GOODBYE 2007 :->

There goes another year. For the past 23 years that i've lived through, one thing is for sure, there are NO REGRETS. 2007 was another one of the 'usual' years, i had my fair share of laughters, sarcasm, throwing tantrums, dissappointments, shedding tears... Considering that nothing really great happened... (except for losing more than 10 kg's unintentionally, changing pants sizes every few months, thus spending more big bucks!)

I really am going to miss 2007. This was the year that i found out who my true friends were, been through heaven & hell, experienced both depressive & manic episodes, met people who brought happiness as well as misery to my life, the year that i began to BLOG!

Still in the process of going through the roller coaster of life, anticipating much more to come. But 1 thing is for sure, i've yet to find out who i really am, my own identity. Till now im still an aimless soul, floating about, seeking the real me & purpose in life...

@ 2336, 31122007, coming soon...

2007 and counting...

It's the last 6 hours of 2007. Time flies before you realize it. This coming new year is going to be a lonely one for me. Im not home, stuck in hellhole, not with my buddies, NOT EVEN MY DOG! Actually the 1st time im spending it away from home, since young. I never had to attend any of those 'new year countdown' parties. I've been staying in Sunway for the last 14 years. A yearly annual event of fireworks can be heard 'polluting' the air when the clock strikes midnight!

New year eve is traditionally spent in my home by lazing around in front of the TV, the complete family, with the dogs snuggled under our feet or together on the couches. Whatever movie on TV will be on, till the blasts are heard, then we would just go out to enjoy the spectecular fireworks display. This year, changes are made. Im stuck in 'hellhole', both my parents will be on their way back to granny's tonight, the dogs left at home with the maid. Oh, how i wish it was like old times. But, it looks like this year would be the turning point of our lives, & my new year eve's are about to change forever...

2007... Up's & down's, but i made it through in 1 piece...

January : Whatever that when in, it just 'popped' out.
February : Survived sem 7 finals
March : Branded as being 'inhumane'
April : 1st encounter with 'redhead'
May : Ended of 8 weeks of minor posting fun, barely paseed the exams,
June : Branded as a 'drug addict'
July : Had a blast doing surgery for selectives
August : Vet med in UPM, was fun
September : Begun sem 9 with anaes, extended holidays for another month!
October : Surgery posting, truly enjoyed it.
November : Paeds was made hell like, thanks to some idiot. Made it through anyhow.
December : The climax of the year, thanks to medicine posting & the presence of 'redhead'!

2008... HIGHLIGHTS of whatever is in stored for me...

January : Just hope that won't be slaughtered alive by Dato S!
February : END OF SEM 9!!!
March-August : 'Hellhole' seems to be migrating further south! (if i survive through sem 9 finals)
August : Graduating after 5 years of slogging my butt off.
September : Im gonna get ALL my problems settled once & for all, no more in denial mode! (if ever im still alive then)
October / November : If i ever survive this far, it would be the begining of working life for me!

After looking through the past & future, im just thankful that 2007 went on 'pretty smothly', without much disasters & mishaps which i could not handle. Just pray & hope that 2008 will be a more fruitful & enjoyable year to come.

@ 1810, 31122007... im so drained, i'll just spend my last few hours of 2007 in snoozieland, if i ever get there...

The Last Laugh

It's a pity that 'the last laugh' was not mine, belonged to 'redhead' instead. Here i stand defeated towards her. I've had enough in the past 4 weeks, and thank goodness it's all over now.

Was really my luck that my patient overlapped with someone else's. Arggh. I was overjoyed when i got the slip from AAD, was 100% sure that it was a liver case, & i had 'taruh kau kau' on the topic the night before. To my HORROR when i approached the bed, it was a case of COPD! I flipped through the BHT then realised that WAS NOT THE PATIENT! Approached the nurse at the counter, was told that my patient apparently had 'changed beds'. Skipping along towards the designated bed, to find that another student was already clerking him for her exam. DARN! I FREAKED! Called AAD immediately, was standing in front of the census book. Skeeming through the names and bed numbers as the lady on the other side read it out loud, only to find that ALL OF THEM WERE ALREADY DISCHARGED!!! Finally she came up with a reserved patient of another examiner, and it was from the ward opposite! #@*$!! I totaly had NO IDEA what cases were in that ward...

Hopped over, finally found my patient & started calming my nerves down as i flipped open the BHT. My the time i settled down it was already half an hour gone, at least AAD had the courtesy to tell me that they would inform my examiner that i started late.

Clerked the pakcik, was irritated initially because when i asked him stuff, i would tell me 'saya tak ingat lah'. Anyways, i had to proceed. As time past we made friends and he began to be more open to me. Finally, we even joked with each other at times. He was such a complicated person with MULTISYSTEMIC problems. His problem list went on and on and on, from DM > HPT > previous stroke > previous MI > gastritis > recent cataract surgery > erectile dysfunction! A complete disaster waiting to happen! Ironically, he was PERFECTLY WELL when i examined him, NOT a single physical sign. I did every physical examination as in the textbooks (except fundoscopy, which i totally forgot about it & was screwed later). I had so so much time till he even interviewed me.

