But in the end of the day, at least im in a profession that no work is taken home to be completed, as it all has to be done in the workplace. That's a definitely plus plus point for this profession.

p/s... Bobo is a BUCK.

@ tired, another long day tomorrow...

Letting go...

2009-08-19T10:52:00.003+08:00

Its definitely hard to let go when the time comes, but one does not have a choice at times like these. Cleo passed away this morning, and it has been 4 hours since i found out, but i still am not able to contain my tears of sadness. I just have to pour everything out now, as i can't take it anymore.

The 1 thing i learnt from her, is her everyday motto... 'LIVE LIFE AS THERE IS NO TOMORROW'. I totally agree with this, after seeing that life is indeed short. Never had a chance to pass kittenhood, her joyful and fullfilled life robbed away sadly by a 'hit and run' accident. At least the person had te mercy to put her at our doorstep, giving us a last chance of saying our goodbyes.

Calling our place home, but i guess by now she is in her true home. The past 8 months has just been like a 'layby', for her to repay her sins for what she did the life before. Its definitely sad for us that her stay here was undoubtly short, instead, i should be thankful that now she's in a better place. I guess its just that her debt has been paid, and she deserves to be in a better place.

I brought you home when you could hardly walk, fattened you up 3 hourly including wee hours of the night, was there when you first pooped, your first encounter with ted and duchess and bobo, witnessed your first kill and many more after that, enjoyed your 'lamming' and 'tortilla wrapping' sessions, you watching the computer screen as i was playing games, when you would just sleep like a slob on any surface, or just plain 'keow-ing' outside the house...

We had great times together, and you've left your footprints all over this house, even on the keyboard that im typing on now, which keeps me contemplating if i would still want to repair those 2 keys that you miraculously managed to yank out, just like that. Thank you for the opportunities given to us to spend precious moments together, and we would cherish it all our lives... May you rest in peace, Cleo...

1110, 19082009, sadhu, sadhu, sadhu......

Cleo...

2009-06-18T11:44:00.014+08:00

Cleo, in short for Cleopetra Guo Benjamin, a.k.a savage, crocroch, kitty and many more. This is the newest addition to 'the zoo' i have at home, most of all, she is Ted's new pet. Who could ever imagine this would ever happen in ted's lifetime??? Her milestones in pictures...

...

@ 1209, 18062009, 2nd post in an hour, to kill boredom...

Book review...

2009-06-18T10:30:00.012+08:00

Finally i had the time to actually read whatever i liked after 5 long grueling years. Whatever review below is what i have been up to for the past few months... All of these are just MY opinions, none of which should be taken seriously. Seriously...

I begun with this...

Did not buy this book. In fact, i got it for free when i bought "The five people you meet in heaven" by Mitch Albom. This title (The kite runner) was kindda new at that time, guess they were trying to promote it before it got popular, and i did try to read it. It was SO SO BORING in the begining. After the first few pages, i just lef this book lying somewhere i my room. It was just an ordinary August night, where i was bored and had nothing to do, found this book in some corner of my cupboard, picked it up, decided that i should give it another chance. HOLY COW! After i finished the first chapter, i DID NOT lay it down anymore! I started it at midnight, finished it at 7 in the morning. The adrenaline from the excitement i got just pump me on and on through the WHOLE ENTIRE NIGHT! I still remembered the next day i met up with my best friends for dim sum, but my mind was still in the story. Its about this war that they have in the middle east, some kid from a weathy family growing up under these circumstances. Its about friendship, between a rich kid and a servant's son, about sacrifices friends make, about the cruelty and the traumatic effect you get in warzones. Throughout the entire story, prepare to expect the unepected...

Verdict : A really good read.

After this, i went hunting for the second book penned by Khaled Hosseini.

The setting is similiar to 'The Kite Runner', also about friendship, but, this time round its all about the women there. How they are treated, what is their social strata, their roles as daughters and wifes. The entire book is about 3 women and their lives, but in some way or rather, all these three women are inter-related, not genetically, but socially. It gives an entirely different picture as this author's other book, as the other book's main characters were male. Not a bad read, but after reading, it could be boring at first since the setting of the story is almost the same as the other, but the storyline is entirely different.

Verdict : A good read, but only if you are free as it could get quite boring towards the end.

Decided to get the old ones out of the closet to read them once more.

One of the books that i'll never get bored with. Read it 3 times in total, even watched the movie (which was touching, but did not really enjoy it), yet, i still get the excitement reading through it once more. I guess its just because im a dog person, and any books about dog would simply "WOW" me. Maybe its the way John Grogan penned it, the way he described Marley the dog, his antics , his attitude towards us human, his moods... not forgetting his NEVER ENDING adventures with the Grogans... Humanlike.

Verdict : A wonderful light read, for entertainment purposes, but the ending is as expected. Every dog/human has his day...

Continued with this...

Read this book once before after i finished 'The Da Vinci Code' a long time ago. Im the kidda person interested in maths and physics, and this was one of by favourites. Although its fiction, but the continous puzzles and mystery to be solved kept me going on and on once more till the end. Its about some kind of 'passerkey' that must be cracked within 24 hours, and this program could give one the ultimate gift of being able to send anything online without ever being traced. A combination of murder, romance and adventure, all in a single book.

Vertict : Would be intresting if you are the inquitive mind kidda person.

Went to kinokuniya one of the Mondays, came home with this book...

Had no idea what it was about, only knew that it had something to do with a dog. This was indeed an enjoyable read, as it was from an entirely different prespective. The entire story was from ENZO's prespetive. I shall not tell you who Enzo is, so you gotta read this to find out. Its about marriage, family,death, the-in-laws, the custody battles, car racing, and mostly about a little girl growing up under these circumstances.

Verdict : Really enjoyed it, since it was entirely from a different prespective...

More reviews to come, as im having trouble adding the pictures to this post...

@ 1136, 18062009...

Funny...

2009-05-11T00:27:00.002+08:00

Took this online test thingy and guess what? I turned out to be a brain... Read more to decipher the entire meaning of this...

You Are The Brain

You're the type of person who's always on, always churning.

You are alert and quick to react. You like to stay busy.

You are responsible but also demanding. You take up a lot of energy.

You are someone of deep mystery. There's a lot below the surface that's hard to figure out.

What Internal Organ Are You?

OK. Now, to decipher the code behind all these mumbo jumbo...

1. Always on, always churning.

This would definitely symbolize MY GUT! Blardy right that it keeps on churning, day and night!

2. Alert and quick to react, stay busy.

Guess that true as well. I can't leave things undone, uncomplete, half hanging in a way. Stay busy, definitely. I can never sit still for 5 minutes, have been figitting through all my classes till now.

3. Responsible and demanding.

Haha, the responsible part, maybe, but demanding, definitely. If someone wants me to do the best, i would expect the best as well.

4. Deep mystery.

Maybe beause i do not smile as much as others, and i do not look friendly at first sight. As time passes and you get to know me more, there is definitely many things to discover.

@ 1237, 11052009... Just bored...

What Irony...

2009-05-07T23:50:00.002+08:00

It is indeed what worse than this could happen for me, but then, im going to see things as the cup half full rather than half empty this time round. Always believed that things happen for a reason, maybe someone up there has bigger plans for me to stick around here longer, nearer to home perhaps. Believe it or not, i actually failed a second time round. Its either im really really that bad or the aus gomen has something against me. Rather than a 249 out of 250, this time its a 294 out of 300. At times like this i really wonder WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME! Fortunately for me, after so so many failures in my 25 years of life, im taking this rather well. It has not really affected me like how it did last time, maybe becaused i've already planned the next step of action before i got these results, just in case i din't pull through.

There the debate begins... Which hospital should i put as my choices? After being home for the past 8 months, i'd definitely opt to work as close to home as possible, don't know why myself. Remember then when i wanted to go away as far as possible, as both S&S were indeed tempting as there is like an extra of RM1000 of monthly allowance? I guess thats just not important to me now. Now, i would definitely prefer somewhere near home, but, no matter what, if they happen to send me to some place blardy far, i guess i'll just pack up my bags and go! No matter what, it can't be that bad... IM STILL IN IN THE SAME COUNTRY... how far can it be? Home would just be a phone call away, at local rates... It aint that bad...

The tasks to visiting governmet offices shall begin... These would be me going around chasing the goose. You know what i mean. All i can do not is pray for the best, hope that i get my choices, and whoever is up there, i really do hope everything works out as planned now.

@ 1202, 08052009, new path begins... i wonder if its the path less taken...

Yippiedy, yappady, yak...

2009-04-10T10:55:00.002+08:00

Indeed i have no idea how i conjured up the title of this post, it was just something that came across my mine while i was waiting for this page to load (yeah, it does takes maxis 'narrowband' centuries just to load a page!). Neway, life has been prety hectic the past week, daily classes (pbl's or just being a SP), housechores to be done, time needed to nurse that timebomb headache, or just plain lazing around at home with ted.

That old guy seems to be gaining pounds the past few months, more specifically since i got home for good. He's getting old by the second, tired and sleeping most of the day, getting mild 'asthmatic attacks' whenever he gets too excited, front paw arthritis at nights, grouchy sometimes... Guess thats just the ageing process that living beings go through. Still yet to outgrow the puppy habit, like bone and toy chewing. That's the weirdest thing about him, so old yet still young at heart.

Haven't much to blog about lately, partly contributed my being tired all the time. I sleep most of the day, yet, i still do yawn most of the time. Im just lethargic, so so tired till i'd rather glue my butt onto the couch or bed. Don't know what is so physically draining, whats 'eating' all my energy.

@ 1106, 10042009, cooking lunch soon...

Depersonalization...

2009-04-04T12:06:00.002+08:00

Been under the weather the past 2 days. Waking up with headaches, feeling un-attached to my body yet able to feel the pain, mood swings on and off during the day, lethargic... I just don't know what is wrong with me. The stress levels are now NIL, but, these complaints seem to be worse day by day. Im currently up to 3 tabs of cafergot for the past 2 days, and about to take another while im typing in this post. The cafergot only gives temporary relieve, by masking the worst ever migranes that i'll ever get.

My life haven't been greater now. Received my first paycheck recently, classes every other day, spending most of my time with ted, catching up on reading, 'roaming' the shopping complexes with WK on mondays... There's nothing else i can ask for, other than GET RID OF THIS DAMNED HEADACHE!

Honestly, its getting worse. There's nothing much i can do about it these days other than try to get some sleep in my 'dracula like' room. Sometimes i think that im indeed paranoid, thinking that there's actually 'something growing in my brain'. The headaches does indeed change intensity with position, and definitely worse when i bend down. The more i think of it, i seriously think that 'its all in my head', im fine. But one thing is for sure, vomiting does indeed relieves it temporarily, only to get it back again after an hour or so.

Gut-wise, its still the same, with in-the gut-mood-swings as well. Calorie intake still the same, just the lack of exercise. Lost the interst to go swimming, mostly due to the headaches and tiredness all the time. Just climbing up the stairs would 'kill me'.

I sometimes feel that this body of mine is at the verge of giving up. Even my back, knee and hip giving problems at times. Im going to pass only quater of a century soon, but, it is too fast indeed for me to give it all up now. I've gotta buckle up and find a long tern solution for all of these...

@ 04042009, 1224, today aint my day...

Relieved...

2009-03-26T13:08:00.002+08:00

Just relieved that its over, but then, the waiting now begins. It's like no other. The situation now is critical, life or death. The choice is either to 'rot and die' like everyone else in this country's healthcare workforce, or soar to 'better opportunities' offered aboard. Only a small step taken out the the giant leap, and the game begins till next month.

Started another job yesterday, the sessions of the previous one seems to get lesser by the months. This time round its my turn to 'act' as 'the patient', where it is sort of boring although its just my second day! These students i tell you.... DOINK to the MAX. Although i was in their shoes not quite long ago, the current younger generation... OH MY, i could just kill myself there in the session. Its rather irritating when they dont know what they want to ask, and even more irritating when they DONT PREPARE BEFORE COMING TO CLASS!

Life is back to the mundane after the stress level buiding up for the past few weeks. Was thinking of travelling somewhere soon, but financially incompetent to do so. Just see how i pass the next few days...

@ 1319, 26042009, stuck in between sessions, can't go home, sob sob...

Depression...

2009-02-11T12:06:00.002+08:00

This time round its not a psychological issue anymore. The 'depression' around us seems to get deeper by the day. A friend of mine just lost her job recently, retrenchments just keeps piling up day by day, the economy is from bad to worse, world death toll due to disasters going up by the day... WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO???

With the presence of a depression, thing seem to be just the same for me, but i doubt it would be in a few months time, when i do start filling up the internship application forms then. I really do pray hard that they indeed need my services down under, secure myself with a job, at least for the next year or so. From there on, it would all depend on my 'karma'.

Still being my usual self, 'nocturnal animal' like, barely making it through the 1030am pbl sessions with the sem 5's. My daytime dysfunctionality has been taking a toll on me, since i have to be awake in the afternoons as a chauffer. When it is time to hit the books, im lethargic but awake? Any solutions?

