Dying...

In the end of the day, everyone will die. Just a matter of time, when, where... That's the uncertainty about it. If im ever to die anytime soon, i'd rather it be a quick & painless death, not a slow, agonizing & suffering one.


Seeing people grow old... Gosh, even the idea of growing old freaks me out already! Imagine all you skin loose & wrinkled up, fat sagging on every inch of your body, your internal organs shutting down one by one, your senses failing you, brittle bones & muscle aches all day long... OMG! I can't ever imagine going through that phase. I'd rather be healthy & alive then just drop dead the next second! It better be a surprise than an agonzing wait to die.

When you reach that age, you just feel useless. Leading a no purpose life, day in day out, doing nothing other than waiting for the time to die. You can't read coz you are partially blind, you can't watch TV or listen to the radio coz you are deaf, you can't enjoy your favourite meals coz you have no teeth, you can't take the dogs out for a walk coz your legs are weak, you can't write coz your hands tremor... Is there still a reason why you should live on? You can't do NUTS about anything. All you have left in this world is your money & family. That's it.

Try answering this question... 'Do you think grandpa has long to live?'

Oh, i don't know... if i ever knew, i won't be sitting here right this moment. I wish i knew. Then, i would know how to answer mum. I think grandpa would be glad to know when. It's not whether he would prefer to know it or not, but, i'd rather he knew. Then, he would not just sit there, day in day out, waiting for the moment to come. The waiting process is the one that's killing, not the dying. He is deteriorating, physically & mentally. Don't ask me how i know, i just know. Barely seen him for a week, he looked different. It's as if he lost 10kg's in the past week. That's how bad the situation is now. Sunken cheeks, wasted calf muscles, skeleton like... All in a week.

Honestly, im not afraid to loose him. It's what happens to mum after that that im really worried about. I worried that she might just loose it, go nuts, cuckoo... get the picture??? She herself is worried too. Though she has prepared herself mentally, i don't think that she can handle it. She'll just have a mental breakdown. Even nowdays she's been mentally unstable. She's so stressed up till she can't make simple decisions, gets irritated easily, sad & down most of the time. I don't know what to do. Im not the kind that come up with those 'flowery' words to calm you down. It's not that im not sensitive to my surroundings, i cope with issues in a different way. I cope on my own, in my own world, out of others' sight. Im not the kind that 'open' up to someone, then cry all day long. Oh, i don't know. Making it through these next 4 weeks shall be the greatest battle in my life. Seeing grandpa living through the upcoming CNY, then if i ever live through end of sem 9 exams, getting my problems sorted out before going to BP... Whatever it is, it's there. Just waiting for the perfect moment to come. Im so sick of waiting. If things ever want to happen, why can't it just happen now? Why letting me go through this agonizing wait?

@ 2024, 28012008, KILL ME!!!