Exams started at 1030, where all the 4 of us were ushered into the dr on-call room. Was rather awkward. All 4 facing 'redhead', the air-cond was NOT functioning, chairs were so uncomfortable, fan kept blowing into my face, tummy churning inside out, i was about to collapse, dead tired (after a sitting on the toilet bowl the whole night, ending up in KFC at 5am as there was a power cut, had a morning bath while groping around in the dark, in IMU by 0715...) Slept through the Mr P's entire presentation, when she wanted to go see the patient, i was so reluctant to get off my seat! Slumbered to the bedside, continued to STONE! The next in line was Mr A, that time it had got to my nerves. I did not have the patience anymore to listen to ALL THE CRAP! He could hardly answer any of the questions, and i was getting irritated by the minute. (not that im good, it's just that when you are in a situation like that, you would like it to end ASAP!). After the grueling process of poor Mr A being srewed, i was up. It went like this...

Me : My patient is Mr blah blah blah, till when i reached... He presented with epigastric pain 20 minutes prior to admission at 2.45 in the morning.

R : I heard that your patient is not coorperative & is unwilling to talk. How did you manage to get the history?

Me : HUH? He was a nice man. I got the history from him.

R : (with a sarcastic smirk) I guess your 'charm' worked on him! Go on...

I repeated the whole thing once more when...

R : HUH! 20 MINUTES???

Me : Yeah, it only takes him 15 minutes to get to the hospital, & his grandson drove him here.

R : Do you know that it's not easy to wake someone up especially at 2 in the morning? You know how hard is it for you to get up? (Smirking away sarcastically!)

Me : Haha. (thinking aloud : Im still wide awake at 2, so what's the fuss about? Why should i even care? As long as he came here in a piece & is still alive now! )

Anyway, i continued, when i reached the differential diagnosis part...

R : What's your diagnosis?

Me : Gastritis... (before i could continue...)

R : WHAT?? How can that be your diagnosis? Based on his age and .........

(FATAL MISTAKE! I totally got screwed. But, she could had given me a chance to talk 1st! I had my reasons, which i DID NOT EVEN had a chance to tell you!)

Then it went on...

R : More differentials...

Me : Ahem, gastritis, PUD...

R : Aren't those 2 the same?

Me : Yeah. (but inside me i knew it was different, i was just not in the mood to argue with her). Pneumonia, pulmonary embolism, acute pancreatitis... (by now, i was exhausted of diagnoses...)

R : More! More! Remember, an elderly gentleman...

Me : Ruptured aortic aneurysm!

R : HE WOULD BE DEAD ON ARRIVAL IN THE A&E! Dissecting aortic aneurysm u meant?

Me : Yeah, whatever.

I was already so FED UP with her sarcasm then. My tummy was KILLING INSIDE! Finally, we proceeded to the patient's bedside.

R : What's the BP?

Me : (It was my chance to talk!!!) 120/80mmHg, Pulse ... I just blurted out everything that i could remember. I stopped short when she stared at me as if her eyes would pop out! I ended with 'he has no findings. Everything IS NORMAL.'

R : Lets interpret the ECG.

Me : Ok. Went on with blah blah blah... There's a LBBB.

R : So, how would you know if it's a full block or half block from the ECG?

Me : I have absolutely NO IDEA!

R : This time she was speechless... Stared at me hard. She taught us anyway.

Finally it was over... What a relief. But the worse was yet to come! The 1 to 1 feedback session...

R : How are you?

Me : LOUSY! (I slumped into the chair. I was tired. I was about to collapse. I just wanted to GO HOME!!!)

R : Anyway, u did OK. Above average. Good try.

Me : Aha. (i did not response further, was just too tired to do so!)

R : I give you a *0.

Me : Aha. (common, whaddya expect? Me jumping in joy? You are so so freaking 'chiam siap'! As expected la, i was already prepared for it since DAY 1! I could barely sit upright then!)

R : You may go now.

I was just so overjoyed & relieved that everything was over! I think i forgot to even THANK her!

As you see, that's how MEDICINE ended. The SAQ's were fair, it's just that i did not study for them! I think i screwed it up, as i ALWAYS screw up for MEDICINE! Im just not born to do it i guess. I can never get those thing's right. Just hope & pray that if i don't make it through i won't get a 1 to 1 counselling session with 'redhead' (coz she's the head of department you see!).

@ 1654, 31122007... she had all the fun, INDEED!

Era of 'REDHEAD'

Im driving myself nuts thinking about tomorrow's long case. Given up for good. Whatever happens tomorrow, THAT'S IT! It is the END OF MEDICINE!!!

