Call me impatient, that's exactly the state im in right now. I just want this exams to be over. I just want CNY to be over. I just want the next three weeks to be over & done with NOW!
Im so fed up of everything & everyone around me right now. I've had enough of studying, staying in sban, going to IMU, attending extra classes, eating... The list can go on & on, but can be summarized in 1 word, Im fed up of MYSELF! Im so sick of myself at times i want to take my own life.
I can't register what is going on in my life right now. Whatever i read seems to be evaporising as soon as i put them into my head, when i get a proper meal i have lavages like hell, insomnia's playing it's game of cat & mouse, pipes leaking where it shouldn't. I am already mad, that, i have to admit it. Plus the stubborness in me that refuses to be changed, a disaster in the making.
These days im just so tired, yet i can't sleep. The lavages, sleep debts, morning sessions are all getting the best of me. I don't think i can go on like that any more. I would just snap or breakdown any moment now. I have so many things in my mind, it's like a warzone in there.
@ 1740, 31012008, at least it's thursday...
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sharing & caring
BULLSHIT!!!
That's all i have to say. For one to stay alive in the mean & cruel world out there, this NEVER applies to anyone. Homosapiens are just a complicated lot. Be nice to them & they stab you in your back, show your true colours then the conditions worsen. Come on, don't play the 'pretend' game anymore coz life is just so full of it!
What did they teach you in school those days? Sharing & caring, looking out for one another, be considerate, don't be sellfish... The more i think of it, the more crappy it is. It's never practiced anywhere, everyone just puts their mask on when it comes to these stuff. Try teaching an old dog new tricks, it never works, does it? Well, i've come to the conclusion that people are alike too, at times worse than the dog! (what an insult to the dogs)! Don't you ever blame it that it's in your genes, coz that's not true. Whatever that made you today is what you made of yourself years ago. Old habits die hard, upbringings bring you all the way through life, but one thing is for sure, if you are willing to change, you can. Don't even bother trying to change for one day then back to the same old self the other. Don't even bother to put in the effort if you are SO NOT WILLING to change. Forget it, just be yourself till you die!
People alike have this stigma that social isolates are a bunch of selfish lot, 'kiasu' to the max. Let me tell you, just because we are NOT 'social butterflies', or social 'grinches', which seems more appropriate, just because we communicate less with the world out there, it dosen't mean we are alike you people with these 'disgusting' attitudes.
Enough complaining about others. There's nothing i can do, but just to be sure im not alike or ever become one of them... I might not realize that im alike, but, if im told, i shall try to change. At least i'll put in the effort to do so, and make sure it happens!
@ 2143, 30012008, FOB... figure out for yourself whatever it means...
Drool...
Just him being there, paralysis set in. From your vocal cords to the neuronal connections in your brain. I could just stay still, uncontrollable salivary secretions till it flows out from my mouth. Every step he takes, every word the says, every move he makes... GOSH... I could go on & on about him. With his presence, he just makes my day. It finally got to me why im slogging my butt off now for this coming exams... Not just to pass it, but be in his 'extra shinny shoes' one fine day. Believe me, the day WILL come. Now it's just the matter of how long more from now!
The sessions we had today were fun, not the subjects definitely, but the lecturers. The morning session was by a doc whom we classified her as NYHA Class II. She's just full of joy, and the darling gave us a crash course of psychiatry in 1 & 1/2 hours! The next was by the best friend of the 'king of clowns'. Being a clown himself, he just poured out whatever we needed to know in ENT. Whether it would be beneficial or not will now depend on how much effort i start to put in now.
Tomorrow's sessions shall be another story altogether. Gynae is up, by the 'ham sap lou'. Then followed by ophthalmo, which is dislike most. I hate both postings equally, but, for exam sake, still will attend it...
@ 1753, 30012008, post swim, pre snoozieland...
The sessions we had today were fun, not the subjects definitely, but the lecturers. The morning session was by a doc whom we classified her as NYHA Class II. She's just full of joy, and the darling gave us a crash course of psychiatry in 1 & 1/2 hours! The next was by the best friend of the 'king of clowns'. Being a clown himself, he just poured out whatever we needed to know in ENT. Whether it would be beneficial or not will now depend on how much effort i start to put in now.
Tomorrow's sessions shall be another story altogether. Gynae is up, by the 'ham sap lou'. Then followed by ophthalmo, which is dislike most. I hate both postings equally, but, for exam sake, still will attend it...
@ 1753, 30012008, post swim, pre snoozieland...
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Pre-exam diet...
Exam fever setting in, sick of outside food, too lazy to cook... This is what you get >>>
Never forgetting these... (to maintain brain function)
@ 1642, 29012008, going to get a proper meal soon...
What's worth, what's not...
Is it worth it to suffer from the worst headache of your life after gulping down a few M&M's?
Oh, definitely.
Is it worth it to slog your butt off now then to work as a slave after you graduate?
Sure! ironically...
Is it worth it to stay insomnic for the next 2 weeks to pump in as much info before the exams???
That, i DO NOT agree. It's not that i don't want to sleep, it's that i CAN'T fall asleep.
Is it worth the drive home now then back here tonight?
Oh yes.
Is it worth not studying now & facing the exams later?
No way. I can't afford to regret later. (i meant the rm 30,000 )
Is it worth giving up now???
@ 1229, 29012008, had my swim, had my snacks, snoozieland, here i come...
Oh, definitely.
Is it worth it to slog your butt off now then to work as a slave after you graduate?
Sure! ironically...
Is it worth it to stay insomnic for the next 2 weeks to pump in as much info before the exams???
That, i DO NOT agree. It's not that i don't want to sleep, it's that i CAN'T fall asleep.
Is it worth the drive home now then back here tonight?
Oh yes.
Is it worth not studying now & facing the exams later?
No way. I can't afford to regret later. (i meant the rm 30,000 )
Is it worth giving up now???
@ 1229, 29012008, had my swim, had my snacks, snoozieland, here i come...
SICK !!!
Im so SICK of ...
1. opening books
2. reading up
3. remembering (a.k.a memorizing stuff that i don't even understand!)
4. thinking about exams
5. going for exams (that's what IMU is known to be best at...)
6. Tuesday... (it's only the 2nd day of the week)
7. staying in the 'hellhole'
8. outside food
9. attending the 'extra classes' (especially if they start at 9 in the MORNING!!!)
10. MEDICINE (never thought that i would ever say this, but i really DO NOT enjoy it A BIT during exams...)
I'd rather DIE NOW than later!!!
@ 0009, 29012008, I wanna go home...
A message like this just lighted up my night...
'Gal, miss u so much. Really can't wait for new year n ur exam to be over soon :-) i feel very bless to have a true friend like you, take care ya. Love n hugss.'
Hey u out there, THANKS A ZILLION for the perfect message at such a perfect timing. You are my Guardian Angle.
1. opening books
2. reading up
3. remembering (a.k.a memorizing stuff that i don't even understand!)
4. thinking about exams
5. going for exams (that's what IMU is known to be best at...)
6. Tuesday... (it's only the 2nd day of the week)
7. staying in the 'hellhole'
8. outside food
9. attending the 'extra classes' (especially if they start at 9 in the MORNING!!!)
10. MEDICINE (never thought that i would ever say this, but i really DO NOT enjoy it A BIT during exams...)
I'd rather DIE NOW than later!!!
@ 0009, 29012008, I wanna go home...
A message like this just lighted up my night...
'Gal, miss u so much. Really can't wait for new year n ur exam to be over soon :-) i feel very bless to have a true friend like you, take care ya. Love n hugss.'
Hey u out there, THANKS A ZILLION for the perfect message at such a perfect timing. You are my Guardian Angle.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Dying...
In the end of the day, everyone will die. Just a matter of time, when, where... That's the uncertainty about it. If im ever to die anytime soon, i'd rather it be a quick & painless death, not a slow, agonizing & suffering one.
Seeing people grow old... Gosh, even the idea of growing old freaks me out already! Imagine all you skin loose & wrinkled up, fat sagging on every inch of your body, your internal organs shutting down one by one, your senses failing you, brittle bones & muscle aches all day long... OMG! I can't ever imagine going through that phase. I'd rather be healthy & alive then just drop dead the next second! It better be a surprise than an agonzing wait to die.
