Enjoy now, suffer later???

That's exactly what you'll get for being a glutton. Actually, that only applies to me, in particular. After having such a super-duperly long and unproductive day, i was just tired, hungry, and sleepy. Straight to my favourite tom yam place in BP, 'ta pao-ed' a serving, got home, indulged with the company of 7-up. Heavenly indeed... till just 30 mins ago... There we go... out, out and only out... NONSTOP!!! Supposed to be fuel-ed up, ready for tomorrow, instead, i feel like DYING...

Im just going to snooze my way through the night, definitely try my best to do it. At times like this, i just wished that im home, in my confy bed, with a story book in hand, or just mum by my side, yakking nonstop. I really do miss those moments in life, especially, when you are alone at 'the end of the world' like place, depressed with life, tonnes of work to complete, datelines to meet... It's just ridiculous going through life like this everyday, which in the end, it would not matter, because all of us would just DIE!!! Ironically, everyone around is chaing their dreams, to the extent of 'killing' each other to get the best for oneself.

Currently, im just 'zonked' out! A new term that i shall be using more frequently, especially in the next month...

@ 2108, 30062008, last 3 hours of June, welcome, JULY...

'Jual ikan' anyone???

Didn't ever your mother teach you never to 'sell-fish'? I just can't stand people who behave as so. Unfortunately, more than 50% of the people that we mingle with every single day are like that. What a sad state. Why, must you just keep the best for yourself, even it's just the tiniest matter ever, when it could benefit everyone else, without any harm to you? Would it kill you to just share whatever benefits with others?


Why can't you bring joy to this world? Where eveyone has an equal fair share of whatever it is? The part that i do not get is that you decide to share it with certain, particular people, who are never to be involved in the first place?

Oh, go on, call me a sore thumb, i don't give a damn. But, there are people out there who are. Anyways, i always believed that 'WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND'! In the end of the day, you can't win it all. It's never made so. So, i'll just watch the show that's 'playing in theateres' soon...

@ 2151, 23062008... oh, grow up!

Blues...

There we go again. Complaints about being depressed and homesick. I've caught the blues. Im downright sad most of the time, not even my favourite meals can cheer me up. I've been lethargic the entire day, snoozing for almost 14 hours, doing nothing other than procrastinating! I've wasted more than 24 hours, which time is supposed to be valueble to me nowdays.

Im just not being myself. Maybe the loss of my other half has taken a toll on me. I just miss him dearly. I mean, i don't think i can live without him. I can't stop thinking of him, wondering about what he's doing this very moment, if he has had his meals, if he has been sleeping well... GOSH, I AM GOING MAD!

I can't wait for the next few days to pass. I just can't wait to go home. I'll go nuts if i stay at this place for another week. I'm already at the verge of suicide, but, it's consequences seems to outweight it's benefits. At times, i do wish that i could just die this very moment, if life was that easy...

@ 1930, 22062008... It's the begining of the last posting tomorrow, where has my past 15 weeks gone???

Call from home...

'Whatya going to do if you do not get the offer?' That was the opening sentence. It was 0745, on a saturday morning, what do you expect me to do at that time, other than being in a sleepy state. It then went on and on and on... 'i talked to dad yesterday night... He feels this.... feels that... And ended with... Im so sorry that i woke you up. You had a late night yesterday? Oh, it's saturday, how come you're still in bed? No classes today?' LOL!!!

Al least she got everything off her chest (i hope that at least would last for the time being, till i get home next week). All i did in the entire conversation was grunting and answer ya ya ya. I could hardly hold the phone in my hand. If not because of that particular ring tone that i get when i receive a call from home, i wouldn't had even answered the call in the first place.

She's just worried. Worried sick if i would add to it. I know she meant well. At least hoping that it would all turn out to be the best for me. Though being brought up being independent and all, i know that they're still watching over my back all the time. It's fine by me, as long as the final decisions are still in my hands. But, at times, it's just so hard to explain things over and over and over again, when they just seem not to get the whole picture. All these craziness has ben going on for months now (since feb this year), was then interrupted in between, and yet, now it's back to haunt me.