The main issue here is facing 'redhead' tomorrow. I have no idea what is there to freak out about her, and it looks like im the only person having all these 'crazy ideas'. She gives everyone such a GOOD IMPRESSION, except me. Few more hours to go, insomnic & lavaging as usual.

Anyway, received superb news from home this morning. My litle bro got straight A's for his recent PMR exams (not including mandarin, of course!). KUDOS to him for all the hard work (blek, after all the time you spent in front of the idiot box!). Muahaha, a pat on your back.

Arghh, im just so lazy to hit the books. Tonnes & tonnes to read up, CRAZY MANN!!!

@ 0129, 28122007... last few hours of medicine...

Morning call...

COUNTDOWN!!! As time ticks away, it's getting closer & closer to facing the ULTIMATE CHALLENGE!!!

End of posting up once more, but the thrill of waiting for it this time just can't stop the butterflies in my tummy. In actual fact, not knowing who you will get is a blessing, KNOWING it is a KILLER! The worst is yet to come, as i already know that i'll get 'redhead', which means that the highest that she ever offers is a mere B-. So STINGY in giving marks!

Got a morning call at 0720 this morning, of all places, it was from IMU! Just got into snoozieland, i though it was my alarm going off, i just switched it off automatically. After knowing that it was way too early for it to go off, i decided to check & i actually received a call from IMU! I totally freaked! It's exam week, the worst scenario (or actually it would be a blessing) is that my long case woud be held this morning. Paid nature a call then revisited slumberland, only to receive another morning call at 0750! At least this time i was prepared. Answered it in a groogy mood. I was BARELY AWAKE! It was AAD, informing me that my exam was TOMORROW MORNING! GOOD GRIEF, WHY CAN'T YOU WAIT TILL LATER TO INFORM ME!

Slumped back into slumberland as tummy was in a disastrous state. Phone went on buzzing & buzzing non-stop with text messages in between! A total disaster! Drifing in & out of consciousness...

@ 1404, 27122007, anticipation...

OUT of slumberland, BACK to reality...

Can't believe it that my Christmas holidays ARE OVER!!! NO! NO! NO! I just started to enjoy it today! Spent the last 6 days at the LAST PLACE I WOULD EVER WANTed TO! IN BED! Finally felt better today and GOT OUT OF IT!

A total disaster of holidays, but i do hope that im on my way of recovery. After a long wednesday, finally survived the 4 & 1/2 hour journey back to ipoh, collapsed immediately in bed for the next 4 DAYS! Was down with the WORST of ever whatever i had, agonizing & nerve wrecking... The combination of an exploding headache, aching muscles, bowels ripping apart!!! Nothing beats that! This time one thing is for sure, if i could survive that for the past 4 days, im sure to survive anything in the future!

At least i got my present from santa today. Felt much more alive when i got up at 0900 this morning, told myself that im getting out of bed FOR SURE today, and i managed to survive till after breakfast 1130... Collapsed back till about 1630, managed to meet up with some of the 'greatest people on earth' till 2100, comatose till now. And guess what? Now im so WIDE AWAKE, and i've to drive back to 'hellhole' in 5 hours time!

End of postings up once again on Friday... (Erm, i think so, coz no one actually asked 'her' when was it) Which indirectly means that there is A ZILLION OF STUFF TO READ UP IN THIS 2 DAYS!!! Aduhai, habislah kali ini! Mana cukup masa untuk habis baca???

@ 0220, 26122007, doomed!!!

Social segregation???

M's occupying one half, the C's the other. Pretty obvious isn't? HAH, welcome to the REAL WORLD my friends. Even within the group itself, the subgroupings were real obvious. Social outcasts alone, others tightly bonded. I guess it's just human nature to do so. You'll stick to your own kind, those that will benefit you for sure! Birds of the same kind 'fly' together, remember???

But now, its even happening at a smaller scale. Everyday, day in, day out. WHAT THE @#*%!!! If you really want ot make it happen, make it less obvious, hou mou? Some poeple just have un-reasonable grudges against each other, all thanks to the 'super duper kiasu' attitude. Sorry for mentioning that, BUT IT's TRUE! What to do? Sure say it out loud la! Unlike some people who 'butter & jam coat' whatever they say!

I just don't get those from our species. Why with these attitudes? The conditions are not even 'survival of the fetus' or 'do or die' yet. Surely it's if you WORK YOUR ASS OFF now, you get the benefits later. But its this an excuse for them to behave as such? Can't they just NOT GIVE A DAMN to what others do or decide everyday? Why must they know all our actions? Who gave them the right to tell us what they think about us? WHY DON'T THEY JUST SHUT THEIR PIE HOLE & THINK ABOUT THEIR OWN ATTITUDE FOR A CHANGE?