Have stopped blogging for quite some time now. It's more of because i can't find a topic to blog about, rather than i don't have to time to blog. My life is pretty mundane nowdays, with the same schedule day by day. When im all greared up to go for a holiday, people around me are indifferent, at all reasons, with the current economic slowdown, saying 'not now'. Maybe that's how life works...

@ 1234, 11022009, going to have breakfast now...

Rekindling the past....

2009-01-20T00:08:00.002+08:00

The past was not that long ago, say 3 years, maybe? I attended my first PBL session today, this time only to be on the other side of the fence. Hell yah, i was the BLIND facilitator leading the BLIND students! Haha, the look on their faces when they first saw me is worth a thousand words. First day on the job, and I LOVE it. Maybe its because im starting with my favourite subject... ORTHO, or Musculoskeletal system (as it is named in pre-clinical school). Not a 9 to 5 job, just 2 sessions per week, at whatever time i like (within office hours of course!). Getting paid is another matter, it like 100 bucks per session. Gosh, good maney, aint it? Considering that it would definitely be a GOOD revision for me...

Sem 5's... What they are now is exactly like what we were back then. Blur, pindrop silence during PBL's, only speak when spoken to, waiting for the lec for answers... But then, as usual there are those who are on the more extreme side, those outspoken, session domineering people. The group chemistry among them is rather good, where almost all of them think on the same line, that i gotta thank AAD for doing such a great job.

Another session to come this thursday, where its their turn to do the talking this time round. The funny thing about this group is that all of them opted to do ALL the topics, not like what we used to during the olden days. We'd rather take the short way out, coz we knew that in the end PBL's were more of crap and BS. Or maybe its just their first session of the semester, where everyone is still fresh from the holidays and good rest, lets just wait till the work and lectures start pouring in, when they have sleepless nights studying or just reading up for PBL!

@ 1219, 20012009, im dog tired, thanks to 'MISSY' the cat...

Welcome 2009!!!

2009-01-01T00:35:00.002+08:00

There we go once more. At least this year i did not have to spend my new year in the usual DUMP! I was at home, online, while the seconds passed and the fireworks lit up the sky. Indeed a loooooooong year it has been, uncountable events in life, unforgettable ones. 2008 was filled with tears of joy, as well as tears of sadness. Was in and out of the dumps till August, then it was just a staright line on an ECG strip from there onwards... Till few days ago, where my roller coaster life returned. It's always the unexpcted that happens. As if i am JINXED! Sitting for exams is surely a JINXED matter for me, always getting the almost pass mark but yet FAILED! At these times i am indeed fed up. But then, its such as waste if you look at it as the 'cup is half full'. These few days have been rather fustrating, im so near yet so far, and it is SO SO TIME CONSUMING!

I've literally wasted away 4 months, doing nothing other than rotting at home. Totally unprodutive. I am indeed a waste of nature. Useless. A useless bump, thats how i see it.

New year, new resolutions, new dream, new hopes, and definitely NEW ACHIEVEMENTS! I've gotta put my best out this time, and it shall be a MUST to do well. I can't afford to waste anymore time... It's preciously ticking away before i realize...

@ depressed... but then, its a new year... what can i say???

GUT...

2008-11-04T01:00:00.003+08:00

This is indeed something that i wished i never had. Ever had an experience of excreting something 'unimaginable' from it every single day? Not once, twice or thrice, but a minimum of 5 times per day? Don't even think about it. That is indeed why i would one day RIP MY GUTS OUT! Its no more a figure a speech for me, as it has reached its threshold. Im so so sick of it being ill-behaved and spending/wasting so much time on either on the throne 'pouring my guts out' or on bed in 'fetal position'.

In 15 days i would take my next step in life. Whatever happens on that day would determine what happens for the few years to come. I'd better not screw it up, and indeed end up with a 'satisfactory'. The stress level is building up inside the chamber, yet, the laziness overpowers everything in the end of the day. The nearer the exams come, the lazier is get. I guess that's how my body reacts.

Nightly insomnias, early morning migranes, excruciating tummy aches which literally pull me out of bed... Gosh, stop the complaints already. Nothing could be worse than these. Oh, I was so wrong. ITS THE BLODDY JACKHAMMER which starts at 8am every morning, continously till 5pm! Thanks to some SELFISH, IGNORANT, TOO F@#KING RICH NEIGHBOUR, who'd rather demolish his house than BUY A NEW ONE! For a person who is insomnic at night and have migranes by day, its DRIVING ME TO SUICIDE.

Enough complaints. Guess that im just against everything and everyone in this world, even myself. Nothing can satisfy my temper nowadays, nothing than just the company of ted. When the affectionate and loving eyes make contact, i feel that im the luckiest person in this whole wide world...

@ 0112, 04112008...

Farewell...

2008-10-24T16:56:00.002+08:00

At least this time round i had my chance of saying a 'proper' goodbye. Farewell i bid you, my friend. You were my company when i was alone, along with the 3 hour drive down south, someone there which kept me sane all this time when i was going nuts...

Never forget the day you came to live with us, when i picked you up from the cage in the petshop, you were hardly bigger than my little finger, squirmish, just wiggled your way through my fingers into the cage. How could i ever forget the look on bro's face when you were his 'early' chrismas present Never knew that you were the rodent with 1 missing hindfoot, a congenital abnormality i guess. Nevertheless, it was still a functional limb, where you would work out everynight without fail in your 'glow in the dark' wheel.

I pray that you would have a better life after this, and hope that you did enjoy this life being our pet rodent... SQUEAKS... may you rest in peace.

@ 2019, 27102008, this post is 3 days late...

Saying goodbyes...

2008-10-22T13:21:00.003+08:00

How do you ever say goodbye to someone that you really love and treasure so much? It ain't easy, yet, when the time comes, it has to be done. Gosh, it's a 2 to 3 yearly affair, when its time to say goodbye, i'll swear that i'll not get another. But once the bereavement period is over, when everything is back to normal, there i'll go again, only to repeat the act, knowing pretty well that i'll have to say my goodbyes some time soon.

Im just 'crushed' now. Thus already with a MBBS degree, yet i still can't cure illnesses or alleviate pain and suffering. I feel so useless. What on earth am i going to do with a 'rodent' with PR bleeding, who is anaemic and dehydrated? Im such an idoit. Should i practice euthanasia or let it be? Im staring at my pet hopelessly. The only thing that i can do now is pray for the best -- i.e. get well soon or go ahead and die??? Even that i can't decide...

Attachment is a CURSE! Pulls me into DEEP SHIT yet i can't pull myself out of it. Again and again, i remind myself, no way am i going to be attached. In the end of the day, im just a total failure...

@ 1329, 22102008, thump thump, thump... KILL ME!!!

The NeVeReNdInG chase...

2008-10-21T00:13:00.002+08:00

RATS!!!

That's exactly what we are, or what i am for that matter. Everyday in our lives, we chase, with the intention of getting the best selection of cheese as fast as possible. Im stuck in a live where the chase has already begun, currently at a halt now, which is to be continued. Honestly, part of me is 'sick and tired' of this whole race, yet the other half still has had NOT ENOUGH of it! At times like these, it makes me wonder, which is the half that's controlling my decisions and actions???

It is as if i've registered myself to join the NEVERENDING CHASE. Life goes by although you spend your days rotting at home, doing nothing other than... But... can't you see? There's sure a but in no matter what situation. Back to the point, But... I've always wondered where would i be in 6 months time. Where did i finally land myself at. What would i be doing then... These questions have crossed my mind a million times, yet, i can never get an answer, which i only would get it like 6 months from now.

I don't know what im up to these days. Guess the super-duperly loooong break that i really wanted before has gotten the 'best & worst' out of me. Yet, im still in my usual physical state... Gurgling gut, time-bomb head, niagara nose... Still in denial, as most of you would call it. Guess that im human after all, the typical type of patient who waits for a disaster to happen before accepting the truth. Too bad, as the saying goes... 'doctors ARE the worst patients'.

Back to my nocturnal cycles, daytime snoozieland. Just 2 hours of sleep is considered 'heaven' nowadays. It's that bad till i can't sleep continously for more than 2 hours before waking up with a throbbing head. The more i think of it, the more it FREAKS ME OUT!

@ 0028, 21102008, lack of sleep, yet insomnic...

Back on track...

2008-10-08T10:02:00.002+08:00

See??? I managed to survive a non-blogging period for more than a month! Haha, mainly due to the 'lousiest internet connection' that one can get in my area. You'll be surprised why i said so, judging by where i live. Its not the connection that sucks, its because i get it for FREE!

So, how has life been the past 1 month? AS USUAL... Still surviving the usual colics and migranes. Staying alive by pumping in the concoxions. Don't start lecturing me just yet. Even the best ever dr that i can get my hands on has given up altogether.I've been to yet another dr, for the headaches this time... Changed the prophylactic drugs, im up to 5 cafergots per week, with cataflam in between. Yet, these headaches still drive me up the wall. Thank god that work is not starting anytime soon, coz i did not even apply for a job yet! Lets see how things go, on this side of the world...

Had an eye-opening experience recently. I still remember vividly those days where a conversation like this would take place...

'We are having CP later this morning...'

'What CP? All of you have cerebral palsy?'

That would be a retort by one of the greatest surgeons those days. He's never into abbrevations, always wanted us to speak and write in full words. But, after what i saw the other day, it ain't that bad having CP. Definitely not those that we see in the paeds wards all the time. Maybe they are a handful of problems when they are young, when they grow up, they seem to just function like all of us. Never underestimate a kid with CP. They are just like you and me, joking, giggling, teasing their counterparts. Behaviour wise, we are alike. It's just that they lack in motor skills, where most of them are wheelchair bound, yet, we can see them achiving in life. Its a shame to see beggars who are physically and mentally fit, begging on the streets. These kids actually showed me that with sheer determination, anything is possible. KUDOS to them all!

Can't wait to see those kids once more next week. Have the rest of this week all planned though, being mum's chauffer down KL this afternoon, stuck in library tomorrow, bro's bday this friday, loaded during the weekend... I guess that's what life is about these days, less being like those of a roller coaster which i used to have...

@ 08102008, 1039, life is indeed as beautiful as you make it...

That's where im going...

2008-08-16T09:19:00.001+08:00

My journey in med school officially comes to an end today. Im finally heading home, where i belong. Packing ain't easy, though just being here for the past 5 months, the clutter that i've gotta pack, it's inspeckable.

Looks like im not the only one going home. There are two others who miss their families as much, who will not be staying here down south, one moving home, the other moving closer to home. I guess no matter how far or how long you leave your nest, no matter what you'll go back some day.

No matter what, i'll never forget the stuff that we did tonight. After staying here for 5 months, it's this particular night that left us in darkness, the night that we unintentionally 'tailed' someone home, the night that i said my final goodbyes to this place, the night thati discovered really good satay which i never bothered to try, the night that i say goodbye to being a med student...

For those out there who are trying to beat the dateline for portfolios, i wish you all the best. This could be the end of my journey here, maybe the end of blogging (unless i get a faster connection at home), but, i can't wait to end this journey, and begin a new one a fresh...

@ 0313, 25072008... that's all for now...

Is there a dr in the house???

2008-08-10T02:17:00.002+08:00

After toiling for 5 years on medical school, i've made it through ALIVE!!! It's the end of medical school, welcome to the real world. Before i realized it, im going out there to 'heal' people. HAH, i can't even solve my own problems, how on earth am i going to solve others? It's something really hard to believe, but, that's going to be my life from now on.

Guess what? I finally fulfilled my childhood dream... Yes, to become a doctor. It has been my 'ambition' since young, year after year, whenever the school required us to fill up the yellow card, 'doctor' was definitely one of my 3 choices. Then, would come things like engineer, pilot, air-stewardess, teacher...the list goes on. Back then, i never ever imagined that it would come true, and till now, i still can't believe myself.

No matter what, i am STILL MYSELF. I've always wondered how doctors lead a normal, mundane life outside from their workplace. How they'd dress while going out with their family, how they'd behave themselves, how they'd just be themselves. Now, i sort of get it. Nothing has changed overnight. Im still the usual, t-shirt, short with slippers, shopping for groceries with mum, being my bro's chauffeur kindda person. It's just how others would address a person formally, other than that, nothing is different. We are still the same souls that roam this planet! Can't we be treated just like everybody else? We are human too, not god, still do make mistakes. I'll never forget a professor once mentioned before, 'a good doctor dosen't mean that that person has above average IQ, as many of us in this profession has below normal IQ's. It's a person with common sense that makes a good doctor'.

Signing up for this profession comes with it's consequences. Being the 'first' person with a MBBS in the family is an even greater liability. I've yet to go out and meet my relatives. Honestly, I AM PETRIFIED. Even my dad starts asking questions these days, when he never ever bothered to ask before. And mum especially expects that detailed explanations for everything that she asks, whether she understands or not is besides the point, as long as you tell her...