When you reach that age, you just feel useless. Leading a no purpose life, day in day out, doing nothing other than waiting for the time to die. You can't read coz you are partially blind, you can't watch TV or listen to the radio coz you are deaf, you can't enjoy your favourite meals coz you have no teeth, you can't take the dogs out for a walk coz your legs are weak, you can't write coz your hands tremor... Is there still a reason why you should live on? You can't do NUTS about anything. All you have left in this world is your money & family. That's it.
Try answering this question... 'Do you think grandpa has long to live?'
Oh, i don't know... if i ever knew, i won't be sitting here right this moment. I wish i knew. Then, i would know how to answer mum. I think grandpa would be glad to know when. It's not whether he would prefer to know it or not, but, i'd rather he knew. Then, he would not just sit there, day in day out, waiting for the moment to come. The waiting process is the one that's killing, not the dying. He is deteriorating, physically & mentally. Don't ask me how i know, i just know. Barely seen him for a week, he looked different. It's as if he lost 10kg's in the past week. That's how bad the situation is now. Sunken cheeks, wasted calf muscles, skeleton like... All in a week.
Honestly, im not afraid to loose him. It's what happens to mum after that that im really worried about. I worried that she might just loose it, go nuts, cuckoo... get the picture??? She herself is worried too. Though she has prepared herself mentally, i don't think that she can handle it. She'll just have a mental breakdown. Even nowdays she's been mentally unstable. She's so stressed up till she can't make simple decisions, gets irritated easily, sad & down most of the time. I don't know what to do. Im not the kind that come up with those 'flowery' words to calm you down. It's not that im not sensitive to my surroundings, i cope with issues in a different way. I cope on my own, in my own world, out of others' sight. Im not the kind that 'open' up to someone, then cry all day long. Oh, i don't know. Making it through these next 4 weeks shall be the greatest battle in my life. Seeing grandpa living through the upcoming CNY, then if i ever live through end of sem 9 exams, getting my problems sorted out before going to BP... Whatever it is, it's there. Just waiting for the perfect moment to come. Im so sick of waiting. If things ever want to happen, why can't it just happen now? Why letting me go through this agonizing wait?
@ 2024, 28012008, KILL ME!!!
Seeing people grow old... Gosh, even the idea of growing old freaks me out already! Imagine all you skin loose & wrinkled up, fat sagging on every inch of your body, your internal organs shutting down one by one, your senses failing you, brittle bones & muscle aches all day long... OMG! I can't ever imagine going through that phase. I'd rather be healthy & alive then just drop dead the next second! It better be a surprise than an agonzing wait to die.
When you reach that age, you just feel useless. Leading a no purpose life, day in day out, doing nothing other than waiting for the time to die. You can't read coz you are partially blind, you can't watch TV or listen to the radio coz you are deaf, you can't enjoy your favourite meals coz you have no teeth, you can't take the dogs out for a walk coz your legs are weak, you can't write coz your hands tremor... Is there still a reason why you should live on? You can't do NUTS about anything. All you have left in this world is your money & family. That's it.
Try answering this question... 'Do you think grandpa has long to live?'
Oh, i don't know... if i ever knew, i won't be sitting here right this moment. I wish i knew. Then, i would know how to answer mum. I think grandpa would be glad to know when. It's not whether he would prefer to know it or not, but, i'd rather he knew. Then, he would not just sit there, day in day out, waiting for the moment to come. The waiting process is the one that's killing, not the dying. He is deteriorating, physically & mentally. Don't ask me how i know, i just know. Barely seen him for a week, he looked different. It's as if he lost 10kg's in the past week. That's how bad the situation is now. Sunken cheeks, wasted calf muscles, skeleton like... All in a week.
Honestly, im not afraid to loose him. It's what happens to mum after that that im really worried about. I worried that she might just loose it, go nuts, cuckoo... get the picture??? She herself is worried too. Though she has prepared herself mentally, i don't think that she can handle it. She'll just have a mental breakdown. Even nowdays she's been mentally unstable. She's so stressed up till she can't make simple decisions, gets irritated easily, sad & down most of the time. I don't know what to do. Im not the kind that come up with those 'flowery' words to calm you down. It's not that im not sensitive to my surroundings, i cope with issues in a different way. I cope on my own, in my own world, out of others' sight. Im not the kind that 'open' up to someone, then cry all day long. Oh, i don't know. Making it through these next 4 weeks shall be the greatest battle in my life. Seeing grandpa living through the upcoming CNY, then if i ever live through end of sem 9 exams, getting my problems sorted out before going to BP... Whatever it is, it's there. Just waiting for the perfect moment to come. Im so sick of waiting. If things ever want to happen, why can't it just happen now? Why letting me go through this agonizing wait?
@ 2024, 28012008, KILL ME!!!
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Just don't get it, do you???
Some people out there are plain stubborn. Again & again, time after time, when they don't get it, they just don't. They refuse to accept what has been told, yet, still seeking the grave that they have been digging. I shall repeat myself NO MORE. Go ahead & think & do whatever you want. I do not give a damn on whatever happening. As long as im surviving in this crazy world, why the hell should i care? Im not the sort that takes things to heart. Go on sulking & making a big fuss on whatever's happen. I DON'T EVEN CARE!!!
We all lead a different life. Face different daily challenges. We are different people. Different upbringings, with different attitudes. In the end of the day, definitely we handle our problems DIFFERENTLY!!! Different ways of getting our problems out, getting our thoughts organised, preparing in combat for the next big hurdle that life throws at you. Oh, come on, you can't expect everyone to take things seriously? Never met the group known as i call it the 'spontaneous kind'?
Read on if you have not come across anyone of them in your life.
This particular group are just an intriguing & fascinating lot. Most importantly, they are born with a more functional brain & spinal cord too. They make full use of their neurones. Definitely not wasting any microgram of it on small petty matters like what's for dinner or who's going where at what time. Oh no, these precious neurones are reserved. For that very special moment in life. When they have a craving or feeling towards something, BOOM, there the action starts. Immediate response. No need going through the higher cortical functions, since it's a spinal reflex at lighting speed! Hah, and guess what? It's the humour & never-lasting grudges against others that make their life simple, longer & definitely much more fun. Life isn't perfect as everyone knows it, definitely there are some pitfalls in this group of people. They do go through the up's & down's of their life, with full of emotions inside, seldom to be seen on the outside. But, when it is shown to the world out there, it depends on how other individuals see it. Some take it as intimidating, some just find them irritating, while others will have plans of 'murdering' them. They live with only a handful of friends, but are always open if you want to be their friend. It's more of the intimidation that freaks everyone away. In the end, they don't even care if they had friends, since they are so used to living in their own world. Aren't they a simple minded lot???
@ 0202, 27012008, think again... think hard...
We all lead a different life. Face different daily challenges. We are different people. Different upbringings, with different attitudes. In the end of the day, definitely we handle our problems DIFFERENTLY!!! Different ways of getting our problems out, getting our thoughts organised, preparing in combat for the next big hurdle that life throws at you. Oh, come on, you can't expect everyone to take things seriously? Never met the group known as i call it the 'spontaneous kind'?
Read on if you have not come across anyone of them in your life.
This particular group are just an intriguing & fascinating lot. Most importantly, they are born with a more functional brain & spinal cord too. They make full use of their neurones. Definitely not wasting any microgram of it on small petty matters like what's for dinner or who's going where at what time. Oh no, these precious neurones are reserved. For that very special moment in life. When they have a craving or feeling towards something, BOOM, there the action starts. Immediate response. No need going through the higher cortical functions, since it's a spinal reflex at lighting speed! Hah, and guess what? It's the humour & never-lasting grudges against others that make their life simple, longer & definitely much more fun. Life isn't perfect as everyone knows it, definitely there are some pitfalls in this group of people. They do go through the up's & down's of their life, with full of emotions inside, seldom to be seen on the outside. But, when it is shown to the world out there, it depends on how other individuals see it. Some take it as intimidating, some just find them irritating, while others will have plans of 'murdering' them. They live with only a handful of friends, but are always open if you want to be their friend. It's more of the intimidation that freaks everyone away. In the end, they don't even care if they had friends, since they are so used to living in their own world. Aren't they a simple minded lot???