You know what? IM NOT BOTHERED ANYMORE! Say all you want! Do all you want! Hurt others ALL YOU WANT! In the end of the day, what goes around comes around!

@ 1953, 18122007, just had to put it in words...

Fast food intoxication...

The gall bladder of mine has been working 'extra hard' this past 2 weeks, thanks to all the intake of lipid laden meals on a daily basis. Oh yes, it's yummy yummy fast food. Arteries clogging up in the process, and i'd better not regret whatever intake im having now 20 years down the road. Though already intoxicated, im still unable to satisfy all my cravings. Having withdrawals like inability to concentrate, nocturnal hunger, depression...

Unable to satisfy all the cravings, mainly due to that stupid tummy of mine which is unable to contain all it's contents effectively as well as financial constraint. Going pretty 'pok kai' these few weeks, from buying christmas presents, spending on junk food & fast food instead of proper meals.

Missed the KFC craving yesterday night, & it came back in the middle of ward rounds just now! Was not paying attention to whatever was going on, haha, brain already teleported itself to KFC in jusco! It was so real, as if i was standing at the counter, deciding what to order... Returned to reality soon after that, before anyone else could realize what was going on with me.

@1214, 18122007, dog tired, just fueled up with milk, digestives & cottage fries...

rain...

Another one of those days that i just wished that i could snuggle in bed, with all my pillows and blankie, either enter snoozieland with sweet dreams or just to read a good story book. Nah, not today. Im just so tied up with tonnes of int med to read up, no more good story books waiting to be read, & purely insomnic. Just started raining once more, one of those again that will last for days.

Was just in time to stop the junkfood 'withdrawals'. Ended up in good'ole tesco, spent almost rm30++ on 4 litres of milk and junk food! With this appetite, i'll be ending up 'broke' soon. My current diet consists mainly of milk. I sort of gave up on 100+, vitagen & ribena, coz if im taking milk, at least i still get some calcium in, or at least contains more nutrients than the other options. (haha, fat hopes!!!) At the same time, it does help with the muscular cramps lately. (placebo effect???)

Cravings for KFC just started, but it is raining! Im so lazy to drive out there, brave the rain (risk of getting myself wet & sticky & dirty once more, not forgetting getting sick), just to get my dose of mash potatoes, coleslaw & the sweet bun. Wait, will change my mind soon enough if the cravings get worse later...

@ 0243, 18122007, neverending cravings... how to satisfy them all???

Friends... Can't live with them, yet, can't live without them!

A statement that contradicts itself. Sad, but true. Im been in the 'best of both worlds'. Had a blast last weekend, with 3 of my bestest buddies, when...

A : Im antisocial, not like u ppl. I don't have any friends...

P : How bout those ppl in IMU? Your coursemates? Your housemates? Don't worry, you have US as your friends...

Thanks a lot for just saying that. You really made my day. Honestly, the number of friends that i have, can be counted using the fingers on my hands. Though few, i am thankful having them as my friends. They are the shoulder that i cry on, the people that i can put my life in their hands, the selected few that i am willing to put my life at stake for...

These are the 'angels' that are hard to come by. They do not just 'pop' into your life on a daily basis. It is when you are in the dumps like im in now make you think of them, make you miss their company, make you wanting to just see their face, just have a chat over the phone, just have a drink together.

@ 2207, 17122007, just crappy due to junkfood withdrawal symps... going to tesco to satisfy my cravings soon...

What a life!!!

Woke up from the wrong side of the bed just now. Im in such a temper that im about to 'explode' in front of anyone who annoy's me anythime soon. It's just not my day, and some particular person out there better 'STOP BUGGING ME'! It's time tha these certain souls just give me alone, give me some space, some time to myself...

Totally not in the mood to go clerk any patient for CP later, taking it as an obligation, a job instead of something that im willing to do. Shall just see if the patient i clerk last week is still there, if yes, then hooray for me. Done nothing this week that has been related to medicine, stoning in all the CP's & tbl's, otherwise missing in action...

@0818, 14122007, at least im going home today...

Childhood hero...

Got myself an early christmas present this year. Had my eyes feasted on it during the sales last time round, but was too late when i went back to get it. Then, out of sheer luck it was 50% off just now... My Childhood buddy...

Suffocated in the plastic bag...

Flat, totally... coz it's vacuum packed.

All fluffed up and ready to be my buddy for life...

Really do miss those days where you just sit down, relax & enjoy your favourite shows on TV all day long. No worries, no idiots bothering you, where you existence in this world never mattered.

@ 2314, 13122007, how i wish if i could always be as happy as elmo all the time...

Agitation...

Lack of sleep -> brain dysfunction -> agitation = BAD MOOD!!!