Next week would not be an easy week for me. Trust me, there would be plentiful of discussion session, explaining matters over and over again. For the time being, im just drained and swarmed with all these...

@ 0952, 21062008, it's just begining of the weekend, feels like the end already... GOSH...

Ulcer???

'Eat to live, or, live to eat?'

Which would be more appropriate. Im the live to eat kindda person. Nowdays, it hardly makes a difference whether i do consume the so called 'food' or not. Whatever that goes in, definitely comes out. The best part is when whatever goes in, it causes a tummy ache which seems to be worse. I've a feeling in cumin down with an ulcer or something, coz it does hurt tremendously when i start eating, but if i don't, it hurts as well.

No worries. Im still alive anyway. As long as it does not decide to bleed or perforate, fine by me. But, please do give me a break sometimes. There are times that i would love to be 'pain free'. Meal-wise, since it hurts whether i take in anything or not, forget the TDS regime then. I'll just stick to my usual, EAT ON DEMAND...

@ 1421, 20062008, a whole day of briefings and de-briefings, another at 1500, DARN!

Dumps...

Im back into the dumps. Don't ask why. Just did not feel good after waking up just now. Im so lazy to even sit up to type in this post! There are so many things in my mind right now, im swarmed with ideas, information, problems, choices to be made...

Maybe im just homesick. I've yet to call home after a week to total 'non-communication' with anyone at home. Im longing to call home, yet, im reluctant to do so. Leading such an aimless life, i've given up in making decisions.

Im just not being myself. Lost my appetite altogether. Something is wrong. Deep inside. But, i don't know what. It drives me nuts when i get into the dumps, with no good reason behind it. Maybe i'll make the call home later, maybe i'll should just stop thinking, maybe i should just lead a simple life like others, maybe i should just be myself, maybe it's time to give up, maybe i should just talk to someone... Maybe, maybe, maybe... Never-ending of maybe's... Nevertheless, one thing is for sure, life is full of possiblities, which leads to the intractable number of choices to be made, leading to the uncertainty that we go through every day...

@ 1944, 10062008, maybe im just hungry...

Choices...

The sea of options are so vast. Overwhelming till im drowning. I've reached my breaking point till i don't even know what is my purpose in life. I don't even know what i want to do after i graduate. Plans, plans, plans... Never-ending plans. One after the other, if plan A dosen't work out, then move on to plan B. You know what? IM really SICK of thinking about it.

Had a rather intriguing conversation earlier. In the end of the day, it all boils down to 4 crucial factors...

1. income
2. workload
3. ease of securing a definite position
4. family

So, which comes first? Prioritisation, another aspect which i suck at big time. I don't think that income and workload would be a problem for me. Im definitely torn between family and the ease of securing a definite position. I DON'T KNOW. I don't know what's going on in my life this moment, i don't know what im thinking most of the time. Why can't i just be like everyone else, and get absorbed into the government system? Why can't i just lead a simple, un-intresting, un-stressful life? Why must there be so many decisions and choices to be made? Why? Why? Why?

In the end of the day, i do know that these would be the fruits of my labour. But, for now, i am really sick of listening to what other people say, especially from someone who plays an important role in my life. I don't think i can take it anymore. I felt that i should had deferred. Im really starting to regret it now. It's too late though, and i have to live with the consequences. I definitely do not want to make another similiar mistake in the near future. I don't think that im ready to go out there and face life now. I need a break... A long long long long long break......

@ 1344, 19062008, what would you do??? What should i do???

Makan makan...

Though 3 out of the 5 of us are outcasts, we all have 1 thing in common, i.e. makan-makan. Everyday, the conversations which takes place in the wards consists mainly on FOOD! Then, its sure to be followed by an early lunch break if we managed to 'escape' from the 'jail cell'.

Now, fully loaded with french fries and a banana pie, its time to pay snoozieland a visit. Im totally drained after pouring through the journals on IUGR yesterday night, and that was actually considered a portfolio with 'some minor corrections'! LOL! It took me another 6 hours to get it done! So called minor corrections. I wonder how long the others took to 'correct' theirs.