Now, i am aimless, jobless, cashless, with everything that ends with a ...less! I've to go and get a job by end of this month, decide what i really want to do with my life, start being financially independent, earning the 'green notes'. I guess that i'll not have a 2 to 3 month holiday like everyone else, who are currently waiting to be 'summoned' to the government service. Nevertheless, till the convocation end of this month, i shall be spending my days by chauffering various people, from bro to granny. This would keep me occupied for the next 2 weeks...

@ 0247, 100808, bitten by the insomnic bug...

The ULTIMATE...

2008-08-06T10:45:00.003+08:00

Life is full of surprises. At this moment in time, i feel as though i have reached the ULTIMATE PINNACLE, though down with the WORLD'S MOST OXYMORONIC MIGRAINE!!! Exam fever's over, down with results fever now.

I do believe our life is so well planned, that everything happens for a reason. 'Guardian Angels', do you ever believe in them? Oh, i definitely do. And there's one in particular who has been following me for almost 2 1/2 years now, and i am really thankful to that person. This person always appears at the time when i really do need him most. Only a handful out there takes him as a heaven sent soul, others just 'fear him'. I always wondered if he ever knew my name, as he gives me a smirk whenever we bump into each other. He's been the encouragement which pulled me through my 'darkest times'. I've learnt that knowledge is not what which makes you a GREAT DOCTOR, its attitude, its how you bring yourself, its how you are as a person... I've blogged about him before, and i'll never forget the 'dare' that was made 2 years ago, where one day i would just walk up to him and tell him that i would be his successor. Guess what? That day is coming soon... Just look out for it!

And for the ultimate exam, our lives crossed once more. When he already knew that i was the chosen victim of his 'slaughter house', when i was still so ignorant as the butterflies in my stomach nearly flew out my mouth, he smirked. Stared as i walked pass him that faithful morning, with that smirk on his face. I'm pretty sure there is a darn good reason behind why our lives crossed each other's on that Monday morning. Nevertheless, it went on smooth as usual, though when the times the 'cat got my tongue', he would just fill up the blanks for me, and we would finish each others sentences! He made me be myself the entire 30minutes, not someone else. We were so comfortable talking to each other, as if we were long lost friends. The other two in the room just stared on, with one in particular was smirking his way though. I went in there blank, as well as coming out blank. Only when i came out, i was in the state of shock, only then i realized that HE was my examiner, the one that everyone feared most, and i was the 'lucky scapegoat' of the morning!

I can't continue any further, i can't even sit upright for another 5 minutes, but, i still have so so much more to blog about. I feel queezy now. The entire room spinning around. It must be the cafergot that i just took. That's all for now, with more updates coming the end of this week...

@ 06082008, 1121, oh bed, here i come...

Counting down...

2008-07-31T11:18:00.002+08:00

It not going for the exam that suck, its the waiting which sucks most. Im getting pretty impatient nowdays, which small matters would just flare me up in seconds. Nothing is improving though im back home, and i've been the moodiest since. I seem to be on the downside of things these few days, entire GIT inflammed, from the incisors till the anus, gut being ill-behaved as ever, tummy growling and grunting, churning inside out, cerebral vessels at the verge of rupturing... Im as lethagic as ever, at least im able to get proper shut-eye at home, that's the benefit.

I honestly have no idea how am i going to pull through next monday, and come out alive. It would take a miracle for it to happen. You'll never know, as miracles do happen. I've survived through times comparable to this, but, no matter what, this is the ULTIMATE PINNACLE, one and only chance to REDEEM myself, after being a nuisance down south for the past months!

@ 31072008, 1129, welcome, AUGUST...

24, yet still at home...

2008-07-29T12:23:00.001+08:00

This is exactly where the countdown begins. I've less than 6 days to pump in whatever i can into my brain, yet, im just so so lazy to do so. And it's today that im 24, which really sucks because im getting older on the outside, but, inside i im just a mere 4 year old.

Been home for the past 4 days. Guess what i've been doing? Haha. In snoozieland most of the time. Im down with a really bad bout of URTI, the first ever so severe that kept me in bed continously for 48 hours.

Im just not in the mood to study anymore. I just want everything to be over as soon as possible. I've yet to start reading. Looks like the 5 days that i calculated earlier, its down to 3 days. I don;t know what i've been doing. I guess im just going to walk in there on monday morning, blabber my way through, and just pray extremelt hard that i'll pass...

@ 1235, 20072008... IM LAZY LAZY LAZY...

Almost there...

2008-07-24T10:01:00.002+08:00

Im almost at the finishing line after toiling so so 'hard' for the past 5 years. At least im sort of 30% nearer, can smell the air of sweet success, but tis so near yet so far. Now, it all depends on how fast of slow time flies.

Finally completed the 200++ paged portfolios, submitted. At least that would be my least worries about beating the dateline for now. Its time to 'dig into the books', which i've yet to begun. Lets see here, i've got 6 postings to cover, i have like 5 days? (after deleting the travelling days, the proscratination hours, the hours spent on ted). SHARKS! How on earth can i ever finish filling up this 'resonant' brain of mine? I am in need of more time!

Oh whatever. Whatever comes, whatever may. Now the long case is entirely dependent on my 'luck' on Monday morning. This time round, im only given ONE chance. If i ever wanna screw it up, it better not be that faithful day...

@ 1009, 24072008... tired yet awake... DISASTER!!!

Surgeons vs Physicians

2008-07-23T20:10:00.002+08:00

What would you do when you get a surgeon who 'thinks outside the box', and a physician whose brain works like a 'intel centrino core 2 duo processor'?

A MEDICAL STUDENT WHO IS GETTING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN AND GOING NUTS!!!

That's exactly what im going through now. Now, for once, i don't care whether i get a 'medical' or 'surgical' case for the upcoming final long case. Because??? IT DOSEN'T MATTER! No matter what i get, this blardy portfolio of mine will definitely be the topic for discussion, as it has both medical and surgical components. The best part is that the surgeons and physicians opinions are at 'loggerheads', and i can't decide who's opinion to follow. In the end of the day, ITS JUST A DIAGNOSIS, and THE MANAGEMENT IS IRONICALLY STILL THE SAME!

Im at the 'crossroad' now. I don't know who to follow. Which ever path i take, all i can do when the time comes is defend myself, and the is no one there to help me. I'd better have a blardy good reason for the decision i made, be it to the surgeons or physicians. Imagine me in the viva room, with BOTH the 'loggerheads' that gave me their different views... HAHA! That's the worst case scenario!!!

@ 2020, 23072008... I think too much... Better get my snoozieland nap...

Final 'HIGH'...

2008-07-22T18:59:00.002+08:00

Currently experiencing my last dose of 'euphoria' in medical school. Finally got all the signatures needed to complete the logbook, and a pretty excellent way to end sem 10. Nothing near to how it started, when i got my went through the first logbook assessment... Started with a 'satisfactory', ended with an 'excellent'. Who could ask for more than that!

This would be my last 'high' moment here down south, as the next 2 days shall be drowned in portfolios, portfolios and more portfolios. Life has been pretty sick these few days, and i've yet to start studying. Everyone around me seems so stressed out, from studies i presume, yet, im still the jovial, happy but tired looking kinda soul, haunting the wards, clinic and scope room. It's not entirely my fault that im tired all the time, blame it on the drug side effects and the uncontrollable lavages that i have every single night. All i need now is a good good rest once this week is over. I can't wait for friday, when everything is settled, and i can crawl my way back home...

@ 1906, 22072008, another 3 days...

The end of med school...

2008-07-21T17:59:00.002+08:00

It feels as though i just stepped into med school yesterday. Oh, OK, 1 year ago maybe. 5 years have passed and im down to my last 4 days of med school. For now, i guess everything is over, all the end of posting exams, end of sem exams, portfolio assessments, ward work... The only thing left now is for portfolio submission... then exit viva... That's all up on the agenda for the next 2 weeks.

I had my final portfolio assessment just now, went in with a 'blank' mind', at least i learnt a thing or two when i came out. 1 thing that i learnt was that 'NEVER BEAT AROUND THE BUSH' when answering questions. Just SPIT IT OUT! If you don't know, admit it. Don't pretend to, then irritate the examiner. With this, it would very well be applied to me, as i am the kind that would just spit things out 'into your face' kindda person. Sorry for those 'future politicians' who can't do so. Muahaha.

Having my joys and sorrows while going to leave med school, i really wonder if i could survive being thrown out there, all alone in this cruel world. I guess life ain't like what we see on the surface on a daily basis. People are nasty most of the time, and not everyone can be trusted. Nevertheless, it's part of learning to be who you are, thus there's no escape to it.

Another briefing tomorrow, with our beloved ... I do hope this is the last. And no more after this. It has been a 'great' 5 month stay here down south. I've met all sorts of people down here, from all walks of life. The nasty, the fake, the good, and even the best at whatever they do. I shall not name names, to prevent trouble from surfacing soon anytime. No matter how they had treated me, lots of life-long lessons have been learnt, especially life is more complicated than i once thought. I can't wait for it all to end, to begin a life a fresh, as me myself...

@1815, 21072008... too soon, before you know it...

WHALE of a time...

2008-07-20T18:42:00.002+08:00

I've never spent my weekends here to luvrutively. It's either a drive down to Melaka, or back to KL, or just stoning in my room entirely. Thanks to WJ, who decided to come to pay me a visit, I had a blast, and is continuing to have it now as well!

Spent time catching up on each other, our just our usual selves talking nonsense which only we are able to understand. And, it's just food, food and more food. Been having my BD meals (what a great accomplishment, haha), then, had our splurge on rambutans, with more to come tonight's dinner and tomorrow's lunch!

Ask me about it, the wonder drug has given up it's role in the gut. Im back to lomotil once more, which also seems NOT TO WORK at all! Gosh, i am indeed in deep shit now, if it still decides to pour out like that. I can't go on like that for the entire of next 2 weeks. I just renegerated from bed, after a 3 hour disturbed sleep. But then... Im back to my usual self now, after having a 'wonderful' 1st 2 days...

@ 1850, 20072008... I need another wonder drug...

Dead in bed...

2008-07-18T22:23:00.004+08:00

This was the most luxurious sleep that i ever had in years! After being drugged, i slept like a 'baby' all night yesterday. Waking up drowsy, decided to take a day off, only to be interupted by 'some balrdy idiot' who calls at 0730 in the morning, just to ask which bed is whose! After that i get a wake up call at bout 0900, asking if im in the wards, then yet another at 1000++. What the hell??? Its always the day that i decided to pamper myself on my bed is the day that i get all these phone calls! I finally drove myself to wake up at about 1100, replied my emails, then went on snoozing till 1415! When the side effects of a drug is stated as lethargy, TRUST IT! Lethargy till TAK TERBANGUN-BANGUN! I could hardly function the whole day, in and out of consciousness, until late afternoon. This better not go on like that for the whole of next week, otherwise i'll never get things done...

Its amazing sometimes that just a small thing would produce such a large effect. Im super duperly euphoric this moment, definitely not in the depressive phase now. I guess that it would work wonders if im depressed, but, even without it, i've been rather happy these few days. Maybe it's due to the fact that im leaving this 'dump' soon, and going home for good. Im down to my last 5 days of being a 'medical student', then, it shall be a whole new world out there. I've yet to decide what im going to do in the future. I've not applied for a job locally, maybe i shall just laze at home all day long before deciding what to do with my life. I need a break from everything, including medicine. Though it's a field that i do enjoy doing on a daily basis, after these 5 years, i think i need a well deserved break. After all i've gone through, i need some time for myself...

@ 2235, 18072008, super 'high' & the weekend is here...

Killing 2 birds with a stone...

2008-07-17T16:25:00.003+08:00

I sincerely pray that it's true. First time ever, when i went to pay this 'professional' an official visit, i was honest. I poured out everything, whatever im taking, whatever i've been taking, whatever problems i had. It just had to come out. Don't know why. Though it sounds funny, i was given something different this time, and hope that i'll work not for only 1 problem, but both simultaneously.

After pouring out the history and all, i guess that he's thinking along the lines of TB. But, never went depth into it though. This drug of choice was so that i could cut down on my lomotil dependence, but its side effect is unacceptable... LETHARGY... OMG. Im already tired enough all day long, with this side effet, i'd rather just DIE IN BED! It's suicide. But, if it really works, it'll do wonders...

Two sides of the coin, which should i choose? I'll have till tonight to make up my choice. It would be a god-sent if it does work for both problems, but, taking the side effect into consideration... I can't afford to sleep all day long, especially during crucial moments like these 2 coming weeks...

@ 1639, 170708... Decisions, decisions... what am i going to do???

Im done...

2008-07-17T12:47:00.004+08:00

Yay! I've finally completed my last and final portfolio. Ironically my favourite most posting, and the shortest ever that i've typed out! I don't give a damn anymore. As long as it is all done now, its time to begin on the corrections and reading through the others. Gosh, im just so so lazy to even begin.