Hardly slept in the past 24 hours. The longest period that i was 'unconscious' was merely 1 HOUR! Pipes still leaking, bad sewage despite the CONTINOUS intake of 'mints', 'jack in the box' acting up again... Thankful for 1 thing though, in this past 48 hours...... DINO CALL FREE!!! Oh yeah, wouldn't it be a blessing if it could just go on for another night? At least till i get back to KL tomorrow.... Hehehe -_-

Leaving for CP soon, hope that it's not a waste of time. Even pray harder that i do not leak in between. Won't be attending the afternoon class. I just am drained out of energy at this moment. It takes a miracle for me to even make it to the hospital for CP now...

@1027, 13122007

Leaky pipes...

When something goes wrong with the plumbing it's still acceptable, but when a leaky pipe comes into picture, it's a different story alltogether. New crop out of the core, newest member in the family, which is causing the MOST trouble.

Disaster will soon strike, all available options already utilized, and yet not getting desirable results. For now it's still in the mid 5 of the ritcher scale, but it better not escalate anytime soon, as i do not have time for all these nonsence, definitely not looking foward to any embarassing accidents...

@ 2019, 12122007, waiting for time to heal itself... dreamer...

Ironic world...

SLEEP...

"A natural periodic state of rest for the mind and body, in which the eyes usually close and consciousness is completely or partially lost, so that there is a decrease in bodily movement and responsiveness to external stimuli."


Is that really true? Im in need of it as much as possible. I can't sleep during the day, i can't sleep during the night, i just can't fall asleep! Having another 1 of those 'pounding migranes', plus bowel incontinence, how bad can it be?

No matter what, it's still not as bad as going for an open appendectomy under GA, making a decision to go for it in less than 1/2 hour, when you are asymptomatic! This proves that some ironic idiot out there is just in for the money. Started with a normal consultation, went on with a colono, unexpected banding, ended up with lodging, then ultrasound in the morning, in which led to an appendectomy despite ALL NORMAL results!


People do crazy stuff & make crazy decisions all the time.It's understandable if you make these decisions when you are in 'untoleratable' pain & suffering, but definitely not just because of over-utilization of neurones for the wrong reasons! Going through a scope may be nothing, but definitely not MAJOR SURGERY!!! Who in the sane mind would do it willingly???


It's also a blessing that everything went well, & from now on there shall be no more reasons to complain! Ain't that great? No more excuses, no more complains, because IT IS ALL OUT!!!
Muahaha...

@1548, 12122007, where's snoozieland???

Im losing IT!!!

SANITY, come back!!! Being unable to sleep (night & day) is driving me NUTS, medicine driving me CRAZY, my gut driving me to SUICIDE! Im so lightheaded now as im about to collapse, YET, I CAN'T SLEEP!!! The last time i slept was at 6 this morning, woke up at 0700 (dino call), 0900 (nature call), 1100 (text mes call). So frustrated till i woke up!

I just lie in bed, head spinning as if im on a merry-go-round, brain in total shut-down mode, BUT, EYES WIDE OPEN! Do give me a buzz if anyone of you out there knows what this condition is call, and most importantly if there is a cure.

Mood swings are back for no apparent reason, plumber decided to take leave today, fluid overloaded till legs are oedematous, and yet, the blood still fail to reach the brain of mine. Nephro presentation up in 5 hours time, and i can't remember a thing that i've put on the slides. HOW HOW HOW???

I really feel that im losing whatever sanity that i have left (if i ever had it in the 1st place). I don't even know what to think of life anymore. It's not worth living for. I have no idea what is my purpose of being here...

I DON'T WANT TO...

1. suffer anymore pain

2. stay in sban anymore

3. study medicine anymore

4. STAY ALIVE ANYMORE!!!

@ 0246, 12122007... THAT'S IT!!! PERIOD.

Ain't that bad...

It just takes a 3 1/2 hour session, by a great 'salesman', to successfully sells his products, giving you the other point of view of medicine. Thanks to you Prof B, im not disliking medicine as i used to before this. I finally get to see the whole point of it why i got myself into this position in the 1st place. But, you know what, it's rather different when you open the books up to read. The way a condition is explained is just so direct, straight to the point of facts, not problem solving... That's what that makes me 'dis-intrested' after reading it for less that 5 minutes.

At least im down with the cardiovascular system... Let see how many more to go...

1. Cardiovascular system

2. Respiratory system (another great teacher next week, looking foward to that class)

3. Gastrointestinal system (m'sia's no. 1, but not a 'great' teacher)

4. Renal system (we shall see tomorrow morning)

5. Endocrine system (session over, but totally blur bcoz i missed all her sessions)

6. Neurological system (new guy on the block, up next week, shall see how it goes)

7. Rheumatology (miss FFK number 1, did not bother to attend her class anyway)

8. Infectious disease (session was fun, but too lazy to read up more on the topics)

1 posting, 8 main systems, if each system comes with at least 4 subtopics, it makes 32, then each subtopic comes with multiple diseases, which makes the list endless... DARN! How am i going to make it through the exams after christmas???