@ 0202, 27012008, think again... think hard...
Friday, January 25, 2008
Blessed...
'Dato told SL, dun need 2 come to wad today'
from, groupleader
Try receiving this text at 6 in the morning, accompanied by severe dehydration, dysfunctional brain that was about to enter snoozieland... I read it again & again, could not believe what i was reading. Tried to sleep afterwards, was not convinced enough, read it again a few more times. It sounds so IMPOSSIBLE to ever happen!!! Absolutely no idea what got into the old man this morning. Maybe his wife drugged him, maybe he's just being kind, or maybe he's just playing a prank on all of us!
'What the heck' overpowered the 'power of imagination'. I dozed off soon after that, waking up hourly deligently, like a built in alarm clock. At least i could still get the sleep that i deserved.
The day has come, to be done with all sem 9 postings finally...
@ 1130, 25012008, 3 hours to go...
Itchy...
Some kindda rash has covered my entire trunk, & it's REALLY ITCHY! Wonder if it was from one of the meals i had today... GOSH, im scratching like a monkey full of fleas!
Raised, reddish, papules. Extremely itchy. Any differentials? My brain is not working anymore, after trying to pump in 4 weeks worth of anaes & radio info, which was obtained 5 months ago! What's the use of pumping it in anyway? I don't seem to remember anything i've read so far. Im just doing it for the sake that i won't regret for not trying my best tomorrow.
It's already 0325. Supposed to be up by 0700 tomorrow. Finally the day comes. The last day of gynae posting. Hooray! I've been waiting so long for this day to come, it's finally here. Can't wait for the 'screwing' session by 'atuk' to be over in the morning!
@ 0326, 25012008, arggghh, i need this badly...
Raised, reddish, papules. Extremely itchy. Any differentials? My brain is not working anymore, after trying to pump in 4 weeks worth of anaes & radio info, which was obtained 5 months ago! What's the use of pumping it in anyway? I don't seem to remember anything i've read so far. Im just doing it for the sake that i won't regret for not trying my best tomorrow.
It's already 0325. Supposed to be up by 0700 tomorrow. Finally the day comes. The last day of gynae posting. Hooray! I've been waiting so long for this day to come, it's finally here. Can't wait for the 'screwing' session by 'atuk' to be over in the morning!
@ 0326, 25012008, arggghh, i need this badly...
Thursday, January 24, 2008
I AM...
1. dying to go home
2. not even sure of i can survive the next 24 hours
3. homesick
4. having no purpose to keep on living at this moment
5. so sick of everything & everyone around me
6. not in a mood to talk to anyone
7. not in a mood to study for tomorrow's exam
8. not in the mood to do anything
9. bored
10. at the verge of giving up now
11. in the dumps
12. not going to be able to handle anymore stressors
13. going mad
14. about to kill myself
15. going to stop blogging now...
@ 1825, 24012008, stop whinning & grow up...
2. not even sure of i can survive the next 24 hours
3. homesick
4. having no purpose to keep on living at this moment
5. so sick of everything & everyone around me
6. not in a mood to talk to anyone
7. not in a mood to study for tomorrow's exam
8. not in the mood to do anything
9. bored
10. at the verge of giving up now
11. in the dumps
12. not going to be able to handle anymore stressors
13. going mad
14. about to kill myself
15. going to stop blogging now...
@ 1825, 24012008, stop whinning & grow up...
Squeeeeaaaaakkkkk......
IIIRRRRIIIITTTTTAAAAAATTTTTIIIIIINNNNGGGGG!!!!!
Why are some people in this world just so plain SELFISH & @#%*KING INCONSIERATE??? Can't they see that others need a well deserved rest???
I've had it with sharing 'something' with others, near to having 'another half' in your life, or if you call it so. Right before snoozieland comes into the picture, guess what? A rather looooonnnngggg squeak (i really wonder why unless you are the size of hagrid & can't fit through the door!) followed by a BANG! Then another repetition once again in less than 30 seconds! Isn't it irritating?
They are plain dumb, dense, nothing else that you can name them. The idiocy level is way above the top, no one else can beat them to it. Ironially, there are so so so many of this sort hanging around in the world of doom, where everyone is waiting for the 'perfect' time to DIE!
If you are unable to stay in your self dug grave all day long, just get the hell OUT OF THERE! If you need to be a social butterfly, go elsewhere! Stop irritating others for no apparent reason. As i've mentioned this before, the whole world does not revolve around you 1 person. Most importantly, IM NOT YOUR SOURCE OF ENTERTAINMENT!!!
@ 1339, 24012008, i just wanna be alone & DIE DIE DIE!!!
Why are some people in this world just so plain SELFISH & @#%*KING INCONSIERATE??? Can't they see that others need a well deserved rest???
I've had it with sharing 'something' with others, near to having 'another half' in your life, or if you call it so. Right before snoozieland comes into the picture, guess what? A rather looooonnnngggg squeak (i really wonder why unless you are the size of hagrid & can't fit through the door!) followed by a BANG! Then another repetition once again in less than 30 seconds! Isn't it irritating?
They are plain dumb, dense, nothing else that you can name them. The idiocy level is way above the top, no one else can beat them to it. Ironially, there are so so so many of this sort hanging around in the world of doom, where everyone is waiting for the 'perfect' time to DIE!
If you are unable to stay in your self dug grave all day long, just get the hell OUT OF THERE! If you need to be a social butterfly, go elsewhere! Stop irritating others for no apparent reason. As i've mentioned this before, the whole world does not revolve around you 1 person. Most importantly, IM NOT YOUR SOURCE OF ENTERTAINMENT!!!
@ 1339, 24012008, i just wanna be alone & DIE DIE DIE!!!
1 more day...
Just 1 more day to go...
1. Gynae posting will finally be OVER!
2. No more ward rounds wee hours of the morning.
3. Over & done with the dreaded anaes & radio exams.
4. Done with all of sem 9 postings.
5. I'll be at home snuggling comfortably in bed!!!
Can't wait for all of these to end. I can't even wait for another 24 hours!!!
@ 1033, 24012008, why is time passing by so slowly???
1. Gynae posting will finally be OVER!
2. No more ward rounds wee hours of the morning.
3. Over & done with the dreaded anaes & radio exams.
4. Done with all of sem 9 postings.
5. I'll be at home snuggling comfortably in bed!!!
Can't wait for all of these to end. I can't even wait for another 24 hours!!!
@ 1033, 24012008, why is time passing by so slowly???
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Drop dead...
That is exactly what im about to do next. Im so tired till even my respiratory muscles are failing me, neurons short-circuiting each other, aching body would just lean on anything, continous leg cramps no matter what position i am in... Ironically, my gut keep grumbling on & on & on, for all i know, it would still go on even after im dead!How i wish if i could just drop dead right this moment. SAQ's up in less than 10 hours, with less than 4 hours more to study. All because of 'atuk', still gotta hang out in the wards in wee hours of the morning. It's definitely a total waste of time, as i do not do anything there! The purpose of showing my face is that i have a clean record to keep (not that it has not been contaminated enough), so that i'll make it through this sem as well as med school.
I'll just walk in the ward & drop dead instead. Then, i'll have the best excuse to go home & sleep. Oh, FAT HOPES!!! It's not that easy to fool the 'old man'. Although he IS old, his mind is still as sharp as a spear, both eyes always on the look out who's missing. At least this is the last week in this darn hectic posting...
I've given up studying altogether. Im going to bed now. Whether i can fall asleep or not is the other issue. Im just going to lay there, let the hour go by, till it's time to shove my 'dead weight' to the wards......
@ 0358, 22012008, 'atuk', at times like this i really 'HATE' you!!!
Monday, January 21, 2008
My BEST friend...
Wish you are here right this moment,in this dump where im in right now,
this very minute, this very second...
It's been an eventful 8 years,
you've always been on my side no matter what,
a shoulder that i could shed tears on,
someone that i could hug when i needed one badly,
somewhere i could unleash all my anger,
or just as a loyal companion when i was plain bored.
Your presence just light's up my day,
someone who wakes me up from slumberland,
lying next to me,
all curled up amongst the blankets & pillows,
with the droppy 'puppydog' eyes,
and never forgetting the morning kiss.