I think i deserve a good treat tonight, the problem is that i have no clue where to get it, when im stuck that this lousy place. I'll never know what i'll do. For all you know, i might even end up driving back to KL altogether. Im mising home so so much, though i just went back last weekend. It's the stress building up, the stress of completing all these before the dateline, the stress of thinking about shifting home, the stress about every single thing that occurs in my life. I am in need to be in my comfort zone.

Final long case is in 2 weeks time, and everyone around seems to be 'studying'! I am the only person alive still procrastinating all day long, yet to touch any of my books. By the way, what is there to study? Oh, psychiatry maybe. But other than that, internal medicine itself is so wide, and we can get anything under the sun, be it common or rare. I just don't see the point in doing so. When the time comes, it all boils down to what i've learnt for the past 5 years, that's it. I don't think that some last minute brain cramming sessions would help.

I guess everyone else around me do not think so. When everyone is so stressed up about studying, i am stressed up about procrastinating! Muahaha, maybe that's just how the complicated brain of mine works...

@ 1257, 17072008... it could be pizza tonight, and cartoons for sure... i deserve this break...

Learn...

2008-07-16T17:56:00.002+08:00

Though 'zonked', i can't stop wondering how are you getting along right now. I've been through there, trust me, it ain't a simple journey. Life is all about learning, learning and learning. That's it. In the end of the day, that's what which makes you a better person...

You've gotta learn to...

1. fight for your right

2. stand up for what's right

3. give and take

4. communicate

5. share

6. avoid when necessary

7. face the truth when the time comes

and never forgetting,

8. BE ALONE.

Easy to say, but really tough when you go through it. At times it is indeed lonely, no matter what, there is surely a silver lining in every black cloud. You've just gotta find it yourself. The 'little wonder' in 'everything' is just waiting to be discovered and unleashed, so, find it. When you get it, everything shall be 'smooth sailing' once more...

@ 1805, 16072008... Hang in there...

Zonked...

2008-07-15T21:40:00.002+08:00

It's just Tuesday, and im already totaly 'zonked' out. Long days, short nights. That's all i can say. At least most of the 'important' events in my life are almost over, just left with completing the remaining of portfolios, and another visit to 'kluang' next week, and that's the end of surgery.

Time is crawling past everyday. This is the best time for it to fly by, as i can't wait for it all to end. The sooner the better. Im pretty sick with my pathetic life right this moment. I just want to go home, spend all the time in the world, on myself, and myself only. Ain't i selfish? Oh, i don't care. I am so indeed of a break. A break from everything, a break from medicine per se, a break from everyone. Relationships seem to be heating up nowdays, with everyone so stressed and zonked out after being together for a continous 5 months here down south, away from civilisation...

Im giving myself excuses not to type out my last portfolio, which ironically is my favourite specialty. That's why i decided to blog! I've nothing better to do nowdays, other that face the notebook and type portfolios. My brain is just to tired to process and organize the history, as BIG 'D' said, it's 'fleeting' all over this very moment. If it does, then i'll produce a portfolio that no one can make heads or tails out of the history!

@ 2200, 15072008... 11 days to go... i just can't stop counting the days...

Final countdown begins...

2008-07-13T20:47:00.002+08:00

In 14 days time, i'll be leaving this depressing place down south for good, hopefully. It's the end of the journey of 5 years of med school, the start of a new journey in the cruel world out there. Nothing beats the journey that i had the past 4 months, as it is equivalent to whatever i went through the past 4 years of med school. The lowest periods that i ever had in my life, the saddest moments, the journey of 'making' a competent 'doctor' (which i still not dare claim that title till now), it all shall come to and end, soon enough.

It's this last 2 weeks that everything has to be settled, especially those left 'half hanging in the air' portfolios. It's time to finilize every single detail, the last chance to 'make the necessary changes' before going in for the viva. Im so dreading to go through them again and again, as i always have the tendency to want it to be perfect. It's going to be a uphill task the next few days. With another one more to complete (not yet begun for that matter), and 9 waiting in line to be corrected. Even by just thinking about it makes me sick to the tummy.

So, whats going to be like after the exams? Guess what, my mum has already made 'big' plans, i.e. like going for a brain scan for starters? All i just want is to have a good rest at home, snooze day in and day out, or just stone in front of the idiot box. I really miss those holidays. Since entering clinical school, i've never had time to spend on the things that i really like, never had a holiday long enough to get bored at home. I think i deserve one right this moment, or at least after all these is over...

@ 2218, 13072008, mixed feelings, i want it to end ASAP, yet, i do not want it to ever come to an end...

Bye bye holiday...

2008-07-09T23:33:00.002+08:00

Gosh, time flies when you are on holiday. I've not done a thing the entire day, and its back to routine once again tomorrow. Wards, wards and more wards! Im sort of sick of the entire routine, i need change. I need something different to make my life more exciting. Where am i ever going to get it in this place?

I've just been under the weather lately. Im tired, im drained, im just not in a mood to do anything. With the workload piling up each day, everything left half-hanging to be completed. The amount of 'stuff to be completed' are piling on my desk. Soon, i can't even see myself under all those papers. One after the other, they just keep pouring in. I guess this is what you get when you are at the end of your 5 year journey of med-school, the transition to the world out there.

My migranes seem to be of killing nature lately. I've been taking any kind of NSAID that i can get my hands on, 3 hourly. I've finished my supply of naproxen and celebrex. Now, solely dependent on PCM. Nothing seems to work, but at least the cocktail seems to allow me to get some sleep. I've lost all my appetite, but am indeed hungry. Im back to my old pathetic self, lavaging both ways when i consume anything under the sun, even plain H2O. I've lost all my energy to do anything. I've lost intrest in anything. I just want to stay in bed all day, do nothing, sleep my way through the next few weeks, with no worries...

@ 2343, 090708, i've caught the bug...

The last lesson...

2008-07-08T18:58:00.003+08:00

"The mediocre teacher tells.

The good teacher explains.

The superior teacher demonstrates.

The great teacher inspires."

- William Ward -

Today was my last lesson with one of the 'greatest' teachers of all times. The next time we meet would be the determining point if these past 5 years have been worth it. Never i had a teacher as he was, and i would like love to continue to be his student if i ever have the opportunity in the near future. He's not that kind of a person where you could just walk up to and ask questions. As he puts it 'you do not ask the questions, only I ask the questions'. But, the session today was entirely different. We saw through a 'great fellow', the 'real' him. We finally had the chance to 'ask' the questions, where for once, we were not intimidated by his looks and smirks. And guess what? He is INDEED a Type D! (Direct, decisive, driving, dominant, demanding, determined, authority, sees the big picture, and definitely an instinctive leader!) Haha, maybe that's what which brought him to where he stands today. All the success he ever achieved, all the respects that he earns.

I am indeed going to miss all the sessions that we ever had in his company, all the classes which he ever 'conducted'. It's always only towards the end we appreciate the sessions we had together. I am proud to be one of his students, and would always be. And guess what? I am indeed going to walk up to him, and tell him that 'i would be your successor one day'!!!

@ 1916, 080708, 'getting a MBBS is just the begining of a new journey...'

Big 'D'

2008-07-07T22:21:00.002+08:00

Everything seems to be related to the 'D'...

1. Survived through 'D' day and is still alive
2. being a type 'D' person
3. spent time with someone who is a 100% 'D'

Im just drained. There goes losing another night of luxury sleep. At least im relieved that both my portfolio cases are accepted, just that i've to sit down and figure one out. It's makes a vast difference when you discuss it with a GREAT and normal person. This 100% D brain just function differently. Which is what that makes him the best at everything he does.

After everything tomorrow, i'll just lay dead in bed. I can't wait for the time to come. I can't even walk straight, think straight... All i need now is sleep and i can't get it tonight once more. The good thing about everything is that now only the corrections have to be made, no more doubts if i had chosen the correct case, and hopefully, everything turns out right by the end of this week.

@ 2235, 070708, is wednesday ever coming???

Well deserved break...

2008-07-05T05:21:00.002+08:00

After toiling 3 consecutive nights, just to complete 2 portfolios, im leaving for a well deserved break in 3 hours time. Gosh, i've waited so so long for this day. At least im leaving this hell hole for 36 hours, FAR FAR AWAY from portfolios! Last minute, haha, that's so me. Why bother to rush? Did i ever forget to mention that the meeting with 'GOD' is on monday night? Hah, im so anticipating the sarcasm that would burst out...

Im down to the last 3 learning issues, which i am indeed so so sick of. I never understood the purpose and reason of the 8 outcomes, still do not understand them now after completing 9 portfolios, and i don't think that i will ever will! The most time consuming part of doing the portfolio is figuring what to do for learning issues, which i never seem to learn anything at all!

I miss home, i miss sleep! I'll drop dead after eveything is over on tuesday for sure! Thank goodness wed happens to be a public hol here down south. Finally, a MID WEEK BREAK. My plan is to just sleep through the entire 24 hours, or, just lazing around, doing nothing, at least nothing relevant to portfolios!

My eyelids are so heavy, i can barely lift them up. I practically slept through the entire seminar this afternoon, after the session, someone told me i looked like i just got 'punched in the eyes'. It's that bad, ain't it?

@ 0529, 05072008... I NEED SLEEP!!!

LEAVE ME ALONE...

2008-07-02T13:21:00.002+08:00

I am indeed going to blow up soon. Why bother to be someone's labrat a.k.a busybody a.k.a. slave a.k.a. orang suruhan? It's obvious that something is going on here. The idiot who refuses to do the dirty job himself, to pick up the responsibilities that he agreed to, is asking you to clean up the mess that he has made. Aren't you an idiot? if you ever read this and understand it, good for you, if not, too bad coz your skull is too thick to be penetrated, or brain too dense for that matter. Guess what, you shall never be successful in whatever mission you are on, and you are going to fail miserable. All because of your ignorance, unable to see the whole picture of whatever that's going on now, selfish-ness and craziness to want to prove someone wrong! Grow up! Whatever is going on now, is getting 'hotter' by the second, and no one wants any volcanoes to ever erupt. Your best friend is starting to say things that are not making sense nowdays, and you are already in the same boat! Everyone knows what is going on, wait till all the truth spills out, then we shall see who gets that last laugh...

@ 1329, 02072008, just can't wait for what is going to happen next... life is full of 'dramas'...

'Grand-rounds'

2008-07-02T12:59:00.002+08:00

What an experience, a total waste of time! Whatever they were doing in front, i have no clue, but this was a picture of whatever that was happening behind the scene.

'This idiot has been hogging him for so long. Should just ask him to hug him!'

'Better ask him to take him home!'

'Why not you pounce on one, i pounce on the other?'

'Hahahaha...'

'Is he ever going to stop?'

'Don't think so...'

'Darn sien. A total waste of time.'

'Those people are such busy-bodies.'

'They shouldn't be here in the forst place!'

'Dahlah crowded, samore kiasu. Stupid betul!'

These conversations went on and on till the so called ward-round ended. A total waste of time. Following like pavlov's dogs, can't hear a thing going on...

@ 1317, 02072008

'Grandfather' like...

2008-07-01T12:31:00.003+08:00

Or as J usually puts it, 'GOD-like'. Oh, he IS indeed a 'GOD-like' figure in our community. Just a mention of his name, everyone would go like...Ohhhh. Sarcastic is his middle name. Nevertheless, i do enjoy his sessions. It's amazing that he asks you questions that never crossed your mind, which indeed is related to a particular patient. After a session, just feel AWESOME...

When put in the 'hot-seat', i would just begin to babble nonsense. Which i myself do not understand. An example...

'The diagnosis is renal colic secondary to renal calculi'

'Can you put it in a more precise way?'

'Left renal colic secondary to left renal calculi'

'You know what? If you listen back to what you just said, i think you would think that you were funny' 'So, can colic occur at other places than the ureters?'

'Emm...can, like in the gut?'

'No la, in the ureter. Can other causes than stones cause colic?'

'No.'

'So, if your answer is no, then what is the diagnosis?'

'Ureteric colic?'

'Thank you.'

'Welcome.'

LOL!!! I almost killed myself after i said that! It's spinal reflex when i answered, nothing ever when through my brain! Gosh, i would not like to repeat that ever again. No one dared to argue with him that it could be renal colic, as in his context, there is no such thing as renal colic.

That's just through the camera, i just can't wait for his presence 'live'...

@1243, 01072008, tired, tired, tired...

Enjoy now, suffer later???

2008-06-30T20:37:00.002+08:00

That's exactly what you'll get for being a glutton. Actually, that only applies to me, in particular. After having such a super-duperly long and unproductive day, i was just tired, hungry, and sleepy. Straight to my favourite tom yam place in BP, 'ta pao-ed' a serving, got home, indulged with the company of 7-up. Heavenly indeed... till just 30 mins ago... There we go... out, out and only out... NONSTOP!!! Supposed to be fuel-ed up, ready for tomorrow, instead, i feel like DYING...