@ 0027, 12122007, i wonder...

Nightbird

Self explanatory. The time of the 'day' that my funtioning levels are at it's peak is between 2am to 4am. It's already 0445, yet im wide awake. Mainly due to the angry dog waiting to be unleashed anytime soon. It's still not satisfied with it's last visit, more to come before i comatose into snoozieland. This is the time of the night that it decides to do 'it's thing'. Not that i can help it or do anything about it, but just live with it!

My sleep debt is accumulating once more, supposed to be in PD hosp in 3 hours time, nah, i just made the decision not to go. There's no purpose if i go there to just 'stone' my way through the clinic session. Not that my brain is like an absorbable sponge, but it's more of 'solid rock' for now, judging by the lack of sleep and 'i can't even think straight' condition.

@ 0456, 11122007, I NEED SLEEP... DESPERATELY...

Puke your guts out...

Or maybe it should be MINE instead of yours. Muahaha. Rather disgusting. Kills one's appetite. Just had a dose of 'old faithful' maggi, then returned it to the drains in less than 5 minutes. Projectile, non-bile stained, non-digested... Still taste's the same!!!

Oh, that's not the worst of it. The other end seems to be leaking as well. I really need a plumbing job done ASAP. Maybe i've been seeking help from the wrong people. I should go see a PLUMBER instead of a DOCTOR!!!

How i wish if life were that simple. If your gut is leaking, then PLUG it! It's a pain in the ass to keep leaking like that. Now that the leaks are over, im feeling hungry once again. It's raining outside & im so lazy to go out to get a proper meal. Im left with only maggi and biscuits, both of which are not in the 'I'M CRAVING FOR' list. This is the time that i do wish that im at home, where all i have to do is tell mummy that i want some chicken porridge, then it will be served in 1 hours time... I'm here for less than 24 hours & im already homesick. It's these times that you really are homesick. Times that you are not well, the times that you are suffering. Looking on the bright side, im not the only one who is homesick. My mum is missing me too. Today alone i've received more that 10 messages from her. Plus 2 miss calls just now. All just because she wanted to know how many biscuits were left in the cookie jar! Nah, all of those were just excuses to talk to me...

@1930, 10122007, the rain has yet to stop...

What do you eat???

Another one of those questions that was asked last week. Since the question was what do you eat, instead of when do you eat, i shall just get to the point. Let's see here...

1. KFC - either a zinger meal or a snack plate

2. McD's - fillet-o-fish value meal

3. Pizza Hut - Ocean tuna or thai seafood (the only 2 flavours that i'll choose)

4. Kenny rogers - Kenny's platter, no chicken . Newest addition to the list

4. Fresh milk - only HL or dutchlady brands. I don't like those with vanilla flavourings

5. Maggi - It's always tom yum flavour

6. Biscuits - anything from digestives to chocolate chip cookies to plain cream crackers. As long as there is something to munch

7. Doughnuts - had not have them for the past 2 weeks. Might drop by to pick up a few later

8. Secret recipe cakes - at most 1 slice. I love the classic cheese.

But most importantly, i CANNOT survive without water or any other type of fluid. One thing is for sure, i have a never-ending supply of drinks all the time.

"The belly rules the mind. ~Spanish Proverb"

@1433, 10122007, pounding headache... snozzietime...

Bumpy road...

Life ain't easy. Not that i do not know it, it's just that im in denial most of the time, stubbornly refusing to accept it as a fact. I've always been a person who see's the bright side when things go wrong, but after whatever i've been or going through now, i'd better start facing reality soon.

Haven't been myself for the past few weeks. Procratination and 'building castles in the air' has taken over the better half of me. Whatever that's left is the 'nasty' half, the half that is practically controlled by whatever my gut has to offer. I suddenly realized that even my gut has the ability to control me, it overpowers all my actions, decisions and most importantly, how i lead my life every single day. There has not been a day, where i wake up in the morning, not wondering how 'it' will behave itself today. But, coming to think of it, i've been able to survive this lifestyle for at least 1 1/2 years now, so what's the big deal?

Oh, that is a big deal! I've never realised it until i was asked this question last week.

'So, it's been going on for 1 1/2 years now, how do you deal with it everyday? Have you missed any sems? How do you cope with it as well as you studies at the same time?'

Guess what? This question never ever popped into my mind before. Honestly i have NO IDEA how i manage to survive so far. One thing is for sure, it's been a HELL OF A RIDE, one that you only get it ONCE IN A LIFETIME (which i do hope that's true).

Only someone who has been in my position will understand what i've been through. It can't be put into words. Everyday passes with mistakes made and new experiences learnt. New coping strategies for new problems. Solving, solving, solving, that's what i am best at doing!