It's as if i've not seen you for eternity,
i just can't wait till we met again,
just to give you a hug & get one in return,
i long for the kisses as well,
then just spending time together as the day goes by,
doing nothing more than to have a conversation,
or just lie down next to each other in silence,
that's all im asking for right now...
@ 1723, 21012008, MISS YOU DEARLY......
1 down, more to come...
Finally over & done with the last long case of the sem. Rather nervewrecking this time, in a posting totally alien, something that i do not like, an examiner who sarcastically smirks when you give an answer, getting a patient with an 'out of this world' chief complaint which ended her up in the gynae ward...
All in all, i finally could see the patient as a whole. An important lesson learnt this time round. The possiblities of the etiologies were pages long, & i had to rule it out one by one. Revisited system by system, of all, she decided to pick on the haemato system, which i suck at most! DUH! There was a time that i gave up answering all together and just told her 'I don't know!'. There were rumours of her being nasty, but, i liked her. Her practical approach, way of thinking, way of figuring things out. It's never the stuff that you pick up from books with matters to her, it't how you apply the knowledge that you already have. That, i have to agree with her!
@ 1205, 21012008, tired yet insomnic, BST at 1500, ARGGGHHHHH!!!!!
All in all, i finally could see the patient as a whole. An important lesson learnt this time round. The possiblities of the etiologies were pages long, & i had to rule it out one by one. Revisited system by system, of all, she decided to pick on the haemato system, which i suck at most! DUH! There was a time that i gave up answering all together and just told her 'I don't know!'. There were rumours of her being nasty, but, i liked her. Her practical approach, way of thinking, way of figuring things out. It's never the stuff that you pick up from books with matters to her, it't how you apply the knowledge that you already have. That, i have to agree with her!
@ 1205, 21012008, tired yet insomnic, BST at 1500, ARGGGHHHHH!!!!!
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Finally...
Countdown to the final long case end of posting for sem 9. Thankfully that there are only 4 this sem, if there were more to come, i would DIE! It's rather unfair to have you exams on the first day itself, when instead of a 4 week posting it becomes 3! Procrastinating through the past 3 weeks, trying to pump in as much as i can in this last 8 hours... welcome to the total disaster.
A supposedly uneventful, boring 2nd part of last week turned out to be a tiring, nervewrecking, insomnic, insane travelling, out of this world week + weekend... Just last week alone i clocked almost 1000km's on my speedometer! Ipoh-Sban journey on sunday, KL-sban wed till friday continously in a row, then today back to sban once more! Plus the sleepless nights either spending it in the A&E or uncomfortable sleeping arrangements due to lack of beds & pillows, then spending entire days waiting in the hospital, back to sban for classes then home in the late evenings & nights... Not forgetting mum's incessant nagging at bro when i was just about to leave home, went on with dad, taking little matters to heart... Argghhh. I was just so irritated when i left home just now. That's definitely not the feeling you would want. After all tomorrow is exam day, you wouldn't want your mind wondering about WHAT'S CURRENTLY HAPPENING AT HOME!!! Everything is taking its toll on me now. Im lethargic yet i can't sleep coz i've tonnes more to read up for tomorrow. Books were totally out of sight for the past 5 days, just started bringing them out just now. Upon reaching here, for once, finally i could just sit down in silence, open my books, try to pump in as much info as i could. Now, i just so overloaded with info, all jumbled up in my brain, till i can't differentiate which is for what!
Out of all the postings in sem 9, this is the worst. Begining with a topic that i dislike most, then having exams on monday, carzy gut doing it's usual job, family matters to settle, totally drained after not being able to repay my sleep debt yet... I've reached my limit. I don't think i can take it anymore. I've had enough. Currently, im in the grumpiest mood ever. Any tiny whinny thing will just trigger me off anytime soon. I just want tomorrow & tuesday to be over, then i can just sit down & sort matters out. Looks like i'll be going home on tues night once more, as there are unsolved issues to be settled.
In the end of the day, the main reason why my family has not fallen apart is because of ...... I was the one who made ALL the decisions, as if we were playing a game of reversal of roles. The best part is that when it comes to making decision for others, im able to do it perfectly, but when it comes to my personal problems, im just so stubborn as not to decide to do anything about it! It all boils down to that both my parents being UNABLE to decide WHAT TO DO WITH ME!
There has been many many times since they argued, worst when i was young. No one will ever believe that on my 12th birthday i actually wished that they would not break up! The scenario is always the same, one shedding tears while yelling her lungs out, the other just stoning, soundless as though he does not exist! Im always the one ending up in tears as usual, out of their sight. This time round is a 3 way thing, with another idiot in the picture bickering & defending himself! As time passes the picture seems to be as ugly as it can be, all i can do now is just pray & hope that it will not take the turn for the worse anytime soon.
@ 0021, 21012008, how i wish if i could just die this moment...
A supposedly uneventful, boring 2nd part of last week turned out to be a tiring, nervewrecking, insomnic, insane travelling, out of this world week + weekend... Just last week alone i clocked almost 1000km's on my speedometer! Ipoh-Sban journey on sunday, KL-sban wed till friday continously in a row, then today back to sban once more! Plus the sleepless nights either spending it in the A&E or uncomfortable sleeping arrangements due to lack of beds & pillows, then spending entire days waiting in the hospital, back to sban for classes then home in the late evenings & nights... Not forgetting mum's incessant nagging at bro when i was just about to leave home, went on with dad, taking little matters to heart... Argghhh. I was just so irritated when i left home just now. That's definitely not the feeling you would want. After all tomorrow is exam day, you wouldn't want your mind wondering about WHAT'S CURRENTLY HAPPENING AT HOME!!! Everything is taking its toll on me now. Im lethargic yet i can't sleep coz i've tonnes more to read up for tomorrow. Books were totally out of sight for the past 5 days, just started bringing them out just now. Upon reaching here, for once, finally i could just sit down in silence, open my books, try to pump in as much info as i could. Now, i just so overloaded with info, all jumbled up in my brain, till i can't differentiate which is for what!
Out of all the postings in sem 9, this is the worst. Begining with a topic that i dislike most, then having exams on monday, carzy gut doing it's usual job, family matters to settle, totally drained after not being able to repay my sleep debt yet... I've reached my limit. I don't think i can take it anymore. I've had enough. Currently, im in the grumpiest mood ever. Any tiny whinny thing will just trigger me off anytime soon. I just want tomorrow & tuesday to be over, then i can just sit down & sort matters out. Looks like i'll be going home on tues night once more, as there are unsolved issues to be settled.
In the end of the day, the main reason why my family has not fallen apart is because of ...... I was the one who made ALL the decisions, as if we were playing a game of reversal of roles. The best part is that when it comes to making decision for others, im able to do it perfectly, but when it comes to my personal problems, im just so stubborn as not to decide to do anything about it! It all boils down to that both my parents being UNABLE to decide WHAT TO DO WITH ME!
There has been many many times since they argued, worst when i was young. No one will ever believe that on my 12th birthday i actually wished that they would not break up! The scenario is always the same, one shedding tears while yelling her lungs out, the other just stoning, soundless as though he does not exist! Im always the one ending up in tears as usual, out of their sight. This time round is a 3 way thing, with another idiot in the picture bickering & defending himself! As time passes the picture seems to be as ugly as it can be, all i can do now is just pray & hope that it will not take the turn for the worse anytime soon.
@ 0021, 21012008, how i wish if i could just die this moment...
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Gift of life...
Skin, subcutaneous fat, serosa, muscularis, peritoneum, uterus... Gush of amniotic fluid, out pops a head, followed by 4 limbs & a trunk. Shrivelled skin, greyish, lifeless, alien-like, lying there. It takes less than 10 seconds before it takes it's 1st breath. Crying it's lungs out, wrigling and shivering to the cold temperature of the OT. That's the miracle of life, how we were once brought into this mean & cruel world, how the fittest of all shall survive.
Had 1st class experience today in the OT. Total hands on, assisting in a LSCS surgery, complicated with placenta previa. Could feel the warmth of the amniotic fluid as it gushed out like the rapids of the Nile, then blood oozing non-stop from the placenta bed, spruting arteries in all directions... Hell, IT WAS BLOODY... & guess what, i totally enjoyed the scene!!!