In the end of the day, it just boils down to me being the perfectionist. I can't rush through things. Even if i do so, i'll have to go through it again and again and again. It's just a bad habit which i seem not being able to shrug off. It's funny that i'll finally let it be when the time is up, but then only to start regretting of not doing a better job, when i've already tried my best. At times i feel that im just being too harsh on myself, but without the displine, i don't think i'll be standing here typing what im doing right now.

@ 1322, 18062008... another session at 1600, DARN!

What's worth? What's not?

I tend to get my dose of 'EUPHORIA' towards the end of every posting, especially when there's the portfolio review and feedback sessions. I've done it again this time, WELL... with minor corrections. Im just glad and relieved that all these are over, and most importantly, O&G is coming to an end. Can't wait to start surgery next week, last posting though, meaning these would be the last 5 weeks in my entire life being a medial student! I am so not prepared to be released into the world of 'real' medicine soon, wished that it woud take another 5 years, or more, i dont mind. Im no looking foward to go out there to work, especially in a world which would be unforgiving at times, surrounded by nasty people from all walks of life.

This would be the time to ask myself whether whatever i went thought the past 5 years was worth it. All the failures in the begining, tears shed most of the time, tantrums thrown while i get so so fed-up of reading all those stuff that never made any sense at that time. If you asked me, med school was never an easy journey for me, especially each time sitting for exams. I am so used of failing till i have lost almost all my confidence when i go in for exams. And guess what, the confidence that you see in me right before going to exams, well, that's definitely not me! Though smiling and giggly prior to it, deep inside, im strugling to keep my senses together. Defence mechanism, like what they call it. It's as if a stab wound that would never heal, after my first failure in sem 1. I'll never forget the moments that i went through after getting my results, had to re-study 'everything' in that 2 weeks, worrying about mum being in the hospital at that time. I was really lucky to manage to scrape through it, then when sem 3 with the viva, oh god. I never knew that i would had passed. I still remembered clearly that when i told my mum i had to go for viva, she din't even know that it was for borderline viva, which determines a pass of fail. You'll never imagine what i go through everytime before the viva list comes out from then on. It's as if im having a 'heart attack'. I hardly breath, with the diaphoresis and palpitations... UNIMAGINABLE...

Though life in clinical school was 'fun', a.k.a freaking tough! It was the reading and memorizing that's killing me now, as im more of a 'common sense' kinda person. Come to think of it, clinical school life in BP ain't that bad after all. I've somehow managed to regain my confidence which i've lost along the past 5 years, though at times i now feel that i should just 'shut up'. Life has been pretty nasty the past few months here, nevertheless, i should thank my lucky stars that i've pulled though it. Although the next few weeks would not be an easy ride as well, but, i'm sure i'll make it through ALIVE. I know i will. It's just that i'll never know the results of it yet, as it would all be revealed in August.

I guess for now life just goes on, as it is. I am certainly grateful to all the kind souls that i met along this journey, which we call them as 'guardian angels'. I do believe their existence, and everyone is at a particular place at a particluar time for a purpose.

@ 1720, 17062008... blogging overdose for now...

"A good set of bowels is worth more to a man than any quantity of brains" - Josh Billings

"Man should strive to have his intestines relaxed all the days of his life" - Moses Maimonides

"The colon is the playing field for all human emotions" - Cyrus Kapadia

Was flipping through one of the books, when i came across these quotes at the front page of the gastrointestinal system. I do agree with the quotes above, after having 'ill-behaved' bowels for such a long time, at times i would just like to 'yank' it ALL OUT! Im just not myself today, after having the day off yesterday, then back to wards once again after almost a week of break, im just being crappy.