Nah, it's too late to give up now. I can't afford to do it, with less than 7 weeks to sem 9 finals, and less than a year to graduating, after spending the 'exorbident' time & money on my education... NO WAY!!! I've made my final decision, no matter what happens, im not going to give everything up anytime soon. OVER MY DEAD BODY! No matter what happens, im just going to slog through it, whether im physically or mentally capable to doing it or not. Im a strong believer of mind over matter, so whatever happens, don't dream about me giving up!!!

@ 0206, 09122007, the potholes better start filling up...

Grrrrrrr....... Grrrrrrrr.........

One pissed dog is waiting to be unleashed from the terror and misery after residing in my tummy for such a long time now. I do hope that it gets it's way out soon, because it's driving me to SUICIDE!

Im sick enough of int med, just the tought of what i have to KNOW BY HARD in the end of 4 weeks is KILLING me this moment... then considering how restless my bowel has been recently... Im just so sick of going to the loo so so many times a day. Im sick of the colic most of the time of the day. Im so sick of taking meds. Im so sick of staying in bed just to nurse my tummy. Im so sick of being so 'drained out' after a few visits. IM SO SICK OF MY GUT!

Going through a rough time right now. A harder time to come next week. Schedule so jammed packed, case presentation on mon morning, TBL presentation of wed (not done a single thing yet!), CFCS presentation on thrusday, hyperextended friday bcoz of ward teaching in the afternoon, never ending readings on cardio, endo, neuro, infectious disease...

I just can't imagine how physicians do it. How they can know everything from every system. How they can actually remember everything they have read. Im just not that kind of person. I DO NOT have a superb memory, i sometimes can't even remember what i ate for my last meal, or even when i had my last meal!

@ 2357, 08122007, Im desperate for HELP!!!!!! A gut transplant, maybe???

Friday...

It's end of the week once more and time to head home in 12 hours time. Im really longing for the drive home, but, before that, i've gotta face 'red head' in the morning. That't the part that i dread most, facing her during cp. Argh, it's already bad enough having her know you inside out, then joining a group that comprises only of 2 chinese girls, the others either in headscarfs or collar length hair, how obvious does it have to be? Just pray hard that my clowning partner & I DO NOT burst out laughing as usual, as im so not willing to attract her attention as if i have not caused enough trouble today.

I know it's going to be a looooooong morning, the longest 1 1/2 hours in my life. Just pray that it passes off smoothly, not picking on my case and surely not picking on me! Having the 'twists & wars' at the moment, so much more to read up on nephro, even more to read up on the liver...

@ 2308, 06122007, i wanna go home... medicine is driving me nuts...

Gastro vs neuro...

VS

When you put a neurologist into a gastroenterologist's seat, what will you get???

A clinic session that can stretch from 0930 till 1400!!!

I'll never understand the irony of putting that poor guy into the 'hot seat', as it is just as to abide his boss' wish. A total waste of resources and talent, not forgetting time as well! Ironically, a neuro clinic was running at the same time in the room next door! He takes 30 to 45 minutes just to see a patient, half of the time blur and have no clue what he should do, what test to order etc etc etc... After seeing a patient, he's that blur till he has no idea what TCA should be given! Till he even told us once that it is not his forte, and he has no idea what to do with a particular patient, so just send him for another battery of blood test and review the results once more duing the next TCA! Nice guy though, was willing to teach, but most of the time he was blur, so can't blame him.

In the end of the day, instead of confessing to a gastro, i ended up with a neuro. DANG! Perfect coincidence, as whatever i was about to confess about has to do with neurology! Started the whole 10,000 word long history again, from the 'doc-hopping' stories till now. Startled him initially, but as the suspense built up, i did not reach the climax until he asked me if i had anything else to tell him. He was totally stunned when i told him about the cordination problems, like putting the key into the keyhole and using utensils. When it was time for the finger nose test, the best part came. Instead of me touching his finger, he used his to touch mine! I almost burst out laughing at that time, knowing pretty well that i was not able to do it! At least i got an idea from him that whatever gastro probs i have at the moment has nothing to do with the neuro issue, but that's what he thinks at the moment. He told me honestly that he has NO CLUE what was wrong with me, and gotta consult his boss to decide what's the next step to be done...

So, the waiting period begins once again...

@ 1537, 06122007, patience is a virtue...

Yet another day...

Wasted yet another 1 of my days doing nothing, other than spending most of my time on the throne. Was awakened rudely by the noise of the lawn mower (of all days Mr W chose today to mow our lalangs!), paid my patient a visit at 1030 this morning, only got to know that cp was cancled at noon... A waste of my 1 1/2 hours for nothing! Made a perfect decision for once today, the choice not to attend 'mama E's' session at 1400. Heard that she did even show up at 1500, and pissed some ppl off! Hahaha, at that time i was so lethargic till i could hardly get out of bed...