Saw a myriad of cases today, D&C, BTL, LSCS & cervical cerclage. Once stop centre i call it, 1st session in there, 'sapu' all cases-lah. Rather dissapointed that they did not have any TAHBSO's scheduled for today, as that would be much much more fun!
I honestly do not enjoy O&G, ended up in the OT for the sake of showing my face there, at the same time sucking up to my long case examiner. It was by chance that none of us wanted to scrub in, hence i volunteered. After this experience, i still think im more of an ortho person, where you can see things being fixed & making a difference for an individual. Being more of a technical person, I can't seem to appreciate the 'gift of life' concept, it just dosen't 'drive' it's message through my heart. I crave for more action, banging & twisting, hammering & screwing, that's what i call fun!
In the end, i feel comfortable with whatever im doing now. Never regretting the day i stepped into medical school, which was the turning point of my life. But been here for the 5th year now, i feel that i do not pity others so easily, not affected psychologically when surrounded by the suffering, sick & dying. I've lost the sensitive part of me, it even applies to the closest of relatives. All these emotions as if has evaporised from my system. Maybe it's the way of how i cope with my feelings, not wanting them to distract the way i work or make decisions. At times i feel that im rather 'inhumane', as i do not grieve as others do. Seeing my close one's shedding tears has no effect on me anymore, i feel so 'cold hearted'.
@ 1919, 16012008, enough said...
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Wrong, wrong, wrong...
It's another one of those days that everything seems to go wrong. Pouring inside-out after having a good meal, having chillls & rigors when the temperature outside is 40 degrees celcius, cold sweat trickling down your forehead, dog tired till can hardly fall asleep, facing some idiot who decides for the whole group that their int med exam papers need a remark...
Nothing seem right in my life at this moment. All these events in my life seems to be taking it to the worst. Everything is topsy-turvy. Im so drained out after 2 weeks of gynae posting, long case up once again on monday morning, can't go back to KL till late friday night or saturday morning, gotta get back here by sunday evening... LIFE IS HELL!!!
At least had some good news from home just now. Both grandparents are doing quite well after whatever their going through at this moment. Mum is glad with granpa's progress, so am i. Duchess' recouperating will after the eye op last week, ted being in his usual arrogant & 'maid abusing' attitude.
I just miss everyone at home, after just leaving them for only 48 hours. Im homesick, miserable, sick, tired, bankrupt, about to collapse anytime soon...
@ 1530, 15012008, i don't think i can take it anymore...
Nothing seem right in my life at this moment. All these events in my life seems to be taking it to the worst. Everything is topsy-turvy. Im so drained out after 2 weeks of gynae posting, long case up once again on monday morning, can't go back to KL till late friday night or saturday morning, gotta get back here by sunday evening... LIFE IS HELL!!!
At least had some good news from home just now. Both grandparents are doing quite well after whatever their going through at this moment. Mum is glad with granpa's progress, so am i. Duchess' recouperating will after the eye op last week, ted being in his usual arrogant & 'maid abusing' attitude.
I just miss everyone at home, after just leaving them for only 48 hours. Im homesick, miserable, sick, tired, bankrupt, about to collapse anytime soon...
@ 1530, 15012008, i don't think i can take it anymore...
Monday, January 14, 2008
Facing reality...
Been building castles in the air since young. Survived till now, which proves that the road to success was not that 'bumpy'... (yeah right) Though potholes here & there, still made it in one piece. This is the time of the year where my stress levels are way way beyond whatever i can handle has come. Less than a week away from gynae end of postings, a month short of the 'professional exam'.
I myself know that im so not prepared for EVERYTHING! I have absolutely no idea how am i going to face it, even the extra classes with Dr L freaks me out. Im not able to answer more than half of the questions that he went through with us, how on earth am i going to pass?
With less than 4 weeks to go, its impossible to finish reading every single topic in time (regardless whether i enter snoozieland or not!) Finish reading everything in time is 1 thing, whether it can be retained in the cerebral cortex is another problem. Everything seems to be so volatile as it evaporises out of my brain at the speed of light. I can't help it. Maybe i should try to put my brain under 'lock & key' from now on.
Going to wards in wee hours of the morning is a total waste of time. I DO NOT learn a single thing from the rounds, & covering your beds at night is even worse. By the time i come back im so drained out, so not in the mood to study, then i'll waste my time doing nothing till the next morning. Where on earth am i going to find time for me to study???
@ 1032, 14012008, a long week to come...
I myself know that im so not prepared for EVERYTHING! I have absolutely no idea how am i going to face it, even the extra classes with Dr L freaks me out. Im not able to answer more than half of the questions that he went through with us, how on earth am i going to pass?
With less than 4 weeks to go, its impossible to finish reading every single topic in time (regardless whether i enter snoozieland or not!) Finish reading everything in time is 1 thing, whether it can be retained in the cerebral cortex is another problem. Everything seems to be so volatile as it evaporises out of my brain at the speed of light. I can't help it. Maybe i should try to put my brain under 'lock & key' from now on.
Going to wards in wee hours of the morning is a total waste of time. I DO NOT learn a single thing from the rounds, & covering your beds at night is even worse. By the time i come back im so drained out, so not in the mood to study, then i'll waste my time doing nothing till the next morning. Where on earth am i going to find time for me to study???
@ 1032, 14012008, a long week to come...
Friday, January 11, 2008
Long journey home...
Driving back to ipoh in less than 5 hours time. I do wish that minus the 3 hour journey, just teleport there to the destination in seconds. Upon reaching, my dad has just planned a day FULL of activities, not even asking me if im tired or willing to do it! Go find the someone to get the back grill fixed, make complains about cracked walls, wait for the air-cond service man to come, entertain my uncle & grandmother before my parents arrive... All i wanted was to go home to an empty house, switch on the air-cond, shut myself out of civilization for just a few hours, & get a well deserved sleep!
Come on, i had a looooong disastrous week... Sleepless night, barely getting 2 hours of rest in a 24 hour period, morning rounds, classes till 1700 everyday... Who's not tired & drained out?
Nevertheless, im in 'pseudo-cloud-9' today. When i saw the graphs for previous int med SAQ results, my heart SANK into the deepest trench that man can find. There were 6 failures, with 1 D, i was so sure that i was 1 of them. To my amazement, I PASSED INT MED!!! I made it through alive this time (after failing it in sem 6). The main issue is that there won't be any counselling session for me (i hope)... MUAHAHAHA!!! Getting whatever grade to me is inmaterial, as long as i know that i passed...
@ 2357, 11012008, i can't sleep again...
Come on, i had a looooong disastrous week... Sleepless night, barely getting 2 hours of rest in a 24 hour period, morning rounds, classes till 1700 everyday... Who's not tired & drained out?
Nevertheless, im in 'pseudo-cloud-9' today. When i saw the graphs for previous int med SAQ results, my heart SANK into the deepest trench that man can find. There were 6 failures, with 1 D, i was so sure that i was 1 of them. To my amazement, I PASSED INT MED!!! I made it through alive this time (after failing it in sem 6). The main issue is that there won't be any counselling session for me (i hope)... MUAHAHAHA!!! Getting whatever grade to me is inmaterial, as long as i know that i passed...
@ 2357, 11012008, i can't sleep again...
Thursday, January 10, 2008
BUTS...
It's back. Fluctuating moods, difficulty in concentrating, lost of appetite, depressed for no apparent reason, social isolation, just wanna get the hell out of here! Back to not being myself. The thought of going to wards later makes things worse. Then a long day to come tomorrow... GOSH!!!
Im bored... BUT i don't know what to do...
Im homesick... BUT im stuck in this stupid place...
I miss my dog terribly... BUT I can't be with him 24/7
I miss my room... BUT I've gotta get home 1st...
I have tonnes to read up... BUT Im lazy...
Im hungry... BUT i don't have the appetite to eat...
Im having a migrane BUT im not doing anything about it...
BUT's BUT's & more BUT's... Or i should just give myself a SPANK on MY BUTT...
@ 1802, 10012008, WAKE UP!!!
Im bored... BUT i don't know what to do...
Im homesick... BUT im stuck in this stupid place...
I miss my dog terribly... BUT I can't be with him 24/7
I miss my room... BUT I've gotta get home 1st...