Im just going to snooze my way through the night, definitely try my best to do it. At times like this, i just wished that im home, in my confy bed, with a story book in hand, or just mum by my side, yakking nonstop. I really do miss those moments in life, especially, when you are alone at 'the end of the world' like place, depressed with life, tonnes of work to complete, datelines to meet... It's just ridiculous going through life like this everyday, which in the end, it would not matter, because all of us would just DIE!!! Ironically, everyone around is chaing their dreams, to the extent of 'killing' each other to get the best for oneself.

Currently, im just 'zonked' out! A new term that i shall be using more frequently, especially in the next month...

@ 2108, 30062008, last 3 hours of June, welcome, JULY...

'Jual ikan' anyone???

2008-06-23T21:31:00.002+08:00

Didn't ever your mother teach you never to 'sell-fish'? I just can't stand people who behave as so. Unfortunately, more than 50% of the people that we mingle with every single day are like that. What a sad state. Why, must you just keep the best for yourself, even it's just the tiniest matter ever, when it could benefit everyone else, without any harm to you? Would it kill you to just share whatever benefits with others?

Why can't you bring joy to this world? Where eveyone has an equal fair share of whatever it is? The part that i do not get is that you decide to share it with certain, particular people, who are never to be involved in the first place?

Oh, go on, call me a sore thumb, i don't give a damn. But, there are people out there who are. Anyways, i always believed that 'WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND'! In the end of the day, you can't win it all. It's never made so. So, i'll just watch the show that's 'playing in theateres' soon...

@ 2151, 23062008... oh, grow up!

Blues...

2008-06-22T19:22:00.002+08:00

There we go again. Complaints about being depressed and homesick. I've caught the blues. Im downright sad most of the time, not even my favourite meals can cheer me up. I've been lethargic the entire day, snoozing for almost 14 hours, doing nothing other than procrastinating! I've wasted more than 24 hours, which time is supposed to be valueble to me nowdays.

Im just not being myself. Maybe the loss of my other half has taken a toll on me. I just miss him dearly. I mean, i don't think i can live without him. I can't stop thinking of him, wondering about what he's doing this very moment, if he has had his meals, if he has been sleeping well... GOSH, I AM GOING MAD!

I can't wait for the next few days to pass. I just can't wait to go home. I'll go nuts if i stay at this place for another week. I'm already at the verge of suicide, but, it's consequences seems to outweight it's benefits. At times, i do wish that i could just die this very moment, if life was that easy...

@ 1930, 22062008... It's the begining of the last posting tomorrow, where has my past 15 weeks gone???

Call from home...

2008-06-21T09:40:00.002+08:00

'Whatya going to do if you do not get the offer?' That was the opening sentence. It was 0745, on a saturday morning, what do you expect me to do at that time, other than being in a sleepy state. It then went on and on and on... 'i talked to dad yesterday night... He feels this.... feels that... And ended with... Im so sorry that i woke you up. You had a late night yesterday? Oh, it's saturday, how come you're still in bed? No classes today?' LOL!!!

Al least she got everything off her chest (i hope that at least would last for the time being, till i get home next week). All i did in the entire conversation was grunting and answer ya ya ya. I could hardly hold the phone in my hand. If not because of that particular ring tone that i get when i receive a call from home, i wouldn't had even answered the call in the first place.

She's just worried. Worried sick if i would add to it. I know she meant well. At least hoping that it would all turn out to be the best for me. Though being brought up being independent and all, i know that they're still watching over my back all the time. It's fine by me, as long as the final decisions are still in my hands. But, at times, it's just so hard to explain things over and over and over again, when they just seem not to get the whole picture. All these craziness has ben going on for months now (since feb this year), was then interrupted in between, and yet, now it's back to haunt me.

Next week would not be an easy week for me. Trust me, there would be plentiful of discussion session, explaining matters over and over again. For the time being, im just drained and swarmed with all these...

@ 0952, 21062008, it's just begining of the weekend, feels like the end already... GOSH...

Ulcer???

2008-06-20T14:15:00.004+08:00

'Eat to live, or, live to eat?'

Which would be more appropriate. Im the live to eat kindda person. Nowdays, it hardly makes a difference whether i do consume the so called 'food' or not. Whatever that goes in, definitely comes out. The best part is when whatever goes in, it causes a tummy ache which seems to be worse. I've a feeling in cumin down with an ulcer or something, coz it does hurt tremendously when i start eating, but if i don't, it hurts as well.

No worries. Im still alive anyway. As long as it does not decide to bleed or perforate, fine by me. But, please do give me a break sometimes. There are times that i would love to be 'pain free'. Meal-wise, since it hurts whether i take in anything or not, forget the TDS regime then. I'll just stick to my usual, EAT ON DEMAND...

@ 1421, 20062008, a whole day of briefings and de-briefings, another at 1500, DARN!

Dumps...

2008-06-19T19:28:00.003+08:00

Im back into the dumps. Don't ask why. Just did not feel good after waking up just now. Im so lazy to even sit up to type in this post! There are so many things in my mind right now, im swarmed with ideas, information, problems, choices to be made...

Maybe im just homesick. I've yet to call home after a week to total 'non-communication' with anyone at home. Im longing to call home, yet, im reluctant to do so. Leading such an aimless life, i've given up in making decisions.

Im just not being myself. Lost my appetite altogether. Something is wrong. Deep inside. But, i don't know what. It drives me nuts when i get into the dumps, with no good reason behind it. Maybe i'll make the call home later, maybe i'll should just stop thinking, maybe i should just lead a simple life like others, maybe i should just be myself, maybe it's time to give up, maybe i should just talk to someone... Maybe, maybe, maybe... Never-ending of maybe's... Nevertheless, one thing is for sure, life is full of possiblities, which leads to the intractable number of choices to be made, leading to the uncertainty that we go through every day...

@ 1944, 10062008, maybe im just hungry...

Choices...

2008-06-19T13:26:00.002+08:00

The sea of options are so vast. Overwhelming till im drowning. I've reached my breaking point till i don't even know what is my purpose in life. I don't even know what i want to do after i graduate. Plans, plans, plans... Never-ending plans. One after the other, if plan A dosen't work out, then move on to plan B. You know what? IM really SICK of thinking about it.

Had a rather intriguing conversation earlier. In the end of the day, it all boils down to 4 crucial factors...

1. income
2. workload
3. ease of securing a definite position
4. family

So, which comes first? Prioritisation, another aspect which i suck at big time. I don't think that income and workload would be a problem for me. Im definitely torn between family and the ease of securing a definite position. I DON'T KNOW. I don't know what's going on in my life this moment, i don't know what im thinking most of the time. Why can't i just be like everyone else, and get absorbed into the government system? Why can't i just lead a simple, un-intresting, un-stressful life? Why must there be so many decisions and choices to be made? Why? Why? Why?

In the end of the day, i do know that these would be the fruits of my labour. But, for now, i am really sick of listening to what other people say, especially from someone who plays an important role in my life. I don't think i can take it anymore. I felt that i should had deferred. Im really starting to regret it now. It's too late though, and i have to live with the consequences. I definitely do not want to make another similiar mistake in the near future. I don't think that im ready to go out there and face life now. I need a break... A long long long long long break......

@ 1344, 19062008, what would you do??? What should i do???

Makan makan...

2008-06-18T13:16:00.003+08:00

Though 3 out of the 5 of us are outcasts, we all have 1 thing in common, i.e. makan-makan. Everyday, the conversations which takes place in the wards consists mainly on FOOD! Then, its sure to be followed by an early lunch break if we managed to 'escape' from the 'jail cell'.

Now, fully loaded with french fries and a banana pie, its time to pay snoozieland a visit. Im totally drained after pouring through the journals on IUGR yesterday night, and that was actually considered a portfolio with 'some minor corrections'! LOL! It took me another 6 hours to get it done! So called minor corrections. I wonder how long the others took to 'correct' theirs.

In the end of the day, it just boils down to me being the perfectionist. I can't rush through things. Even if i do so, i'll have to go through it again and again and again. It's just a bad habit which i seem not being able to shrug off. It's funny that i'll finally let it be when the time is up, but then only to start regretting of not doing a better job, when i've already tried my best. At times i feel that im just being too harsh on myself, but without the displine, i don't think i'll be standing here typing what im doing right now.

@ 1322, 18062008... another session at 1600, DARN!

What's worth? What's not?

2008-06-17T16:58:00.004+08:00

I tend to get my dose of 'EUPHORIA' towards the end of every posting, especially when there's the portfolio review and feedback sessions. I've done it again this time, WELL... with minor corrections. Im just glad and relieved that all these are over, and most importantly, O&G is coming to an end. Can't wait to start surgery next week, last posting though, meaning these would be the last 5 weeks in my entire life being a medial student! I am so not prepared to be released into the world of 'real' medicine soon, wished that it woud take another 5 years, or more, i dont mind. Im no looking foward to go out there to work, especially in a world which would be unforgiving at times, surrounded by nasty people from all walks of life.

This would be the time to ask myself whether whatever i went thought the past 5 years was worth it. All the failures in the begining, tears shed most of the time, tantrums thrown while i get so so fed-up of reading all those stuff that never made any sense at that time. If you asked me, med school was never an easy journey for me, especially each time sitting for exams. I am so used of failing till i have lost almost all my confidence when i go in for exams. And guess what, the confidence that you see in me right before going to exams, well, that's definitely not me! Though smiling and giggly prior to it, deep inside, im strugling to keep my senses together. Defence mechanism, like what they call it. It's as if a stab wound that would never heal, after my first failure in sem 1. I'll never forget the moments that i went through after getting my results, had to re-study 'everything' in that 2 weeks, worrying about mum being in the hospital at that time. I was really lucky to manage to scrape through it, then when sem 3 with the viva, oh god. I never knew that i would had passed. I still remembered clearly that when i told my mum i had to go for viva, she din't even know that it was for borderline viva, which determines a pass of fail. You'll never imagine what i go through everytime before the viva list comes out from then on. It's as if im having a 'heart attack'. I hardly breath, with the diaphoresis and palpitations... UNIMAGINABLE...

Though life in clinical school was 'fun', a.k.a freaking tough! It was the reading and memorizing that's killing me now, as im more of a 'common sense' kinda person. Come to think of it, clinical school life in BP ain't that bad after all. I've somehow managed to regain my confidence which i've lost along the past 5 years, though at times i now feel that i should just 'shut up'. Life has been pretty nasty the past few months here, nevertheless, i should thank my lucky stars that i've pulled though it. Although the next few weeks would not be an easy ride as well, but, i'm sure i'll make it through ALIVE. I know i will. It's just that i'll never know the results of it yet, as it would all be revealed in August.

I guess for now life just goes on, as it is. I am certainly grateful to all the kind souls that i met along this journey, which we call them as 'guardian angels'. I do believe their existence, and everyone is at a particular place at a particluar time for a purpose.

@ 1720, 17062008... blogging overdose for now...

2008-06-17T12:41:00.003+08:00

"A good set of bowels is worth more to a man than any quantity of brains" - Josh Billings

"Man should strive to have his intestines relaxed all the days of his life" - Moses Maimonides

"The colon is the playing field for all human emotions" - Cyrus Kapadia

Was flipping through one of the books, when i came across these quotes at the front page of the gastrointestinal system. I do agree with the quotes above, after having 'ill-behaved' bowels for such a long time, at times i would just like to 'yank' it ALL OUT! Im just not myself today, after having the day off yesterday, then back to wards once again after almost a week of break, im just being crappy.

But, i couldn't agree more with Cyrus. It's definitely true that how your bowels behave that particular day, that would be exactly how the person would. Maybe it's just not a good day for me today, i guess. Currently, its not only the bowels causing the mood swings, its more of the migranes which seems to be progressively getting worse each time i get it. Increasing in frequencies, durations and intensities. It's driving me nuts. I seem to be pumping in whatever i can get my hands on, from PCM to naproxen to celebrex. Im at the verge of going nuts with these pounding headaches. Most of the time its as if its going to explode, but, it just dosen seem to! Being short tempered and moody nowadays, anything small matter would just tick me off...

@ 1251, 17062008, i need a break, before i go nuts...

The 'un-EVENTFUL' wkend...

2008-06-16T10:46:00.006+08:00

Drained... I am. After such a long long long weekend... At least we have today off. Thanks to some BLARDY BITCH, who did not confirm the existence of vc this morning, forced us to pull our butts out of bed, went there, got EVERYONE (including the leturer) PISSED, when there was so called 'MISCOMMUNICATION'! How much more irresponsible could she had been??? And there she goes, snoozing confortably in her bed, not knowing whatever that has happened, coz she was NOT IN THIS PARTICULAR GROUP. Wait till i get my hands on her neck tomorrow morning!

The super-duperly long and un-anticipating weekend has passed, now its back to portfolios and wards. Had pretty much fun though, not considering the side effects of un-describable fatigue and aches everywhere. Played my usual role, brough cheer to the kids there, made new friends, i sort of enjoyed myself. Indulged in continouos supply of 'kampong' delicacies, treated as if we were at home by the villages... Let the pictures do the talking...

@1153, 16062008, there are many more photos, but, its just taking too long to load up the photos...