Gut been misbehaving itself yet again. Really have no idea what it's up to these 2 weeks. Attitude is BAD, i mean, REALLY REALLY BAD! Purges as it wishes, mainly at the most unappropriate time of the day. It's that bad till my ass hole HURTS! I guess the surrounding skin has been 'excoriated', any further injury will end with a lower GI bleed.

Finally had a 'wholesome' meal just now. Found a new place where they served meal appropriate to my serving size. Yeah, Kenny Rogers. Hooray! I never knew that they served the Kenny's platter, which consists of 3 side dishes & a muffin, for RM8.90. Still a little much though, but, better than nothing. I had mashed potatoes, coleslaw and macorroni & cheeze, plus a banana muffin. I needed to fuel up after all the looses to 'indah water'.

Im just so dreading tomorrow morning's clinic sessions, especially 1 of them in particular. I just pray that she dosen't notice my existence, shall just 'stone' behind the crowd. Hehe...

@ 2029, 05122007, hepatitis, cirrhosis is driving me nuts!!!

GuT CrAzY!!!

>@#%!!!

My gut juices are just pouring out of my ass hole like a burst water pipe! The best part is that i've yet to eat a proper meal in 24 hours! Tummy literally 'killing' as if it is about to burst, guts twisting and knotting each other up, anal spincter dysfuntional--->>> World war III in the making... IN ME!!!

Back to self resuscitation, rehydration and maintenance with good ole 100+. Shall survive on that for tonight at least, then see what happens tomorrow morning.

@ 2158, 04122007, I really do need a BREAK!!!

Studying & boredom

Was wondering whether i should attend tomorrow's double tbl sessions... The 1st is at 0930, conducted by 'princess', the other at 1400, by 'mama E'. Both will be equally tedious and boring sessions, judging by how my groupmates has been performing for the last 3 posting. There's just no synchrony in this orchestra, everyone is so selfish, keeping whatever they know to themselves, never sharing with others. That's what that pisses me off most!

Maybe i'll just attend the CP session at 1130, just hang out in the wards in the morning or follow Dr J's rounds. Had a fun time during tbl with him just now. At least he made it as intresting as possible! In conclusions, he is sarcastic to the max, i enjoy it.

There's just so much to read up, im just so lazy... Nothing else to do here in sban. BORING! Was thinking of going for christmas shopping tonight, but gotta go back to review my patient for tomorrows CP. Might just do it tomorrow night, down with 1 present, 4 more to go. At times like this im just in the mood of giving & sharing, definitely NOT STUDYING...

@ 1756, 04122007, bored bored bored...

Im lost...

Welcome to hell! Been through a tough first day. It reminds me of the part of the movie where stitch opens the 'ugly duckling' story book and says 'im lost'... That's how i feel at this moment. IM LOST in medicine. I have no clue what i've been doing the whole night, what i've been reading. It feels as everything that i read just evaporises out of my brain immediately. Nothing seems to stay in it.

@ 0156, 04122007, wide awake... snoozieland waiting...

Similiar minds...

Was just so so bored after stoning thru harrison's on pneumonia, decided to take a 45 question personality test on similiar minds... And guess what? The mind similiar to mine is...

Unexpected... Totally. Muahaha, never knew i had a great mind like his...

@0055, 04122007, dream on...

Life & death...

Didn't have a great weekend, after screwing the paeds SAQ paper last friday. Out of the 6 questions, I could not even answr EVEN 1! So far, this is the worst test i've ever taken in my lifetime.

Travelling loads this weekend, being the driver most of the time. Surroundings were just so quiet and sombre when i got to ipoh. It's rather frustrating waiting for the time to come, and yet, it still has not arrived. Life has been tough on everyone of us this few weeks, but, as a consequence it looks like the inter-personal relationships seem to get closer as time passes on. Unexpected people coming to visit, getting unexpected phone calls from those who were never heard of for a long long time... Everything just seems to move slowly at it's own pace.

Whenever the topic arises in the conversations, some would just hush it away quickly as a taboo, but there are others who think that there are things best to be sorted out now than left hanging in the air. At least it was rather a fruitful trip down, we got most of the things sorted out, giving us a clue as what to do in the event.

For the past 23 years, i've never been so close to her before. That night, we just sat on the couch, silently, as if we understood each other's feelings for a long time now. It was just that few minutes to make me realize that i've lost an opportunity of 23 years to get to know her. It never came into my mind before this as time went on, our relationship became distant. There were times that i thought that i barely knew her, all i did was greet her each time i saw her. But that night, i saw a life in her. A life full of sadness and misery, full of worries. She's always been labelled as 'being in her own world', she never expresses her concerns and worries to others. Being a private person, only mutters when necessary, spending most of her time at home reading. Due to poor eyesight, she finally gave up reading and resorted to watching TV and spending most of her time doing nothing.

To be continued.....

@1249, 03122007, light-headed due to lack of snoozie-time...