I have tonnes to read up... BUT Im lazy...
Im hungry... BUT i don't have the appetite to eat...
Im having a migrane BUT im not doing anything about it...
BUT's BUT's & more BUT's... Or i should just give myself a SPANK on MY BUTT...
@ 1802, 10012008, WAKE UP!!!
Greed...
HEAVENLY!
Can't find another word to describe it. It all boils down to the inability to resist my temptations to the sweet, the smell, the taste of sugar laden, smooth choc that melts in your mouth. As every piece enters your mouth, it just melts, sugar levels skyrocketing, the sudden surge of serotinin levels in your brain, euphoric, give you a sense of calmness, as if 'hellhole' exist no more!
It has been some time that i've resisted the temptation, could not anymore yesterday. Ended up in 7/11, due to limited choices (all the chocs there were either local products or made in china!), i settled with a bar of 35g toblerone milk choc.
Now, the postprandial effect, THAT'S THE DISASTER! Pounding migrane, as if your eyes are about to pop out, head about to explode, accompanying stiff neck, nauseous feeling, in presence of light making things worse! There should migrane-free chocs in the market, definitely a sell-out product. Though in a state of 'unsound mind' at the moment, there are no regrets, for the few minutes of ephoria that i had yesterday night, was worth every throb in my head at the moment...
@ 1243, 10012008, thank goodness it a holiday today...
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Dinotopia
At times i feel as though the place mentioned above really existed. What a shame that I LIVE IN IT! Existing in a place like this, it's more of a curse than a blessing.
Im just so sick of it. Dah MUAK pun. At times i do wonder if i can take it for another month to come. Enough is enough! You know what, life ain't that so simple after all. Life DOES NOT REVOLVE around you one person. I have a life to lead too, don't you know that?
@ 2218, 09012008...
Im just so sick of it. Dah MUAK pun. At times i do wonder if i can take it for another month to come. Enough is enough! You know what, life ain't that so simple after all. Life DOES NOT REVOLVE around you one person. I have a life to lead too, don't you know that?
@ 2218, 09012008...
Tom & Jerry...
That's what we were up too this morning. Walked into the wards at 0700, only to find that all my patients were still fast asleep! When gynae boss walked in at 0800, already half though our so called 'business rounds'. He decided to pick on bed 16 once more, & this time Mr C clerked. Since he was not our subgroup, why bother so much? Let them 'layan' the gynae bosslah. The 10 of us were hanging about the other end of the ward, when he was having fun with the other 10. A game of 'cat & mouse' i call it. Pretending to be discussing a case in front of a patient's bed, till bout 0900, when we couldn't stand it anymore, decided to head back to CSU to study.
The 5 of us hanged out in one of the csu rooms, talking aloud as if we own the place, doing our own stuff. We struck gold when 'gynae boss' of all people decided to walk in to get a chair! Luckily at that particular moment itself we were actually argueing something related to gynaecology! He gave us a hard stare, we assumed what we were talking, and he left. Later when he came to return the chair, only KY & I was left there, he asked : 'there are so many vagina's staring at you, why don't you do something?' We explained that we practiced on the models earlier in the morning. He left with a smirk.
Looks like life in gynae is not that bad. After all, i truly enjoy the session with gynae boss yesterday, despite being 'branded' for no goo reason. Today he picked on the other group, friday will be our turn. Just wait & see, surely there are more updates to come...
@ 1718, 09012008, snoozieland, here i come, heaven & peace now...
'Ponteng-er'
Branded another name this morning, all thanks to 'gynae boss'. DUH! It was really not my fault that i did not follow his ward rounds this morning. There was some 'miscommunication' along the way somewhere (that's just a polite excuse, honestly, i was not told of it at all!). Anyway, hope that he does not take it to heart & not pick on me during the future rounds.
It's rather a spooky feeling knowing as though they know you inside out. When they speak to you, it's as if they know you so much better than yourself! The best part is that they know what questions to ask, they know you through & through, they know what you do not know, when you do not know how to answer, what you are thinking at the moment!
Life in clinical school suddenly has been getting weirder by the moment. I feel as though my private life is existent no more, everyone around me knows me inside out, just that they do not mention it. They know who i hang out with, what kind of person i am, if i can tolerate the 'screwing', if i was ever existent in wards... Next will be they know im dating, when im getting married, if im still a virgin, or even if im pregnant! Why do people around me seem to be so 'into' the lives of others? Why can't they just leave me alone? Let me be whoever i am, not using my weaknesses against me, just let me lead a simple life? For all you know, this particular moment someone who is 'not supposed to' know the existence of this blog, is reading this particular post!
Despite all these, im actually having a blast in clinical school. I really do enjoy every moment of it. Although most of the time im in postings that i do not like, but, in the end of the day, im doing something that i truly enjoy. Heavy workload, long days currently, totally drained out, barely any time to take a break, but, it's more of personal satisfaction. Nothing else...
@ 0309, 09012008, can't i be left alone???
It's rather a spooky feeling knowing as though they know you inside out. When they speak to you, it's as if they know you so much better than yourself! The best part is that they know what questions to ask, they know you through & through, they know what you do not know, when you do not know how to answer, what you are thinking at the moment!
Life in clinical school suddenly has been getting weirder by the moment. I feel as though my private life is existent no more, everyone around me knows me inside out, just that they do not mention it. They know who i hang out with, what kind of person i am, if i can tolerate the 'screwing', if i was ever existent in wards... Next will be they know im dating, when im getting married, if im still a virgin, or even if im pregnant! Why do people around me seem to be so 'into' the lives of others? Why can't they just leave me alone? Let me be whoever i am, not using my weaknesses against me, just let me lead a simple life? For all you know, this particular moment someone who is 'not supposed to' know the existence of this blog, is reading this particular post!
Despite all these, im actually having a blast in clinical school. I really do enjoy every moment of it. Although most of the time im in postings that i do not like, but, in the end of the day, im doing something that i truly enjoy. Heavy workload, long days currently, totally drained out, barely any time to take a break, but, it's more of personal satisfaction. Nothing else...
@ 0309, 09012008, can't i be left alone???
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Irritated...
Irritabilty levels rising to the peak nowdays. The times that people 'misunderstand' you for not doing the things that you are supposed to do, the times that people 'think' that you are busy studying at home while others are slogging their butt off in the wards, the times that people 'assume' that you are plain 'kiasu' & selfish!!! Grow up! Im not bothered what others do about their lives, why should you people even care what i do at a daily basis? IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU ALL in the 1St place! IT's MY LIFE & PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!
Im sick of people asking me how am i, what time i go to bed, where were you this morning, how come i din't see you in wards, where are you going now... the list just goes on. Deep down i know that you people are plain curious what i do all day long, & believe me, i myself have no idea that i do! I hardly sleep, im not studying, im not in the wards, im not in IMU, only god knows what i do in my room!
Can't these people MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS??? It gets on my nerves when you interfere in my personal life. Be it im studying or sleeping, DEAD OR ALIVE, it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you people out there.
The next time anyone who phrases these questions again, trust me, im going to snap at you! I've had enough of these!
@ 1034, 08012008, post ward rounds... seminar with gynae boss next!
Im sick of people asking me how am i, what time i go to bed, where were you this morning, how come i din't see you in wards, where are you going now... the list just goes on. Deep down i know that you people are plain curious what i do all day long, & believe me, i myself have no idea that i do! I hardly sleep, im not studying, im not in the wards, im not in IMU, only god knows what i do in my room!
Can't these people MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS??? It gets on my nerves when you interfere in my personal life. Be it im studying or sleeping, DEAD OR ALIVE, it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you people out there.
The next time anyone who phrases these questions again, trust me, im going to snap at you! I've had enough of these!
@ 1034, 08012008, post ward rounds... seminar with gynae boss next!
Monday, January 7, 2008
Long days...
Even longer nights! Especially if you can't sleep. Was in snoozieland for barely 1 hour, when the morning call to the wards woke me up. Barely standing straight, dragged the lifeless body to wards, only to find out the ALL my beds were EMPTY! Hanged in there for a few minutes before the rounds started, then slumped into haeven (3 rattan sofa's, is better than nothing) at the last cubicle. Awaiting Dr S's arrival patiently, then he finally showed up. At least the session this morning was not entirely a waste of my time & effort. He taught us here & there, covering a few common topics.