But, i couldn't agree more with Cyrus. It's definitely true that how your bowels behave that particular day, that would be exactly how the person would. Maybe it's just not a good day for me today, i guess. Currently, its not only the bowels causing the mood swings, its more of the migranes which seems to be progressively getting worse each time i get it. Increasing in frequencies, durations and intensities. It's driving me nuts. I seem to be pumping in whatever i can get my hands on, from PCM to naproxen to celebrex. Im at the verge of going nuts with these pounding headaches. Most of the time its as if its going to explode, but, it just dosen seem to! Being short tempered and moody nowadays, anything small matter would just tick me off...

@ 1251, 17062008, i need a break, before i go nuts...

The 'un-EVENTFUL' wkend...

Drained... I am. After such a long long long weekend... At least we have today off. Thanks to some BLARDY BITCH, who did not confirm the existence of vc this morning, forced us to pull our butts out of bed, went there, got EVERYONE (including the leturer) PISSED, when there was so called 'MISCOMMUNICATION'! How much more irresponsible could she had been??? And there she goes, snoozing confortably in her bed, not knowing whatever that has happened, coz she was NOT IN THIS PARTICULAR GROUP. Wait till i get my hands on her neck tomorrow morning!

The super-duperly long and un-anticipating weekend has passed, now its back to portfolios and wards. Had pretty much fun though, not considering the side effects of un-describable fatigue and aches everywhere. Played my usual role, brough cheer to the kids there, made new friends, i sort of enjoyed myself. Indulged in continouos supply of 'kampong' delicacies, treated as if we were at home by the villages... Let the pictures do the talking...

@1153, 16062008, there are many more photos, but, its just taking too long to load up the photos...

Back from the dead...

Literally... Almost died after the 'longest day in my life'. It was as if never ending. One after the other, continuously, with only 'loo breaks' in between. Lost all appetite, hardly had the time to eat, actually. At least its partially over for now, only with more to come.

Depressingly back in BP, stuck here for the weekend. How i just wished to get an MC and 'get the hell out of here' right now! Thanks to a COMPULSORY TO ATTEND community project, which i would indefinetely fail this semester if i fail to participate in it. What to do, its not like i have a choice... DUH!!!

Anyways, i shall go there, be my usual self, and 'clown' around!! Haha, there we go again, i shall repeat what i did almost a year ago. Just hope that i still do remember how to 'twist those balloons'. Forgotten whatever i learnt last time round, tonight shall be last minute practice for me...

@ 1939, 13062008, argghh, a migrane is on the way... just can feel it coming...

Lub Dub Dub Dub...

That's all that i could hear the entire night! Pounding migrane, with an icepack covering my entire face, overloaded with painkillers, nose stuffed up till i could hardly breathe, tummy growling incessantly, how on earth could i sleep? I finally tired out at about 5am, where i jumped out of bed at 0730. Almost did not make it for clinic session, i could barely stand straight.

'Zombie look' as usual, managed to survive through the entire morning with prof N. Migrane is coming back, i can feel the 'aura' as it returns. Oncall once again tonight. Im so so sick of O&G. Maybe i shall just go there and sleep my way through the entire night, after all im preparing for the long drive tomorrow.

I just don't get my tummy these days. It seems to be behaving progressively worse! It just dosen't get satisfied with whatever its given, be it food or lomotil. It's 'immune' to almost everything that gets poured in, only then to 'spit' everything out once more. Im at the verge of losing my mind. Crazziness, which i call it, especially adapting to YOUR OWN TUMMY. Nowdays it's no more mind over tummy, but, TUMMY OVER MIND.

It's going to be snoozieland for now... If i manage to pass thru the first stage, which is FALLING ASLEEP...

@ 1520, 09062008... my head is going to blow!!!

Playful???

Was rather moody when i got up this morning. Nevertheless, this clip did cheer me up, because it reminds me of myself at times, when i find mischieve, in everything i do.

@ 1206, 08062008, darn, my cravings are back to haunt me!

Retail therapy...

It's KILLS! Especially when you are superbly depressed and had a really bad day. Went out with the intention of stocking up on Lomotil, instead of spending a mere Rm2, I ended up spending RM370! Gosh, its cut-throat i tell you. I've been keeping my eyes out for this particular kindda watch, and i found it at 15% off today. I just could not resists the temptations, and with a wallet loaded with cash, this is the consequence that i paid for...