Back from the dead...

2008-06-13T19:22:00.002+08:00

Literally... Almost died after the 'longest day in my life'. It was as if never ending. One after the other, continuously, with only 'loo breaks' in between. Lost all appetite, hardly had the time to eat, actually. At least its partially over for now, only with more to come.

Depressingly back in BP, stuck here for the weekend. How i just wished to get an MC and 'get the hell out of here' right now! Thanks to a COMPULSORY TO ATTEND community project, which i would indefinetely fail this semester if i fail to participate in it. What to do, its not like i have a choice... DUH!!!

Anyways, i shall go there, be my usual self, and 'clown' around!! Haha, there we go again, i shall repeat what i did almost a year ago. Just hope that i still do remember how to 'twist those balloons'. Forgotten whatever i learnt last time round, tonight shall be last minute practice for me...

@ 1939, 13062008, argghh, a migrane is on the way... just can feel it coming...

Lub Dub Dub Dub...

2008-06-09T15:05:00.002+08:00

That's all that i could hear the entire night! Pounding migrane, with an icepack covering my entire face, overloaded with painkillers, nose stuffed up till i could hardly breathe, tummy growling incessantly, how on earth could i sleep? I finally tired out at about 5am, where i jumped out of bed at 0730. Almost did not make it for clinic session, i could barely stand straight.

'Zombie look' as usual, managed to survive through the entire morning with prof N. Migrane is coming back, i can feel the 'aura' as it returns. Oncall once again tonight. Im so so sick of O&G. Maybe i shall just go there and sleep my way through the entire night, after all im preparing for the long drive tomorrow.

I just don't get my tummy these days. It seems to be behaving progressively worse! It just dosen't get satisfied with whatever its given, be it food or lomotil. It's 'immune' to almost everything that gets poured in, only then to 'spit' everything out once more. Im at the verge of losing my mind. Crazziness, which i call it, especially adapting to YOUR OWN TUMMY. Nowdays it's no more mind over tummy, but, TUMMY OVER MIND.

It's going to be snoozieland for now... If i manage to pass thru the first stage, which is FALLING ASLEEP...

@ 1520, 09062008... my head is going to blow!!!

Playful???

2008-06-08T12:07:00.001+08:00

Was rather moody when i got up this morning. Nevertheless, this clip did cheer me up, because it reminds me of myself at times, when i find mischieve, in everything i do.

@ 1206, 08062008, darn, my cravings are back to haunt me!

Retail therapy...

2008-06-07T19:31:00.002+08:00

It's KILLS! Especially when you are superbly depressed and had a really bad day. Went out with the intention of stocking up on Lomotil, instead of spending a mere Rm2, I ended up spending RM370! Gosh, its cut-throat i tell you. I've been keeping my eyes out for this particular kindda watch, and i found it at 15% off today. I just could not resists the temptations, and with a wallet loaded with cash, this is the consequence that i paid for...

I've spent almost half of my monthly allowance in just 1 hour. This means no more cravings satisfied, all meals at home, no more splurging on junk food! It's going to be a lesson learnt. But, knowing me, i'll end up in another spree next month when im depressed once more.

@ 1935, 07062008... Just could not resist it...

Cats & dogs...

2008-06-07T09:50:00.003+08:00

Pouring outside, ted stuck in the room without his morning walk! What a pity that we snoozed till it started raining. Darn hungry, i just don't get my tummy these days. It keeps growling non-stop, be it empty or full, but a different kinda growl, of course. Im just not being myself. Cravings at unearthly hours, waking up with migranes and tummy aches, ending up eating nothing most of the time... I think my gut has had enough nonsense, for all it has gone through. I've a feeling soon my tummy is just going to give up and stop working altogether. How i wished that that moment would be right now.

Going to have a tough next few weeks, continuous activities, fully occupied weekends. One event after the other, till the exit viva in august, it shall be a 'roller coaster' ride. At least im not so so depressed this morning when i got up, and its all because ITS A SATURDAY and I DON'T HAVE TO STONE IN THE WARD! Thank heavens.

@ 1000, 07062008, shall i just let it go to waste???

Lousy, lousy...

2008-06-06T07:26:00.003+08:00

Its just like any other morning where you wake up and not feel like yourself. Depressed, lousy, just not in the mood to do anything. All i want is just to leave this *%^ing place and GO HOME! My mood swings are back to haunt me, migrane getting worse than ever eventhough im getting more than enough sleep, bowels so haywire till nothing works anymore. IM STRESSED OUT! AT A BREAKING POINT!

From now on, these rantings shall go on and on and on, at least till the end of july, till almost everything has settled down, except for the 'one chance only' to pass exam in August. Oh, i don't know, every little thing just stressed me out nowdays (what time to go to the hosp, what to do there, if my beds are empty, whether there's a session later today, what im going to have for dinner, what time to take ted for a walk...)

Oh, I DON'T KNOW. I guess im just BURNT OUT after 3 weeks of O&G, or is it because the 'end' is so near yet so far? I feel as though i need to talk to someone, but yet, i can't seem to open up to anyone around. Be it a stranger or a friend, it dosen't work on me. It never does. I can't call mum to tell her what's going on with me right now, she would be worried sick, or she wouldn't be bothered much as she always thinks that 'i can handle things'. I honestly have no idea where she gets all the confidence that she has on me, when i DON'T EVEN HAVE IT MYSELF!

These are the times that i wished that life were that simple. Wake up, spend the entire day doing whatever i like, then go to bed with no worries in mind...

@ 0745, 06062008, i've had enough of life...

No second chances...

2008-06-05T20:45:00.003+08:00

Was counting my days earlier this afternoon, realized something which i failed to realise long long time ago. Im just going to get 'one-shot' at it this time, no second chances. Im literally 'freaking-out' this moment, at the verge to contemplating suicide. Stress levels now are of the 'un-imaginable'. Regrets are starting to pour in, but of no use. It's too late now to cry over spilled milk. All i can do now is to 'make the best' out of whatever i have left, and PRAY EXTREMELY HARD!

Most of the things in life are a 'once in a lifetime' chance event. This time round, it's no different. Honestly, whatever 'life changing events' that are bout to happen these few months down the road, there would be 'no return ticket'. Whatever that's ever going to happen, is going to happen, just how that i would make the 'best out of it'. It's going to be an extremely 'short' next few months, with tonnes of critical decisions to be made, which would affect my future altogether. I sincerely hate these moments in life, never had to go through it before in this contexts. When everything is laid out and options given, it's not that simple to decide. There's no more 'going back' to where it all began. That staged has passed a 'long time' ago, and it's time to move on. No more procrastinating, no more being a kid, it's time to GROW UP!

Gosh, im so not ready to face life at this moment. Im driving myself nuts, i don't think that i can handle all these 'craziness' at this moment. Im still an immature soul, waiting to discover one-self. I've yet to pass through that phase. It's like i have to grow up in 2 months, after all i've not been 'growing up' for the past 24 years! Where the hell has it all gone to? Im definitely not ready to face whatever that's going to be thrown to me be it now, or in a couple of months time...

@ 2101, 05062008, i don't think i can take it anymore...

Change of heart...

2008-06-03T16:20:00.003+08:00

Being in week 3 of O&G, it's causing me to have a change of heart. Don't get me wrong, IM NEVER SPECIALIZING IN O&G. After conducting deliveries for the past 2 weeks, it got me thinking that no matter what, everyone should be given an equal chance of survival. I've been given the golden opportunity to witness the 'gift of life' miracle, and yet, had the chance to see with my own eyes the totally different outcomes of a supposedly happy event awaiting antipication. From spontaneously 'crying their lungs out' babies, to babies born with an apgar score of 0 at 1 minute, 4 at 5 minutes and 9 at 10 minutes, to a term fetus ending up as a case of intrauterine demise. I guess this just completes the whole cycle of life & death, which seems to be never ending in this world.

I still have not given up on being an orthopod per se, but would now certainly consider an entire spectrum of a different speciality. Dealing with infants whom i deem as innocent and deserve a chance of being alive, anxious parents a chance of loving and nurturing a living child instead of taking it back for a funeral, miracles awaiting to happen. Nevertheless, it would be a speciality which outcomes would be not predictable most of the time, just do your best, and leave it in the hands of their kamma.

Other than being TIRED ALL THE TIME, wasting my mornings in the wards being a zombie, i am starting to enjoy myself. It's mainly the teaching sessions that i enjoy, as its rather beneficial, and although i am tired, i still gain something from these session. Doing overnight calls that require you to stand all the time is killing me, stoning in the wards in a standing position is killing me, in conclusion, BOTH MY LEGS ARE KILLING ME! They're aching bad, accompanied with nasty gastronemous cramps ocuring hourly, soles hurting like hell...

@ 1724, 03062008, i could go on complaining some more...

The countdown begins...

2008-06-02T18:50:00.001+08:00

With a week to go, there i am back in square one once more. I've forgotten everything i tried to pump in in the past few weeks. Thanks to the 'crazy' portfolio marathons that i've been having the past 2 weeks. At least those are settled for now. Tonight onwards my nights shall be different, no more the 'procrastinating through games' all night longs, no more 'heaven in snoozieland'. I've got less that a week to pump in as much as i can. Time is running short!

Gosh, on call again tonight. Im really getting sick of this routine. It's all because i have better things to do than waste my time in the DS. It's pretty sickening if it is empty, but tiring if it is full. I guess nothing is best, other than just lazing at home doing nothing. NOTHING BEATS THAT FOR SURE!

@ 1908, 02062008... Leaving soon... IM so LAZY...

Never ending conversations...

2008-06-01T22:04:00.002+08:00

All i did this weekend... Yak and yak and yakked my way through it! I've completed my quota for the next two weeks in a duration of 2 days!

Conversation 1: (this was in mandarin)

'Wah, you lost weight!'

'No la. How are you? Haven't met you for so long?'

'Really la, you lost weight since the last time i saw you.'

After the hug...

'How come you are so thin now???'

Conversation 2:

'So, i want it this way and that.'

'Cannot lah.'

'U sure bo? If canot then i don't want to friend you already!'

'Eh, since when i became like that? I've never seen this side of you before...'

Conversation 3:

'How's your diarrhea?'

'Mmm. Still like that la.'

'You meant the same, better or worse?'

'Same la. No difference. Still like that.'

'Eh, already more than 2 years already le. You should have got used to whatever you are doing now. It shouldn't be a problem.'

'Haha. Yeah.' I ended it with a grunt...

'Hey, it's not a laughing matter. If it's still like that after so long, you better find out what's wrong!'

So these are just parts of the conversations, which i could remember. I guess the rest of the time i was not doing the yakking. Im dog tired, dying to go to bed. Just finished up my second portfolio. About to print it out now for submission tomorrow. At least it's a half day for me, no VC in the afternoon! Hooray! Sadly, im oncall once again at night... Arggh. There goes another night's sleep lost...

@ 2219, 01062008, oh no, it's JUNE!

Clinicians vs academicians

2008-05-30T04:04:00.002+08:00

It was only not long ago that i started to appreciate the work of clinicians. All the sessions with them, in the end of the day, it all boils down to 'how u think'. That simple! Had 2 rather intuiging session today, procrastinating through this morning's.

Was having a discussion session about ectopic pregnancies and all, when i came out with this 'enlightening idea'. I actualy blurted out:

'Can we take the fertilised egg from the tubes and implant it into the uterus?'

The respond given... 'where did you hear that story from?'

'Aaaaa, it was just an idea...'

'Common, im sure you heard it from somewhere before. I never knew that 'this news' was ever exposed to public before.'

She then told us the entire story whatever that happened in the medical field, that it was proven that it was 'imagined', and that his mind was of a madman.

A. turned to me and said 'OMG, you have a mind of ...'

'This is the result of LACK OF SLEEP!' I need to sleep, BADLY...

I shall not repeat myself but i can't help it, that I DO HATE O&G. It's just that i don't enjoy this posting a bit. I feel that it is a waste of time to 'go & stone' so early in the morning. I do not mind if i have something productive to do, but then... WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO THERE other than STAND at the bedside STONING? It's rude to stand in front of a patient for so long not talking to her, it's rude to sit the the specially allocated sofa's in the wards, it's rude to sit on the patient's chair next to her bed not talking to her, it's rude to 'hog' the nurse station or pantry... So, WHERE THE HELL are we supposed to be? Theoretically, OUT OF EVERYONE's WAY!

At times, i just do not get the system of wasting time. It goes on EVERY SINGLE MORNING. At least the late morning and afternoon sessions are rather beneficial. Today, we learnt how to put the pieces of a complex puzzle together, ensuring that there is a myriad possibilities to a achieve a diagnosis, and that medicine was NOT THAT STRAIGHTFOWARD at times after all.

A sigh of relief that it's finally friday tomorrow, AND IM GOING HOME! Superly duperly YAY! I need the break. Still half way through my 2nd portfolio, which the datelines happens to be delayed till monday. I've got all the info i need, im just so so lazy right now to put it into words. Gosh, it's 0422 and my cravings for hot milo and mamak goreng starts right now...