It's just one of the days, meeting people that you never knew existed or ever meet. I mean, people that you really have to HUNT FOR when you are in need of their help! Bumped into both 'my parents' just now, waved at one & avoided the other.
Now back home, yet i can't sleep. At times i do wonder if there is anything wrong with the room, my bed or is it just me? I could barely open my eyes in the wards, yet, now im so energetic. Too bad the next TBL session is at noon, otherwise i would have gone for my morning swim. Double TBL's today, one after the other. The 1st is by Dr Z (who looks like a 'ham sap lou' if you ask me), not bad a teacher. Next up is with Dr S, known to be one of the 'nicest' people (but only to us few, don't know why). Topic still left unread, my brain is just not in it's functioning mode currently...
@1013, 07012008, not that bad what, im at home now...
It's just one of the days, meeting people that you never knew existed or ever meet. I mean, people that you really have to HUNT FOR when you are in need of their help! Bumped into both 'my parents' just now, waved at one & avoided the other.
Now back home, yet i can't sleep. At times i do wonder if there is anything wrong with the room, my bed or is it just me? I could barely open my eyes in the wards, yet, now im so energetic. Too bad the next TBL session is at noon, otherwise i would have gone for my morning swim. Double TBL's today, one after the other. The 1st is by Dr Z (who looks like a 'ham sap lou' if you ask me), not bad a teacher. Next up is with Dr S, known to be one of the 'nicest' people (but only to us few, don't know why). Topic still left unread, my brain is just not in it's functioning mode currently...
@1013, 07012008, not that bad what, im at home now...
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Get a LIFE!!!
Self pity, playing the sick role, sulking & sighing all day long... THAT's DEFINITELY NOT ME!!! Come on, get a grip of yourself & start smelling the roses on the other side! No one is born with a silver spoon in his/her mouth, lying comfortably on a bed of roses. Life DOES NOT revolve around you alone, but it's how you adapt to it. It has been a 23 year learning curve on how to tackle it, though the journey has been hard, but definitely a great learning experience. Expect more to come, as it has just begun, where this is only the tip of the iceberg.
I fail to understand certain individuals born with this particular kind of attitude. Life ain't that bad, it's just that you do not see the bright side of things. Oh, HOW SAD... See, now i gotta pity you too!!!
Im a stong believer that how you see things makes you what kind of person you are. Why do you always see the negative side of things? Is the attention offered lacking? Or, you are just plain attention seeking? I don't know, most probably a case of undiagnosed LOA who can be treated with LOA. That's the conclusion that i can make at this moment (coz i do suck at making differential diagnoses). If i do come up with more in the future, i shall blog about it again.
Thanks goodness im not this particular type of person, or else, i have no idea where i ended up. Sure not where i am today, i wouldn't have survived this far. Sure, i do complain all the time, but, sulking & sighing all the time plays no role in my life. There are better things to waste my time on than doing those 2 all the time! Self pity, yet another silent killer. Just because others do not pity you, you have to pity yourself! How ironic can that be? Honestly, i think it's time for you to get professional help (haha, the advice of a psychopath!).
@ 2058, 06012008, enough for now...
I fail to understand certain individuals born with this particular kind of attitude. Life ain't that bad, it's just that you do not see the bright side of things. Oh, HOW SAD... See, now i gotta pity you too!!!
Im a stong believer that how you see things makes you what kind of person you are. Why do you always see the negative side of things? Is the attention offered lacking? Or, you are just plain attention seeking? I don't know, most probably a case of undiagnosed LOA who can be treated with LOA. That's the conclusion that i can make at this moment (coz i do suck at making differential diagnoses). If i do come up with more in the future, i shall blog about it again.
Thanks goodness im not this particular type of person, or else, i have no idea where i ended up. Sure not where i am today, i wouldn't have survived this far. Sure, i do complain all the time, but, sulking & sighing all the time plays no role in my life. There are better things to waste my time on than doing those 2 all the time! Self pity, yet another silent killer. Just because others do not pity you, you have to pity yourself! How ironic can that be? Honestly, i think it's time for you to get professional help (haha, the advice of a psychopath!).
@ 2058, 06012008, enough for now...
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Polluted waste...
Haemat-stained-waste = POLLUTED !!!
What could be worse than that? Indicating that 'whatever' is in it's active phase at the moment of war, trying it's best to gain the attention of the sewage company!
Oh darn. It shouldn't had progressed so far. Been quite a while since it last behaved so badly, not expecting it's arrival now. Totally unprepared. Tried to suppress it's warning call with NSAIDs (which by the way did a wonderful job), took the turn for the worse just now. Was euphoric after the concoxion of anti-emetics, NSAIDs & anti-lavages, had dinner then supper, ending up in the worst state ever now! The only aim in life now is to live through tonight, survive tomorrow morning's bfast with WK, whatever happens after that i'd care less.
Do not wish to have any visits to the sewage company anytime soon. Anyway, they seem to fancy the use of a 'wait & see' policy for almost 1 year now. Since it's always the same (i.e. blind empirical therapy, then wait & see what happens) so, what's the point? The company is the best in town, why bother to go to another that's less established?
@ 0131, 05012008, hypovolaemic...
Friday, January 4, 2008
Waterwerks...
Lousy sewage would be more appropriate, if you may say so. The 'waterwerks' have been extra-hardworking for the past 24 hours, hyper-functioning. Maybe it's time to pay the SEWAGE COMPANY an un-invited visit? Or is it a longed expected one?
To supply or not to supply? Demands are in need but it comes with an expensive bill to pay. I can't afford it anytime now! It's either
no intake > no sugar > no brain function > incoherence + neurological instability
OR
intake > hyperfunctioning pipes > leaking up, down & middle > physical malfunction
So, which option shall it be? I'd rather have the 3rd, which is just put everything ON HOLD once & for all! Isn't that the easier way out? Both of the above ARE NOT toleratable or acceptable choices.
@ 1627, 04012008, wait & see policy seems to be failing...
To supply or not to supply? Demands are in need but it comes with an expensive bill to pay. I can't afford it anytime now! It's either
no intake > no sugar > no brain function > incoherence + neurological instability
OR
intake > hyperfunctioning pipes > leaking up, down & middle > physical malfunction
So, which option shall it be? I'd rather have the 3rd, which is just put everything ON HOLD once & for all! Isn't that the easier way out? Both of the above ARE NOT toleratable or acceptable choices.
@ 1627, 04012008, wait & see policy seems to be failing...
NSAIDs
It works wonders when you really do need them. Not considering the disastrous side effects that you can get if you take the wrong group some long time. Helps in relieving peritonism, but never the colic. No wonder it's known as non-steroidal ANTI-INFLAMMATORY drugs. DUH!
Tummy acting up once again, this time with peritonism & spiking temperatures. Started locally, progressively generalizing, even the act to moving hurts. A rather funny feeling if i may say so, as if it's your skin that hurts, not the insides. I guess my insides are just so 'mattered' up till it decided to get inflammed as usual, washed down 2 tabs of naproxen & a tab of stemetil after lavaging both superior & inferiorly just now. Just could not stand the pain anymore. At times like this im just so 'sick of life'. Sick of the fact that im still alive now!
It's late & i can't sleep. Partially due to the pain, partially due to some neighbours DOG somewhere which DOES NOT seem to STOP YAPPING! Common, it's 1 in the morning, IT IS TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING! As someone mentioned before, 'it's not easy to wake someone up at 2 in the morning!' I guess that statement is only true for people who 'pig' their way in snoozieland, like you maybe?
@ 0142, 04012008... Ouch!!!
Tummy acting up once again, this time with peritonism & spiking temperatures. Started locally, progressively generalizing, even the act to moving hurts. A rather funny feeling if i may say so, as if it's your skin that hurts, not the insides. I guess my insides are just so 'mattered' up till it decided to get inflammed as usual, washed down 2 tabs of naproxen & a tab of stemetil after lavaging both superior & inferiorly just now. Just could not stand the pain anymore. At times like this im just so 'sick of life'. Sick of the fact that im still alive now!