I've spent almost half of my monthly allowance in just 1 hour. This means no more cravings satisfied, all meals at home, no more splurging on junk food! It's going to be a lesson learnt. But, knowing me, i'll end up in another spree next month when im depressed once more.

@ 1935, 07062008... Just could not resist it...

Cats & dogs...

Pouring outside, ted stuck in the room without his morning walk! What a pity that we snoozed till it started raining. Darn hungry, i just don't get my tummy these days. It keeps growling non-stop, be it empty or full, but a different kinda growl, of course. Im just not being myself. Cravings at unearthly hours, waking up with migranes and tummy aches, ending up eating nothing most of the time... I think my gut has had enough nonsense, for all it has gone through. I've a feeling soon my tummy is just going to give up and stop working altogether. How i wished that that moment would be right now.

Going to have a tough next few weeks, continuous activities, fully occupied weekends. One event after the other, till the exit viva in august, it shall be a 'roller coaster' ride. At least im not so so depressed this morning when i got up, and its all because ITS A SATURDAY and I DON'T HAVE TO STONE IN THE WARD! Thank heavens.

@ 1000, 07062008, shall i just let it go to waste???

Lousy, lousy...

Its just like any other morning where you wake up and not feel like yourself. Depressed, lousy, just not in the mood to do anything. All i want is just to leave this *%^ing place and GO HOME! My mood swings are back to haunt me, migrane getting worse than ever eventhough im getting more than enough sleep, bowels so haywire till nothing works anymore. IM STRESSED OUT! AT A BREAKING POINT!

From now on, these rantings shall go on and on and on, at least till the end of july, till almost everything has settled down, except for the 'one chance only' to pass exam in August. Oh, i don't know, every little thing just stressed me out nowdays (what time to go to the hosp, what to do there, if my beds are empty, whether there's a session later today, what im going to have for dinner, what time to take ted for a walk...)

Oh, I DON'T KNOW. I guess im just BURNT OUT after 3 weeks of O&G, or is it because the 'end' is so near yet so far? I feel as though i need to talk to someone, but yet, i can't seem to open up to anyone around. Be it a stranger or a friend, it dosen't work on me. It never does. I can't call mum to tell her what's going on with me right now, she would be worried sick, or she wouldn't be bothered much as she always thinks that 'i can handle things'. I honestly have no idea where she gets all the confidence that she has on me, when i DON'T EVEN HAVE IT MYSELF!

These are the times that i wished that life were that simple. Wake up, spend the entire day doing whatever i like, then go to bed with no worries in mind...

@ 0745, 06062008, i've had enough of life...

No second chances...

Was counting my days earlier this afternoon, realized something which i failed to realise long long time ago. Im just going to get 'one-shot' at it this time, no second chances. Im literally 'freaking-out' this moment, at the verge to contemplating suicide. Stress levels now are of the 'un-imaginable'. Regrets are starting to pour in, but of no use. It's too late now to cry over spilled milk. All i can do now is to 'make the best' out of whatever i have left, and PRAY EXTREMELY HARD!

Most of the things in life are a 'once in a lifetime' chance event. This time round, it's no different. Honestly, whatever 'life changing events' that are bout to happen these few months down the road, there would be 'no return ticket'. Whatever that's ever going to happen, is going to happen, just how that i would make the 'best out of it'. It's going to be an extremely 'short' next few months, with tonnes of critical decisions to be made, which would affect my future altogether. I sincerely hate these moments in life, never had to go through it before in this contexts. When everything is laid out and options given, it's not that simple to decide. There's no more 'going back' to where it all began. That staged has passed a 'long time' ago, and it's time to move on. No more procrastinating, no more being a kid, it's time to GROW UP!

Gosh, im so not ready to face life at this moment. Im driving myself nuts, i don't think that i can handle all these 'craziness' at this moment. Im still an immature soul, waiting to discover one-self. I've yet to pass through that phase. It's like i have to grow up in 2 months, after all i've not been 'growing up' for the past 24 years! Where the hell has it all gone to? Im definitely not ready to face whatever that's going to be thrown to me be it now, or in a couple of months time...