@ 0423, 30052008, end of the month... So soon???

Luck... Good or bad???

2008-05-28T21:46:00.003+08:00

No idea how to put it. Post call today, went to wards at 0730. Walked in, 6 beds full. Ironic thing was that the patients that i had yesterday we all apparently 'transferred' to someone elses beds! I had a whole set of 'fresh' cases, ironically again all with GDM! Was just complaining to someone the other day that i never clerked a case of GDM, and viola, ALL 6 beds had GDM, on the same morning.

Did my rounds with 'super speed'. Hoping that prof N would not show up so early. That lady decided to come in at 0900, did her 'quick' rounds with the HO's and MO's, then with us. Of all cases... SHE PICKED MY BED!!! OMG! I freaked. My history was super duperly summarised, PE just a touch and go. Anyhow, i still presented. Honestly speaking, she was really nice. I've learnt tonnes from her (coz im the lazy kind who do not read up on anyting in O&G for that matter). So far im still not in trouble with her, hoping of staying away of it anyhow. She's dedicated to teach, which i can say for sure, open to questions anytime. It's more of application of what we already know, and how to put it into the context of each individual patient. At least i can't say that her sessions aren't beneficial...

Went for the 'extreme' tom yum for lunch, then post-call snoozieland in the afternoon. My instincts were right, i had a session with Dr K after Dr L's class! The best part is that i only knew it AFTER the session at 1730, only to receive a message... "Sorry not to tell you earlier that we had a session with DrK after the Kg angkat meeting. Anyway all the post call ppl did not show up, he din't ask. If he asks u tomolo pls tell him u r post call." HOW IRONIC! I almost fell off my bed when i read that text! Honestly speaking, if i knew about the session, i would not have gone. Im still so 'zonked' out at this moment...

@ 2158, 28052008...

Gila-kah???

2008-05-28T05:56:00.003+08:00

Try doing 2 overnight calls in 4 days... 1 call every alternate day... Gosh... My feet are killing me. At least i had stuff to do tonight. Busy from 8pm till 1am, when things were just about to settle down... There the show starts again, picking up at 4am! Conducted 2 deliveries tonight, theoretically i've completed my quota of 5, practically only 4, coz my first ever, i was just an assistant (yet to get the signature for that from dr F), still 3 more calls to go, that can wait...

Finally today was not a day for primids to come in. My first was a para 2, second a PARA 9! Super-grand-multi-para! My gosh, the baby just 'poped out' after i did the VE! The baby girl was so so cute, all the staff nurses fell in love with her, even volunteered to adopt her. Nevertheless, the mum mentioned that some aunt of hers already 'booked' the child!

IM so dreading tomorrow. Someone is back after 1 1/2 weeks of leave, which means we would definitely have a session with him in the afternoon. Darn! Im post call, i don't think i'll show up anyway. For once i can say that im starting to enjoy this posting, with Prof N's sessions and all. She's sort of a nice lady, but, if she has other intentions behind our back, that's another story. Looong day tomorrow, be in the wards by 0730, stone there till 1145, the back to imu for a session with prof N, session with dr L, then ...

@ 0617, 28052008... Another long day... Why are my nights so short???

Post...

2008-05-26T17:46:00.002+08:00

Postcall... PostVC... Post-portfolio submission... Post-functioning in DS... PostCFCS...

Finally my 'superly-duperly' looooong week came to an end. Im just drained yet i can't fall asleep, im so tired till im nauseous most of the time, my migrane would be coming back anytime soon, feet killing, the stupid 'waterwerks' dysfunctioning again...

Im just full of complaints. List them out one by one and it'll never end. Just taking things at a time now. I NEED A BREAK! INDEED, THIS VERY MOMENT! Catching a movie later with KY, do hope that it would be a good one. We shall see what GSC in BP has in store for us.

Honestly, im deteriorating. Physically, functionally, psychologically, neurologically... EVERY-SYSTEM-cally... Or maybe it's known as ageing? Haha, don't dream. Nothing just happens overnight. It's time to go seek help, from my other half (if you ever understand what i mean). Seeking help from the other realm, which i actually do not believe in it the first place. Not that i do not believe in it's existance, but if it would be of any help at all! Maybe it's time to go seek 'professional' help? From those people which i happen to 'mingle' with on a daily basis? There are so many choices, which makes it even tougher to decide. Guess what? In the end of the day... I, as usual, would decide NOT to do anything about it, let it pass as if it never happened, only to haunt me once again when i flares up. Im so sick of it 'flaring up' whenever it likes to... Shouldn't it be my choice of when it should instead? WAIT & SEE POLICY? Don't worry, i won't 'DIE' so easily...

@ 1809, 26052008, just had to pass the time... DOING NOTHING, OF COURSE...

4 more to go...

2008-05-25T14:22:00.002+08:00

Finally completed 1 in an 11 hour marathon. My butt hurts after having sitting down for so so long! It's crap doing on a topic that you hardly get the gist of it, furthermore it's on the subject that i hate most. At least its done for now...

Another to go for next week. Oncall once more tonight. I don't think i've recouperated enough since the last call, coz since then i've not been sleeping at night. Sleeping by day, how am i ever going to survive the entire next week? I'll be in prof N's ward, where we 'really' gotta cover all our beds, and she does her rounds every day! Oh gosh, there goes my opportunity of taking a break after being an entire week in the labour suite!

Im just drained for now. With the exams coming up pretty soon, yet to get the facts pumped into the thick skull of mine, time is running out!!!

@ 1426, 25052008, post portfolio marathon...

Primid's...

2008-05-23T05:45:00.003+08:00

There's something going on with me and primid's. More of kiling two birds with one stone. Conducted an SVD in the morning, assisted in LSCS at night. Ironically, both were primid's. My feet are just killing me right now. Though totaly drained out, i can't seem to fall asleep. Im feeling as if now im the 'primid' going for a viva in 2 1/2 hrs time, and i know nuts about my patient. I just feel that this past 2 years went down the drain just like that. Not worth all the visits we paid him, all the effort we got him to see the doctor...

Been asking around how CFCS has been like, these are the responses:

1. Oh, it's just for formality purposes.
2. It's the first taste of how your exit viva would be like.
3. Everyone will surely pass, don't worry.
4. Everyone that went in Dr ??? room was giggling their way through.
5. Common, it's already pre-marked and pre-graded.
6. Nah, it's nothing la.

How i wish if it were that simple. My neurons sort of shut down almost 12 hours ago. It's all tangled up in a big mess. I can't even walk a straight line now. If i collapse on the bed, im sure to sleep throught the entire CFCS exam. I can't aforrd to take the risk. After all the effort i put in the past 2 years, it all boils down to this day...

@ 0558, 23052008, i better not be mumbling nonsense later...

Bundle of joy...

2008-05-21T13:23:00.003+08:00

More of trouble, thorn sticking onto your flesh kind of thing. It's just day 2 of O&G, and IM REALLY SICK OF IT! I hate the whole routine of going to the labour room wee hours of the morning, hanging around like an idiot not doing a thing, then attending classes which i surely doze off in the afternoon, the not-so-looking-foward-to overnight call tomorrow, the stupid portfolios once again when i've yet to get a case...

The joy in the parents eyes when their child is born... An event in life too miraculous to be put into words. So far things have been going pretty well around the labour room these past 2 days, all SVD's (which includes abdominal CPR practically on every case) have been smooth. Most of the nurses there have been nice to us, including the doctors. Maybe im yet to meet the 'nasty' one that everyone is talking about.

I just hate this posting. I guess its just not my forte. Although the miracle of life and all, i don't seem to appreciate it all. Maybe im just drained out after the holidays. Im tired all the time, insomnic at night (hardly slept the past 2 nights, early awakenings, tossing and turning in bed...)!

@ 1332, 21052008, i just want all of these to end soon...

Another 10 weeks...

2008-05-20T07:29:00.002+08:00

Welcome back to HELL!!! Stuck in a posting which i hate, with a super duper busy schedule the next month, another 5 more portfolios to go, yet another anticipation with 'red head' (IN PERSON) this thurs or friday, my 1st ever overnight call this thursday...

Back to reality. After living in the clouds for the entire past week. It my turn now to face the 'bullfrog'. At least this is only a 4 day week, thanks to the public holiday. And since today we are only expected to show up at 0830... Haha, which makes my lifespan in the labour room shorter!

Im so not looking foward to the life in O&G the next 5 weeks. One of the subjscts that i dislike most, but, still gotta pull through it. The 1 and only thing that im really looking foward to, is if the 'old man' shows up here in BP. The meeting would be sweet indeed! More of fun which i anticipate, with all the cracked up jokes that he makes, at everyone's expense. As long as you don't let it stab your heart, that would do.

CFCS back to haunt once more. The viva's are like in 48 hours time, and im still BLUR about whatever's going on! Honestly, i don't even know what to read up for! Had a chat with my 'partner' yesterday, and both of us are in the same pair of shoes, which we better now screw it up during the viva! Both equally blur, both no idea what to do, and to admit, both of us have NO IDEA how is Mr H doing right now! If one of us screws up, i guess the other would to, as 'teamwork' it's all about, since the very begining. This school of mine is weird, if they ever wanted it to be teamwork in the first place, why not let us choose our own partners? We definitely work better with the people which we choose, instead of them pre-allocating our partners for us. Which by the way they did a really good job out of it, as 'the pairs' were a perfect match, 'dr jackyl & mr hyde'. LOL!!!

@ 0746, 20052008... over the clouds no more...

Familiar???

2008-05-16T14:21:00.003+08:00

Sweet smell of seremban air! I can't believe that im really typing this statement. I've missed it so so much for the past 10 weeks!!! Not the air, doink's. The environment. I've actually learned to like the IMU like setting there in sban for the past 2 years, without even realizing it! When i stepped out of my car this morning... Everything was just so familiar. The guards were as friendly as always, the cleaners were staring at me as if i was a ghost from the past or something, sister T was shocked to meet me at the elevator...

I missed eveything here, the people, the building, even the hospital. Nothing could be worse than being down south even more! Thank goodness im going to be there only for the next 10 weeks, after that, good riddence!

Managed to meet up with a few juniors along the way, much catching up to do. It seems like the teachings in sban are still yet the same, but those people are more intrested to know more about BP. I gave them a picture of 'hell' where there is nothing else to do other than stay at home and rot! Honestly, if you think sban is bad, BP is 1001% worse. The food sucks, the drivers suck, the weather suck, the imu building suck, the fascilities suck, i can't even name something good!

Hilariously, Dr Z was so intrested to know why i actually drived down all the way from KL just to get my portfolio. Repeatedly she asked me: 'Are you sure you are OK? Are you sure you do not have any further questions? You know what i mean, other than the portfolio...'

Ahem... Thanks for your concern but I AM OK. I have no idea what you have heard over the past 10 weeks, but, im FINE at the moment. If you really want to know what's wrong with me, the list is never ending. Im having a rather rough time now, coping mentally and physically. But, i think i really need a longer break. I think i deserve a longer break. Im not ready to go back to hell in 3 days time... Oh, HELP ME!!!

@ 1432, 16052008, curtesy of IMU library, sban clinical school...

Comfort zone...

2008-05-13T11:38:00.002+08:00

Eat well, sleep well, even breathe well... Well, that's just being in my comfort zone for sure! Been there since friday night, and how i wished that it would never end. Im so reluctant to go back to the 'out of this world', excruciatingly psychologically torturing place down south!

Im just so really enjoying being at home till nothing else bothers me no more. Although the gut it still ill-behaved, but, what the heck, just pump in the lomotil and get on with live. Yet to step out of the house to meet up with friends. Just spending the past few days catching up with my family after going through 10 weeks of hell. The good news that's just another 10 more weeks to go, 5 more portfolios to type, 1 cfcs viva coming up next week, 1 long case and 1 exit viva... Then, that's it. All my hard work this 5 years just ends like that!

Friday afternoon vc session was rather intresting. Haha, guess who decided to join 'red head'? Peanut! Of all people, the day that i decided to present a cardio case, a cardiologist decided to show up! At least i did not get screwed by either one of them, coz there were others who really got the boot. 'Red head' being her sarcastic self, 'peanut' quiet most of the time unless being 'consulted'. It was rather beneficial for me, coz they actually told me what would be asked in the final exams, as i guess both of them are in the 'board of examiners'.

Being home is fun fun fun 1001%, just that time passes really really fast here. Im so dreading the trip back to 'hellhole' on Monday...

@ 1148, 13052008, at last...

Today is here!!!

2008-05-09T08:29:00.002+08:00

Finally, today has come. After a gruelling wait for the past 2 1/2 weeks, i finally get to go home this evening. About 8 more hours to go. Im not bothered about whatever that's going to happen today. The only thing that im ever anticipating now is the long drive home later. Praying hard that the earliest that i can leave this freaking place would be 5pm, after the math, would reach home about 2030?