It's late & i can't sleep. Partially due to the pain, partially due to some neighbours DOG somewhere which DOES NOT seem to STOP YAPPING! Common, it's 1 in the morning, IT IS TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING! As someone mentioned before, 'it's not easy to wake someone up at 2 in the morning!' I guess that statement is only true for people who 'pig' their way in snoozieland, like you maybe?
@ 0142, 04012008... Ouch!!!
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
OBGYN
It sucks being in a posting that you DO NOT enjoy. Especially with the part where you have to get up wee hours in the morning just to do the so called 'business rounds' to prevent getting srewed by 'gynae boss'. DUH! Hilarious aint it? Wasting time just to know the DIAGNOSIS & PLAN OF MANAGEMENT, not even knowing who the patient is. I feel that it's truely a waste of time. Time should be better spent in snoozieland instead to repay all the sleep debts the night before. At least this time round gynae boss has been more reasonable & flexible, where rounds are not to be conducted by 20 people at one time!
Arggh! I just do not like O&G, be it the obs or the gynae part. It's tough reading through the topics, when you totally do not enjoy them. Im trying my best to be on the positive side of things now. At least:
1. this is my last posting in sem 9
2. it only lasts for 4 weeks
3. 3 out of the 4 weeks are only 4 day weeks
4. business rounds are not every morning - thank goodness
5. gynae boss seems to be a fun guy to be around with!
It's only day 2, and i seem to be complaining my head off. At times i do wish if it all ends quickly, but, honestly, i do not. Finishing OBGYN means it's time for sem 9 finals, and IM TOTALLY NOT PREPARED to face it. Been screwing up end of posting after end of posting, already exceeded to quota, seriously in bad conditions academically, adding in the 'unsound' mind, a disaster waiting to happen!!!
@ 1851, 02012008, how can i survive this???
Arggh! I just do not like O&G, be it the obs or the gynae part. It's tough reading through the topics, when you totally do not enjoy them. Im trying my best to be on the positive side of things now. At least:
1. this is my last posting in sem 9
2. it only lasts for 4 weeks
3. 3 out of the 4 weeks are only 4 day weeks
4. business rounds are not every morning - thank goodness
5. gynae boss seems to be a fun guy to be around with!
It's only day 2, and i seem to be complaining my head off. At times i do wish if it all ends quickly, but, honestly, i do not. Finishing OBGYN means it's time for sem 9 finals, and IM TOTALLY NOT PREPARED to face it. Been screwing up end of posting after end of posting, already exceeded to quota, seriously in bad conditions academically, adding in the 'unsound' mind, a disaster waiting to happen!!!
@ 1851, 02012008, how can i survive this???
I just have to get some stuff off my mind before i enter snozieland later. Im lost, literally. Most of the time i don't know what im doing. It seems as if my brain is detached from my body. The network is down. Server offline i guess. The messages do not seem to reach their destinations. Hands performing some tasks as the brain floats in another world of it's own.
I don't know what is going through my mind this moment. Preoccupied with so many things till i don't know where to begin. There just are countless things to be processed. Im confused. Im tired. I can't think straight. Im going to 'shut down' soon.
It is as if all my brain mater is put into a giant blender, switched on to the fastest it can go. It keeps spining as a 'merry-go-round' in there. Whatever colour is the contents, i don't know. Whatever's in the contents, i have no idea. What a mess...
Time heals. I hope that is true. But, what i lack now is time. 24 hours a day is not enough for me. With a tight schedule the next 4 weeks, i don't think i have time for myself. I need a break from everything, everyone and everywhere. Desperately in need to sit down, think things over, especially discovering the 'soul' in me...
@ 0245, 02012008
I don't know what is going through my mind this moment. Preoccupied with so many things till i don't know where to begin. There just are countless things to be processed. Im confused. Im tired. I can't think straight. Im going to 'shut down' soon.
It is as if all my brain mater is put into a giant blender, switched on to the fastest it can go. It keeps spining as a 'merry-go-round' in there. Whatever colour is the contents, i don't know. Whatever's in the contents, i have no idea. What a mess...
Time heals. I hope that is true. But, what i lack now is time. 24 hours a day is not enough for me. With a tight schedule the next 4 weeks, i don't think i have time for myself. I need a break from everything, everyone and everywhere. Desperately in need to sit down, think things over, especially discovering the 'soul' in me...
@ 0245, 02012008
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Resolutions...
Something that i seem to make on a yearly basis, but seems to be forgotten the very next day! Hope that with this post up, it shall keep me in mind what resolutions i had made this year...
1. Studies
Oh, i've really got to 'buck up' and detach from streamyx from this moment on. All eyes on the books. I just suddenly realized how much i had to cover for sem 9 finals which is in 4 weeks time. Plus the long days and night calls of O&G, it's going to be a tough road. As wk says... 'as long as there is time left, there is hope, the KEY is don't give up yet!' Thanks loads gal, i really needed that!
2. Diet
Would stop my 'cookie monster' regular diet of milk & cookies, that shall only be applicable for snacks in between. I must take at least a proper meal OD, with the target ro reach a TDS meal plan. Will not force myself into it, just in case the piping can't handle the high pressure. See what happens gradually.
3. Sleep
Revamp & reschedule all the sleeping hours during the coming end of sem hols. I can't afford to do it now... Exams are up soon... I'll try along the way...
4. Health
Shall get ALL those issues settled by September this year. That's my target. Pretty far you may say, all because I DO NOT HAVE THE TIME TO DO IT NOW! Unless something happens (touchwood), i'll just take it as it comes.
5. Attitude
Be less 'eruptive' towards little bro & parents? Less snappy towards other people? At times, i just can't help it when you stepped on 'my tail'. It's not always my fault that im like that. I'll put on my best behaviour, but if i can't help it, SORRY!!!
6. Time
Spend more time with grandparents. More visits back to Ipoh & Bidor. Everyone is getting old, not many have many years to come. Less complains when we have to go back, treasure each others company instead of complain of the burden. Take it as quality time spent instead as a commitment.
7. Finance
START SAVING & SPEND LESS!!! It's time that i stop spending on unnessaary items like soft toys & CD's. The amount that i have is enough to open my own toys 'r' us ! Monthly finances should be managed more efficiently and cutting down on junkfood as well!
That's all for now. I doubt that i can even keep 1 of them. But, life still goes on...
@ 0215, 01012008, post 1st lavage in 2008...
1. Studies
Oh, i've really got to 'buck up' and detach from streamyx from this moment on. All eyes on the books. I just suddenly realized how much i had to cover for sem 9 finals which is in 4 weeks time. Plus the long days and night calls of O&G, it's going to be a tough road. As wk says... 'as long as there is time left, there is hope, the KEY is don't give up yet!' Thanks loads gal, i really needed that!
2. Diet
Would stop my 'cookie monster' regular diet of milk & cookies, that shall only be applicable for snacks in between. I must take at least a proper meal OD, with the target ro reach a TDS meal plan. Will not force myself into it, just in case the piping can't handle the high pressure. See what happens gradually.
3. Sleep
Revamp & reschedule all the sleeping hours during the coming end of sem hols. I can't afford to do it now... Exams are up soon... I'll try along the way...
4. Health
Shall get ALL those issues settled by September this year. That's my target. Pretty far you may say, all because I DO NOT HAVE THE TIME TO DO IT NOW! Unless something happens (touchwood), i'll just take it as it comes.
5. Attitude
Be less 'eruptive' towards little bro & parents? Less snappy towards other people? At times, i just can't help it when you stepped on 'my tail'. It's not always my fault that im like that. I'll put on my best behaviour, but if i can't help it, SORRY!!!
6. Time
Spend more time with grandparents. More visits back to Ipoh & Bidor. Everyone is getting old, not many have many years to come. Less complains when we have to go back, treasure each others company instead of complain of the burden. Take it as quality time spent instead as a commitment.
7. Finance
START SAVING & SPEND LESS!!! It's time that i stop spending on unnessaary items like soft toys & CD's. The amount that i have is enough to open my own toys 'r' us ! Monthly finances should be managed more efficiently and cutting down on junkfood as well!
That's all for now. I doubt that i can even keep 1 of them. But, life still goes on...
@ 0215, 01012008, post 1st lavage in 2008...
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