@ 2101, 05062008, i don't think i can take it anymore...

Change of heart...

Being in week 3 of O&G, it's causing me to have a change of heart. Don't get me wrong, IM NEVER SPECIALIZING IN O&G. After conducting deliveries for the past 2 weeks, it got me thinking that no matter what, everyone should be given an equal chance of survival. I've been given the golden opportunity to witness the 'gift of life' miracle, and yet, had the chance to see with my own eyes the totally different outcomes of a supposedly happy event awaiting antipication. From spontaneously 'crying their lungs out' babies, to babies born with an apgar score of 0 at 1 minute, 4 at 5 minutes and 9 at 10 minutes, to a term fetus ending up as a case of intrauterine demise. I guess this just completes the whole cycle of life & death, which seems to be never ending in this world.

I still have not given up on being an orthopod per se, but would now certainly consider an entire spectrum of a different speciality. Dealing with infants whom i deem as innocent and deserve a chance of being alive, anxious parents a chance of loving and nurturing a living child instead of taking it back for a funeral, miracles awaiting to happen. Nevertheless, it would be a speciality which outcomes would be not predictable most of the time, just do your best, and leave it in the hands of their kamma.

Other than being TIRED ALL THE TIME, wasting my mornings in the wards being a zombie, i am starting to enjoy myself. It's mainly the teaching sessions that i enjoy, as its rather beneficial, and although i am tired, i still gain something from these session. Doing overnight calls that require you to stand all the time is killing me, stoning in the wards in a standing position is killing me, in conclusion, BOTH MY LEGS ARE KILLING ME! They're aching bad, accompanied with nasty gastronemous cramps ocuring hourly, soles hurting like hell...

@ 1724, 03062008, i could go on complaining some more...

The countdown begins...

With a week to go, there i am back in square one once more. I've forgotten everything i tried to pump in in the past few weeks. Thanks to the 'crazy' portfolio marathons that i've been having the past 2 weeks. At least those are settled for now. Tonight onwards my nights shall be different, no more the 'procrastinating through games' all night longs, no more 'heaven in snoozieland'. I've got less that a week to pump in as much as i can. Time is running short!

Gosh, on call again tonight. Im really getting sick of this routine. It's all because i have better things to do than waste my time in the DS. It's pretty sickening if it is empty, but tiring if it is full. I guess nothing is best, other than just lazing at home doing nothing. NOTHING BEATS THAT FOR SURE!

@ 1908, 02062008... Leaving soon... IM so LAZY...

Never ending conversations...

All i did this weekend... Yak and yak and yakked my way through it! I've completed my quota for the next two weeks in a duration of 2 days!

Conversation 1: (this was in mandarin)

'Wah, you lost weight!'

'No la. How are you? Haven't met you for so long?'

'Really la, you lost weight since the last time i saw you.'

After the hug...

'How come you are so thin now???'

Conversation 2:

'So, i want it this way and that.'

'Cannot lah.'

'U sure bo? If canot then i don't want to friend you already!'

'Eh, since when i became like that? I've never seen this side of you before...'

Conversation 3:

'How's your diarrhea?'

'Mmm. Still like that la.'

'You meant the same, better or worse?'

'Same la. No difference. Still like that.'

'Eh, already more than 2 years already le. You should have got used to whatever you are doing now. It shouldn't be a problem.'

'Haha. Yeah.' I ended it with a grunt...

'Hey, it's not a laughing matter. If it's still like that after so long, you better find out what's wrong!'

So these are just parts of the conversations, which i could remember. I guess the rest of the time i was not doing the yakking. Im dog tired, dying to go to bed. Just finished up my second portfolio. About to print it out now for submission tomorrow. At least it's a half day for me, no VC in the afternoon! Hooray! Sadly, im oncall once again at night... Arggh. There goes another night's sleep lost...

@ 2219, 01062008, oh no, it's JUNE!