I can't wait to step in my house. I can't wait to just collapse on my bed. Although been travelling home so frequently the past 10 weeks, this time round, its just going to be a different experience altogether. I finally get to actually sit down, relax, no rushing off to somewhere without a proper rest...

@0843, 09052008, just can't wait...

HIGH...

2008-05-08T11:52:00.002+08:00

This what i would get after doping myself, with...

2 tabs PCM + 2 tabs naproxen + 2 tabs lomotil + 2 tabs stemetil

Newest cocktail in the market, plus 2 hours of nightmarish dreams, at least im able to lift my head up now. I went to the wards at 0800 this morning (surprising rite?), just to get my logbook signed by the sister. Nevermind that, i left at 0900, almost collapsing on my way home. Upon reaching home, searched for my stash of supplies, pumped it all in, collapsed on the bed till now.

I had dreams of lizards attacking me in my room, must be that lizard that i chased out the other day coming back to haunt me! Though eyes still oedematous, my temp has settled, bowel 'cooling' down, though the cramps do come occassionally, head 'thumping' is gone. Im just at the top of the world now. Have not felt 'so good' in days...

Something ironic happened today. I was 'checking out' the patient's BHT, in front of this nepalese guy. He came in for a fever of 6 days prior tp admission, been in the ward for 5. They suspcted him having malaria, but after 3 BFMP's, it was all negative. The ironic thing is that he's fever peaks at times like 12mn everyday, and he's well throughout the day. He was rather fed up with them keeping him for so long, before i even started talking to him, he asked

"Do they know what's wrong with me? Why do i keep getting the fever's? Can i go back to work?"

I, stunned, replied "honestly, the dr's here have no idea what's wrong with you, they thought it was malaria..."

"But, the blood test said it's not, right?"

"Yeah, i guess so. Now, i have no idea what they are thinking of. Why not wait for the big dr to come later and see what he says?"

Dissapointment was all clutered over his face. Come on, what else could i have done? Honestly, no one knows whats wrong with him, even an MO suggested that he had PUO, for more investigations!

This is why by hook or by crook im not going to see a dr anytime soon. Till the day that i really collapse...

@ 1210, 08052008, till then...

Hyperthermia??? Pyrexia???

2008-05-07T11:27:00.002+08:00

Which is the correct term? Or is it both the same? Argh, it dosen't matter. I've been PCM dependent for the at least the past 2 days. Tab PCM 1g QID. Sounds familiar? I've no choice. I've even tried the combination of 2 tabs PCM and 2 tab naproxen, at the same time. (which seems to do wonders by the way, to totally 'kong' me off for at least 4 hours straight!) That stupid pyrexic episodes of mine seem to 'emerge from the dead' once more. It usually comes at abt 3 in the morning, where i would just get a bath, pop in 2 tabs then try my best to enter snoozieland. I would the toss and turn in bed, trying my best to sleep, but the pounding headaches just do not stop. Figiting in bed till im drained out, by 7am i'll be so so lethargic. Talk about going the the wards! Barely lasting 4 hours, i'll have to take another dose at 7am, then snooze till bout 11am. Get out and get another shower, pop another 2 in, to last me till afternoon... The ironic part is that after 4pm, i get a fever no more, which seems to last till bout 10 to 11 at night, where i start popping the PCM's in once more.

Sheesh, that's have been my routine the past 2 days. Initially i thought i was just a 1 episode thing, but now it seems to be prolonged. I better get well before friday, coz im not going to spend my entire holiday week being sick!

@ 1139, 07052008, argh, it's back...

Sheer laziness...

2008-05-06T11:01:00.002+08:00

What a waste of time when you've gotta stay back here doing absolutely nothing, coz Dr V aint around till friday. The 1 thing that i really miss is his classes though. All his teachings, be it bedside or in the classroom. Honestly since i stepped into med school, he is the only person who succeeds in getting the message through to the thick skull of mine. I truly enjoyed every session we had with him. Stress was never a factor. I had the chance to be myself, to think aloud, to voice out opinions (ouch, i was supposed to 'shut up' after the last posting). Nevermind that, because, for once, i enjoyed medicine. Not that i like the topic per say, but definetly all thumbs up for the teaching and thinking processes.

It's just tuesday... Darn. Why is time passing so slowly? I can't wait for this week to be over and done with, as quickly as possible. It's miserable passing on day by day with nothing to do (it's just that im not in the mood to do anything, but tonnes to be done!). Im so lazy to get my butt to the wards, coz there would be no anticipation of a teaching session later that day. Im so lazy to flip the books open to be read. Im so lazy to go through the portfolios and journals to prepare for this friday's session. Im even so lazy to drive back to KL this friday! Even the thought of the journey makes me miserable. Imagine driving alone, plus the super long journey, which would be even more BORING!!!

What can i say? Im just to blessed with every good thing in life. I should stop complaining, get out of the lazy couch, and start working my way to who i want to become...

@ 1113, 060508, just woke up... heavenly indeed...

MoRoN's...

2008-05-05T20:33:00.002+08:00

Don't these people ever stop? They keep going on and on and on, the same things over and over and over again!

After having a 'near perfect' entire day... Blood sucking the entire morning, snoozieland the entire afternoon, 'house MD' marathon till NOW....

Wham Wham Wham Bham Bham Bham... These people just do not stop, do they? The moronic part is that i just had my 'dinner', i've no where to go hang out at this time of the day, other than either the hosp (oh, that's really sad), or just carrefour or BP mall! Since they just started, my prediction is that they'll only stop at like about 10pm??? Or maybe even later, coz they started late today!

@ 2038, 05052008... Total MoRoN's... Maybe i'll just hang out in carrefour...

Whooo HOoooo!!!!

2008-05-04T09:52:00.004+08:00

Im over the clouds right now. After having a BLAST with KY the entire day in Malacca and Muar (we dropped by just for the mee bandung and otak), upon reaching home, only to get 3 emails waiting to be read. I was like, 'Oh great, and one of them was a reply for the portfolio i submitted last fri...'

After the hours of toiling through Harrisons, tonnes of journals, some manual of cardiology book, umpteen times over GOLD guidelines, reading and re-reading the same summary, investigtions and learning issues over and over and over again, i got this reply... 'Thank you. Your portfolio is well written.' Haha, every bit and sweat paid off! Finally, i finally got rewarded with what i really deserved! All snoozeland hours lost, the entire labour day lost just to complete this 'piece of work'...

The final results is worth it, i tell you. Yesterday, while on our trip i was still contemplating whether i should change the entire case, but now, i've got my answer... Nah, not till if 'red head' dosen't approve it on friday during vc...

@ 1003, 04052008, over the cloud right now, a good meal anyone???

BHAM! BHAM! WHAM! WHAM!!!

2008-05-02T21:05:00.002+08:00

These people are just so DUMB! DUMB! DUMB! Day in, day out, that's the only thing people is BP are GOOD AT! Wake up late and you hear it, come home from class you hear it, wake up from your evening nap you hear it! It's driving me nuts!!! If the drums decided to take a break, then the blardy kid opposite would decided to throw up an tantrum. Shout, scold his mum, bang the door, WHAM WHAM WHAM, the cry at the top of his lungs! That's what you'll wake up to in the weekends, the only day that i get to sleep late...

The level of civic consciousness of the people in BP is ZERO, or even NEGATIVE for that matter. They are a selfish lot, self centered and the WORST IDIOTS ONE WILL EVER MEET! I noticed the more south you travel down, the level reduced exponentially. I always wondered than what about the people in JB? Wouldn't it be worse? I guess im right, after seeing a few examples in the people that i used to mingle with in a daily basis...

@ 2121, 02052008, when will these people ever stop???

Lethargy & depression...

2008-05-02T17:00:00.002+08:00

The combination of both just makes me homesick. How i do wish that i was on my way home now. I could just pack my bags up now and make it home. But, i think i would just work it out for another 7 more days. I've done a fair bit of travelling this past 8 weeks, i would like a break now.

What the hell is there to do in BP during the weekends??? NOTHING, other than stay at home and snooze your way through the entire 48 hours. Carrefour would definitely be packed with throng and throngs of people, BP mall and summit are in the saddest state ever. There's no place to hang out, no place to catch a good movie, even the IMU library closes at 5pm on sat! The only place that's open 24/7 is BP HOSPITAL! Which, happens to be EMPTY during weekends.

Maybe i'll take a drive down to Malacca tomorrow. I'm sort of craving for good chendol and a fine place to shop. I've yet to get my knapsack which i've been eyeing for quite some time now. Gotta get something for mother's day too, as it's up week after next. Did my survey, found out from the locals that there are better places than the jusco that we ended up in the other day! Thank goodness for that...

@ 1708, 02052008, snoozieland for now...

Finally...

2008-05-01T17:34:00.003+08:00

I've done it! As in the summary, investigations and learning issues for my 2nd portfolio. Which happens to be due tomorrow! We never knew it until late yesterday, when the group leader asked Dr V when was the due date... It's crazy just trying to figure out what i was typing in, as this assessor takes your portfolios as a professional document, not what you feel about the patient! Try crapping your way through and bullshitting in your learning issues, and only to get a grade of POOR! That's exactly what happened to the previous group, where most of them ended up with either POOR or AVERAGE. Out of the 6 examples he showed us, there was only 1 SATISFACTORY.

VC's up next week, 18 of us will be on monday, facing 3 GIANTS of unknown origin, the other 7 on friday, facing 'red head'. Honestly, im not prepared for either. It will not make a difference anymore whether i go on mon or fri. If i get into the monday group, i'm fried no matter what, bcoz im so ill-prepared. If i get into the friday group, i might as well as be dead coz it's 'red head' IS THERE! Hah, i don't give a damn anymore. Be it mon or fri, as long as i get out of it alive...

IM so drained out now but i can't sleep. Been surviving instant, microwavable food these past few days. It has been frozen food, instant noodles or pasta. Im just so lazy to cook, so lazy to go out to get 'real' food. The cozy and cooling environment im in now is just too comfortable. Maybe i'll just pay a visit to snoozieland for now...

@ 1745, 01052008... Labour day... Where has it gone to???

SUCK in MEDICINE!!!

2008-04-30T01:07:00.006+08:00

Gosh, i do wish it was that simple...

I DO SUCK in INTERNAL MEDICINE >>>>>>> BIG TIME!!!

I hate it to the max, no matter how much i read and read and read, it just don't get it. Im so sick of cardiology at this moment till i just wanna throw all my books out the window! Cardiology, one of the systems that i hate most, with respi med next in line. Guess what, my portfolio case covers BOTH THESE $*@# ing systems!

A patient just comes in the SOB, how difficult can that be? OH, wait till u see the other conditions that he has... COAD, MR, AF, HPT... It's crazy to just even figure out the diagnosis, coz everything that is proposed has to have an underlying reason. What if there is NONE, which i mean that it's god's will? Then, we in this profession would be out of business!

I've gone through the chaper on CCF in Harrisons tens of times, but, nothing seems to get into my head! I've spent the whole night analysing it sentence by sentence, figuring out WHY THIS, WHY THAT, WHY IS IT WRITTEN AS SO??? Trust me, by the end of next week if i ever decide to use this case as my portfolio, im the person that you should find if you have CCF... I'll go on dreaming about CCF, thinking about CCF, eating also affected by the fact that it has something to fo with CCF!

@ 0120, 30042008... going nuts...

Re-live-ing the past...

2008-04-29T17:45:00.002+08:00

The past has come to haunt me once more. VC up next week with sban ppl, which includes 'red head'. Darn, i was sort of 'delighted' to migrate to BP, in view that i would not have to see her. But, it's just my luck, if she decides to show up on the day im presenting... That's it. Trust me, its going to be another one of those hilarious scenarios, where i make a fool of myself and she getting the last laugh.

Im so not looking towards vc next week. Im ill-prepared, with a case that i can't even make sense out of! Doing portfolios is just sickening, and i'll never understand the benefits what we get from it, other than causing you eyesight to deteriorate to 36/6, sleepless nights, shuffling through tonnes of journals, but ending up using none of them, squeezing every drop of neurotrasmitters out of the limited neurones for the learning issues... It's drives me crazy. Nevermind the submission, then going for the assessment is even worse! I'll have sleepless nights, total loss of confidence despite knowing the case through and through, going though the thing again and again and again till i drop dead on bed. That's exactly how i've been putting myself to bed on the days of 'impending portfolio assesment'!

Looking on the bright side, im almost half way through sem 10, which means that quater of the battle has been won. Im going to finish the 2 postings that i hate most in 1 1/2 weeks time, getting ready for the next dreaded O&G posting. At least i'll and with 1 that i truly enjoy, which it still better be so after all the rumours that i heard...

Sleep cycles now reversed to the worst. Missed wards this morning bcoz i just could not get up! Now im wide awake, which would last me till tomorrow morning, then i'll just collapse if i manage to get to the wards alive. I can't miss tomorrow's session, as there definitely will be a bedside session with Dr V, which i truly for once look foward to, especially in a specialty which i dislike...

@ 1758, 29042008... End of the month... So soon???